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2366 QUESTION(S)
Question
I'm feeling very stressed because of a long term business relationship with an N client from whom I'm now disengaging. I've acted with integrity towards both him and his business, but despite my detailed explanations of my actions in support of my invoice he holds me responsible, for example, for not backing up emails to him with phone calls (since he did not read my emails). He's ill and phone calls cause him great pain, so to me the most loving action towards him has been to stick with email for which I am now "wrong". My being "wrong" entitles him not to pay my invoice or only pay part of it. I hear he may have money issues as a result of his illness, but rather than admit that (if true) he's essentially telling me I did a poor job (which gets him off the hook). Without his paying me what I'm owed, I need to sell my home. It doesn't feel loving to keep arguing with someone who's closed, but disengaging allows him to "win", to not pay me.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/14/09
i have recently chosen to end a 20 year relationship in order to face my dependency on men. i'm doing innerbonding however i'm spiraling out of control. i would get help but i'm thousands of dollars in debt (a secondary addiction). my problem is comforting my little girl during the painful times, it's not helping and i'm becoming very desperate. the breakup feels too painful to bare and the pain is so overwhelming. i try to discover the false beliefs and seek the truth but the innerchild keeps screaming in pain, and mostly feels empty and rejected. my ex rejected that screaming child, he didn't reject me. but i don't know what else to do. i wanted things to work with him but my wounded self got in the way. is there anything else i could do? i've hit bottom and i don't know if i'm going to survive.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/13/09
In a relationship, how do you know if you are "giving to get" or the other person is "giving to get"?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/13/09
I'm in a difficult situation with a friend. We've been having a confusing relationship. We were really attracted to each other, but he didn't want to commit and I didn't want to either since we both just got out of relationships. However we still had sex sometimes during six months. Somehow I still ended up feeling used although I really was attracted to him, so I asked us to be friends. We saw each other almost everyday for a year. Then he moved abroad and asked me to come and visit him. Meanwhile he got back with his ex-girlfriend and although it hurt me, I accepted it and wanted to stay as friends since I really like him and appreciate him. Now that I'm visiting him, however, he treats me as if we almost didn't know each other and he keeps ignoring me especially in front of others. I think it has something to do with his girlfriend, but I have told him I only want to be friends. I feel awful. Is there anything I could do to find a connection with him?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/12/09
In reference to your article "Are You Caretaking or Are You Being Loving?" I'm a little confused. I had a 23 year one-way relationship with my sister-in-law and her family. The more I gave, the more she took. The only time I heard from her was when she needed something, which was often. Whenever there was a way that she could give to me she avoided it. She missed my special celebrations, never even called when I was sick in bed for over two months. When I recovered, the phone calls started coming again. She literally would not give me a scrap of cloth unless there was something in it for her. My partner fostered this type of behavior with her sister and seemed to be a willing participant in it. It took a really long time but I eventually wound up feeling drained, used, hurt and resentful. I finally came to see that I deserved relationships that were mutually based. Is it coming from the wounded self when you want your relationships to be reflective of what you are giving?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/12/09
I've been Inner Bonding for about a year and a half and am still struggling with my food/sugar addiction. At night, when I am tempted to binge, I try to stop and pause and ask myself what I am feeling that is causing me to want to eat candy, ice cream, cake, and anything else sweet I can find. I can't tell what it is; I don't feel consciously sad or lonely then, although I know I am having those feelings in general due to false beliefs and some current life circumstances. How can we want the feeling of being filled up and then hate ourselves when we overeat and feel bloated and exhausted? When I stop and ask myself what I need, nothing comes to me -- I can't tell what it is I'm looking for. What should I do for myself in these moments that will help me to feel truly better, connected with myself? Do you promote programs like OA or FAA? I'm not sure that complete abstinence from certain foods and weighing and measuring everything is good -- it seems obsessive on the other end.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/12/09
I'm beginning to see that shame, addiction, and control are all mixed up together. How do we know sometimes when we're feeling authentic feelings rather than pain we are causing ourselves? Can it be both? I feel sad about being estranged from my husband and am working on myself, but I begin to feel like this might not work, is that authentic or projection of pain, failure, or loss? I feel ashamed that I'm eating addictively while trying to obsessively control my weight; I was always taught as a kid that the the WORST thing a woman could do would be to get overweight. I hate myself when I overeat, but I also obsess over what others will think if I don't maintain my good figure, especially my parents -- and I'm 46! I feel ashamed of having medical bills that are beyond what we can pay and I fear having bad credit or something worse happening because of it. I feel fear about my husband's serious health problems. And, I'm lonely in this marriage.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/12/09
I said to my wife 'Yes' when I really wanted to say 'No' for something she wanted from me. I can thus find I am not loving myself. But I could not feel any anger. Is it because my feelings are buried and I am not willing to feel the pain? I really find stuck up. All I know is to accept myself.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/12/09
I am feeling conflicted about a decision I recently made to sell my house. I have spent the last 8 years of my life remodeling it and making it my own. Now, my children have moved on and I am living here with my boyfriend of 2 years. We have a vision to build a smaller home in the country with the equity from this home when I sell. I will have no mortgage and I will be able to work less hours. (I am currently working 50 hours a week and I am not in good health.) I know all this makes sense financially and I have always wanted to move to the country however I still find myself "split" over moving. How can I get through this process? I wish I didn't have to give up one to have the other.
Read the answer by Dr.Erika - 06/12/09
I increasingly hear myself inwardly thinking, really intensely, 'I love you' but without really knowing who it's directed towards! I attach it to someone I might be longing for or feel attracted to, but I know in my heart that it's not about them - it's more like a non-specific yearning, longing, calling out somehow. I don't really understand it - I try and imagine my inner child and direct it towards her, but that doesn't seem to quite 'click'. Any thoughts?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/12/09
For the past two weeks, I have literally been worrying myself sick. I have always been afraid of vomiting and getting the flu but lately, I have become completely preoccupied by the fear of getting sick, losing control of my body, having to vomit, dying, feeling pain and being unable to feel well. I feel crazy. Rationally, I know that everyone gets sick sometimes and it is not the end of the world but for some reason, I am terrified whenever anyone mentions a stomach bug and I feel sick with a nervous stomach all day, everyday. I just want this worry to go away! Any thoughts you have about working with this sort of persistent terror? I don't want to live my life being scared of getting sick.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/11/09
I have read many of your articles now and see myself in many of the problems described.Especially when it comes to relationships. I see myself as trying to be controlling in order to get the love that I want. I think I am driving her further away but can't seem to stop. What you say makes perfect sense but I just can't seem to figure out how to love myself. It's one thing to say it and another to do it. It's like asking God to come into my life and take care of all of my problems. I know that God has the power to do anything but I just can't convince myself that He will.That I'm important enough to have my trivial problems taken care of.What do I need to do to be able to have that feeling of being filled with love from within?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/11/09
I have a friend who I can only characterize as narcissistic. He is very charismatic and charming and most people tend to gravitate towards his personality. However, I have known him for a while and have noticed that this "acceptance" is a cover for deeper insecurities. He is 43 and dating an attractive 26 year old female. He has mentioned to me on numerous times that she is emotionally immature (to his level) and he is trying to "mold" her into "his" lifestyle. I work with him and although we get along, he takes credit for my work and persistently minimizes the importance and contribution of others while amplifying his own to bolster his own importance and worth. I have opted to not engage in his glorification and have removed myself from situations in which he is clearly using me (and others) to exalt himself. I have approached him regarding this matter only to get lambasted with a series of criticisms and accusations. How do you deal with people with NPD and controlling behavior?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/11/09
My neighbor's son pushed my son down a hill and called him an idiot. When I asked my neighbor to speak with her son about his behavior, she got very angry with me. This argument set off intense feelings of anxiety in my IC. I have a history of being bullied. Since this incident, my husband has been taking my son to the school bus stop so that I don't encounter her. I'm telling myself that I need to face her and my fear, but my IC just starts screaming inside. I realize that I bully my IC often, and this is why she doesn't trust me to take care of her in front of this neighbor. This neighbor is moving in two weeks, and my husband thinks that I should just let him continue taking our son to the bus stop, and give IC some time to build trust in me. But I feel like I'm just reinforcing my conflict avoidant habits, and my phobias. Is it more loving to face this phobia or to not push IC into something that she is so uncomfortable doing?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/10/09
If I have a need for someone to listen to me, does that mean that I am not listening to what some part of myself is saying?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/10/09
Sometimes I have a hard time during the IB process with switching roles so to speak from my WS and my LA. Sometimes I get stuck in my WS and have a hard time opening and connecting to Guidance. Should I just wait until a later time or is there some kind of technique or words I could use to find my LA?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/10/09
Is it a good idea to talk to children in any way at all about difficulties in the parents' relationship? Due to some recent interactions, there is distance between my husband and me. We are outwardly getting along, but I'm pretty sure my son can feel that there isn't much love flowing between us. My son hasn't been sleeping well and at times is clingy with me. I'm working on changing my behaviour with my husband...trying to become more loving to myself...but I'm not entirely there yet. My sense is that I should not say anything to my son, but just try to stay in compassion for our whole situation, and keep reasonable boundaries for my son, but I wondered what you thought.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/10/09
I met a person that I found very interesting and we really enjoyed the conversation. We talked about so many topics. He ended up inviting me to his apartment to watch a movie and for dinner. He said that the character in the movie looks so much like me that he wants me to watch it. I accepted his invitation but later I have second thoughts based on a conversation with a group of friends. I called him and I shared with him that I was feeling weird about meeting in his apartment. He said, "I want you to feel comfortable I just want to cook for you and share this excellent movie with you", I am a mature man and a gentleman. I wouldn't do anything out of respect to you. This is just to have a nice time and enjoy a conversation like we did before". One part of me wants to go and really was looking forward for the movie and the conversation but i think having the conversation with my friends give me the second thoughts. I want to be more assertive. but at the same time i still struggle.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/10/09
An online article describing mid-life crises seemed to describe my husbands recent shift spot on. I am curious about your thoughts on mid-life crises. How real are they, what causes them and can IB help?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/10/09

"There is a range, with many people having narcissistic characteristics and far less having NPD. Even within NPD, there is a range. We all have some narcissism, and it's just important to understand it in ourselves and others."

Ok, I guess I'm confused because there is so much talk here about people with NPD, and you talk so much about NPD, it sounds like people with NPD takes up maybe 25% or 40% of the population maybe, yet people with NPD make up only up to 1% of the general population according to the stat I gave you.

Can you clear this up? I seem to not be quite grasping what's going on. Is it that people who have loved ones with NPD tend to show up in places like this website to try to manage the challenge of interacting with people with NPD? Therefore there's naturally more discussion of NPD? Or more than 1% of the population has NPD, it's more like 15% or 20%????
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/09/09

I am feeling stuck but don't feel unwilling to learn with Spirit, I don't think...I've been practicing IB for a year and a half and have recently begun to feel like I'm in a new level of recovery following a clinical depression that almost killed me; I found IB when I was in the hospital, thank God! I still feel, though, that perhaps I'm trying to be my Loving Adult from my Wounded Self right now. Just as I have begun to be better, my sugar addiction and my resistance to my husband's needs are kicking my butt, so to speak. I am fearful and anxious about some things, including spouse's serious health problems and a new part-time job I have after not working for 2.5 years. Dr. Margaret advised me long ago that at times when we begin to heal, WS comes on very strong to keep control. This is happening, I think, and maybe I can't get to Spirit for the Truth...WS tells me I'm damaged and kidding myself about being free of depression, that it will come for me and kill me. Suggestions?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/09/09

It sounds like NPD is pretty rare, only 0.5% to 1% of the general population.

"According to the DSM IV-TR, between 2% and 16% of the population in clinical settings (between 0.5-1% of the general population) are diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Most narcissists (50-75%, according to the DSM-IV-TR) are men."

I am confused as to how often NDP is mentioned here, is it more common than previously thought?

or is there a range of NDP from mild to severe, and you're including all cases?


Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/09/09
Hi There, I have been doing some growth for over a year now. I am doing really well. I have just started seeing someone now for over 3 months. I feel like for the first time I am in an adult relationship. There are things that I am working on - speaking up about my feelings, trusting someone. It is a growing experience. Two questions. 1) I would like to read more books on learning about positive adult relationships and learning to share my love - I still have some fear with this) 2) I worked through and spoke with any friends who i felt jealous of when it came to my previous partners ..but on the weekend a woman I know got to me..and I felt like she was flirting strongly with my new man. (now he didn't respond) and the whole time I was saying in my head...this is a test, you can get through this. I am beautiful, she is beautiful..but I felt like she could have been interested in my man..and I felt insecure. How can I work through this? I have worked with everyone else.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/09/09
I find it really challenging to be loving when my husband speaks of his emptiness.I know I have no control over his decisions to not attend to his spiritual void.Countless times now,when I've told myself to be compassionate and not judge him when he tells me about some aspect of his self loathing,I still feel like "slamming the door"on him-I feel anger and impatience when he does.Yesterday I told him it might be easier for me if he was dead,because he feels so locked up to me and there is nothing I can do to help.I did say what I thought was missing and told him about IB and developing a relationship with a higher power to fill himself.It's not something I push or "teach" though,I know that I'm helpless over his intent.Still,I am angry with myself for being angry,impatient and unloving towards him for his lack of love towards himself and me.How can I untangle all of this?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/09/09
Hi, my sister has been having a 12 year relationship with a married man. He keeps promising her commitment and then backing out of it at the last minute. At first this happened with small things which made her very sad. However, recently he said to her that he would really like her to have his child. He said he was very happy about this, he couldn't wait to see her pregnant with his child and that it had made him very happy and he was definitely sure. She questioned him to make certain and they then had unprotected sex. The next morning he said he had changed his mind! What I want to understand is what could be making him behave in this way. What causes someone to make such a complete turnaround in their feelings over a matter of hours? He says he loves my sister and then he treats her like this. My sister was devastated by his behaviour, although now she can see that it is part of a pattern and she just wants to understand why he behaves this way.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/09/09
Hi, This is a follow-up to a question I posted earlier about interrupting others. I do not tend to go on and on, and am typically more a caretaker, listening to others, and encouraging them. At certain times, I am probably hyper aware of who is paying attention, and would not want to continue if others are not responding. I think that two things may be going on: 1) the people who interrupt are usually ones whose intent is to control the conversation; 2) I could speak with authority whether or not others appear to be listening, b/c my reticence at times to "take the floor" in terms of speaking could potentially lend itself to more interrupting.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/09/09
During dinner a friend wanted to tell me a funny story about his dad and younger brother. He prefaced the story by saying 'It's a bit cruel.' I said if it was cruel that I wasn't sure i wanted to hear it. He adjusted by saying, 'It's not really cruel'. The story involved his dad playing a trick on the then four-yr-old brother while father and son were lost in an unfamiliar city. When my friend told the part where the father pretends he is going to split up with the child, I said, 'I don't want to hear the rest of the story. I don't think it's funny to play a joke like that on a child.' My friend was irritated and got angry. I stayed disengaged and said 'I'll see you later when you're not upset anymore.' Based on other stories my friend has told me, his father had an abusive streak and big anger problems. I didn't feel good listening to a story which glorifies mean behavior, especially towards a young child. Any perspective on this?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/09/09
I am finding that many times, when I try to "visit" my Spirit guide, that the experience is becoming more "sensual." What I mean is, I first envisioned visiting her in the forest. Now I find that I smell pine trees, roses, etc, and I "see" more details of the surroundings. Could this indicate I am developing a deeper relationship with Spirit?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/08/09
The WS has no way of directly connecting to Spirit, is that correct? It just occurred to me that must be why so many of my addictions and behaviors are such strong compulsions. It is because my WS is lacking that wisdom from Spirit, and she is trying REALLY hard to "get love." The WS has the false belief that the best feelings come from "getting love," so that is her "really good reason" for doing all these dysfunctional activities. Am I on the right track here?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/08/09
We are going through a very difficult period in our marriage, and I know that in life if we are connected with God we feel safer and more peaceful inside. Between meditations, IB (I am still very much a beginner), yoga, art, etc. I feel I am able to soothe the pain to some degree. However, part of me struggles with that and wonders if by "soothing" I am really just avoiding the issues and pretending they aren't there. I am curious about your thoughts.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/08/09
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