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Question
My 22 yr.old son has some severe problems.Long history of stealing,social problems,employment problems.I feel horrible for not modeling loving adult behavior and it is hard to forgive myself.The latest is that he just accepted food stamps,living at home.(gave food stamps to me as rent).At same time,he's stolen things and pawned them.Is the only best solution to give him an ultimatum to move out,to force him to get it that it's his life to live? I'm in denial and don't see how I'm enabling,though intellectually,I know this is true.I can't seem to bring myself to kick him out.What are your thoughts? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/28/09
As I struggle to heal my wounded self and consistently witness how it shows up in my marriage, I find myself wondering the following question. Is is healthier for children to witness a struggling marriage or is it better for children to go through a divorce? My fear is what my children are learning about loving as they watch the struggles of my marriage. I would like to believe that they will not repeat my mistakes but how would they know different ??? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/22/09
We have close friends and we are concerned about what we see happening with their oldest daughter who just finished her freshman year in college. She has been partying heavily since high school (drugs and alcohol) and the parents have a very passive approach. The police recently called them saying that she was found unconscious at a concert 3 states away and was in the hospital. It's like they've given up trying to lay down any consequences and are just crossing their fingers she'll stay alive. They're hoping it's just a phase. She gets good grades so they think that's all they can ask from her. I don't see a good outcome and I want to approach my friend and suggest some ways she could find some support...like Alanon. She told me her Dad is "probably a functioning alcoholic" like her daughter. The younger daughter feels like she doesn't get any parenting either and feels like she is raising herself. What is the best way to offer support? Is there anything we can say to them? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/21/09
My son is 17 years old. he just finish his sophmore year. I want to be respectful of his personality, but it is really interesting to me that he is not interested at all hanging around with girls. He tends to be shy. He has 2 good friends since they were in elementary. He loves sports. plays basketball, likes watching Tv, play cards, play -box, he is very obedient and very kind. It calls my attention too that he doesn't show interest in having more friends to hang around. I want to be tactful on how to approach him without him feeling that I am pushing. I don't want to create expectations based on the media but at the same time I cannot deny that I get concerned..what do you recommend? Thanks Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/19/09
Is it a good idea to talk to children in any way at all about difficulties in the parents' relationship? Due to some recent interactions, there is distance between my husband and me. We are outwardly getting along, but I'm pretty sure my son can feel that there isn't much love flowing between us. My son hasn't been sleeping well and at times is clingy with me. I'm working on changing my behaviour with my husband...trying to become more loving to myself...but I'm not entirely there yet. My sense is that I should not say anything to my son, but just try to stay in compassion for our whole situation, and keep reasonable boundaries for my son, but I wondered what you thought. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/10/09
During dinner a friend wanted to tell me a funny story about his dad and younger brother. He prefaced the story by saying 'It's a bit cruel.' I said if it was cruel that I wasn't sure i wanted to hear it. He adjusted by saying, 'It's not really cruel'. The story involved his dad playing a trick on the then four-yr-old brother while father and son were lost in an unfamiliar city. When my friend told the part where the father pretends he is going to split up with the child, I said, 'I don't want to hear the rest of the story. I don't think it's funny to play a joke like that on a child.' My friend was irritated and got angry. I stayed disengaged and said 'I'll see you later when you're not upset anymore.' Based on other stories my friend has told me, his father had an abusive streak and big anger problems. I didn't feel good listening to a story which glorifies mean behavior, especially towards a young child. Any perspective on this? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/09/09
my daughter eats whatever vegetable or fruit is on the table. she also loves desserts. I try to avoid sugar and additives. every time my neighbors give her candies, chocolate... sugar is a prize, if she does something they don't like they say they won't give her candies anymore if she cries - sugar is a remedy. today my neighbor offered us something, I said better no, we had just eaten and close to go to bed, I knew my daughter was satisfied. despite this, she asked my daughter if she wanted cake. my girl ate desperately a big piece even for an adult. I give my daughter desserts, but I control it, is it wrong? I really hate when my neighbor decides what my daughter eats, sometimes I just avoid them for weeks because of this situation. I explained them I am her mother and want to decide what she eats, my neighbor agreed but in practice nothing changes. sometimes I am permissive to avoid my daughters anger but then I feel bad. what is your advice? I feel my daughter wants to go there to eat. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/05/09
I am wondering whether I am handling this issue right, with my husband. Whenever one of our sons does something that irritates him, instead of confronting the boy he comes tells me angrily about it instead of our son. I say to him that it is not really my fault that he is angry and that if he has a problem he should have it out with the boy, not me. It feels like he uses our child's behaviour as an excuse to tell me off. He says I am not supportive if I tell him to go talk to our son himself. I do not get too irritated when my sons are untidy, although I wouldn't hesitate to tell them if they did something which really upset me and my values, like stealing or lying. My husband hates untidiness. I worry that he is too quick to see bad things in our children and never tells them he loves them or is proud of them. He says I love the children more than i love him when I remind him they need him. He says my love for the children is excessive and this is why our marriage has gone wrong. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/02/09
Please help me help a friend. How can she guide a 14 year old niece deal with a destructive N mother? She is insecure, afraid to fail her mother, and just suffering terribly. The mother constantly puts her down, makes mean comments,and makes her life hell. What reading is appropriate for that age, or what direction do you suggest we point her to provide some tools to help her deal and make herself resilient before she thinks she is the problem and huge damage is done to her. Thanks Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 05/21/09
I am worried about my 13 year old daughter who struggles with other girls and friendship. Recently she had been sad and complaining the she does not have girlfriends in her grade/classes. She does have several male friends, who she feels are easier to talk to, and she has two older brothers. She also has girlfriends that are a year older. I am not sure how to support her when she tells me how she is so different from the other girls and that there is no one like her. I want to support her uniqueness and listen, but also what to help her see some of the commonalities that she may share with the other girls her age. Any suggestions? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 05/21/09
My friend has a 13 year old teen and she has been facing a very difficult situation. After a separation with her husband she has been trying to find the best way to parent him but she deals with a lot of aggressive behaviors mostly verbally and some physical behaviors towards his sister who is 16. He claims that he wants to live with his dad, but his dad is not completely reliable (emotionally/history of personally disorders). She has been attending counseling but he doesn't want to cooperate. In addition she has been learning how to acknowledge his feelings and be an active listener but nothing has wored. He continues to cuss her. he tends to escalate for that reason she called the police and they were about to take him but she changed her mind.She is not sure that allowing him to be with his father will represent start from zero once again he comes back because he can only be with his dad for 4 months. He has a motorcycle trip with her girlfriend that will take 8 months. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 05/16/09
Our 20-yr-old daughter just got home from college for the summer and sometimes she is difficult to be around. When our family is just having conversation over dinner she will get offended easily, interrupt other people, she gets very opinionated, etc. I feel uncomfortable with her intensity and sometimes I just disengage, but I know she must be unhappy to be so irritable. I have thought about telling her what I see happening or asking her what's up, but she is so sensitive to any feedback. I want to help but I'm not sure how. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 05/11/09
Over the course of my son's first year in school, he has developed a strong friendship. The two boys are very compatible and they have a great time together. His friend's parents have asked for playdates, and as far as I can tell, they seem like caring and loving parents. I find myself uncomfortable, however, because my son's friend's father works for a profit oriented organization which supports the military (Halliburton, Blackwater). I cannot tell where this discomfort is coming from - whether it is my wounded self (who can be intolerant of different political views) or my guidance. I want my son to choose his own friends, but at this young age, is it loving to exposure him to people who hold such different values from me? I don't know if I am being controlling when I want my son to seek a non-violent orientation to society. Despite our different political views, these people seem quite decent. I want to practice tolerance, and yet I can't get over a feeling of unease. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 05/10/09
I have a seven year old boy who is intelligent and gentle. Lately, he has been saying that being sweet makes people treat him badly and that he needs to be as aggressive as he can be. I have told him that being aggressive will only lead to more problems. I told him that his best protection is to support himself by telling himself that he is loved and special. However, my advice does not seem to register with him, and he seems deeply affected by the words and behavior of his friends. Are 7 year olds capable of detaching from their friend's attitudes? If so, can you give some suggestions on how to help him to support and defend himself that will register with a child? Thank you. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 05/04/09
I am having a little difficulty finding the line between limits and control with my son's sleep habits. Several weeks ago, I let go of staying with him till he fell asleep. Now I say goodnight at 8:30 and let him decide when he goes to sleep. He stays up reading until at least 10pm and usually wakes up on his own around 6:30. He is yawning a lot through the day, low energy in the morning, doesn't want to go to school more than ever, and is more irritable than usual. To me he is tired, but he insists that he is not. I think that he is anxious about falling asleep and that is why he stays up, but he refuses help with that. Is it reasonable of me to enforce an earlier lights out policy? That is my instinct though I know it will be unpleasant for awhile, but I know I don't always recognize my attempts at control right away. I also learned recently that children with AS have difficulty quieting their brains and maybe he needs some special help with that? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 05/04/09
I have two adult kids who are lazy, irresponsible and find it very difficult to clean up after themselves. They are also in college. It is frustrating me to no end. When they were little, and they were refusing to help out, I had options...such as time outs, or withdrawing privileges etc. But, now...I find this time in their lives difficult and I feel quite powerless. I also am a single mother, trying desperately to support them financially while they are in school. They both work and are pulling in decent money that they spend frivolously every month. I end up in the hole each month trying to cover the costs. I thought about asking them to contribute but feel very guilty about doing so. I feel that as their mother, I should cover the cost of everything. But, I end up feeling angry watching them waste money, while I go into debt making ends meet to get them through school. Is it wrong to ask for financial contributions from them? Why do I feel so guilty? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 04/25/09
To give you some background. I have sole custody of my two children, aged 16 and 13. Their father lives five minutes away and sees them every two or three weeks, when he takes them out for dessert. His 2nd wife does not allow our children to visit in his home of which he is the sole owner. Today is my son's 16th birthday and his father has requested a visit with our son, but not our daughter. I know that my daughter will be devastated that she is not included in the visit. She looks forward to her visits with her father and over the eight years since the divorce, his visits have become increasingly limited. Their father does not call or email and communicate at any other time or in any other way than his bi-weekly visits. My question is, What could/should I say to my daughter about not being included in the visit her father has asked for today with her brother? Thanks. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 04/15/09
I have 2 of my ADULT children living with me, that I have been supporting and caring for alone since birth for the most part. They are both in college. Problem is, money is EXTREMELY difficult financially for me, and cleaning up after everyone has become such a burden - so frustrating. Managing as I have been is SO difficult for me financially, they just don't seem to care, or even appreciate how much is being done for them. It is expected nowadays it seems. I actually feel like the only power I have is to move out myself. Not in anger, but out of self-preservation. I've talked and asked for help until I am blue in the face - they all know they are not pulling their weight and end up feeling badly, but nothing changes. I'm at my wits end. Is my only option to ship them all out on their own and get a place of my own? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 03/13/09
My boyfriend of 2 yrs has a 18y/o and 16y/o. Divorced 10 years. Up until about 3 years ago his life consisted of work and the girl's many activities.He does not have ANY friends and dated 1 woman plus me. He told me he does not want his daughters to feel like he did about his dad so he "overcompensates" He buys them everything they want plus what he thinks they want. We cannot go on vacation because he is afraid his daughters will be jealous.There are weekends when there's a possibility that his girls may stay over but he doesn't want to ask them for sure because he doesn't want them to think they are not welcome. So if I went to his house and his dtr decided to stay over, I have to go.They do things that should upset him but he doesn't get upset because he does not want them to feel bad.He tells me "there is a small window of opportunity with them and then there gone". He tells me I'm not a parent so I don't understand. Let me add he has bouts of depression. Is this healthy? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 03/11/09
My 20-yr-old daughter calls me from college and every so often is very upset and emotional about something that happened at school. It's usually a minor mistake she is upset about--forgetting a small detail while handling big things just fine. She says this small mistake is just reinforcing her reputation as a forgetful person and her friends in class will tease her again. So I try to help her with her perfectionism and asked, "if your daughter came home upset because her friends were teasing her what would you say to her?" She could not answer the question and was upset that I didn't just validate her feelings as legitimate. I want her to develop a LA to take care of herself when she's upset. I remember at this age just wanting to vent too (I told her that). What's the best way to be helpful here and encourage her to take responsibility for her feelings? Is there a special way to help a young adult to move into the intention to learn? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 03/02/09
My 12-year-old daughter went on a "field trip" at her school to the big Mass/March for Life in downtown Washington this Wednesday/Thursday. We were told that the kids would do a "food fast", abstaining from eating 8:00 a.m. to bedtime Wednesday, go bowling, have a basketball game, and go to bed (sleeping in the rectory) to rise very early to get downtown. When I picked my daughter up from school yesterday, I found that the kids got only 2 hours of sleep after wandering around our Wash, DC suburb and walking to an all-night diner to eat between 11:00 p.m. and 1:30 a.m., and making a trip to the grocery store somewhere in there also. My daughter had fun, and I thought that was great, but is it wrong of me to feel upset that the kids followed a totally different itinerary than the one we were given? I think parents should know if their kids are wandering around very late at night/early morning. Is this my WS telling me to be angry and scared, or my Core Self being reasonable? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 01/23/09
My sister's daughter who is 19 broke up with her boyfriend and she is very confused. A part of her feels she loves him and a part of her knows that he is not the right choice. She has been receiving advice from her mom and other family members who cares about her. This guy (21) hasn't been able to keep a job, he is not attending college and he keeps telling her he really is trying, but it has been more than 12 months with the same situation. My niece has paid some things because of his situation. In addition he is the type of guy who says I love you because the way you make me feel instead of loving her qualities. My sister feels very frustrated, she feels she tried advising her helping her to see this unhealthy signs. She ended up telling my niece that she is not allow to talk to him anymore. But this decision has been bothering her. She is worry that she will not learn from this independently but at the same time she doesn't want to risk her emotionally with this guy. Help! what to do. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 01/11/09
me again-I'm so full of crap-how the heck is my home supposed to be a good place for my son to be?I've been so remiss in providing any model for responsible living.Two parents who haven't taken responsibility for themselves and entrenched in survival mode and addiction.How could it be a good place for anybody to thrive?I don't want to be in a poor me puddle,but I am,anyway.I want my son to have a better chance at finding his resilience,believing in his capacity and I am blind and deaf,now that I have to make some unpopular decisions,that I cannot even hold to unless I were to move out on my own,which I won't do,because I don't have any way to support myself.I apologize for the lengthy letters,I don't know what else to do. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 01/03/09
I am really stumped on what to do.My 22 yr.old wants to move back home.When he visited one month ago,he spoke of thinking about suicide when crossing a bridge.My husband is reminding me of this when I tried to discuss what we might do regarding the decision.I couldn't stay with the discussion,feeling that I am being blamed if I don't let him move back in.And feeling fearful that if I don't allow it,he will kill himself.Which clearly is terrifying me.I need to make this decision as a loving adult/parent.My son is 600 mi.away,doesn't have any support and few friends.There has to be some middle ground,letting him move back would involve some strict boundaries that I am unsure I can maintain alone,because of the dynamics.Guidance tells me to let him move back with the rules written,but I still can't tell who is talking.Thanks for your help. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 01/02/09
I just discovered that my 11 year old son has been googling information on masturbation and sex (he googled sex on YouTube). I gently confronted him and he seemed deeply sorry and embarrassed (this was not the response that I was going for) I told him that it was natural curiosity but that I wanted to be the one to give him the information so that I am sure that he receives the right information (I have been asking my husband for a year to discuss this subject with my son and though he says he will he has not as of this date). I tried to open a dialogue with my son and he refused. How best should I handle this sensitive subject ?? At this point I have back off and just told my son that I am here if he would like to talk. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 12/18/08
Hi Margaret/Erika .. May I ask for your help in some possible suggestions or ideas about how to soften what always feels so deeply painful and paralyzing sadness when my daughter comes to me asking the "Why" questions when it comes to her seeking some kind of solace and understanding about why Grandma chooses to have nothing to do with us or communicate with her as her Granddaughter. Usually when these deep inner yearning surface its not Just Grandma, but also my foster parent in who she can remember calling and having a good relationship. Yet they have kind of disappeared from earth in that they too will not respond any more in any way. The grief is my foster parents said that they would be here for us and then all of sudden disappeared and stopped communicating with us .. I am finding that not just myself, but I am trying to encourage my daughter NOT to take on any feelings of guilt or feelings like she has done something wrong .. We know its Grandma's issue. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 12/15/08
Thanks for your answers. What you say is clear, but it's just difficult to bring it to actions! today I gave my daughter for school a cookie and apple slices. of course she ate the cookie and not the fruit! it becomes a pattern. I understand her, I still remember my own embarrassment when I was at school and my mother was giving me tomatoes or fruit while the others were having packed snacks. I asked her if she was embarrassed, I am not embarrassed at home she said, but I am at school in front of my friends. then I came here. I am happy to say that she eats great at home, veggies, fruit, but at school she just doesn't eat it, the pressure is big I think. I am teaching her and myself about embarrassment and self judgment! with my neighbors, I just avoid them I don't want to visit them! but I see that avoiding is not what I want to teach us (my daughter and my self). I like to teach us to face the situation... the question is how? (is avoidance a good option?)Indira Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 12/15/08
First I want to express my gratitude. The more I explore innerbonding the more I like it. One year ago I sent you for the first time an email with questions. And only now I am understanding things...I only have words of gratitude and my best feelings about Inner bonding. My daughter is not eating her nails anymore and when I go to the supermarket is my loving adult choosing food that I enjoy to prepare! (still some sugar sometimes, I just love to say, there should be a good reason for this... and feel free! I won't say it's easy). I must tell you that I bought a little doll and and I go with my doll and my daughter to the supermarket asking me what I am going to buy for the "girls" that's me and my daughter! I am being a mother to myself and my daughter! I love it. THANKS, sincerely. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 12/13/08
What is your view on Montessori education from a young age? My son is due to start at a Montessori nursery/school soon (age 2 1/4), for 2 mornings a week, and I am starting to worry about whether I am doing the right thing. I feel he will benefit more than if he were to be with me 24/7. However if I could always engage my LA I would probably feel that he would be better with his mummy? However the fact is that I have a WS in charge most of the time so I would like him to learn some independence and spend time with other adults who are trained in the 'Montessori way'. There is no financial or other reason for him to go, just my desire for him to have a good start. Thanks Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 11/27/08
I have been making a mess of parenting my 16 yr old daughter. She has been thru a lot in the last two years with my divorce from her dad and feeling misplaced everywhere she is. She is the baby and I have let my guilt drive my parenting, because I know that she has suffered, and I want her to be happy. She has suffered (like S. Poareo)"chronic disappointment, helplessness and shattered trust". She is finishing h.s. on the internet but does not want me to check on her progress or push her along. She says she does better when I just leave her alone. She picks fights with her 19 yr.old sister and is rude and disrespectful to her most of the time. She has moments when she is delightful, but I am having a hard time knowing how to regain the parental upper-hand so to speak. I know I am afraid of her being angry with me, and that is my own i.b. issue. Please help me understand how to help her feel some sense of control while regaining my own control& insist she respect other family members. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 11/25/08
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