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Question
Hi again. (I emailed u abt my husband whose father's Alzhiemer's got worse.) My husband found out yesterday his work performance not satisfactory, he has 90 days to shape up or further disciplinary actions will be taken. His weakest area is being self-reliant. His OCD probably plays a key factor there. He sees a psychiatrist but I can't see any improvement honestly. I have made various suggestions in improving self-reliance. His self-esteem is low not because of me but because of his feeling he's failed in various areas of his life. And I didn't help because he's been unassertive in the past when his sister bullied me, and other similar things too, and I remember those times and know I can't rely on him. I also recognize my many failings and weaknesses in my marriage with him. My question is, how do I respond when he talks about his low-esteem? His work performance? He's always been a "poor student" and "slow to learn." Can't tell if it's his OCD or his intelligence. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 03/11/10
Today's Daily Inspiration ('Notice in your interactions with others if you are sharing your caring and understanding, or if you are trying to get attention and approval')reminded me that for the most part I only interact with others to get. It feels a lot safer this way. Otherwise I wouldn't quite know how to interact without an objective. But others do seem to socialize so much easier than I do. Is there a book that covers the absolute basics on 'how to socialize'? without wanting anything. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 03/10/10
I recently came across an item in our home of a very sexual nature from my now husbands sexual past. It was to do with a very specific subject that I asked him about a while back, his answer was no......because of recently finding this item the answer is yes.....he lied to me which hurts deeply, AND he kept it, he kept it!!!!......Should I just let it be? Approach him? Ask him why? or breathe & forget about it? Thanks! Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 03/10/10
This relates to y'day's post abt husband being controlling because his father getting worse. My husband apologized to me today. I asked him whether he thought he was more controlling as a result of his father getting worse. He said yes. (Yesterday's laundry, which I did, wasn't absolutely needed that day.) We talked a bit. The issue for him is, he feels terrible, is beating up on himself about this and some other things. That wasn't my intention. My intention was to avoid being treated in such a controlling manner. The issue for me is, how do I take care of myself when my husband has many challenges in his life--his father is one of the most impt ones--and my husband sometimes becomes controlling and we fight as a result? I realized I forgot to ask, "What is your intent here when you are asking me to do laundry today?" etc ... which you talked about a couple of months ago. That is one solution maybe. I don't want him to beat up on himself. I don't want him to control me either. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 03/09/10
I've been working on my helplessness especially in my work environment. I have a moody boss who can be chatty and friendly one moment and then completely withdrawn, closed off and "bossy" the next. Through IB dialogue, my IC has told me she does not feel safe to share with this person. My Guidance has told me I need to set an internal boundary, albeit lovingly, regarding my boss to not share. I set those boundaries into motion today and I felt very peaceful and certain about it, but my boss got pretty upset and annoyed with me. I find this often when I try to set boundaries and I become fearful and scared. I know what the false beliefs are, but my WS is still scared. Any ideas on how to be kind to my WS as it adjusts to the scarey changes I am making with my boss? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 03/08/10
i have had to deal with many feelings of rejection and exclusion by my brother and his wife. My brother became an attorney and married a woman from southern roots who is like Hyacinth Bucket on Keeping up Appearances; I guess my husband and I are not considered worthy to be included in their inner circle. Efforts to invite my sister in law have not been accepted or canceled (we run in different circles you see). However, they are willing to see us for sat am breakfasts when I initiate or on holidays (they exchange and open gifts amongst themselves only). I have no other close blood relatives and my husbands family lives across the country. This sat. we had breakfast and my sister in law let it slip that my moms cousin who was like an uncle to me died about 2 months ago on Christmas Day. I was so upset they didn't tell me so I could pay my respects! I contacted his family yesterday to do this, 2 months after the fact. I honored him by sending a eulogy to my brother/wife. Any thoughts? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 03/08/10
My husband was grieving that his father's Alzhiemer's seems to be getting worse--his father got confused and pooped on his own coat at the church's bathroom yesterday instead of via the toilet. This morning my husband made various minor demands on me, and then he demanded that I do laundry for him. He kept saying "It's not fair!" when I didn't want to do laundry today because I wanted to go for a long drive in the country and go to a park before going to a doctor's appt. He asked me to support him. I suggested I buy him new socks, etc. But no. I have done a lot for him in the past but feel like I caretake him, so I have been pulling back. We fought over this while I drove him to his workplace. Finally I said, ok, I lose, you win, I'll do laundry and he was mollified. I am ok with doing laundry, I do resent the fact that it was non-negiotable, that the only way I could support him was if I do exactly what he said. Suggestions on how to handle it next time? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 03/08/10
We had a family party this weekend, with my sisters, our divorced parents and my brother and his wife and her family. As has happened before, I felt totally exhausted and very sad after the party. One thing is that my father was there and I always feel somehow responsible for him, because he behaves like victim and I have been his favorite child so he expects me to help him out. I hate it and I don't know how to deal with it! Also, my brother and his wife's family are very conservative and wealthy whereas our side of the family is kind of common middle class, and the differences in "culture" are very big and I feel the tension very strongly in my body and I can't relax. I think everybody values people, not just money etc, but still there are always very uncomfortable moments and I feel like I should resolve everything but I can't. Even if I tell myself that it is not my responsibility, I still can't relax. Can you give me some advice how to take care of myself in situations like this. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 03/07/10
Can you please advise on how two adults get to a point of a "controlled" mutual conversation about having sex with other people....along with our partner,at the same time...? My husband & I have had "experiences" with "others" , just a few times..... it has "brought up" "stuff" in the past big time, fear, anger, jealousy etc....so we stopped talking and doing anything...now we are back to the point of "carefully" talking about it again to some degree,as we are lively human beings.... but often ends up in a heated "discussion"...then it gets shut down again........what am I hearing from me? What am I not listening to? I want these experiences as I believe he does as well...but not at the expense of us....he then states "I'll never talk about sex again" !!. Your advice would be great...thanks Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 03/05/10
my partner has displayed significant behaviors of fear again and continues to blame me and judge me. I feel that I have been very loving around the issues that have come up and have spent time each day working the IB process on my feelings and behaviors. I am at a loss, I am unable to connect with her on a loving level. I feel like the energy around the two of us is very low. Do we continue as a couple to work with you Margaret or do we say "uncle" and go our own ways and continue self growth and love? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 03/03/10
i am terrified to tell my husband that i want to separate, at least temporarily. i don't want to hurt him, but i feel that it is right for me at this time. recently i have told him of my wish to have some time alone, and to be on my own to figure things out, but he has always acted like it is not really what i want. he tells me that he still wants to be married, and that he loves me...i cannot get through to him. he wants everything to be the way it used to be, with me pretending to be happy, or making do. my kids are finally grown and now i need time for discernment. however, lately i have been having intense sadness for our marriage, and my life up until now. it hurts so intensely sometimes that it is hard to breathe.i am very mixed up. i am also terrified of making a huge mistake, and that i will be alone and regretful if i go through with the separation. we have been married for 25 years and have 2 children. any insight? peace... Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 03/01/10
I am stuck in the step where I am trying to take action for myself but I seem to panic and can't find the right words to say. I think the reason for that is I am hearing back from my partner what I have said to him before and I get frustrated. And I also get angry that he doing that to me which seems crazy and I don't know what to say. Yes, I can walk away but then I feel I am not taking the action I need to make my IC feel good. This is the part of my IB counseling that has caused me the most trouble....speaking up for myself and being truthful whether he agrees or not. I know this is for my healing and not to change him but it doesn't make sense to me what he is saying. I am pulling away from him and he wants it the way it used to be. The atmosphere in our house is pretty heavy and I am not sure where this is going. He is not open to learning, he wants affection which I cannot give him but I am as loving as I can be. Can you direct me on the right path. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 03/01/10
I'm the one who asked the 2 Qs about sexuality, etc. I went to a book store today and looked through the erotica there. There were stuff on domination and submission, all kinds of things that I don't want to have in my own sex life (if I ever have one!). What is going on there? I am not sexually experienced but it looks like a lot of WS in erotica. Surely true erotica would deal with mutual attraction, etc., and nothing to do with power issues like domination etc. Your thoughts? Also, is there any books that embodies the best in us? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/28/10
I have a SIL who is very "moody" and I have noticed how much he sets the tone around their home although my daughter tries to ignore him. He and I had a rocky start getting along initially but that has gotten better. Today he was supposed to work and my daughter asked us to help clean out what will be the nursery. It meant taking lots of things, including furniture to be donated. I did that with her and my husband worked on setting up their computer to be wireless. My SIL was allowed to leave work early and was instead home when we arrived. We spent 3 hours helping and as the time wore on, my SIL became more sullen and short tempered, not with me, but with my daughter. Finally she told me he wanted to go see a friend and use their hot tub but since we were there, he couldn't. He has acted this way before and I've asked him what was going on and he usually won't reply honestly. He talks through her. It makes for a strained visit with them and worries me that she takes it. Ideas? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/27/10
An old acquaintance from 15 yrs ago called and stated he is 1 step away from going to a homeless shelter, When I knew him he was hypochondriac, paranoid and always a victim in all his circumstances. he lost his home and job. He has an MBA from a prestigious school and now he can't hold any type of job down, recently losing a waiter job. He explained to me how he has exhausted all of his resources and all the people who try to help him really just enjoy "torturing" him.I asked him what he thought I could do and he said listen even though it might be too late for him. I don't want to get involved in his life, yet I think he has a mental illness and needs help. His perception of people will never change, I know this. How does a person get out of this mentality and become productive? he has been floating from hotel to hotel and said he may have to live in his car. Thank you Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/27/10
I have long wondered how to handle this uncomfortable situation. My husband is very handsome, and for some reason certain women have no problem approaching us when we are out in community activities and monopolizing him in conversation and leaving me out. I have even had them both turn their backs on me and I try to move back in to the conversation space and listen and contribute but its clear they are only wanting to talk to him. I have tried to talk to him about being more clear that we are together or not encouraging women to do this but I'm not sure if that is appropriate either. I don't know if I should walk away or what - he is my husband, after all. Any insights would be greatly appreciated. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/27/10
Hello Dr. Paul, I just posted a question on the forum page, titled "recently separated and heartbroken" and while the content was too long to be placed here, could you reference the post on the forum? I am very down, very sad, and extremely lost. Thank you, J Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/24/10
Hi Margaret!!! I have a dear friend( single woman who lives alone) who is recently diagnosed with breast and lymph cancer. She considers me an important part of her support team and I am honored to be part of it. My concern is that I have observed she is manipulative in the way she is getting others to do for her what she could/should be doing for herself and sometimes communicates is a way that is rude & abrupt. I want to be compassionate towards her because I care for her and can not imagine what she is going through in preparation for a double mastectomy,however, I don't want to fall into a pattern of care taking that is unhealthy & I'm beginning to feel like I want to minimize my contact with her(which I am clear is an intent to protect). Any advice on how to lovingly address my concerns with her and timing of addressing those concerns - her surgery is less than 2 weeks away and she is overwhelmed. With Love & Blessings! Ginger Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/24/10
I spend alot of time alone. I used to think that my loneliness was about not having others respond to my reaching out or not having them want to reach out to me. Now I am relieved to learn this isn't the way to get love, i give it to myself from Spirit, and that is healthy and ok. However, I find that now I am sensing that many people are closed to loving and are draining to be around. Are there people out there in this world to share love with? I don't have alot of confidence that there are, or where to find them. Thanks for listening. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/24/10
my husband has been unemployed over one year. last nite he told me that if this latest prospect doesn't work out (that will involve a move and me uprooting my private practice), he will feel hopeless and suicidal. I am finding his tension so draining that I am almost looking forward to him moving away, and his anger and emotional unavailability have just heightened over the past year. I don't know what is my WS vs my LA feelings in all this, but I am growing so much more ambivalent about my marriage. I try to open to compassion for him and myself, and this helps me find peace - but not much improves on his part... Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/24/10
My husband and I have become aware of our pulling on each other for the love we can only get from Spirit. Having this information, we resolved to stop using each other and instead stop abandoning ourselves. As a result, we are recognizing that when we are around each other on the weekends that we are feeling drained physically. Could this possibly be a result of giving up our addiction for love and approval from each other? Could our physical bodies actually be going through some withdrawals? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/22/10
I have a friend who only calls me when she is having problems with her marriage. Some would say I am being used, and certainly this relationship is not two-way. The thing is, I enjoy the process of helping her. I am now introducing her to IB concepts and she loves it. It is very satisfying to me to have this interaction. Another friend thinks this is co-dependant of me. Is there something I am not getting? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/22/10
i have written before about the challenge of my job,which is on a reserve in a northern community.one of my good friends was just let go so that a friend of the principal could come and take her place.i'm angry and feel scared and betrayed by my boss.i could be next.he told me that he has no complaints about my work and that i shouldn't be fearful.he also lied that the firing was part of a long process.part of my anxiety comes from this unjust situation and other ones at the school.the other problem i have is that my husband wants to come and visit me.i have expressed my ambivalence about our marriage to him often.where i am is very remote,and i don't want him to visit as well because of a relationship i have with a man up here.i am not ready to tell him.i told him that i will come home for a visit instead.for the first time ever i have my own life,and i feel he doesn't hear me.am i wrong to ask him not to visit?am i controlling or taking care of me?i love this other man. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/22/10
There is a man who I tried to have a relationship with once, stupidly slept with once, then realized there was no use pretending I liked him, & broke it off. Now he wants to restart, & I think I've made it clear, only friends, but I don't even care for him that way, AT ALL; I find him repulsive & yet I let him think I like him. How can I stop, not hurt his feelings, & feel ok alone (I have no friends)? He is the only person who seems to care for me. Am I being too picky? He's physically unattractive, we have nothing in common, he is poorly educated (I'm near-college grad & very intelligent), a belligerent personality, yet has money, can cook, & seems nice. I want love & companionship, but emotionally, I'm no prize either (depressed, celiac & allergies, perfectionist, critical, poor physical shape, arthritis, FMS, etc.). He's 70, me 66. Should I "buck-up", make an effort to like who he is & try harder, or tell him I don't care to see him anymore? He gave me a diamond necklace - Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/20/10
I heard that my ex from 3 yrs ago is dating someone 2 hrs away and now she is moving in w/ him after 6 months of dating. I am over him, but he called me twice in the middle of the night last night and hung up. Coincidentally, it was today a friend of mine found out about his plans. I am confused and maybe jealous because I still have not found my soul mate. My friend said he was giddy and nonchalantly said "oh and we'll probably get married" as if it were a grocery store run. I grew immensely after our breakup and do not want a relationship like we had. Things moved very fast then he abruptly broke up w. me. I certainly won't sleep w/ someone before we both really know each other. So I'm not interested in him but I am jealous of what he appears to have w/ someone- the roses and lollipops and good times w/ someone. I am still waiting for the person I will share my life with. Plus if he's in love, ready to move someone in w/ him, why is he doing hang up calls on me after all this time? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/19/10
After telling me for the past two years she wanted a divorce my wife told me on New Years eve she might want to work on things. A year ago that would have been welcome news but now I feel uneasy. I've done a lot of self discovery especially in the last 8 months or so. I have taken responsibility for my own happiness, developed my relationship with God, and achieved an amazing amount of peace. She still seems to be very ambivalent about her desire to truly "work on things". Her heart feels closed to me and her behavior is very disconnected. I feel sadness and heartache over this but I think my inner child is concerned I may be giving myself up if I agree "work on things" with someone who is so closed hearted. I made an appointment with her to talk about why she thinks we should work on things and what that might look like. What are your thoughts? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/19/10
I am in a co-dependent relationship. My wife and i are truly in love. We have two kids and I am pregnant. We are best friends but sometimes become one person which is a problem. We work against this to have some sort of separate identity. I often am ok with this. What ever she wants is usually ok with me. However she struggles more then i for independence and i am not always ok with feeling independent. Its weird i was for 8 years before we got together now i can hardly do it. Often she appears fine with things, then i start to see her slide down hill and it doesn't matter what i say or do. She is going to hit bottom. When she does everything becomes my fault. Ex: If i wasn't a follower and more of a leader then this could help her and she wouldn't feel so drained. What happens is she goes inside and becomes sorta vacant to me for a couple of days, but not to others. I then am triggered. This pushes me further away each time. I am afraid of getting close because i dont know what to expect. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/19/10
i'm confused about a long-distance friendship i have with someone i met online. we met twice recently, and there's some ambiguity about where things might be going (or not going). the ambiguity is really rough on me. my confidence as an attractive woman has been shaken. we hit it off, but he was not able to perform sexually, in spite of claiming attraction to me. i'm not sure if he was turned off of me, or if there was some other issue. he was a bit ambiguous about what was going on. i don't want to define myself by what men think of me, but i would like to date and be sexual. i myself am unsure what kind of relationship arrangement is best for me. one thing i know is that i don't want to get into acting out sexually to try to feel better about my sexual self. but i really enjoy sex, and at 44 feel a lot more at home with myself and my needs sexually. any thoughts? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/18/10
I was attracted to a man at work a number of years ago at a moment when I was contemplating on separation. He was fearful of workplace romance n we didn't get involved physically until I have left my job. After that one instant, I was not interested any more. Besides, I am working on my marriage which is making progress. He once in a while still tries making contact but I kept my silence. I ran into him today n I lied to him that I had some problems. He told to me explain to him afterwards. I do not want to tell him the truth. But at the same time, I don't want to tell him lies. What is the most loving thing to do for myself? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/18/10
Hello, I have a general question. As a rule of thumb .- if there is one for this- is it OK to email back to job interviewer " It was a pleasure meeting you .." type message,- or not? your comments,opinions welcome thank you Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/18/10
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