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747 QUESTION(S)
Question
I was having a discussion with my bff...and she says she loves to give her all in relationships and that she loves deep and hard. She feels bad when she leaves a relationship cuz she 'gives her all and they are sad when she's gone' (which usually happens) I said 'u shouldn't have to lose yourself to make another happy.' she said 'I'm not losing myself...this is apart of who I am...I give 110% in a relationship. I'm not like other girls.' Now I'm confused. what is your concept of loving hard and deeply and giving ones all? would you have to lose yourself in the process? My friend may be right in her ways but something about it just doesn't feel right to me...
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 07/02/09
I have started to realise I have a huge grief over not having had a relationship with my father (he left when I was tiny, never tried to get in touch and died before I ever wanted to find him). I feel a great longing when I see fathers with their children, and a man I know mentioned how much his daughters idolise him the other day and I almost broke down at his words. I feel so sad and a bit hopeless because of course I can't make the past different. I try to imagine how I could bring that feeling of having a father's love to myself now, but I don't know how and can't imagine it would be enough. I don't know how to deal with this - what do you suggest?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 07/01/09
Hi, I read your advice just now regarding control and resistance. I can see the logic of this, and how it works in a relationship. I am married to a man who is in my opinion quite needy, always making me responsible for his feelings and saying that he is always willing to be very loving to me, but that I am resisting him and so it is all my fault. The trouble is that instead of making me feel loved by accepting me as I am he blames my personality for our problems. He says he is fine, that he loves me but that I am at fault by not responding to him when he thinks I should. He is often angry, offended, blaming and resentful. So my question is, how do you know which is your own part of the problem, and if you are with a man who constantly blames you for causing his feelings what can you do? How do you know whether he is right about you or not? I sense I would be happier with someone who was more tolerant and accepting - and it is exhausting constantly asking myself if it is my fault.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 07/01/09
It seems that IB teaches us to be responsible for our own feelings and not rely on others. However, I am wondering if and when it is reasonable to rely on someone else? Or to ask for something from someone else? Affection? Attention? Help around the house? ;) Thanks!
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 07/01/09
I have another question. Why is it that if my partner and I have to talk about something like a task or 'something that effects us both' we can have a mature conversation..quite openly....but when we have to talk about our feelings...we have a hard time...its almost like 2 separate people communicating.. how can we be so good at one thing and not another? in a matter of minutes.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/30/09
Hi there, I am in new relationship where I am learning what I have read. I have realized a few things about myself. Where I am excellent at communicating to work colleagues and friends - now I lock up - and nothing is coming out with my new partner. And I am openly talking about the fact that I need practice at this. But I just can't speak - its like I want to talk about my feelings but I choke..Am I not ready, and then I joke (you think i could talk about my feelings) I just shut down. Why is this happening? I am aware this is happening - but I am stunned. Does more time need to go by. How does time play into our growth - how can people just say I love you - when it doesn't mean anything until you get to know someone? Also - I keep saying to myself I am getting better - I can learn, I am practicing. I have grown so much professionally- and I can grow personally too in love. Can you recommend articles or books that can help me practice being a loving adult. thank you.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/30/09
When my partner or someone else is angry, shaming or withdrawing from me and I react in the same manner toward them because of this - what is happening? Am I abandoning my IC because I am allowing that individual's behavior to negatively impact me? How can I change this reactive pattern of behavior? Its not loving to me or them to be so reactive. It just perpetuates the situation.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/28/09
I started saying "This doesn't feel good" without accusing other people when I feel blamed or attacked. It works well for me. However I find that sometimes, people suddenly have this suffering expression on their faces, or feel guilty, or a range of negative emotions, as a result of their no longer being able to focus on my behaviours or words or whatever. This is surprisingly difficult for me, as I do not intend them any harm--well, not anymore. I just want to protect myself (and I said as so to one person last night: "I'm just trying to protect myself, I need to take care of myself," and he felt terrible afterwards for a while. How do I handle this emotionally and energetically? Just not take responsibility for their feelings, but continue to focus on taking care of myself, right? what else?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/28/09
I asked before a question while I was visiting a friend of mine who acted like he didn't know me. The week went on, I tried to take care of myself and not see or talk to him much. When I got home, he had sent me an email saying he is sorry that things didn't go so well. I felt it meant nothing and that he only wanted me to like him in spite of everything, so I said I don't want to talk with him. He got angry, and after a few mails he is now blaming me of not having been respectful of him, having had a bad attitude and not making an effort to save the friendship. He is trying to explain all the relationships and lies he has told me, but I don't feel he cares about me but only wants to explain and wants me to understand him. I told him that I am not discussing with him because it doesn't feel good to me. First I felt great, but now I start feeling guilty and think that maybe it's all my fault and maybe I am not being caring but judgmental of him. Any suggestions how to deal with this?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/28/09
I have a group of friends that I enjoy hanging out with. They're drama geeks...every time we go out we have a blast! we make funny home videos, we laugh, we act, we sing and dance, and go on the craziest adventures.:) problem is...sometimes i feel so left out. I have had 3 recurring dreams of them rejecting me. I feel like if I was just open, they wouldn't ignore me and would actually really like who i am and always wanna be around me. I don't wanna lose them, but I feel like they're getting bored with me and they may be moving on. I don't know if I'll ever meet a bunch of crazy free spirits like these...please help. Thank you!
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/27/09
My WS and I are struggling this morning with resentment. I just learned that my mother, with whom I have a very difficult relationship, has gone and purchased a burial plot for herself and her husband that is right where my sister and I and our husbands are to be buried when the time comes. My mom is an extremely wounded, "closed", desperate person who abandoned us when we were children and left us in care of an abuser and child molester. I am practicing IB and know I must be in my WS today, for I feel violated and angry and like I won't be able to get free of her even in death, although I know that is silly and not true. She always manages to have her way and will while others bend and accept and pity her. She refuses to speak honestly about anything of substance and will go right to the next subject in conversation, completely ignoring any of my attempts to open up and really talk and listen. I often feel rancor toward her, like today, and want to let go of it and be loving. How?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/27/09
What causes people to become emotionally entangled with one another. Why is it difficult to leave an emotionally draining relationship?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/26/09
I went out to take the trash to the sidewalk this morning and right at that time my neighbor drove up the street and another neighbor pulled out of her driveway. No one said hi to me. No one waved. I fear the neighborhood has shunned me due to my recent divorce. My X husband has been very angry since I hired a lawyer and for a few weeks he would yell at me when he came to pick up the kids. One time he stood in my front door and to shout at me. I told him to leave my house and then I went upstairs and curled up on the couch and plugged my ears until he left but he was there for a long time just yelling into the house. I'm sure all the neighbors heard. I am in so much pain right now because it's so sad that my neighbors are no longer friendly. Is this simply grief or is it something I am telling myself?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/25/09
"You are responsible for your energy, but not for theirs."

But my energy influences theirs, and their energy influences my energy!


Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/24/09
My grandson is visiting our home from the city with hopes of spending time with his cousins. We have called several times to invite them over with no response or an excuse why it will not happen. My grandson feels that his aunt does not want her children to play with him. He is an only child and he loves his cousins. I feel sad that this happens whenever he comes and it makes him sad. He is a very kind and loving child. I am wondering if we should mention this to my son who I am sure is aware but will not make waves. We are not going to change my daughter-in-laws behavior but I would like to help my grandson through this feeling of rejection which he experiences when he comes to visit. My 2 grandchildren that live in the same town have not been allowed to spend the night at my house and they are 10 and 8 years old. It is a very sad situation but I have adjusted....but my daughter's son is hurt every time they come for a visit. She never seems to be able to make time for him.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/24/09
One more (related) question. Sometimes I'm busy learning how to love my IC unconditionally, pampering her, paying attention to her, etc., and then I, for example, go into a grocery store and get strong reactions from others--negative reactions because I'm loving to myself but haven't as yet shifted to being loving to others, to being emotionally sensitive and responsive to others.

I remember a recent encounter last week where I am busy trying to learn to love myself, learning to take care of myself in the midst of a crowd, and the waitress changed her friendly attitude and got mad at me and snapped at me and thought I was too big for my britches.

That's why I'm really confused about what my energetic responsibility for them is. I have great difficulty in feeling loving consistently, which means I have difficulty loving others consistently too, resulting in all this.

Makes me scared to go out!! Because of other people's reactions! Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/24/09
Thank you for responding to my last question about feeling responsible for other people's reactions to me being a form of control. I hadn't realized this, but when I think about it, yes, that makes sense!

New, related question: What am I energetically responsible for, in my relationships with other people? Because I do know that the better I feel about myself, the better relationships I have, and so I feel I am to blamed when I don't have good relationships.


Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/24/09
I am finding my IC, finally, and people are sensing the changes in me--and responding to me more positively. They seem to draw upon my positive energy and to feel better.

I then feel so deeply responsible for their happiness and their positive reactions to me that it weighs heavily on me, and then out of fear of their changing their positive responses, I self-sabotage somehow and relapse into old self-esteem patterns, and they then reject me again, or react badly to me.

What can I do to get myself to understand that it's not personal and that I don't have to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders?

It is difficult for me, right now, to be open and trusting when I know that they will reject me if I lose my self esteem again. Yet at the same time I can't believe they actually like me.

And all these responses happens without a single word being exchanged sometimes ... it's all energetic.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/24/09
My husband triggered one of my buttons that has to do with feeling controlled, discounted and my sense of self being violated. Boundaries were crossed and the next thing I knew, I was VERY ANGRY. After a very long discussion, I realized that it wasn't was happening in the now but that damn history button. When I get angry his history button gets pushed which is about being fearful of angry women. We both recognized the need to quit taking it personally, but it seems so difficult in the heat of the moment. Any suggestions about calming down after the storm.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/23/09
Why is it that some of us had a terrible childhood but were able to pick loving partners and have a successful primary relationship, while others of us had a decent childhood but struggle within our primary relationship ?? While my childhood was not ideal it was not completely awful by any stretch of the imagination. Yet I seem to struggle more with my primary relationship then some of my IB friends that experienced horrific childhoods. Just curious..........
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/23/09
Hi. I normally find the Daily Inspiration to be very inspiring and helpful, but today's message about energy and intent leaves me feeling that it's not quite the whole truth. The reason being that I'm a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) and I find being in certain environments and around certain people very draining. Your inspiration suggests to me that this is a failure of intent to learn, since if I was in intent to learn my energy would be light in such circumstances and I would no longer be an HSP. Yet I feel sure I read on IB that being an HSP is an essence quality. I'm confused!
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/22/09
Another question on the issue of making new friends, how much do I share when I am with people, especially since as a rule of thumb, most people I am spending time with now are people I am just getting to know. My past history is to share pretty much anything. But I am not sure I feel good about everything I shared tonight. But I have a very difficult time guaging if what I shared was too personal?? How much information do I give away about myself? Should I just be honest and let people think what they want? Or is it a loving action to protect more personal information until you feel like you trust a person?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/22/09
I am recently divorced and I am no longer spending time with the community of friends I had before. I am in the process of making new friends. As a consequence I have been really open to a variety of different invitations to spend time with people (women - I am not dating yet). I have a friend who is staying with me short term and I have enjoyed being with her. I feel like I am safe to let my essence shine when I am with her and I enjoy the stories of her life. In contrast I spent time with a woman tonight and several times during the evening I kept thinking that I was surprised she was so immature and I wanted to go home. I had it in my mind that she was someone I wanted to be friends with. She has many qualities I like and admire but I can't quite put my finger on what happened. I am not sure, I guess, what I want in a friend. What do you suggest I look for in people I spend time with?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/22/09
When faced with conflict, how do you recommend I handle the situation when a third party (their spouse) jumps into the discussion. For example, saying to my daughter "It's not ok for you to offend me like that and I want you to stop it", is enough to warrant her husbands interference. It's next to impossible to work on any areas of conflict between us when he plays judge and jury. He's an attorney and very quick witted. In the past my course of action has been to set my boundary by leaving. That doesn't allow for my daughter and I work on unresolved issues. Given I'm planning on seeing her in August, I need some words of wisdom when faced with a situation such as I described.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/21/09
I recently left my husband which was a scary thing to do and it seems my life has been continuously opening up as I listen to my guidance and blessings are pouring in. But I occasionally feel totally overcome by guilt. I felt that way today and called up my x-husband to have dinner. I went with the idea that maybe I would feel better if I gave him one more chance. It didn't go well at all. I left feeling like I must be the most horrible person. He told me that our whole church and all of our old friends have rallied around him. I felt really upset about it and later asked my guidance about it. The answer I got was that in time people will see the truth. His bad mouthing reflects more on him than on me. But is this true?? What I usually tell myself is that is doesn't matter what people think I can't control that. But the answer this time seems that it does matter.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/20/09
I am confused about my best (or maybe not best) female friend of 15 years: 5 years ago I met my husband + 4 years ago my friend had her 1st bout with cancer. I made a huge effort to spend lots of time with her, but we have ended up seeing each other less (besides spending time with my husband, I work and my friend has since retired and is still single) For 2 years, she has actively excluded me more and more from her life by rejecting my frequent suggestions of activities together. Under normal circumstances, I would sadly accept that it was a friendship for a reason or season. However, now she's had her 3rd bout of cancer and I don't want to abandon her during this difficult time. I feel rejected and hurt, wanting to distance myself from this unhealthy situation. At the same time I feel if I do that, I abandon her during her fight with cancer and I have an obligation to continue on. Do gravely sick people get different rules?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/20/09
I am pregnant and my husband is having a midlife crisis, not sure if he wants to be married. I know you have said that, sometimes, if one person does the IB process that can save a relationship. I am working hard to work through the process and my husband says that he is willing to do it as well (though I have not yet seen much on his end yet). I am worried that, after going through the process myself, whether he does the work or not, so much damage will have been caused to our relationship in the interim, that it will be irreparable. Will we be able to rebuild the trust that has been broken? It seems that the wall between us gets higher every day.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/19/09
What is the difference between being interdependent upon each other and being dependent upon each other? Why is it good to be interdependent in a relationship?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/19/09
I am trying to focus my energy on taking care of myself and my ic and keeping them off my husband's plate especially in regards to whether I will leave the relationship or not. My question is this how do I take care of myself in the face of my husband's behavior, which includes pulling on me at night for hugs affection and sex and when I decline questioning me about whether I am seeing someone else or his questioning as to what the status of our relationship is. Mary
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/19/09
My partner of 16 years left our household 15 months ago one day without warning. Today he is sorry for his hasty reactions and would like to resume our relationship. He expressed a desire to watch together some process on "Love and Respect" lead by a minister. The whole process is probably 10 hours long. I believe it is a good process even though not deep enough for me. I am happy for my ex-partner that he found something that speaks to him. The problem is that I do not have any desire to watch it with him. I watched one part and I am willing to watch the whole series alone to learn what speaks to him. My ex-partner told me that he didn't feel respected at times by me. I believe that deep down he doesn't respect himself at times and when in the past he made incorrect assumptions about what I meant he got hurt and blamed me for not expressing enough approval and appreciation of him. I would like to be open to learn with him but don't want to start the cycle of being blamed.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/16/09
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