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Question
I'm the one who asked the 2 Qs about sexuality, etc. I went to a book store today and looked through the erotica there. There were stuff on domination and submission, all kinds of things that I don't want to have in my own sex life (if I ever have one!). What is going on there? I am not sexually experienced but it looks like a lot of WS in erotica. Surely true erotica would deal with mutual attraction, etc., and nothing to do with power issues like domination etc. Your thoughts? Also, is there any books that embodies the best in us? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/28/10
i have recently become very drawn to nature and to the natural sciences. i get so thrilled when i think about pursuing deeper activities that involve both. i have been reading more about science and have been joining more mountain hikes in my area. i would like to participate in longer wilderness and maybe even pursue the science end of things in a more formal way. i want to deepen my interests, but i often get derailed and distracted, not so much by my daily life and responsibilities, but by a demotivated part of me that maybe thinks that more involvement in these new areas is unrealistic. i know this must be a wounded part that is trying to step in. how can i increase my motivation for these things that clearly bring me joy? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/28/10
I have a SIL who is very "moody" and I have noticed how much he sets the tone around their home although my daughter tries to ignore him. He and I had a rocky start getting along initially but that has gotten better. Today he was supposed to work and my daughter asked us to help clean out what will be the nursery. It meant taking lots of things, including furniture to be donated. I did that with her and my husband worked on setting up their computer to be wireless. My SIL was allowed to leave work early and was instead home when we arrived. We spent 3 hours helping and as the time wore on, my SIL became more sullen and short tempered, not with me, but with my daughter. Finally she told me he wanted to go see a friend and use their hot tub but since we were there, he couldn't. He has acted this way before and I've asked him what was going on and he usually won't reply honestly. He talks through her. It makes for a strained visit with them and worries me that she takes it. Ideas? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/27/10
An old acquaintance from 15 yrs ago called and stated he is 1 step away from going to a homeless shelter, When I knew him he was hypochondriac, paranoid and always a victim in all his circumstances. he lost his home and job. He has an MBA from a prestigious school and now he can't hold any type of job down, recently losing a waiter job. He explained to me how he has exhausted all of his resources and all the people who try to help him really just enjoy "torturing" him.I asked him what he thought I could do and he said listen even though it might be too late for him. I don't want to get involved in his life, yet I think he has a mental illness and needs help. His perception of people will never change, I know this. How does a person get out of this mentality and become productive? he has been floating from hotel to hotel and said he may have to live in his car. Thank you Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/27/10
I grew up in a household with two very wounded parents with a lot chaos - yelling, screaming, physical fighting, etc. I was the peacemaker and caretaker. So my WS grew to be monitoring and trying to control the family environment as to keep the peace. I realize that my WS did this so I could survive and I did survive, so I have this belief that I need to do this in my life now in order to survive. Because this "worked" in the past I am having trouble convincing myself that this is a false belief. I was hoping that you could shed some insight into how I can see that this is a false belief. Maybe it is that my efforts at monitoring and controlling were not the thing that enabled me to survive? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/27/10
I have long wondered how to handle this uncomfortable situation. My husband is very handsome, and for some reason certain women have no problem approaching us when we are out in community activities and monopolizing him in conversation and leaving me out. I have even had them both turn their backs on me and I try to move back in to the conversation space and listen and contribute but its clear they are only wanting to talk to him. I have tried to talk to him about being more clear that we are together or not encouraging women to do this but I'm not sure if that is appropriate either. I don't know if I should walk away or what - he is my husband, after all. Any insights would be greatly appreciated. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/27/10
My WS can start shaming and judging me for no reason. As I work the IB process, I've come to realize this is an attempt to avoid rejection and loss. During the IB process, I've also discovered from my Guidance that the loving action I need to take is to accept my helplessness over rejection and loss. Even though I may not currently be experiencing rejection or loss at the moment my WS goes into "action" by shaming, judging, and scaring me; it is attempting to avoid being helpless over some potential rejection or loss. It really has been helpful to me to follow my Guidance advice and embrace my helplessness over rejection and loss even though I'm not experiencing it in the moment. What I've come to realize is that every moment of every day I am helpless over my external environment and embracing it all day every day has helped me to embrace my very fear of helplessness. I thought I'd share this insight because it has been so helpful to me in being my own LA. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/26/10
two nights in a row i have had vivid dreams in which i am directly speaking to my mother while she in is in a very wounded state. (i recently came back from spending several weeks with my actual mother.) in each dream, i call my mother on her behaviour--in one case, she is gripped by lassitude and cannot motivate herself to get up and get moving. i speak firmly to her. in the other dream, she is acting like a spoiled child who is acting flippantly about adhering to her bedtime. again, i speak firmly, telling her how her behaviour is counter-productive. in the 2nd dream, and my father comes out, as though to be a buffer between her and me. my actual father did fill this role when my mother and i had conflicts. i think my 'mother' in my dream is my WS. do you see anything else that might help me use this dream to learn? thanks. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/25/10
Hello, I feel constantly a lot of fear. SInce I wake up in the morning.I fear I am not going to show up to work. LIke I am not going to be able to perform simple tasks. But I do!I fear I am going again into a day I don t want to be in really- and in fact I do!Feeling alone with in myself is terrifying because I simply do not like it. I am trying to have a dialogue with my IC about it and it seems NOTHING will make her happy. I do praise myself for showing up, for doing the things i do, for trying for...A LOT!!! It does not seem to sink it, " I am not feeling it" can you tell me honestly and clearely what's going on here? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/25/10
My daughter is in the 8th grade and asked me to accompany her and her classmates on a field trip to a Holocaust museum. While I am delighted to go with her, since she rarely wants me to attend school functions, I am concerned about how this will impact me. I do not do well viewing certain types of scenarios that are disturbing. For example, I tried to watch the movie Shinlers List, but find it too painful. I am committed to attending with her, but how wonder if you have any suggestions on how handle my pain and discomfort when seeing sad/graphic materials. Thank you Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/25/10
I just read the love and addictions article you sent out this week. WOW. This I am 3/5 with this. I often feel have thoughts and tell myself my partner doesn't care for me as much because he goes in waves with his affection or how much 'attention' he is paying to me. I don't know when or how I started to do this. I get what your saying its my thoughts that create my feelings - but then what AM I picking up on or feeling when he is 'not into me' as much...and I find as a man he goes in waves...very close and then in his own world for a while. Another question - we had a discussion about me being an open person and him being closed. I said that when he approaches things from being close/private I feel shut out...but he said that my openness is sometimes too overwhelming..I see both sides..do you recommend anything I can read about this? B/c I realized I talk to him like HE is an open person - and it doesn't work... Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/24/10
My 10 yr old daughter shares a lot of her friends' secrets with me. She made the mistake of telling her friend that she told me one of her secrets. Now the girls in her group are alienating her. There are no other girls in her room at school. She said to me "Mom I know that if I tell you some of the secrets you will help me understand things and that will make my life easier (one of the secrets was about one little girl's older sister (13yrs) doing drugs and having sex with her boyfriend). How can I help my daughter not feel so left out (heartbroken and lonely) and ensure that she continues to build a foundation of good communication with me, in light of these neg. peer messages? (she is very upset that she is no longer one of the popular girls.....I explained popularity is about who you are, not who you are friends with). Thanks Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/24/10
I have been lonely in the past when by myself, wanting to share love with others. But also lonely in terms of wanting others to fill me up. These days I don't expect that. I find I'm no longer lonely (although bored at times) even though I'm by myself nearly all the time. I am starting to wonder if I'm suppressing some core emotion if I'm not lonely at all. Or whether this is probably a phrase in my own life, one that will pass and I'll re-enter society when I'm ready. Any thoughts? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/24/10
Alot is spoken about the lies we tell ourselves. What would be a great long list of comforting and validating truths we can tell ourselves? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/24/10
Hello Dr. Paul, I just posted a question on the forum page, titled "recently separated and heartbroken" and while the content was too long to be placed here, could you reference the post on the forum? I am very down, very sad, and extremely lost. Thank you, J Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/24/10
Hi Margaret!!! I have a dear friend( single woman who lives alone) who is recently diagnosed with breast and lymph cancer. She considers me an important part of her support team and I am honored to be part of it. My concern is that I have observed she is manipulative in the way she is getting others to do for her what she could/should be doing for herself and sometimes communicates is a way that is rude & abrupt. I want to be compassionate towards her because I care for her and can not imagine what she is going through in preparation for a double mastectomy,however, I don't want to fall into a pattern of care taking that is unhealthy & I'm beginning to feel like I want to minimize my contact with her(which I am clear is an intent to protect). Any advice on how to lovingly address my concerns with her and timing of addressing those concerns - her surgery is less than 2 weeks away and she is overwhelmed. With Love & Blessings! Ginger Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/24/10
I spend alot of time alone. I used to think that my loneliness was about not having others respond to my reaching out or not having them want to reach out to me. Now I am relieved to learn this isn't the way to get love, i give it to myself from Spirit, and that is healthy and ok. However, I find that now I am sensing that many people are closed to loving and are draining to be around. Are there people out there in this world to share love with? I don't have alot of confidence that there are, or where to find them. Thanks for listening. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/24/10
my husband has been unemployed over one year. last nite he told me that if this latest prospect doesn't work out (that will involve a move and me uprooting my private practice), he will feel hopeless and suicidal. I am finding his tension so draining that I am almost looking forward to him moving away, and his anger and emotional unavailability have just heightened over the past year. I don't know what is my WS vs my LA feelings in all this, but I am growing so much more ambivalent about my marriage. I try to open to compassion for him and myself, and this helps me find peace - but not much improves on his part... Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/24/10
I find that my thoughts are following a familiar pattern. Life is challenging as I have been without steady work for a couple of years and my financial resources are exhausted. Also, a couple of months ago my significant other moved away and it was time for it to end anyway as we had gotten into an unresolvable issue. In retrospect he was an addiction that helped me to avoid my feelings about my finances and I preferred having this love connection to being without one. I am now building a promising new business with competent partners. My 'programming' is telling me that I should flat avoid a new intimate relationship so that I am not distracted. I also know that I feel an unworthiness of being loved, because I am embarrassed about my situation. I have repeatedly done this in life, tell myself I'm not worthy of a relationship, or not relationship material, until X happens. Any advice on what a love addict should do under the circumstances should a new love interest present himself? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/24/10
I must have asked this question in Today's chat. I find that I am using a lot of profane words whenever I get angry. Am I right when I say that beneath this type of behavior there are core painful feelings of helplessness? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/23/10
My husband and I have become aware of our pulling on each other for the love we can only get from Spirit. Having this information, we resolved to stop using each other and instead stop abandoning ourselves. As a result, we are recognizing that when we are around each other on the weekends that we are feeling drained physically. Could this possibly be a result of giving up our addiction for love and approval from each other? Could our physical bodies actually be going through some withdrawals? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/22/10
I have a friend who only calls me when she is having problems with her marriage. Some would say I am being used, and certainly this relationship is not two-way. The thing is, I enjoy the process of helping her. I am now introducing her to IB concepts and she loves it. It is very satisfying to me to have this interaction. Another friend thinks this is co-dependant of me. Is there something I am not getting? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/22/10
What can I tell my wounded self when she begins giving me messages that I can't handle things? Fear often is not about the things that might happen, but about the belief that I can't handle whatever it is. Does this make sense? My WS tells me she can look into the past and see all these mistakes I made and how I couldn't/didn't handle things, and that that should be proof that I'll never be able to handle life. She tells me that I'll have a breakdown, and I tell her that I won't abandon myself that way. She keeps on with the messages. How to address? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/22/10
i have written before about the challenge of my job,which is on a reserve in a northern community.one of my good friends was just let go so that a friend of the principal could come and take her place.i'm angry and feel scared and betrayed by my boss.i could be next.he told me that he has no complaints about my work and that i shouldn't be fearful.he also lied that the firing was part of a long process.part of my anxiety comes from this unjust situation and other ones at the school.the other problem i have is that my husband wants to come and visit me.i have expressed my ambivalence about our marriage to him often.where i am is very remote,and i don't want him to visit as well because of a relationship i have with a man up here.i am not ready to tell him.i told him that i will come home for a visit instead.for the first time ever i have my own life,and i feel he doesn't hear me.am i wrong to ask him not to visit?am i controlling or taking care of me?i love this other man. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/22/10
Hello, I am having a very hard time working on pursuing my dreams. I.e. I need to write my biography . i really have a hard time "putting me out" talking about myself, promoting me. I am a good writer, but this kind of work is sooo hard. i find myself sitting there for hours stalling, kind of waiting for the next line. it is exhausting. i get impatience and go.. OH my God is this a week project?!?! I get impatience.. I loose patience with myself when I face such challenges. I am trying to be loving. to give me self talks acknoledging it is not easy...but man!!...any advice ? thank you! Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/21/10
i am a canadian living and working in south korea. the culture of the workplace is different here. as a req of employment, i obtained a criminal background check. my type of work visa does not require it, but my employer, a public university, requested it. now my employer is now asking for a further federal check, a much more complicated procedure. i see this as an unreasonable request, esp since the check i provided satisfies the government. but in this culture, speaking up about this wd be seen as insubordination. my only choices are to a)get the other check or b)continue to ignore the request. it feels passive/aggressive and resistant to just ignore the request, but i really do not want to go thru the process of the other procedure. the situation reminds me of experiences as a young child where i tried to speak up for myself and was punished for doing so. how do i handle this as a loving adult? i am willing to lose the job rather than participate in a power struggle. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/21/10
As I move deeper into a loving connection with IC, I find myself increasingly withdrawing from social life. I have always found social life to be stressful, but I have usually forced myself to engage in gatherings and volunteer activities anyway in order to be responsible and to not hurt people's feelings. On the other had, my heart feels wide open to my husband and son with whom I have deeply trusting relationships. When people in the past have asked about closing oneself off to other people, you have consistently advised that a loving connection to other people is the true end. I am finding that my loving connection is deepening for two people and closing off to everybody else. Ideally, it would be wonderful to feel loving to everyone, but in reality, I find myself uninterested in anyone other than my family. I guess that I feel that I need to start with relationships that are honestly loving and hopefully grow outward from there. Am I moving in the right direction? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/21/10
For many years, I have longed deeply to remove myself from daily life. I envision myself living in a cabin in the middle of nowhere. I imagine myself on the ultimate retreat where I decompress, detoxify, meditate and connect with my deepest self. Recently, I received an opportunity to get away for three months, and to do exactly what I have been craving. I have great difficulty putting my needs first and giving myself what I want, so this provides me an opportunity to take care of myself. I have also had stress related health issues and this break is welcome. The problem is that I also have a strong tendency to run away from my problems. I can also sense in myself an expectation to "fix" myself during the three months which is unaccepting and judgmental. I am having doubts about whether it is healthy for me to drop everything in my life and isolate myself for three months. I cannot tell whether its my loving self that is being cautious or my wounded self being unwilling to take the risk. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/21/10
hello, it is a week that i am not smoking. I talk everyday with my IC and ask her: do you want to smoke? - she turns her head 'no' - doesent feel great not to smoke? - and she nods Yes- At night when I am in bed I tell her how great she did for not smoking today. in the morning I pray and I feel my fear that I might fall and smoke. As of now I am happy of this connection with my IC- I totally feel her and see her here when I ask her these questions- more than others, for now- I am also noticing that my WS is also stronger though. It is like both sides of me, the light positive connected one, and the wounded dark sad one are getting stronger. i.e. today I am at library , and just one clear thought " I don t want to be here" ( as in here in life, notthe library) got me to start crying tearing asap. I know that i have other withdrawing and procrastinating behaviours to correct, but can you tell me a bit about this 2 sides feeling both stronger? suggestions? Thank you! Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/21/10
Hello, I received the following email from my brother-in-law's wife and do not know how to respond. I am praying about it but would also appreciate your input. My husband was Power of Attorney of his step-mother's estate and did not keep proper records of transactions made. I have separated myself from what has transpired since by husband was drinking heavily through this period. He has been sober for just over 2 years now. I have not had any contact with my brother-in-law's wife since the funeral which was in January 2008. "Hi Margaret. I am sending this email as a request to speak to you. As the legal proceedings continue we want to ensure that you know what is at stake as my main concern is for your kids. Please contact me if you can. If I don't hear from you it will be assumed that you are prepared to follow this out to the end regardless of the consequences. Thanks, Sheila." I know my feelings are fear based and I am very uncertain and confused. Thank you. Margaret Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/21/10
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