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Question
I have not pursued IB and Relationship Toolkit for 6+ weeks. I became tired of "pulling" on my SO to do RT (he was willing, but tough to pin down) and I sank further into my WS. I am breaking up with him and it is tough because he has nowhere to go. He doesn't understand why I am burned out on the relationship (taker/caretaker dynamic) although he has been trying (I've often wondered if he is a taker or sometimes just unaware). He is sad and confused, I am unsure of my decision (I consider him "family" and have a strong sense of loyalty). Should I bring up IB again and Toolkit with him or just face the grief and anger (from both sides) and move on? BTW We are inter-racial, inter-generational, which has added some issues (cultural, social, educational, etc.). Truthfully, he is hard to live with, but has a good heart. Should we go into "intent to learn" or stop this 6-year long struggle? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 09/02/10
I have a question about the Relationship eCourse. Currently I am not in a romantic relationship (haven't been for a few years) and would like to be in one. In the last couple of months the desire to be open to the experience of a relationship is getting stronger. Right now this desire is a rather scary thing for me. Is the Relationship eCourse appropriate for a single person? Is it a tool to help heal some of the fears? Possibly help open the door to a relationship? A lot of the information about the eCourse is geared toward couples. Was wondering if this course can be done alone? Thanks. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 09/02/10
I have a neighbor who is a born again Christian. When I am around her, she seems to want to zero in on that fact that I am having marital problems or other issues, and has asked intrusive questions that seems like she is trying to back me into a corner to confess my having problems that I need her to support me in. I find myself feeling uncomfortable,criticized defensive, and like I have to prove myself around her...I want to prove that I know what I am doing, that I have a personal relationship with God thru Jesus and know the bible, that I have done many years of study and have lots of information about marriage, relationships, psychology and spirituality. That I am on a viable spiritual path that includes Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. It seems like I can never come in contact with her without feeling encompassed and oppressed with a heavy weight of shame that I feel like she is trying to unload on me. I feel like she is suggesting that I am not really enlightened. Thoughts? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 09/02/10
I've been thinking about why I have the need to have sex every 3 days. I feel the need to have my husband to initiate intimacy (eg affection and sex) every 3-4 days, and when he doesn't, I start feeling unloved and undesired, and question the premises of this relationship. I am guessing that he must sense the powerful positive effect that sex has on me, and maybe that scares him and that's why he doesn't initiate and avoids intimacy? I also suspect that he has the fear of engulfment. I am aware of sliding into a taker role, and am working on loving my little girl instead of pulling on H. But isn't the desire to be intimate with someone you love is natural and stiffling it and abstaining is unnatural and unhealthy? I wonder why I need to be spiritually fulfilled, joyful and unneedy -- ie almost perfect - to deserve my husband's love? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 09/02/10
Yesterday when going to bed I told my husband how demanding I find a current situation I am in. I was hoping to get a hug from him. He did not do anything and I was wondering if I simply tune into my sadness and hold my IC and go to my guidance or if I could simply ask my husband to hold me if this is what I wish at that time.Or both? Any advice on what to do in such a situation? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 09/02/10
when my friend and I were walking on the trek, he walked ahead of me. Could this be because he was leading me through the bushes? How should I ask him if we go again? Also, when we do go out, I usually meet him at a location then we go out to dinner in one vehicle. He never offers to pick me up at my house. What do you think the reason is? Thank you so much for your quick precise answers. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 09/01/10
Recently I met with a friend of mine that I have been seeing periodically. We were going to go on a trek but first stopped for a coffee. He went in his vehicle and I met him there. I was a few minutes late. He went ahead and ordered his coffee and a sweet. I arrived and I saw him outside with his coffee so I ordered my coffee inside and went outside to him. While ordering my coffee, my gut feeling was that he was being inconsiderate and selfish. Am I being too sensitive? I am wondering if he did this because of a previous time: I met him at a coffee place he was walking in and I had somewhere to go first. So he went ahead inside - I came in a few minutes later. He came from outside to inside and offered to pay for my coffee. I said no that's ok and I took care of my coffee. My gut is still telling me that he should have waited for me and we should have ordered coffee together. Thank you for your response. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 09/01/10
I am hearing constantly, here, about people having strong enough LA that they will ask for the help or support they need. That it is a loving thing to do for oneself. However I balk at that. I went through severe deprivation because of societal discrimination against certain types of disabilities back then. However my mother was energetically very loving, she thrived on giving and was constantly giving. She is so hungry, so eager, to give to me because it makes her feel so good. But because I grew up with severe disabilities, was put in a heavily dependent role within the family, etc., I find that I bristle when they try to help me. My parents tend to give (and also control) but to have great difficulty receiving, especially my mother. I am now working hard to establish my business so I can cut these financial strings. I find it doesn't feel good to be in a dependent role, to receive from them. I wonder if my mother's hungry to give is co-dependent?It fills her up and validates her. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 09/01/10
how can you have a loving relationship with someone who has walls up all the time and is in his wounded self most of the time, It is hard for me to be in my essence when he is always in his wounded self. Im starting to believe that he doesnt love me, I dont believe he ever did, maybe its like you said we have made each other up, I have been on a spiritual journey for quite some time and am very dedicated to it and this is the first time I feel like I have made some head way, I am very empty and sad most of the time being with him I cannot connect with him but at the same time I dont know how to leave am I being a martyr, Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 09/01/10
My boyfriend has been open with me that he enjoys looking at porn sometimes. I as a woman, I dont like it, but I feel it's his business and understand that men are different from women in this way. If it interfered with our sex life in any way, I would then be concerned. Here is the issue... We are in a long distance relationship right now. As a fun way to stay connected, I occasionally email him sexy pictures of me. He LOVES this and I enjoy giving this to him. But the last time I sent one, we were talking about it on the phone and I said " did you notice the scratch on my bottom?, I'm not sure how I got that!" His response was " I saw it, but removed it with photoshop" Let me tell you,the scratch was so small and minor. I am very hurt by this. I feel like an object and now dont trust he values the real me over an image. I feel this says I'm not good enough for him as I am, since he feels the need to "airbrush" me! I'd like your feedback on this. I am very hurt. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 09/01/10
Since doing couples therapy it has come to light that I often don't consider sharing sadness with my husband or asking for emotional support. The therapist said that it sounds like a scary place for me to "need" him. This is indeed a scary place due to the fact that as a child I felt alone with no one available for emotional support. Now I am conflicted about this idea since I've been practicing IB and I don't want to reveal that I need someone's love and support. At the same time this feels like a basic attachment need that is pretty primary. Thoughts? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/31/10
I sent my chronically complaining girlfriend home the other week, feeling proud of her and grateful to God after praying together and her deciding to take herself to a family CD eval even though her alcoholic boyfriend wouldn't go. I had spoken my truth to her during her last visit that I no longer want to hear her complain about her alcoholic boyfriend until she is willing to start taking responsible care for herself, because it makes me feel drained and lonely. I haven't heard from her since she went home and I called her today to say happy birthday. She called back, depressed, negative, draining energy from me. She said she hadn't made it to her appointment for the family CD eval because she was just too depressed and not able to take that much on right now. I sensed that she is still closed, and now feel sad that it probably won't be a good idea to connect with her anymore because of this. I don't know if I should tell her this or not - any thoughts? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/30/10
One more question re. to the message below. Last night aside from judging my husband's behavior as narsisstic, I felt insulted when my husband jokingly offered to have an amen prayer after dinner (just like all people in this country do) and then laughed it off. My WS took it as a sign of disrespect, I also thought he was behaving like a teenager. This morning I told him that his joke gave me a heartache. I made a similiar comment about something else he said during the dinner about local culture. He tried to end the conversation by telling me that he doesn't like my tone of voice and it was giving him sweaty palms. He said that when I speak to him 'like that', not only he doesn't want to talk to me, he doesn't want to live with me. I asked him why. He said I was being a highly negative and toxic person. After IB and crying, I realised I was indeed in control and WS. What else can I learn? Why do I take his behavior so personally? Do you advise me to dialogue with him to reveal th Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/30/10
Thank you for the very useful feedback on my struggles with my mother. As expected, I am being triggered into my WS (who's negative, controlling and needy)by being at home with my parents and brothers. It is mostly about lack of intellectual stimulation and nurturing chats that I enjoy. I know it's my responsibility to seek those out outside of my parents' home during this vacation. Yesterday we were joined for dinner by my husband's travelling cousin and her friends. My husband transformed into a smiling charming entertaining man who was talking non-stop about himself and his work, and joking with guests. I thought he was disrespectful of my family who didn't understand English, and felt extremely annoyed by his boisterousness and narcissism. I talked very little about myself. I am wondering why his lightheartedness and self-centric behavior irritated me so much. Was I caretaking and accommodating my WS-dominated family and restricting part of me that wanted to be careless too? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/30/10
I got critizised unfairly about some work things, it was probably because of some misunderstanding. Anyway, I was feeling very stressed and felt like my hard work wasn't appreciated and decided to tell that I felt the critique was not fair and not creating very good working environment and I didnt feel good. Now I don't know if I was speaking up for myself or just acting out because I felt sad and also hurt. Replying to that email made me feel sort of relieved because usually I don't tell if I feel bad but just try to cope with it and end up feeling resentful. So in a way I feel I did the right thing, I cried a lot (at home, not in front of the other people) so something certainly was released. But on the other hand I don't want to be a difficult co-worker and maybe I should not be that sensitive. I have been crying A LOT lately, is it hard on other people? I feel like something is "coming out" and I'm changing, but I'm not sure if I'm on the right track. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/30/10
I have been struggling with trying to have feelings for my husband, we had a very turbulent relationship there was alot of emotional abuse from him and abandonement by him , I have decided to stay in the marriage because Im very religious the bible is not okay with divorce, and for other reasons, he can look so sad at times and that pulls on my heart, he has changed quite a bit and I feel him trying but I dont feel the same way about him anymore , I look at him with compassion all of those things but I dont feel I can love him the way he needs it, I think its because we have no sex life and I am not interested in one with him, sex is always about him, and I cant, so should I spend the rest of my life like this or should I move on, Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/30/10
I wanted to get your feedback on how to deal with a colleague who attempts to insult me indirectly to make himself feel better by making an accusatory comment and then walk away. My LA was open to the information, but eventually determined that it was one sided, his side.He also starts heated debates, where he really is not open to hearing anyone's response but his own. I have fallen for this a few times, only to find myself in meaningless conversations. He feels the need to one-up me whenever he can. The problem is that I tend to put males like this in high regard, and place them on a pedestal, but now I have to take him down from it, because I'm rather annoyed by his behavior.My question is how to I deal with him and others like him? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/30/10
I'm struggling to fully let go of someone from my past who was extremely unloving towards me. When he makes contact with me, I have a longing for him to get it together and change, but of course that does not happen. As a result, my LA is saddened that he is closed. My question is why am I so desperate to have someone in my life who does not truly love me, as opposed to holding out for someone who will genuinely like me? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/29/10
I just read unless there is extreme emotional abuse what do you consider extreme emotional abuse. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/29/10
my question is why does my husband wait to give me an answer about what we will do for the day, I wait around and then am always disappointed because he shows up late in the afternoon because he works 7 days a week and then he is to tired to do anything,every saturday and sunday this happens, I find myself getting angry because he is not available but at the same time realize that he has to work, do I wait around for him or do I go do my own thing, I wanted to go boating today but he refused to answer me this morning about it, I get upset because its always about when he feels like it, he goes out drinking every saturday night as well so I believe his energy level is just very low when he gets home I have been living like this for a long time and am very lonely . I dont find it very loving to myself to put up with that. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/29/10
I find myself turning down many social events, often with people I'd like to be with, because it seems inevitable that the event involves food. I find when I am just with myself then I eat so well and I consequently feel so good. But as soon as I am around food in these social events it's really hard to avoid eating it all together. Then I find, once I do, it triggers cravings. I went to lunch with a friend yesterday and I even brought my own salad. But after 4-5 suggestions on her part that I try her enchilada I did. I only had a few bites but it's amazing how much it affected me. That evening I was CRAVING sugar and I broke down and had some cookies and it's been downhill since. SO now I find myself wanting to withdraw again. My friend wanted me to do a girls night and now I don't want to go. I hurt people's feelings a lot that way. I initially agree to do something because I want to go, but then because I know it's going to involve food in some way, I change my mind. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/29/10
"committed relationships are built on predictability, dependability, and accessibility, whereas let's face it: sexual attraction is often about spontaneity, unpredictability, mystery, and danger." This is from a "sexpert." I find this threatening. Trying to understand why. I think it's bez I feel like it's at my expense--demeaning me etc. Also wonder if that statement is true when it comes to the Innerbonding kind of lovemaking if I can put it that way. E.g., lovemaking from the soul, not from the wounded self. Does unpredictability, mystery, and danger really have to be involved? I feel like I have to "put on an act" and be unpredictable, mysterious, etc., in order to have great sex. I refuse to pretend to be something I'm not. Comments??? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/28/10
I feel like this question is silly but I'm stuck in self-blame. After 2 yrs. of silent annoyance with my housemate for eating her meals out of my frying pan, I snapped at her and said strongly, "Don't eat out of my pan. You've scratched the bottom with your fork and I like that pan." She looked like she was going to cry and said okay but I felt really bad about saying anything to her even though I've harbored resentment about her lack of attention to housework and eating out of my pan. I realized I was telling myself that her eating out of my pan was no big deal, that I shouldn't make her feel bad and it was shallow of me to care about my pan and that it's not spiritual to care. It's difficult to say anything to my housemate because she always gets so upset and I worry that saying something will have a negative effect on our friendship. I honestly have a belief that God will strike me down and bad things will happen if I'm selfish or have conflict about "meaningless" things. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/28/10
I have had a long pattern of confusing infatuation with love, having sex too early in a relationship, and of course, the inevitable break-up. Only to start the cycle again. Last night I had a very nice date with a kind man, well-spoken, educated, but I am NOT physically attracted to him. I've read you say to give it time if I like him (which I do). I don't know if you can answer this question, but I wonder, am I going to have to choose between the "butterflies" and "rose-colored" feeling of infatuation (which of course, always wears off sooner or later), and "true love"(which is more enduring and ultimately more satisfying?) Is it possible to have both, at least at the start of the relationship? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/28/10
confused again, Is offering someone advice on how to be for example my sister can be very hostile to her husband at times and I tell her to stop that is that me trying to control her I also tell her things like what she hates about him is her wounded self reacting. Her biggest complaint is that he never listens to her , if she asks him to not throw a ball and he does it anyway she freaks, calls him an idiot, alot of stuff in front of all of us and it makes everyone very uncomfortable . I would like to know is that her wounded self as a child that was never heard, I really want to help her . Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/28/10
I have come to realize quite a bit about myself doing inner bonding, I had met a guy who I had this deep connection with like I had never experienced before and believed it was because he was my soul mate, I now know that we were both acting from our wounded selves of wanting and needing love to fill each other up so to speak, I almost left my marriage for him but believed I could help my husband and that I should , your right about relationships are here to teach us our lessons, he was abusive and I was the victim I realize now that I was always trying to get him to fill me up and that made me very needy and in turn that made him pull away. I realize now that I have never been loving to myself. I guess my question is now that I am doing inner bonding will I continue to feel less and less connection to him if he stays the same, I have seen a big change in him since I stop pulling on him but we still cant seem to be intimate with each other, I am afraid that he will hurt me again. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/28/10
I'm puzzled because I am feeling jealous, which I haven't experienced much before. The most stupid thing is that it is about the past of my bf. I tried to do IB about it but didnt get very far. I think it is all about me not feeling special. I feel that the intimacy that we have is so very special to me, and although I know it is for him too, I still feel like I could be replaced by someone, because he has experienced love and good sex life before - why not after? Rationally I understand that with people at their 30s it is always so and that it is only a good thing, also for us. I have issues about not feeling special to my mom, but this sexual, or rather, love issue seems even harder. I assume it means that I should do something to make my IC feel very special to me, but how does it work with sexual issues? I'm not worried that I'm not attractive, and I appreciate myself in many ways, but I feel that he could feel the same with someone else too. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/27/10
Your comments on BDSM? (E.g., using a strap or whip to hurt the sexual partner--with the partner's voluntary agreement. I am not thinking of things like light bondage in which one ties up the other person to do delightful things to that person. I'm thinking of hard-core stuff that I don't even want to describe.) My sense is that these people are likely re-acting childhood experiences and trying to gain control over those experiences by having the same things done to them but sexualizing them. I can't see how it's possible for this kind of hard-core thing to be healty. I can't see how emotionally healthy people would want to do that. Light stuff yes. Playful domination yes. But those hard-core stuff that involves pain? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/26/10
I have a dear friend that I have known for a number of years. I like her personally, she is interesting, loves to travel and tries new things. When it comes to her job things are different. She has lost her job three times during the past 4 years and refuses to find out what her contribution in this may be. It is always the others. I saw her tonight and the new temporary job is not challenging enough. She tells her boss that she is bored, but hopes for a fulltime job at the same company. I want to be open and supportive, but find it hard to listen to those endless 'job problem stories'. I tried to only listen, but I am fed up of those stories. They pull me down and I provide her with advice as a way to stop her negativity I guess. How can I deal with the situation in the way that helps me and helps her? I do not want to move away from her, but do not know what else to do. Thank you for your advice. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/26/10
I seem to be on a life long journey to learn how one has "intimate" relationships, and when one speaks ones pain or "stuff" and when one keeps it to oneself. Last night, at 11:30 I heard the cell phone of my boyfriend, asleep next to me on our date night. I woke him up and he said it was a text from a woman friend of his who calls for advice constantly. She's not in "our" social life, just his. I have found reason to think she sabotaged our relationship (i.e. by suggesting he go on Match when he was feeling uncomfortable with me last year). Last night I found myself resenting her intrusion, especially so late at night. I know some of my resentment is my own insecurity about my "man" having "other" women who get his attention-a very old, little girl feeling. I'm not sure when or how to express my feelings, or whether to express them AT ALL? He can easily feel pressured and controlled because of his own stuff. And I often talk more than necessary, to feel "close." Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/26/10
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A Testimonial

"I wanted to wait for a week after I finished the intensive to write this as I wanted to reflect on my experience and not just write while in the 'glow' of the moment. Happily, that 'glow' has continued to be with me. At the intensive I faced some very core issues that were blocking my personal and spiritual growth. The love, support, and help from Margie, Nancy, Kelly and the whole group allowed me to access these issues and develop the tools with which to resolve them. I am so grateful for the experience. Although I know I still have a lot of work to do, the Inner Bonding Intensive has made a profound difference in my life. I cherish the new friends I found there, including myself. When I read the testimonials on the web prior to attending, I thought they were perhaps a little exaggerated. I was wrong - there really is no way to express with words how incredible the experience was. A big smile and a huge hug might be a start." Los Angeles, Feb. 2000

Susan Connor,Vet
Monroe,Washington
(425) 778-6363