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667 QUESTION(S)
Question
Thanks for your advice to my prior question. In follow-up to this, it is normal for the feelings of the IC to fluctuate so rapidly in response to the WS, and also - to feel that everything is fine, only to realize through some behavior (eating junk food) that there continues to be anxiety?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 07/02/09
As I am making progress in my life in various ways, most notably finding a way to slowly get my home clean and organized, I find that my IC is feeling many different emotions, and that they change rapidly...e.g., from fear that things are changing too fast; the feeling that I do not deserve to have good things (i.e., a clean house); and anxiety over all the things that STILL need to be done, and that I need everything to be perfectly in place before I relax. Sometimes, I notice that my IC's feelings are shifting. Other times, I am not conscious of it, and then end up eating junk food, and only then realize there were these feelings. Is it normal for the feelings of the IC to be changing so rapidly, back and forth from so many different emotions - in a short period of time - as I move forward? Any suggestions on how to handle it, other than to keep dialoguing with the different aspects of my IC/WS? Thanks!
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 07/02/09
I am confused about how to define my inner personalities. I define my Wounded Self as the ego and I define my Inner Child as the part who feels abandoned by me because of the program the ego / wounded self is running. My Inner Child is also the one who wants to play and tell me about how I've been abandoning her. My ego tells me how worthless I am and how I need to be "perfect" to have complete approval from others to avoid rejection and pain and to remain "safe". But in one of the responses given to a question about the wounded self, it was advised that the wounded self is the inner child. Now I am confused here. Is my Inner Child the "wounded self, ego, and innerchild" all rolled into one? My IC tells me that I am abandoning her when I look outside myself for approval. That she only wants approval from me. It does not seem like my IC is trying to go outside of myself for that approval, but that my Wounded Self / Ego is terribly set on running the show.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/29/09
the daily inspiration did not sit well with me today at all. I am the type of person who does not like to be limited to anything and to say that I have limits..feels like "I can't be this or that...but hey just learn to live with it and accept it." I may not know my true core self, but I always sit and think of how I would want to be like and I feel better. to know now that I could be limited and whatever I usually dream of about my essence may not even be real or really happen because of my limitations...doesn't feel right...
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/27/09
Can you give specific examples on steps I can take to make my ic feel safe and loved and steps I can take to develop consistently available loving adult within myself?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/26/09
This is in follow-up to an earlier question. When my IC voiced that she was angry at me for not taking care of her, I have felt guilty and bad that I have not been able to take better care of her. I feel that I "should" be able to address all of her concerns right away - so that she can feel safe. I assume there must be an intermediate step whereby I do not need to successfully address all her concerns IMMEDIATELY, but can build trust by listening and slowly moving in the right direction (e.g., wanting healthy food, a clean apartment, etc). OR, would my IC expect to be able to make these changes all at once? Thanks!
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/25/09
Inner Bonding has taught me so much about myself and my codependent personality. I have learned not to depend on others for my happiness and to love myself. This is an on going learning process but I do have much peace and joy now. My question concerns my children and what it has done to them. We have 4 children, three of whom have grown to lead independent lives. The question concerns the oldest who is BP, social phobic, and on disability due to these problems. I know part of it is genetic and the other part is our parenting;he is the oldest. We have enabled him due to a learning disability and my personal feeling of "I need to help him". Can you give me some words of advice about letting go of the need to know more and feeling sad about his life. I guess I don't want to feel guilty but realize what part we played. How does the false belief affect my thinking in this area? What it is telling me that continues to keeps me caught up in this?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/25/09
After continuing to experience significant feelings of anger and distrust toward others, my IC started expressing lots of anger toward me last night, for not taking care of her or protecting her like she needs. I feel that I am doing the best I can, and that I am moving forward in these areas as quickly as possible, but am not there yet. I understand why my IC would feel angry and not protected. Any specific suggestions for dealing with the anger that has been coming up from my IC?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/25/09
After feeling considerable distrust and betrayal towards people I used to feel connected to, I am starting to feel some of the helplessness you have spoken about...that I can NOT do anything to control what they do... Any suggestions for how to help deal with this helplessness other than to work through it and feel it? (It feels very painful) Also,any suggestions for working through deep issues of distrust that I am uncovering (other than to develop feelings of trust within myself)?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/20/09
I'm a little confused with the concept of the loving adult...isn't it suppose to 'protect' the inner child? Or is that simply for the wounded part of us? What's the difference?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/19/09
I have two very good friends at work. Lets call them X and Y. Some days back, I introduced my boyfriend to them, and they really like him. So we all hang out together sometimes. But sometimes I notice that, when they need small things they tend to call him and not me. Somehow this makes me feel sad. I feel that I should the person that they call instead of him. But I also feel that this is a reflection of some wounded part in me. I need your advice. Thanks a lot.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/18/09
In a work situation, is it appropriate to ask people to stop gossiping as it is counterproductive to a positive working environment? Is there a way to do it without it being controlling? My sense is there is a lot of gossip going on, and I want to 1) continue to work on the feelings it stirs up in me, and comfort my WS; 2) take action if appropriate to ask people to stop.
Read the answer by Dr. Erika - 06/17/09
When do you feel it is appropriate to apologize for hurting someone? If we do not cause someone else's hurt feelings and that their hurt has to to do with what they are telling themselves, it doesn't seem necessary to apologize in that case. What about apologizing instead for harsh words or unloving behavior if we feel that we were responsible for behaving that way?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/16/09
I've noticed that sometimes I fall into a pattern of not returning friend's phone calls. I just don't feel like talking to them. I'm not upset with them or anything, I just feel this need to be alone I guess. By the time I do return their calls, I feel kind of guilty and feel the need to explain why I didn't call them back sooner. I'm not sure the best way to handle this. I'm not sure if I am avoiding closeness/contact or if the timing just isn't right for me. I don't want to lose friendships.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/15/09
Could you please explain to me the IB approach to working with phobias? Most experts seem to agree that people must face their fears or the phobia will get worse. However, when my IC is terrified, I feel powerless to comfort her. Nothing I say or do seems to comfort her. My IC simply wants to avoid the situation that makes her feel terrified. Should I expose my IC to the phobic situation even though IC is completely unwilling? Will that make her less afraid next time, or will it just traumatize her even more so that IC gets even more resistant and terrified and deepens the phobia? When it comes to phobias, my IC does not want to hear anything other than that I will avoided the feared situation, but I am afraid that my avoidance will makes things increasingly worse for me.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/15/09
I am still having trouble soothing my IC from being upset over negotiating decisions at work, and having other people ignore my emails, and visibly making faces/or checking with each other before stating their decision. Seeing that drives me crazy! I know that my WS must be telling myself that I am responsible in some way for their behavior, perhaps b/c I am bad, and I must somehow fix it, but am having trouble soothing my WS and IC.....although definitely I am handling it better than I would have been in the past.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/14/09
I said to my wife 'Yes' when I really wanted to say 'No' for something she wanted from me. I can thus find I am not loving myself. But I could not feel any anger. Is it because my feelings are buried and I am not willing to feel the pain? I really find stuck up. All I know is to accept myself.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/12/09
Sometimes I have a hard time during the IB process with switching roles so to speak from my WS and my LA. Sometimes I get stuck in my WS and have a hard time opening and connecting to Guidance. Should I just wait until a later time or is there some kind of technique or words I could use to find my LA?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/10/09

"There is a range, with many people having narcissistic characteristics and far less having NPD. Even within NPD, there is a range. We all have some narcissism, and it's just important to understand it in ourselves and others."

Ok, I guess I'm confused because there is so much talk here about people with NPD, and you talk so much about NPD, it sounds like people with NPD takes up maybe 25% or 40% of the population maybe, yet people with NPD make up only up to 1% of the general population according to the stat I gave you.

Can you clear this up? I seem to not be quite grasping what's going on. Is it that people who have loved ones with NPD tend to show up in places like this website to try to manage the challenge of interacting with people with NPD? Therefore there's naturally more discussion of NPD? Or more than 1% of the population has NPD, it's more like 15% or 20%????
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/09/09

I am feeling stuck but don't feel unwilling to learn with Spirit, I don't think...I've been practicing IB for a year and a half and have recently begun to feel like I'm in a new level of recovery following a clinical depression that almost killed me; I found IB when I was in the hospital, thank God! I still feel, though, that perhaps I'm trying to be my Loving Adult from my Wounded Self right now. Just as I have begun to be better, my sugar addiction and my resistance to my husband's needs are kicking my butt, so to speak. I am fearful and anxious about some things, including spouse's serious health problems and a new part-time job I have after not working for 2.5 years. Dr. Margaret advised me long ago that at times when we begin to heal, WS comes on very strong to keep control. This is happening, I think, and maybe I can't get to Spirit for the Truth...WS tells me I'm damaged and kidding myself about being free of depression, that it will come for me and kill me. Suggestions?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/09/09

It sounds like NPD is pretty rare, only 0.5% to 1% of the general population.

"According to the DSM IV-TR, between 2% and 16% of the population in clinical settings (between 0.5-1% of the general population) are diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Most narcissists (50-75%, according to the DSM-IV-TR) are men."

I am confused as to how often NDP is mentioned here, is it more common than previously thought?

or is there a range of NDP from mild to severe, and you're including all cases?


Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/09/09
Hi, This is a follow-up to a question I posted earlier about interrupting others. I do not tend to go on and on, and am typically more a caretaker, listening to others, and encouraging them. At certain times, I am probably hyper aware of who is paying attention, and would not want to continue if others are not responding. I think that two things may be going on: 1) the people who interrupt are usually ones whose intent is to control the conversation; 2) I could speak with authority whether or not others appear to be listening, b/c my reticence at times to "take the floor" in terms of speaking could potentially lend itself to more interrupting.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/09/09
The WS has no way of directly connecting to Spirit, is that correct? It just occurred to me that must be why so many of my addictions and behaviors are such strong compulsions. It is because my WS is lacking that wisdom from Spirit, and she is trying REALLY hard to "get love." The WS has the false belief that the best feelings come from "getting love," so that is her "really good reason" for doing all these dysfunctional activities. Am I on the right track here?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/08/09
I am feeling frustration over having people interrupt me, and have been trying different strategies for dealing with this. I am getting less sensitive to the interruptions, sometimes letting it go, and other times, letting people know that I am not finished with my thought. Sometimes this has worked out well; other times, people have become offended or angry when I have attempted to address it. What would you suggest in terms of dealing with this?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/08/09
I had a small space in my house painted in preparation for a business that I own. The paint job cost a little more than $200. I decided to have it done professionally as it was for my business. My husband became very upset that I did not talk to him before hiring the painter. Because the amount of money to do the paint was minimal I did not consult him (plus it is my business). When my husband began interrogating me about the paint job I explained that I could not talk to him when he was behaving that way. He told me that I was being controlling. I told him that when he really wanted to understand why I had the room painted then we could talk. He continued to pursue the conversation after I asked him to stop so I decided to leave the house. When I got home he continued to be angry slamming objects and swearing under his breath. Could you please help me understand if I have handled this situation well? I do not want to consult my husband for every small business decision. Thanks
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/06/09
In addition to my last question, once I feel good and open, I immediately want to share it with another person. I ask myself, "Why do I want to give it away so quickly?" At the same time, isn't it positive to want to share these good feelings? Often times what happens is that I feel good, then I remember that I don't really feel like I have other people to share it with or that there are other barriers there and the feeling sort of dissipates. What is this about? Is it normal to always want to share it or is it good just to cultivate this feeling? For how long? Is there some sort of "critical mass" at which it begins to flow more consistently and THEN it is time to share? How does a person know when this time is?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/05/09
Through practicing IB, more often I stop when I am feeling anxious or stressed and try to bring in love and open up with gratitude. This has felt very good and has helped with stress reduction, but at the same time, once I start feeling good, I become distracted from the task at hand. I want to continue staying open, but find that I can't stay on task for very long and keep an open heart at the same time. Am I doing something else besides opening my heart? Is there a difference between just "feeling good" and being grateful/connected/open hearted?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/05/09
Sometimes when I find myself resistant to practicing IB, I look at the picture of me as a child and I think, "Who wants to learn about her? There can't be much there." She seems like a burden. Uninteresting. Is this because I am seeing her through my WS instead of my Guidance? Is there anything I can/should do, other than continuing my IB practice, getting to know my IC, and learning about her?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/03/09
I am new to the IB. It has become clear that I have some issues to contend with, and while I am committed to the process and am doing what I can, I find that I have a really hard time getting out of my head and into my WC. I 'know' what painful feelings are there and what causes them, but I struggle actually feeling the feelings. Any suggestions for breaking through that? Thanks!
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 05/31/09
Thanks to IB I've been feeling happier in my relations with the people I care about in my life. I've been able to both feel and express my love for them more freely and I'm more comfortable about staying in my own truth. But I'm not making progress in my way of taking care of myself in managing my time. I keep undercutting what is in my highest good because I have trouble seeing my priority for that moment and then sticking to it. In my IB process I have uncovered that I easily go into overwhelm and freeze up. Then I make poor decisions for which I hate myself. When I try to do the IB process it is hard for me to find the love and compassion from Guidance and in the few minutes I have before needing to make my next decision I realize too late that my LA hasn't stepped in. Sometimes I can experience a state of flow and clarity but mostly I'm having difficulties. I'm hoping you might be able to suggest something that might help me have better success with my IB. Thank you.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 05/31/09
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