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803 QUESTION(S)
Question
During the dialouge part of IB, step 3, sometimes I have a hard time identifying the false beliefs. I'll ask what am I believing that is causing this feeling? Sometimes I will discover something and sometimes not. Do you have any other questions or suggestions on how to identify the false beliefs? Thanks
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 03/12/10
I find I'm a little troubled by what seems to be the view in IB that opening to Guidance, in whatever form it comes, is automatically something in the highest good for the individual. I have always heard that one should be discriminating in what one opens up to and that there can be risks in opening to other realms and energy forces without guidance. It seems a very big assumption that every possible spiritual force or entity that we would encounter is acting in our highest good and is our wise teacher, as we know that isn't true on this plane. Can you comment?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 03/01/10
As I move deeper into a loving connection with IC, I find myself increasingly withdrawing from social life. I have always found social life to be stressful, but I have usually forced myself to engage in gatherings and volunteer activities anyway in order to be responsible and to not hurt people's feelings. On the other had, my heart feels wide open to my husband and son with whom I have deeply trusting relationships. When people in the past have asked about closing oneself off to other people, you have consistently advised that a loving connection to other people is the true end. I am finding that my loving connection is deepening for two people and closing off to everybody else. Ideally, it would be wonderful to feel loving to everyone, but in reality, I find myself uninterested in anyone other than my family. I guess that I feel that I need to start with relationships that are honestly loving and hopefully grow outward from there. Am I moving in the right direction?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/21/10
Hi Can you please list all the terms that are used here with a brief description...so as I can be clear along with others :) thanks! ie...WS wounded self ....(explanation)how to determine is what is "showing" IC.....Inner Child (explanation) Core pain ...... etc
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/20/10
I'm trying to get the most out of belonging to the IB community. I've read a couple of books, practiced IB a few times with a facilitator, tried it a little by myself, watched videos, joined in a couple of webcasts. What would be most valuable to grow in understanding of IB? Is it too soon to attend a workshop? Would I be lost/overwhelmed? What's the best way for a beginner to get and give value in the community?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/17/10
For Valentines Day my husband gave me an orchid in a vase. I know that the flower and vase cost a lot of money because of the florist that it came from. I do not like it !! The florist is often willing to exchange bouquets. I would much rather enjoy a less modern arrangement (my husband often picks arrangements that he thinks will last as he sees bouquets as a waste of money..I love fresh flowers and have mentioned this repeatedly to him). Is is horribly insensitive for me to call the florist and see if they would replace the gift with something that I prefer (my guidance says no)?? He tried but.............
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/15/10
Hi margaret: Your call last night was fabulous!!! it cleared up so many things in my mind about Inner Bonding - is it possible to do them more often? i think not only will people find them helpful but because you are teaching lots of people things they may have questions about it may cut down on all the questions you have to respond to on a daily basis. Just my 2 cents. Richard
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/11/10
Hello. I am working and bonding quite a bit. I am getting to recognize and feel the shift from being in my WS vs Core/loving place. I am still most of the time in my WS, but i keep working. My Q1: how can I strengthn my presence in my Core self? are there special meditations, affirmations you can suggest? -or just practice IB and it will naturally happen? - I notice that IB is a great method to process the WS, any suggestions to strengthen being present in core/loving adult? - i sense like a need for a boost to promote more positivity/ or a way to practice more positive thoughts..strengthen the love muscle- Q.2 is feeling vulnerable ..like open and there..but vulnerable..like things can go good bad..I don 't know...I'm here moment by moment...a bit uncertain...where does this feeling belong to? ..it does not feel WS, but not totally ' in love' either...suggestions on how to deal? Can I get to a point of being here open with a bit more certainty, security? Thank you! Love the Learning.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/10/10
Hi there. After over two years of inner bonding..I think I finally have caught my self..and understand what abandoning myself is and what loneliness is. I think many articles are written about fears..but I am learning..that is all about your thoughts more than actions..My thoughts cause self abandonment about fears I have...which causes the 'needy feeling' and the loneliness I feel... is linked to my spending addiction..or random shopping.. I wanted to share this discovery. I think even though we talk about abandonment and loneliness we don't understand what they mean as easily as 'anger, sadness'..
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/05/10
I have two questions in response to the recent article entitled "Wounded Self/Core Self" (http://www.innerbonding.com/show-article/2439/wounded-self-and-core-self.html). First, is it possible for a situation/scenario to be painful for the wounded self and the core self at the same time? And the second question, is it the LA who is attending to the needs of both the wounded self and the core self? Thank you!!!
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/05/10
I have been doing innerbonding for about 2 years and find it helpful. I also believe, however, that your "head" can provide you with important information and act as a "loving adult" for you when evaluating the situation and deciding on the loving action. I also believe in "conscious dating", i.e. certain traits/behaviors/values in a life partner that if, they are not there, the relationship will not work. These non-negotiables are different for everyone. This seems to be almost a "judgment" of others, although I try to make it clear that it is "my value" and does not mean the other person is less than when I say no to someone. Any suggestions on how to think about/reconcile this in the innerbonding philosophy/beliefs in dating?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/03/10
I am wondering if this is the best time to do inner bonding. I am feeling 'off'...I can't put my finger on it, what it is I am feeling. I am also feeling a bit 'needy' like I want affection from my partner..who I just saw earlier today. So I don't understand this feeling. I know I am taking a step forward as I think this is the first time I am catching myself. Do you find there are que's that people give themselves to know its time to have and IB session?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 01/31/10
Dr. Margaret, you said, " If you open to learning when you experience her being unloving, rather than being unloving yourself, then both of you will learn a lot." What happens with me is that I can't really catch it all the time when I'm experiencing her as being unloving. When I actually do catch it at the time and try to deal with it, I wind up either not making myself clear, such that she thinks we are having a fun time "bantering" with one another, or else I say the wrong thing. Once I made the mistake of calling her "codependent", and this went really badly. Another time, I made the mistake of saying, "Where I come from...(we consider it polite, blah, blah, blah)". This made her feel I was putting her down for being from Poland. She didn't even want to reveal this to me, because she doesn't want to reveal her "hot spots", but when at last I found out, she said she doesn't want to have "to talk about every little thing each time" I feel my sensitivities have been t
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 01/28/10
HI. What do you do about it being so humiliating? Here's what I mean. I'm in a new relationship-- 3 months. I keep wanting to bolt. But I don't, I'm doing the process, and I also have a therapist who is encouraging me to stick with it. What I do is, I'm way over-sensitive, and I misinterpret and distort what my partner says. The upshot is I wind up feeling hurt and damaged. Then I blame her, and want to fire her. She is naturally tired of this. But is willing to hang in there, and even willing to look at herself and listen to my inner bonding CDs with me and she is even trying to be willing to feel her feelings so she can eventually clean up her messy space, which has been messy since her retirement left her with no purpose in life. She is patient with me, but she is from a Slavic country which makes her culturally prone to sounding negative and despairing. Anyway, so I wind up feeling totally humiliated about admitting I've been wrong, and I feel so incompetent and inadequate.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 01/28/10
Since I have been practicing IB, I have noticed that over time much less distress and upset feelings to process. Sometimes in the morning I check in and there aren't any feelings I'm aware of to work with in Step One. And sometimes I sense a sort of numbness or detachment. Everything overall has gotten milder and more subtle. I am wondering if this happens when people practice over time and I'm wondering what this is about and how to work with it.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 01/27/10
What is a wounded teenager? I understand WC, WS, and CS, but what's the deal with a teenager?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 01/25/10
It is an orientating time for me and I am thinking it through this way...eventually my LA will be the me others usually encounter. The WS is being brought home, taken off the streets and cared for by my LA. I also have the joy of being my CS and sharing him as well, but my LA is like a home builder/shelter builder and all my parts can find refuge as my Higher Guidance strengthens me (LA) to become more and more responsible. This feels like emergence of my real identity. Has that been your experience?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 01/25/10
Does the 6th step of IB exist because developing the Loving Adult is learned through trial and error? So, is trial and error the only way the Loving Adult can be developed?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 01/23/10
As I learn IB, I'm noticing that my Wounded Self (who is learning to become a Loving Adult) treats my Wounded Child/Inner Child in a very similar way that my family of origin treated my Core Self when I was very young (before my Core Self also became my Wounded Self and Wounded Child). These traits include having a critical/judgmental heart toward the Wounded Self, being uncaring, not listening, a little arrogant or "poo-poo-ing" toward others, resentful, and avoiding personal responsibility on the inside yet overly responsible on the outside. As my awareness is unveiled, I am also noticing that my Wounded Self (who is learning to become a Loving Adult) has chosen friends who are a little bit like my family of origin, hence a little bit like my Wounded Self (the one who is learning to becoming a Loving Adult to my Wounded Child/Inner Child). Until awareness is on the radar, is this common? If so, does this mean it's likely some of these friends will change as I continue to grow?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 01/23/10
I was at a small gym watching my grandson play basketball. There was a sign saying "No food or drinks in gym." I saw a high school girl with a drink and reported it to the person taking tickets. When no one told her to stop, I could feel the tension in my mind and body and realized my reaction was totally inappropriate with what was happening. I wanted to go tell the girl to read the sign and get rid of her drink. I wanted to set her straight! But I realized I was caught in something that had very little to do with what was happening so I started taking deep breaths and focusing on something else. My IC gets afraid and my WS say, "I want control! I want control!" I know my fight or flight response kicks in at the smallest things and it's due to the trauma I experienced as a child. I'm open to any feedback you have on how to handle similar situations before or as they happen. My IC is excited about coming to next week's Intensive.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 01/20/10
Hello, I read and reread the article by Dr. Margaret on loving yourself first. I answered yes to all the hypothetical questions that were posed within it. My marriage is deeply hurt because of my neediness and the fact I rely on my wife for my happiness. I do connect deeply with the message within the article, but don't know really how to begin. Is it just by starting the process of being in the intent to learn? Any structured guidance here would be appreciated! J
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 01/20/10
At times when I'm consciously choosing to bring in spirit and be compassionate to myself, nurture any hurt inside, I have different images that come to me. I'm finding more often that it feels more powerful NOT to have an actual physical presence on me, such as my hands on my heart, but an inner stroking instead. I'll do whatever seems best at the time and it varies. I'll change it until something feels best and I feel that comfort. I feel fairly sure that trusting this guidance, to do something inwardly is great, if that's what I'm guided to do, but could you comment on the difference between an actual external version of something compared to this feeling of energy inside? I love the feeling of energy inside swirling and healing. It strikes me that doing something outwardly might assist in connecting, but if you have connected you might not need, in a sense, that external version. However, I want to do everything I can to love myself and not shortchange my sweet little child.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 01/20/10
How does the "three steps to anything" process and the inner bonding process connect?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 01/19/10
As I continue to learn about the healing my IC needs for which my LA is learning to take responsibility, I'm realizing that my LA may also need healing. What are your thoughts about this?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 01/19/10
Do you have any articles on being a crisis junkie, or addictions to emotional intensity and urgency? I thought I had come across references to such before, but a search did not turn up anything with any of those terms. Thanks.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 01/17/10
Dr. Margaret and Dr. Erika, I'm still parsing the parts in Inner Bonding. Can you tell me the difference between the Loving Adult (LA) and Guidance? Do they arrive and present themselves with different energies? Thank you.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 01/17/10
Dr M I have found really helpful older threads under articles I have been interested in. Do you regularly check back to see if newer IBers are posting there as well? I actually don't know how you manage to do all you do, but I thought I would ask just to see if that was a method of yours. Thanks Watson
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 01/17/10
Sometimes I find that the core pain and core feelings are mixed in at the same time with the additional suffering and wounded feelings created by the WS. Can you speak to this? Is it important to separate them?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 01/17/10
Can you recommend a CD on meditation that's not too long for beginners? Thanks.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 01/16/10
Would you be familiar with Enneagram, horoscopes or other personality tests/determinants? How do you think that interacts with Inner Bonding? For example, are some people more inclined to wallow in self-pity or other types more inclined to want to control others? I know if everyone were fully in touch with their Loving Adult, they'd be healthy regardless of personality type but knowing the personality type, are there some techniques to make the inner bonding process easier?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 01/12/10
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