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Question
Hi Margaret, This last month my immediate family has been home and there have been some family get-togethers. I could not help but notice the difference in our relationships. In particular, my brother and his wife have great chemistry but they yell and snap and tell each other what to do all the time...after learning about IB for me all it looks like is they hurt each other and then fill each other up...they are quite often the centre of attention. I told my brother that my partner and I are quite different - and that (b/c I know we are still working through our fears engulfment/rejection) I would never tell him what to do..or to Fk-off. There is another couple there who also say fk-off often. They both told me that once my relationship was longer than 2 yrs I would do the same. Sometimes I look at my brothers over-chem in public and wish I had a little more, but I feel this will cause some serious problems down the road. what are your thoughts on this? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/21/10
My seventeen year old son was arrested last night and is in jail (marijuana). I am just sick about the whole thing. I feel that I have tried to hard to be a good parent to him! While I get that he is responsible for himself and making his own choices, there is a part of me that feels very guilty for failing as a parent. He has been a challenging teenager, and chooses to spend most of his time at his dads, leaving me feeling that i have even less input. I am so sad about all of this. Do you have any suggestions how to handle my pain. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/21/10
Can you help me take a stand with my brother. He is currently leaving his wife b/c she started having an affair 6 years ago. He and is wife agreed to live together giving the reason "for the sake of the kids". My brother is the kind of person who tells you how it is and only wants you to agree with him. Now, my brother has decided to divorce his wife b/c he is having a cyber-relationship, stating his reason is b/c of high blood pressure. He moved into my parents' home, stays in the guest room and plays online w/ his community and girlfriend who he has set up so they can see each other on their TV and talk on their headsets. His kids (11 and 13) are left to play XBOX and computer games and he checks on them every couple of hours. He is planning to fly her out to be with our family to bring healing to his new girlfriend who he is rescuing from an abusive family (she is 17 yrs. younger than my brother who is in his 40's). I want no part of this, but want to tell him in a healthy way. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/21/10
There are a few colleagues, who are taking on more leadership roles, at my work who have a tendency to share and on occasion brag. I am becoming slightly annoyed by this and trying not to be both resentful or jealous of their new direction. I get that if I feel those feelings it is coming from my WS. My LA has chosen to take a different career route in the same field, which will take the next year to complete. How can I be more supportive of these colleagues without the resentment and stay connected to myself and my career interest? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/21/10
I'm trying to do the 3 step anger process about a person who hurt me in the past and who I still see. However, no one comes to mind for step 2. What do I do? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/21/10
I'm just contemplating what my aims are in life and I've realised I never really stick at anything! I've achieved things I'm proud of, but still, everything is very 'stop/start'. I've tried lots of different approaches to personal development, but never stuck at one. IB feels right and brings all the others together, so hopefully this will be different. But will this happen in other areas of my life? There are certain things I have stopped doing and then have come back to several times (singing, writing, yoga) - but the fact I haven't stuck at them solidly means I haven't progressed with them as much as I'd like. With other things, I get into them, lose interest and move on. I even do it with homes and jobs. I enjoy variety and I have learnt from everything I've done, but I'm still wondering if there is some woundedness behind this inconsistency. I now feel lost and floundering. Isn't it time I stuck at something and took it to a new level? If so, how do I choose what? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/21/10
My 57 yr old cousin called for yrs to rant about how others treat her. Often screams & cries loudly; I can't get a word in to say, can't talk now! She had poor parenting so I feel compassion. She inherited huge amount of money & her recent complaints are about other cousins,friends asking her for money. She offered unsolicited help with my son's college, and donate to non profit I run. hasn't done either. Last week she called to rant about how everyone wants her money, she won't be sending me anything, etc etc. I wrote her a note requesting she not lump me into such a tirade, since I never asked her for money, and that she had, in fact offered and never delivered on the offers she made me. I don't believe I was in any way aggressive or hostile. Her response was to call and tell me she was very hurt and she wants me "out of her life." I emailed, sorry you felt hurt, let's talk. No response. Gotta just let it go, yes? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/20/10
When it is said that other people treat us in the way that we are treating ourself, it seems that it sounds like the receiver of misbehavior is being blamed for it. The proverbial blame the victim approach. It makes it sound like if we are just doing something right, ie. loving ourselves right, that other people will not misbehave or treat us unlovingly, cheat on us, lie to us, leave us, use us etc. I can see how we may not stand still for this to keep happening once we learn how to love ourselves, but I can't see blaming ourselves that others act this way by saying this is just a reflection of our own self-abandonment. Am I misunderstanding somehow? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/20/10
Hi, I have been feeling a lot of anger about a work situation. Someone who works directly under me does not call me by my formal title, which generally feels fine. I get very mad, however, when she calls me by my informal title at the same time that she refers to the head of the project more formally. We are a very small team (3 people). It feels like she may be trying to undermine me and my authority, or be passive aggressive, and I can't think of what would be a loving action to take. Any suggestions or thoughts about what might be going on and/or loving actions to take? Thanks. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/19/10
Hi Margaret. I notice you have been recommending SelfQuest half a dozen times in your Qs and As. While I recognize the need to promote SelfQuest, I feel uncomfortable with paying membership already on a monthly basis, only to have this product presented to me as part of taking advantage of the Qs and As. I feel indignant and angry that when I am focused on trying to connect with myself, through the Qs and As (which have been very helpful), that I have a product pushed on me. It is also $1,000 which I cannot afford at all, and so it feels like it needs to be promoted, yes, as it is very helpful, but not as part of advice-giving in the Qs and As. Thank you. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/19/10
HI I am new to inner bonding love it so far, my question is my husband and I split up after an affair 10 years ago because he had an affair, I dont believe I had ever let him in or felt loved by him , actually have never felt loved by anyone , I was sexually abused by my father, abandoned by my mother at 16 and married at 21 to my current husband, he has a bad temper and has been very selfish as far as his coming and going , I spent many nights crying and fearful because he was all I had, I have been diagnosed with pstd, and my adrenals are exhausted, I have been on a journey for about a year now which led me to this site, back to my question. I met a wonderful guy when my husband and I split up and had felt what real love was suppose to be for the first time in my life I was 40 years old. I chose to go back to my marriage because my inner guidance said to do so, forgiveness, my son for a lot of reasons I went back but I still think of the other guy every day how do I get over him. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/19/10
Do you have any specific suggestions on how to raise your vibrational frequency? It seems that when I am really needing guidance, that it is difficult to hear it. Are there specific activities you can do to help your frequency? I do know that prayer, meditation and being in nature do help me, but sometimes when I am really struggling they don't work either! Thank you! Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/19/10
about the 5 day intensive...I remember someone talking about their first...and watching you work... about how much faster the IB took place... My fear is you do some kind of "EST" thing..."forcing" the walls down...I never did EST, but heard plenty of horror stories... Is there a process of "backing w/s into a corner...and "making them deal" with whatever in a loving environment? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/19/10
my question is that I have not had a sexual relationship with my husband in three years, I cant seem to open myself up to him, one reason is there were affairs but that was 10 years ago, the other reason is that he is a selfish lover its only about him, the quickie, and there was also alot of verbal abuse, I stay with him because I feel like he needs me to teach him how to love, but I get great anxiety when I feel like we might have sex, I cant get passed it, the last time we had sex even after me asking him if he could think about me he jumped up started swearing at me and left the room, I believe we are codependent, how can I fix this, sincerely julie, Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/19/10
You recently suggested that I join meetup, and I finally got the courage to sign up, although it took me over a month to do so. I'm really excited about the prospect of meeting new people and engaging in activities that I find enjoyable; however, I am experiencing a little bit of anxiety and nervousness about my first event and meeting these people for the first time. Any suggestions on getting through the first few moments of awkwardness? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/19/10
I am listening to "Healing the Fear of Intimacy," and what you described where the other person gives themselves up, flees from the relationship, and loses interest. This has happened to me multiple times. I never perceived that the other person was giving themselves up. I know I often give myself up too. I get that we are attracted at the same level, but how do I discourage the other person from giving themselves up, so that I can preserve a potential relationship? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/19/10
I have recently been running as one way to become healthy and take loving action. The problem is that I don't have positive experiences running in my past, because I really struggled with it when I was a college athlete for conditioning. Before I had to run, but now I choose to do it. Physically, I should really excel, but I have a history of psyching myself out, and therefore performing poorly. I feel like I am stumped mentally. How can I possibly get out of my head and really enjoy my run? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/19/10
Aspergers, ADD, Co-dependent. I hear all these mentioned about my spouses family because of the choices they have made and how they live their lives. Is it likely that 4 siblings would all have these characteristics or is it more likely a codependent family dynamic? Regardless of why they are the way they are I have made the choice to take care of myself and practice IB because the underlying feelings still have to be dealt with for me to be healthy. My sister-in-law has expressed similiar difficulties she faces and I feel I cannot continue to question why it is what it is. To me the bottom line is I still have to take responsibility for my feelings. Would you agree? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/18/10
since starting IB and other kinds of healing work (reiki and somatic therapies like emoto-somatic release) i find that i am not attracted to the same sorts of people and that many of my relationships have sort of dropped off, especially with people who seem to 'want something' from me or are unloving towards me. they seem draining now, and i can feel when someone is pulling on me for energy instead of actually engaging with me to share love or ideas. part of me feels panic about this (WS). but i generally feel peace about this. is this a common experience? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/18/10
Sometimes experiencing grief and loss, I start to sing the blues and feel these emotions flowing more freely. This happens when I'm alone and has something to do with acceptance. Does singing the blues mean I am dwelling in my wounded self? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/18/10
I work with new colleagues every time I get a new short-term assignment, and this time around I was feeling great about the two I'm with. We had been going out weekly for dinners and having a great time. Then last week I had to hand off some work to one of them, and it was a bit awkward which we both acknowledged and, I thought, handled collaboratively. But ever since then I have felt a strong cut-off from that co-worker. She is no longer joining us for dinners, she cut me off very abruptly when I came by to drop off the other co-worker's umbrella. I checked in with her to see if everything is okay, but she didn't seem willing to engage even that much. She is leaving next week and might just be disengaging, but I can't help feeling "Was it something I did?" I can't even get a sense from her of whether or not it has anything to do with me, though! I feel stuck and don't know how to move forward. How do you take responsibility for your feelings when you don't know what happened. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/18/10
I have always been confident about myself when it comes to my career and had a great track record of being successful in job interviews. The last year it's been really hard and has just got much harder because of the government making massive budget cuts in my sector so there are hardly any jobs. I am currently in a temporary job, which I cannot continue after September. Recently, I've had two job offers withdrawn due to budget cuts, then I didn't even get shortlisted for a job I thought I had a great chance of getting an interview for (my friends were shocked too), then I had an interview last week and haven't yet heard back, which suggests I was unsuccessful. I am so tired of filling out long application forms and preparing for job interviews. I feel I have no time to just live and be with my IC and also to do things that raise my frequency. Yet the longer this goes on for, the more I can feel my confidence and energy dropping. I don't understand why this is happening to me. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/18/10
I noticed my date looking at a women passing by before I met up with him. This made me feel uncomfortable. How does one react if your date notices women at a party/dinner? and may start flirting. I want to be self controlled and not show jealousy. Perhaps, having a plan before I go out with him will help as well - meaning if he continues - then perhaps I will leave him and go home. Thank you for your reply. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/17/10
When i'm at work there are a couple of people that trigger my wounded child and i know this. I really want to lead with the intent to learn but i find myself falling back into the trap of protecting by withdrawing and being distant. i know i'm doing it, i try to talk with my little girl. I know it reminds me of being left out, or someone being mean and so i withdraw. But, i can't seem to figure out how to not do that. To try and make myself be forward, friendly or whatever seems fake or unreal. I try compassion and remember to turn the other cheek and be spiritual and loving, it doesn't last. What am i doing wrong? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/17/10
I moved into a sublet for the summer because I was having doubts about my relationship and the opportunity arose. (I'd been living w/my bf of 3 years in a studio apt.) He assumed I'd be back come Sept., but I'm feeling resistance. He says our relationship won't improve unless we spend more, not less, time together. Part of me really wants to try harder/again, and I know moving farther away probably won't help our intimacy. The other part of me feels like I've tried hard enough (3 years, and the doubts persist) and wants to move on. But why is it SO hard for me to decide? When I'm with him I really start to think it could work, but as soon as I'm alone at my sublet I feel sure I want to move out. What's going on? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/17/10
I have a question about how can you tell the difference between a longing/desire that has been calling to you for years and the wounded self? Something I'm struggling with right now is a European backpacking trip. It's something I have always wanted to do since I was a teenager. Now that I'm nearly 40 and in a long term career that burning desire to do a 6-8 week trip is coming up over and over. Sometimes I can't tell if this is a calling I need to explore or simply a distraction from daily life and the job. The intensity around this desire is something that does bring up things around my teenage years. Not sure how to handle these feelings or understand where they are coming from. Any suggestions? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/17/10
I shared from an intent to learn my feelings about how I experience my husband working so closely with a vulnerable, lonely divorcing woman all day long in our home, traveling overnite with her etc. I don't like her leaning on him like she does her other girlfriends for support and companionship. He said that if it were me doing this with another man, that he would feel the same way I do. Then he said, well that's just the way it is, there is nothing we can do about it. This made me feel like I am enabling a hurtful and dysfunctional situation for myself, as our marriage seems to always involve more and more compromises on my part that do not feel comfortable or healthy for my spirit. How can I know what to do that is lovingly responsible so I don't damage myself by having a wounded victimy attitude or conversely being too passive and enabling? Thanks. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/16/10
I was married 20yrs when my husband cheated with my best friend. He always told me it was not an affair that he loved her. I was devastated. I stayed trying to "fix" us so we would not end in divorce, he told me he loved me, but, he also would not give her up. i finally told him he had to leave as he was "killing me". He moved out 3yrs ago and i am still stuck on him. I Love him and feel i always will. I miss him and often trouble myself with feelings of , if i had known this sooner perhaps we could have saved our marriage. Yet, there's a part of me that also feels this is not the right person for me. I always felt like he couldn't hear my words or my heart, i always felt empty and alone in his presence. Why would i want to be with this person so bad? Why do i still Love him and miss him? Why have i not moved on, i feel crazy! Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/16/10
Against my better judgment, I just had my friend visit who is living with an active alcoholic. I told her beforehand that I didn't think it is fair for me to have to listen about his problems and have this stress loaded on me. She tried hard not to, would start in then stop but I could tell she was in alot of pain. I stuck to my guns and we had some fun and then something shifted and I felt like opening myself to have her share her feelings. I shared some of my perspective and truth, we prayed, and she actually got an idea to schedule herself for a family CD eval even tho he won't go. I was so proud of her and thankful to God. At first it felt like her sharing was for attention seeking and control, since she always has something to complain about, so I am surprised and uncertain now about when it is loving to listen and when it is not. Thoughts? Thanks so much for all your help. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/16/10
"My sexual drive is not made for monogamy" That was one of the reasons my husband cited when I asked him from the intent to learn about his lack of interest in sex.He also said there's too much on his mind these days to feel sexual. He went on telling me that although I am not jealous as in the past, he can sense my vulnerability and fragility, and that his sexual drive might have gone low in response to all that. Although he has always been faithful to me, my husband told me before that he needed to flirt lightly and just in general feel free to admire other women. Sex's been an issue for several years. My part was that I made my husband my higher power, and needed sex to feel connected/loved. I no longer pull on him for sex and affection, and doing IB. result - we no longer make love. I am trying hard not to judge my husband's words. But my WS is restless, questioning his monogamy statement, seeing it as evidence that I am with a wrong guy who is not attracted to me. what's the Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/16/10
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A Testimonial

'This was my second Intensive, and it brought me to a place of peace even faster than my first one. I was able to stay present for most of the week and sustained a feeling of pure joy for hours on end. Nothing is more fulfilling than truly seeing your own essence.' Colorado Intensive, 6.10

Derek Childs,College Student - age 19
Merrimack
603/897-9175
derekjameschildsDELETE_HERE@yahoo.com