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Question
My husband moved out a few weeks ago,a decision that I've been able to stand by in spite of his constant pleadings simply because I have felt such a deep sense of peace about it.I've been so happy. I have spent the time almost entirely by myself, except when I have the kids.I've been writing, dancing, I have had an abundance of energy at work.I used to think working part time was exhausting, now I've picked up extra work and I come home with extra energy.Today I figured out how to fix the pilot light on my furnace by myself and I was beside myself with delight.My husband is devastated and will do anything to get me back.But I don't want to go back.I worked hard for 4 years to try and figure out how to take care of myself in the marriage and not give myself up and I made so much progress, he's backed off a lot but it still takes a ton of energy.I don't want to be the center of this man's life. It feels so gross to have him want me so much. But it's hard because my kids are so sad. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
Two therapists in the past five years or so--I told them about the tremendous resistance I had been feeling inside; that I badly wanted to change; but had this huge wall of resistance at the same time. Both--one of which was a younger CBT psychiatrist--said, "We have to find ways to break down that wall!" They seemed determined to deconstruct the wall. Guess what happened? My resistance roared even louder! And remained and remained. I still have some of it today, but now I sit with it, feel it, and try to understand it--that there are good reasons for the resistance, but that I don't have to act upon it. (I didn't act upon it even then ... but at the same time I couldn't open up emotionally either to others...) I think, now, it's my WS feeling even more frightened by this, because it would be defenseless, without any weapons to fight to protect itself or me. IB helps bez I don't have to "break down this resistance," I want to understand it, connect with it. It works better. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
After a few weeks of deliberating and considerable inner bonding, I have left a relationship that I was in with someone who is clearly not open to learning. Tonight it finally sunk in that his addiction is much more important to him than his relationship with me. He could not see my point, but I know trying to make him see the point is not only misguided, but impossible. I am grateful for what the relationship allowed me to learn, and i am grateful to the inner bonding process for giving me the tools to help me get to my decision. During my conversation with him, I tried to stay tuned in to my guidance and IC, and stayed calm throughout. But there's a part of me that feels so sad and thinks I've thrown the baby out with the bath water. There are some unique and wonderful things about this person. Also, I still don't feel completely disinvested in a desire for him to be shocked into waking up. It's painful and I'm scared of the uncharted waters I've now launched myself into. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
I do not know what i am doing wrong or if it isn't me! My bf and I got engaged last month after 7 months of relationship. He did not want to do it last month but early next year.He tends to plan everything and not go by impulse on anything!Also he seems to need his parents' acceptance before he actually does anything major like getting engaged or marry someone.He is 32 yrs old and yes still living at home -to save money i have been told-!He told me he wanted to get married after one yr of being engaged but i wasn't happy with that.I said i wanted to get married either on May or Sept.He told his parents May and they said no that it was too soon and instead of him fighting for it he told me May isn't good Nov is so I'm sorry. I said why Nov? Sept then he agreed after quite a few minutes of discussion. Now its the ring,it is a bit loose and asked him to go together to fix it.He said ok but on sat i said but you have time on thursday and he said yes but we can do it on sat,totally ignoring my feelings. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
I was looking at a book this afternoon, "The Purpose of Christmas." I love Christmas time, always thinking of it as a kinder, warmer time than most of the rest of the year. I am Christian and have always believed, but it's been through IB that I've begun to form a personal relationship with God. This book says, "Grace is when God gives you what you need, though you don't deserve it and cannot repay Him. Jesus came to us as a human being to sacrifice Himself for the massive debt we owe because of our sin and the damage it has caused." I understand that we all need a makeover (need to recognize and love our Core Selves & WS), but I don't think we are undeserving; I think every human being is deserving. I'm beginning to feel confused about the Christ I have always believed in; I had a dream last night that He was speaking to me, saying He was happy to give all my concerns over to God's care, so I wouldn't need to handle them alone. I don't think He wants to condemn us! Why would He? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
Thanks for responding to my other questions. This one has to do with doing the 15-minute homework, twice a day. One IB counsellor re-designed the "structure" of my homework to fit my needs better. It works. And, every time I sit down to do the homework, I want to do it. One part of me is drawn to it. And I have a timer, I set it to 15 minutes to ensure that I don't spend too much time intellectualizing (that's why my counselor re-designed my hw), but rather focus on my heart, then ask questions, etc. And I tend to start doing anything else but the actual process itself. Pop up and down from the chair, fix something, check email, do a bit of IBing, drift to all kinds of things which in reality I can very easily get to after the 15 minutes are done. I keep resetting the timer to 15 minutes and coaxing myself to settling down, and I still pop up etc. The IB hw thus drags on and on. Resetting the timer is starting to feel like punishment. Now what? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
I've been having an extraordinary period with my IB process while disengaging with my mother and siblings. What makes it amazing is that my LA has been able to keep it together for the most part. Willing to be very present and asking Guidance for direction the entire time. When this morning I awakened to an image of my IC dressed up and dancing like a ballerina!...The colors of her dress are different shades of purple..She's calm, graceful and shows no signs of nervousness. But a seriousness and total immersion in what she's doing. For sure, I've always admired dancers but I'm wondering what I can do, what questions I can ask, to go deeper with her? Thanks so much. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
Hi, the new friend I told you about (her mother smokes, and then I didn't like how she screamed at her oldest son). Well, we had a nice time--I thought--despite my social anxiety last week, and I kind of got used to how she could be very warm and outgoing and how she wants to be in control, I learnt to not let that affect me. Then she kind of assumed that I'd be over the next day, and I said I wasn't sure, I'd text her. And as it turned out, I didn't, and I regret that now. And I had a rush job the following day, so Saturday morning I finally texted her asking her if she'd like to go to Chapters again. No answer. Texted her two more times over the weekend, the last time explaining re: the rush job. No answer. I am angry and I don't like the feeling of approaching her for a fourth time, and she did seem to want to see me the next day then, but I think she's hurt that I didn't text her as I promised. It's been a week now. What now? She seems to expect me to chase her. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
Hi there. I listened to advice from a question last week around holding my IC by me - so that I am not going all flushed and red. Today I had a conversation with the person I am attracted to again. I prepared myself - and I was myself. I am funny and sarcastic - and I find because I have feelings for this person- my sarcasm comes out more harsh. I think he has feelings for me to - so he is taking my sarcasm personally - where someone else would 'throw' it back at me. Then I felt bad. I realized I was making him responsible for my feelings. I really thought about what I said - and it wasn't that bad. We were talking about the coffee shop and how he wished they worked longer until 5pm, so he could get coffee later in the day - and I joked back - that they work since 7am - which is a full day - and then I said - what do you believe in Child labour too - and I slapped him on the back. I don't think he took it that well. He went a little quiet. Why is my sarcasm coming out so hard? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
Hi There, I have noticed that when practicing inner bonding in the beginning my dreams became a vehicle to my subconscious. I have always had crazy dreams - and now by listening to them and working through inner bonding they come less often. Now I work on just connecting with myself- through writing- and not much has 'disturbed' me lately. But now I am having some crazy dreams again - but I have no idea why, let alone what they are related to. I learned this year that my dreams tell me I have unresolved issues. Thoughts? Also - what kinds of questions can I ask my IC to get to speak to me when nothing is wrong. It's like she doesn't want to talk - unless something is wrong. It is only my guidance that I seem to have ongoing in depth conversations with. Is this the way it's supposed to develop? Thanks Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
I have a somewhat unusual question, I guess. I seem to be able to see spirits around me. I've always had this ability, but I used to treat it as a product of my imagination. Ever since I discovered IB, I realised that what I see and communicate with might actually be real beings. They are not similar to humans in any way (when I ask them if they are human souls they just vibrate smilingly and say "nope"), but they seem to be strangely attached to people. It's like every person has an "assigned" spirit (a bit like a guardian angel). Anyway, sometimes when I feel lonely and I long for connection I ask the spirit of the person I would like to have a connection with if they would like to hang around for a bit. And they do. They always come and teach me something new about myself and about the person I like. After each such experience I see that person (human) in a completely different light. I see them as free, and whole and I'm able to let go of trying to make them responsible for my happiness. Do you think this is really happening? If so, do you think it is OK to turn to other people's spirits (angels?) for friendship? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
Since I never tell others who hurt me that they have, I've been taking loving action by standing up for myself. The problem is I then cower in fear of their response, (my mother has Borderline pers. disorder and was severely emotionally abusive growing up.) The family members I say this to usually react explosively the way she would, attacking whatever of my vulnerabilities they can find, even though I usually just state my feelings without blaming or anger. I'm not sure whether just cutting off contact or first expressing how I feel is best. I think I need to try not to focus on other's reactions but it's difficult given my past. I wonder whether walking away or disengaging during an attack and then returning/ re-engaging when it's over makes sense, versus walking away for good as the only way to take full loving action. With my boyfriend, I always try to see his perspective. I am afraid to mention how much he hurts me. Usually when I say how I feel without analyzing he is sympathetic. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
Hello, I used to have jealousy, control, insecurity issues in a relationship. I think I still have it, but after much innerbonding, i am getting better (at least I believe so). However, I am single right now, and I've been single for a while...so, it is hard to test if I am really getting better. Or, maybe I am feeling good because I am not in a relationship....so there is nothing for me to feel insecure about... My question is: how do I keep doing innerbonding when my own "issue" is not really present in my life at this point. I am mostly happy everyday. But there is the fear that my old problem will come back once i am involved in a serious relationship. I don't want to wait until I get a good relationship and my issue become problematic once again.. Thank you very much! Read the answer by Dr.Erika
Recently I have found myself in a dialogue with a friend who told me that I am not giving her enough time. When I tried to explain why I was not in touch (because I had family visiting for the holidays and other obligations) she was not able to understand my situation. I found myself trying to explain and then realized that we were not going to solve this situation as we kept going around and around in the conversation (trying to get each other to understand one another's point of view). How does one delicately break the cycle when they observe this happening in a situation (I was trying to pay attention to my need to control and release it...I accept that I may never be able to get her to understand my situation). I tried to be in an intent to learn with her but I still was unable to meet her expectations. I am a bit stuck on this one and would love your input. Thanks Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
Hi, Today I realized that I have a very powerful wounded desire not to need anyone! This part of me would rather not have to rely on or trust others, and yet I am so often lonely, and feel like I have alot to share. I'm not sure what is loving to myself because I really want and need others in my life even though I can't control them, but this wounded part of me likes to think that IB will make me independent and others unable to affect me. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
I can't seem to get a handle on how to "handle" the holidays. My struggle seems to be that if I scale back on the preparation/celebration aspect I often feel like I've let my husband and teen girls down somehow. I EVEN feel let down and disappointed somehow. Yet if I try to adjust my attitude and just suck it up and do what's expected I know I have done the best I can but it feels exhausting and I get resentful sometimes...especially if I am not enjoying the process. I can't seem to let go of the part of me that is a traditional "role" of wife and mother...at least not completely. And I know my family doesn't want to let go of that either. Any suggestions? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
I'm wondering if there is ever a chance that you could do an IB retreat (weekend) here in Canada? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
Last night my IC told me that she is scared of me all the time. It came as a shock, because in the last few months I've been doing IB every day for hours and hours and most of the time I feel peaceful and connected. Even though I was surprised to hear all the things she said to me last night, when I connected to these feelings I realised that they've been there for as long as I can remember. I was terrified of my parents, grandparents, sister; the list goes on and on. Today I see clearly that I treat myself exactly as I'd been treated as a child. I recognise that this is really about me working with my Guidance to develop a stronger, more loving adult so that I can make my IC feel safe. And I'm excited about the work we're going to do to get there. But what I'm really curious about is - how is it possible that I'm feeling peaceful all through the day while my IC is in such deep distress. How can I feel connected while my IC is frozen in fear all the time? I don't understand this. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
Hello. Another question (I've been reading your articles). So I just met this man for coffee twice and it is at the stage where I don't know where it will go next. I'm ok with exploring it further, but I don't know yet what he thinks. So yesterday being his birthday, I sent a friendly sms, and got a formal reply back (he is away on a business trip). My question is -- I AM interested in knowing whether he has decided to be in or out of furthering getting to know one another. But HOW do I maintain nonchalance and detachment without being controlling? Is being nonchalant itself not controlling? What kind of mindset do I adopt such that it truly doesn't matter to me whether he gets back to me in a week, 3 weeks, or not at all? How do I avoid being in a space where I'll be just holding my breathe until I get a response? Thank you. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
Hi. I've been trying to practice IB. So this morning I become aware that I have some sad feelings, and I isolated the issue/event that had triggered them. As I'm fairly familiar with doing EFT, I decided to do EFT on the issue that was creating those feelings. My question is, once I've done EFT, what next... have I already cover the rest of the steps of IB or do I still proceed to Step 2 etc. Thanks. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
I have been IBing as much as possible, mentally during the day, and trying to do the IB homework twice as you suggested, 15 minutes in the morning, 15 minutes in the evening. You say in another Q&A, "I generally suggest that people not leave relationships until they are feeling happy and peaceful within, and then you can get a much clearer understanding of whether or not this is a viable relationship." Here's my problem: I don't seem able to find my way to feeling happy and peaceful within. I try and all day long I abandon myself, so I feel empty and the hole is large in me, and I don't know how to get to the point where I feel whole and complete and happy and peaceful. I have tried many things over the last 20 years and am discouraged. I have read the book you recommended, Mindset, and it's a great book, and I feel like I have a long way to go before I start having a normal life like that of my sisters and brother. So right now I feel discouraged and angry. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
I find myself today in the midst of fear about a surgical procedure my doctor has recommended; it is not critical or needed to preserve my life but is something that would bring relief from enormous discomfort and limitation having to do with female problems. My Wounded Self is telling me not to have it; that it will be all my fault if something goes wrong. My WS is terribly afraid to go under general anesthesia because I've been under it for shock treatment many times several years ago and don't want to do it again. My WS is telling me I'm being selfish and that I deserve to suffer if anything goes wrong. My Core Self is telling me that it is generally very safe and likely to bring healing and that the doctor, my therapist, and my AA sponsor all think it is a very good option. I hear my Guidance saying the same, then I get scared...what if I die? what if something awful happens, like my bowel being punctured? how could i live through self-imposed suffering? i want to trust myself. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
I left a job a few months ago because it seemed too advanced an IB learning environment for me to handle, though I had been at it over a decade. I was really sucked into defensive mode and false beliefs about control. I am starting a similar job next week, which I feel I will be better able to handle because it is structured in such a way as to elicit less codependency and rescue/control stuff. However, I know I will still be pulled on through triangulating situations. What is the best way to prepare for this job and take care of myself within it? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
I am currently married to a man I have been involved with for the past 7 and a half years. We have been married for almost a year now. My question is should I continue with the marriage or should I stop trying? I feel very alone and misunderstood in this relationship. He says I am mean and extremely intense when I speak to him. He is controlling and demeaning and talks down to me. I don't know what to do. What do you suggest? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
I am in a loving relationship for 2 years now. One problem is I get possessive of my boyfriend. Recently, he visited some of his old friends. There he had a made a new friend, he told that she was a lot of fun, he had even taken many pictures with her. I wasn't comfortable seeing those pictures.I felt very possessive about him. This possessiveness is not because I am scared of losing him from this relationship. What bothers me is that, he might find someone else who is much more fun or interesting to be with compared to me. I wasn't even comfortable with discussing about these feelings to him. But he guessed and told that,whether he is able to or not able to do anything about my feelings, he at least wants to listen to them and lend a shoulder to me. This sounds like a lot of inner bonding work right? What should I do? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
How do you separate good memories and cherish them without letting the WS come in making you think that you made the biggest mistake letting go of a relationship that you know was harmful to yourself. I find feelings of loneliness and a lot of self-doubt coming up once these good memories are triggered. I know its probably because I am abandoning myself in some way but I just can't figure out how. I'm not sure if I have been handling the IB process with the right intent. I feel like I follow the process but this part seems too overwhelming. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
I read in one of your advice responses, "Sometimes, telling someone your feelings is a way to get them to change, and many people feel controlled by that and just resist." Recently the urge to tell people my feelings is met with, "wait a minute, is this appropriate?" Something felt not quite right yet I've not been able to figure out why. Can you expand on this a little bit? Thanks. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
I am in a relationship with someone who is goes from emotional availability to reticence sometimes overnight. We have been involved for around five months, longer than he has ever been in a relationship (he is 37). I know this is challenging for him, and I know he is trying in his way, though I do get impatient and frustrated. I find it challenging to take loving care of myself around him when he is being moody and closed to intimacy. Part of me feels I should leave him because of the pain and loneliness that being with him can trigger in me. But I also feel that the relationship is giving me the opportunity to really learn how to take care of myself. It's like a crash course in learning to take loving care of my IC. For example, I am learning to lovingly disengage when he is unavailable, and I am now more likely to do some inner bonding when I feel upset after an upsetting encounter. Does this sound messed up? Could I be just making justifications for not leaving? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
back to the village. feels I got home. I had to travel for work and just arrived... Thanks Margaret for your answers. I still have one question. It makes sense that is not my loving adult but my wounded self the one trying to control everything. I need to develop a loving adult, and I want to, however when I am alone, exploring my feelings, trying to hear me... I dont know what part of me is speaking! is it my wounded self when I think it's my adult... and what about my inner child??? how do I recognize their voices? thanks for your help. Indira Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
Hi there. I just read the article about being in new relationships. I can relate very well. For the first time in a long time - I finally like the right person - because I worked on myself. But when I talk to him - I am flushed with emotions, I become silent, my temperature goes through the roof and I go beat red. At first I was defensive. I apologized for being mean - but if I am not detached I am so weak in the knees I forget how to speak. I am holding my emotions in - and this is effecting me at work -and I am trying to be casual - but I turn to mush every time I even say hi. When I step back as an adult - I am amazed that I could even feel this way - but I also feel like I am handling the situation like a child and one minute I am 'on and the next off. Advice? Where can I do more reading on preparing yourself for a new healthy relationship. I am ready to do this - I just want to make sure I have practice steps in place. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
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