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1. ACCEPTANCE OF TERMS

Welcome to Inner Bonding (IB). IB provides its service to you, subject to the following Terms of Service ("TOS"), which may be updated by us from time to time without notice to you. In addition, when using particular IB services, you and IB shall be subject to any posted guidelines or rules applicable to such services which may be posted from time to time. All such guidelines or rules are hereby incorporated by reference into the TOS. If you are a facilitator on IB, please note that IB provides a different Terms of Service for you. IB also may offer other services from time to time, such as IB Public Store and SelfQuest that are governed by different Terms of Services. These TOS do not apply to facilitators, IB Public Store or SelfQuest or such other services.

2. DESCRIPTION OF SERVICE

IB currently provides users with access to a rich collection of resources, including, various communications tools, forums, shopping services, personalized content and branded programming through its network of properties (the "Service"). You also understand and agree that the service may include certain communications from IB, such as service announcements, administrative messages and the Inner Bonding Journal, and that these communications are considered part of IB membership. Unless explicitly stated otherwise, any new features that augment or enhance the current Service, including the release of new IB properties, shall be subject to the TOS. You understand and agree that the Service is provided "AS-IS" and that IB assumes no responsibility for the timeliness, deletion, mis-delivery or failure to store any user communications or personalization settings. You are responsible for obtaining access to the Service and that access may involve third party fees (such as Internet service provider or airtime charges). You are responsible for those fees. In addition, you must provide and are responsible for all equipment necessary to access the Service.

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You acknowledge and agree that IB may preserve Content and may also disclose Content if required to do so by law or in the good faith belief that such preservation or disclosure is reasonably necessary to: (a) comply with legal process; (b) enforce the TOS; (c) respond to claims that any Content violates the rights of third-parties; or (d) protect the rights, property, or personal safety of IB, its users and the public. You understand that the technical processing and transmission of the Service, including your Content, may involve (a) transmissions over various networks; and (b) changes to conform and adapt to technical requirements of connecting networks or devices.

7. SPECIAL ADMONITIONS FOR INTERNATIONAL USE

Recognizing the global nature of the Internet, you agree to comply with all local rules regarding online conduct and acceptable Content. Specifically, you agree to comply with all applicable laws regarding the transmission of technical data exported from the United States or the country in which you reside.

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IB does not claim ownership of Content you submit or make available for inclusion on the Service. However, with respect to Content you submit or make available for inclusion on publicly accessible areas of the Service, you grant IB the following world-wide, royalty free and non-exclusive license(s), as applicable:

* With respect to Content you submit or make available for inclusion on publicly accessible areas of IB, the license to use, distribute, reproduce, modify, adapt, publicly perform and publicly display such Content on the Service solely for the purposes of providing and promoting the specific IB to which such Content was submitted or made available.

* With respect to photos, graphics, audio or video you submit or make available for inclusion on publicly accessible area of the Service, the license to use, distribute, reproduce, modify, adapt, publicly perform and publicly display such Content on the Service solely for the purpose for which such Content was submitted or made available. This license exists only for as long as you elect to continue to include such Content on the Service and will terminate at the time you remove or IB removes such Content from the Service.

* With respect to Content other than photos, graphics, audio or video you submit or make available for inclusion on publicly accessible areas of the Service, the perpetual, irrevocable and fully sublicensable license to use, distribute, reproduce, modify, adapt, publish, translate, publicly perform and publicly display such Content (in whole or in part) and to incorporate such Content into other works in any format or medium now known or later developed. "Publicly accessible" areas of the Service are those areas of the IB network of properties that are intended by IB to be available to the general public. By way of example, publicly accessible areas of the Service would include IB Message Boards and portions of IB Chat Rooms and IB Free Questions and Answers that are open to both members and visitors. However, publicly accessible areas of the Service would not include portions of IB Private Question and Answers and IB Private Chat Sessions that are limited to members, IB services intended for private communication such as IB MailCenter or IB Private Chat Room, or areas off of the IB network of properties such as portions of World Wide Web sites that are accessible through IB but are not hosted or served by IB.

9. INDEMNITY

You agree to indemnify and hold IB, and its subsidiaries, affiliates, officers, agents, co-branders or other partners, and employees, harmless from any claim or demand, including reasonable attorneys' fees, made by any third party due to or arising out of Content you submit, post, transmit or make available through the Service, your use of the Service, your connection to the Service, your violation of the TOS, or your violation of any rights of another. You agree that IB is not liable for, nor is Inner Bonding Educational Technologies, Inc., Dr. Margaret Paul, or Dr. Erka Chopich liable for any alleged damage resulting from help in the Chat Room or from the Advice - Q&A.

10. NO RESALE OF SERVICE

You agree not to reproduce, duplicate, copy, sell, resell or exploit for any commercial purposes, any portion of the Service, use of the Service, or access to the Service.

11. GENERAL PRACTICES REGARDING USE AND STORAGE

You acknowledge that IB may establish general practices and limits concerning use of the Service, including without limitation the maximum number of days that email messages, message board postings or other uploaded Content will be retained by the Service, the maximum number of email messages that may be sent from or received by an account on the Service, the maximum size of any email message that may be sent from or received by an account on the Service, the maximum disk space that will be allotted on IB's servers on your behalf, and the maximum number of times (and the maximum duration for which) you may access the Service in a given period of time. You agree that IB has no responsibility or liability for the deletion or failure to store any messages and other communications or other Content maintained or transmitted by the Service. You acknowledge that IB reserves the right to log off accounts that are inactive for an extended period of time. You further acknowledge that IB reserves the right to change these general practices and limits at any time, in its sole discretion, with or without notice.

12. MODIFICATIONS TO SERVICE IB

IB reserves the right at any time and from time to time to modify or discontinue, temporarily or permanently, the Service (or any part thereof) with or without notice. You agree that IB shall not be liable to you or to any third party for any modification, suspension or discontinuance of the Service.

13. TERMINATION

You agree that IB, in its sole discretion, may terminate your password, account (or any part thereof) or use of the Service, and remove and discard any Content within the Service, for any reason, including, without limitation, for lack of use or if IB believes that you have violated or acted inconsistently with the letter or spirit of the TOS. IB may also in its sole discretion and at any time discontinue providing the Service, or any part thereof, with or without notice. You agree that any termination of your access to the Service under any provision of this TOS may be effected without prior notice, and acknowledge and agree that IB may immediately deactivate or delete your account and all related information and files in your account and/or bar any further access to such files or the Service. Further, you agree that IB shall not be liable to you or any third-party for any termination of your access to the Service.

14. DEALINGS WITH FACILITATORS

Your correspondence or business dealings with, or participation in activities of, facilitators found on or through the Service, including payment and delivery of related goods or services, and any other terms, conditions, warranties or representations associated with such dealings, are solely between you and such facilitator. You agree that IB shall not be responsible or liable for any loss or damage of any sort incurred as the result of any such dealings or as the result of the presence of such advertisers on the Service, including any private face-to-face or phone work that takes place between members and Inner Bonding facilitators. The Inner Bonding processes contained on this Web site are provided for educational purposes only. The Inner Bonding process is not intended to substitute for medical, psychological or other professional services. For medical and psychological diagnosing, prescribing and treatment, you agree to consult a licensed professional.You agree that IB, the Inner Bonding authors and facilitators, and Inner Bonding Educational Technologies, Inc. shall have neither liability nor responsibility to any person or entity with respect to any alleged loss or damage alleged to be caused directly or indirectly by the Inner Bonding information or processes contained within.

15. LINKS

The Service may provide, or third parties may provide, links to other World Wide Web sites or resources. Because IB has no control over such sites and resources, you acknowledge and agree that IB is not responsible for the availability of such external sites or resources, and does not endorse and is not responsible or liable for any Content, advertising, products, or other materials on or available from such sites or resources. You further acknowledge and agree that IB shall not be responsible or liable, directly or indirectly, for any damage or loss caused or alleged to be caused by or in connection with use of or reliance on any such Content, goods or services available on or through any such site or resource.

16. IB'S PROPRIETARY RIGHTS

You acknowledge and agree that the Service and any necessary software used in connection with the Service ("Software") contain proprietary and confidential information that is protected by applicable intellectual property and other laws. You further acknowledge and agree that Content contained in interactions with facilitators or information presented to you through the Service or facilitators is protected by copyrights, trademarks, service marks, patents or other proprietary rights and laws. Except as expressly authorized by IB or facilitators, you agree not to modify, rent, lease, loan, sell, distribute or create derivative works based on the Service or the Software, in whole or in part. IB grants you a personal, non-transferable and non-exclusive right and license to use the object code of its Software on a single computer; provided that you do not (and do not allow any third party to) copy, modify, create a derivative work of, reverse engineer, reverse assemble or otherwise attempt to discover any source code, sell, assign, sublicense, grant a security interest in or otherwise transfer any right in the Software. You agree not to modify the Software in any manner or form, or to use modified versions of the Software, including (without limitation) for the purpose of obtaining unauthorized access to the Service. You agree not to access the Service by any means other than through the interface that is provided by IB for use in accessing the Service.

17. DISCLAIMER OF WARRANTIES YOU EXPRESSLY UNDERSTAND AND AGREE THAT:

a. YOUR USE OF THE SERVICE IS AT YOUR SOLE RISK. THE SERVICE IS PROVIDED ON AN "AS IS" AND "AS AVAILABLE" BASIS. IB EXPRESSLY DISCLAIMS ALL WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, WHETHER EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY, FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE AND NON-INFRINGEMENT.

b. IB MAKES NO WARRANTY THAT (i) THE SERVICE WILL MEET YOUR REQUIREMENTS, (ii) THE SERVICE WILL BE UNINTERRUPTED, TIMELY, SECURE, OR ERROR-FREE, (iii) THE RESULTS THAT MAY BE OBTAINED FROM THE USE OF THE SERVICE WILL BE ACCURATE OR RELIABLE, (iv) THE QUALITY OF ANY PRODUCTS, SERVICES, INFORMATION, OR OTHER MATERIAL PURCHASED OR OBTAINED BY YOU THROUGH THE SERVICE WILL MEET YOUR EXPECTATIONS, AND (V) ANY ERRORS IN THE SOFTWARE WILL BE CORRECTED.

c. ANY MATERIAL DOWNLOADED OR OTHERWISE OBTAINED THROUGH THE USE OF THE SERVICE IS DONE AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION AND RISK AND THAT YOU WILL BE SOLELY RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY DAMAGE TO YOUR COMPUTER SYSTEM OR LOSS OF DATA THAT RESULTS FROM THE DOWNLOAD OF ANY SUCH MATERIAL.

d. NO ADVICE OR INFORMATION, WHETHER ORAL OR WRITTEN, OBTAINED BY YOU FROM IB OR THROUGH OR FROM THE SERVICE SHALL CREATE ANY WARRANTY NOT EXPRESSLY STATED IN THE TOS.

18. LIMITATION OF LIABILITY YOU EXPRESSLY UNDERSTAND AND AGREE THAT IB SHALL NOT BE LIABLE FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, CONSEQUENTIAL OR EXEMPLARY DAMAGES, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO, DAMAGES FOR LOSS OF PROFITS, GOODWILL, USE, DATA OR OTHER INTANGIBLE LOSSES (EVEN IF IB HAS BEEN ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGES), RESULTING FROM: (i) THE USE OR THE INABILITY TO USE THE SERVICE; (ii) THE COST OF PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS AND SERVICES RESULTING FROM ANY GOODS, DATA, INFORMATION OR SERVICES PURCHASED OR OBTAINED OR MESSAGES RECEIVED OR TRANSACTIONS ENTERED INTO THROUGH OR FROM THE SERVICE; (iii) UNAUTHORIZED ACCESS TO OR ALTERATION OF YOUR TRANSMISSIONS OR DATA; (iv) STATEMENTS OR CONDUCT OF ANY THIRD PARTY ON THE SERVICE; OR (v) ANY OTHER MATTER RELATING TO THE SERVICE.

19. EXCLUSIONS AND LIMITATIONS SOME JURISDICTIONS DO NOT ALLOW THE EXCLUSION OF CERTAIN WARRANTIES OR THE LIMITATION OR EXCLUSION OF LIABILITY FOR INCIDENTAL OR CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES. ACCORDINGLY, SOME OF THE ABOVE LIMITATIONS OF SECTIONS 17 AND 18 MAY NOT APPLY TO YOU.

20. SPECIAL ADMONITION FOR SERVICES RELATING TO FINANCIAL MATTERS

If you intend to create or join any service, receive or request any news, messages, alerts or other information from the Service concerning companies, stock quotes, investments or securities, please read the above Sections 17 and 18 again. They go doubly for you. In addition, for this type of information particularly, the phrase "Let the investor beware" is apt. The Service is provided for informational purposes only, and no Content included in the Service is intended for trading or investing purposes. IB and its licensors shall not be responsible or liable for the accuracy, usefulness or availability of any information transmitted or made available via the Service, and shall not be responsible or liable for any trading or investment decisions made based on such information.

21. NOTICE

Notices to you may be made via either email or regular mail. The Service may also provide notices of changes to the TOS or other matters by displaying notices or links to notices to you generally on the Service.

22. TRADEMARK INFORMATION

IB, the Inner Bonding logo, SelfQuest, and Inner Bonding Educational Technologies trademarks and service marks, and other IB logos and product and service names are trademarks of Inner Bonding Educational Technologies Inc. (the "Inner Bonding Marks"). Without Inner Bonding's prior permission, you agree not to display or use in any manner, the Inner Bonding Marks.

23. COPYRIGHTS and COPYRIGHT AGENTS

IB respects the intellectual property of others, and we ask our users to do the same. If you believe that your work has been copied in a way that constitutes copyright infringement, or your intellectual property rights have been otherwise violated, please provide IB's Copyright Agent the following information:

1. an electronic or physical signature of the person authorized to act on behalf of the owner of the copyright or other intellectual property interest;
2. a description of the copyrighted work or other intellectual property that you claim has been infringed;
3. a description of where the material that you claim is infringing is located on the site;
4. your address, telephone number, and email address;
5. a statement by you that you have a good faith belief that the disputed use is not authorized by the copyright owner, its agent, or the law;
6. a statement by you, made under penalty of perjury, that the above information in your Notice is accurate and that you are the copyright or intellectual property owner or authorized to act on the copyright or intellectual property owner's behalf.

IB's Agent for Notice of claims of copyright or other intellectual property infringement can be reached as follows:

By mail:

Copyright Agent
c/o Inner Bonding Educational Technologies, Inc.
PMB #42,
2531 Sawtelle Blvd.,
Los Angeles, CA 90064-3124

By phone: (310) 459-1700
By Fax: (310) 459-1727

By email: innerbonding@innerbonding.com

24. GENERAL INFORMATION

The TOS constitute the entire agreement between you and IB and govern your use of the Service, superceding any prior agreements between you and IB. You also may be subject to additional terms and conditions that may apply when you use affiliate services, third-party content or third-party software. The TOS and the relationship between you and IB shall be governed by the laws of the State of California without regard to its conflict of law provisions. You and IB agree to submit to the personal and exclusive jurisdiction of the courts located within the county of Los Angeles, California. The failure of IB to exercise or enforce any right or provision of the TOS shall not constitute a waiver of such right or provision. If any provision of the TOS is found by a court of competent jurisdiction to be invalid, the parties nevertheless agree that the court should endeavor to give effect to the parties' intentions as reflected in the provision, and the other provisions of the TOS remain in full force and effect. You agree that regardless of any statute or law to the contrary, any claim or cause of action arising out of or related to use of the Service or the TOS must be filed within one (1) year after such claim or cause of action arose or be forever barred. The section titles in the TOS are for convenience only and have no legal or contractual effect.

25. VIOLATIONS

Please report any violations of the TOS to our Customer Support group.

26. CANCELLATION OF MEMBERSHIP

You pay for membership monthly. We can automatically charge you for each month, if that is what you want. There is no cancellation or refund of your money for that month. You can choose not to renew, but you cannot cancel for a refund.

 

I agree with the terms of the Inner Bonding Village user agreement
 


148 QUESTION(S)
Question
My middle child is a very sensitive, intuitive child. She has been having some struggles in school and so I bought her a journal. She left the journal out and I saw that she had written on a page "My mom always tries to be as loving as possible but she can't do it. It feels like she is only hurting herself when she tries." I am heartbroken both for my daughter and for myself ! I am unclear where this is coming from......she also had some pages where she wrote things like "I just had a learning moment and I hate life sometimes"....."I wish I could start my life over sometimes".... What would you suggest here ??
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 03/11/10
I am concerned that my husband it putting too much pressure on my son. He has signed him up for a town basketball league, travel basketball team and travel base ball team. My son was chosen to be in some advance subjects in school. We have a meeting with his teachers today and while I was planning to go to see how my son is doing (his grades are down) and how I can support him in school my husband informed me as he was leaving for work that he is planning to request that my son be in an advance math class next year. I am not convinced that my son (who will be in 8th grade next year) is not feeling pressured. My husband believes that my son needs advance math to place in line for a decent college. Any suggestions on how to sort this out and not end up in a control/resist situation w my husband? I am concerned for my son
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 03/03/10
My 10 yr old daughter shares a lot of her friends' secrets with me. She made the mistake of telling her friend that she told me one of her secrets. Now the girls in her group are alienating her. There are no other girls in her room at school. She said to me "Mom I know that if I tell you some of the secrets you will help me understand things and that will make my life easier (one of the secrets was about one little girl's older sister (13yrs) doing drugs and having sex with her boyfriend). How can I help my daughter not feel so left out (heartbroken and lonely) and ensure that she continues to build a foundation of good communication with me, in light of these neg. peer messages? (she is very upset that she is no longer one of the popular girls.....I explained popularity is about who you are, not who you are friends with). Thanks
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/24/10
I though I heard that there are materials (book) to teach children about IB or God or something like that. Is it true? I would love to hear what others have told their children about God, Higher Power and the like.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/16/10
I think my 18 year old son has social anxiety or phobia. He is suffering greatly for the lack of friends at college, his desire to have a girlfriend (never has had) and his feeling "frozen" about talking to people. With his friends he's very out there, exuberant, funny and unafraid. Of course, they talk about things they have in common -- comics, video games, quirky things and ideas... He's pretty resistant to my suggestions that he find or create a club at school for something he has in common with others. I don't know what there is that I can do, or recommend to him. He might be more willing to do 1:1 therapy than an IB workshop. Do you have groups for 18 year olds? He's probably moving back to L.A. Though he confides in me, he is quite resistant to my suggestions. thanks!!
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/15/10
My son has taken to grabbing things away from the other children in the family. Last night he reached to my daughter's plate and took food off of it without asking her (it appeared she was not going to eat her food). My daughter got very upset, I mentioned to him that this is grabbing. My husband then joined in and said to my son that he was wrong but then turned to my daughter and told her that if she was not going to eat her food she had no right to get angry at her brother for taking it off her plate...UGH! My husband has taken to mimicking me in front of the kids when I address their behavior or steps in and overrides me as he did here. How best can I handle this situation ??
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/06/10
Am I being irresponsible by telling my 17 yr.old that he can handle his own doctor appointment? He has been having trouble with his eye and neglected to use the antibiotic prescribed. I stayed out of that,didn't lecture about the importance of regular treatment.I would like to trust his own capacity to speak for himself to his doctor,but worry that he won't know how to explain.I don't know either.It is important to me that he feel supported.I will try to ask him what he wants,but often feel rebuffed by his teenage attitude.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/02/10
I separated from my husband 6 months ago. We have 2 daughters 8 and 9 years old. I feel that he is smothering them and using them to fill up his emptiness. I moved out from our home and I have been fighting to have our girls every other week. Our oldest daughter adores her father and does not want to stay with me over night because she misses her father too much. I realise that there is nothing I can do to prevent their abusive relationship. What can I do to support her and her younger sister in this situation?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 01/27/10
My 47 year old son is bipolar and also suffers from social anxiety. He is on disability and does not work. My husband and I have certainly been enablers but since I have become involved in IB I can see that he could become much more independent with help. I have reached the point on insisting that he go to counseling to learn better life skills and to take more responsibility for himself. He was under the care of a psychiatrist for several years but I saw very little improvement in his ability to function in life. I think I.B. would really help but there is not one in our area. Do I have the right to demand that he seek help from a Christian counselor in our area? I am going to have to do this on my own as my husband will not take the action. My husband is afraid he might become depressed and suicidal again but I am not. I would like my son to learn to take responsibility for himself! My big concern is what will happen when his father is not there to help him. Any suggestions?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 01/18/10
My son and his girlfriend had a baby 3 months ago and had to move out of their apt. last week because they were behind in paying the rent - my son is the only one working making $400. wk. They are now living with my daughter who is due herself any day now. My daughter texted me today that they are fighting all the time - she's always screaming at my son and tonight said she was going to pack and take the baby. My daughter thinks she's bipolar. Any suggestions on how I should attempt to intervene - they are not married so not sure what rights my son may have to the baby if it should get to that point. Thanks.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 01/17/10
My son and his girlfriend had a baby 3 months ago. He'd had his struggles over the years but seemed to have gotten his act together. However he called me two weeks ago to say he was 3 months behind in his rent - so I helped him move out and he is now living with my daughter who has a baby coming in 2 weeks. He has a job that doesn't pay a whole lot and is not taking any initiative to apply for food stamps etc. even though he is struggling. Not sure what to do - I live alone with an extra bedroom and feel guilty that I have not offered for him to stay here but I feel he needs to be accountable but worry about the baby. I know he's not going to be able to stay at my daughter's long but he owes $2000 back rent and most likely won't save any money while living there. He just seems to live day by day and doesn't get it. Don't know what to do. help!!!!
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 01/10/10
We know that we are only responsible for our own feelings and not others feelings, so how do we pass this on to our children? What could we do and say to them so they could understand this. My son is 10 years old. Thank you in advance.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 01/09/10
I have two grown children (19 and 22) who are for the most part...pretty good. But, I do notice, that they are a part of this very selfish generation...who only ever think of themselves. It is so frustrating. One of them has no appreciation for what others do for him, and gives very little of himself to others but expects everyone to do for him. Drives me nuts. Is there anything I can do to encourage him or remind him to have some gratitude and to encourage him to think of others as well as himself. It's getting really long.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 12/26/09
In reading the article on emotional incest,I didn't have a label to put on this before,but I see that my husband has always had a relationship with my son that bugged me.Of course,I want them to have a bond,but there are parts that instinctively have always felt really wrong,but I never knew how to identify it.Always been this awful triangle of resenting both of them and we'd always move around in that victim, persecutor, rescuer loop.We've been seeing a couple's therapist who is very IB,(without knowing it!!),who is considering some family system therapy.My resistance is that my older son has always been in the spousal relationship and this anger is so old,I feel trepidation about having him in the room itself.Of course,I wouldn't want to lash out at him or verbally abuse him,but,I don't know how to settle this anger to be open to learning.Any thoughts?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 12/18/09
A few weeks ago I bought my 12 year old son new sneakers. We often talk about how expensive sneakers are and we try to find the best price for them (I spent about $50 on the sneakers). A few days ago I noticed that he had colored the front of one of the sneakers with pen. I felt very angry inside. I told him that I do not want him to color his sneakers, that I felt uncomfortable inside but needed some time to better understand why I felt upset and i would talk to him about it later (I did not show my anger to him). I am still confused why this was uncomfortable for me and would like some direction as to what questions I need to be exploring with myself about this. He clearly was sorry that he had made the choice but was confused why it was a big deal. Thanks
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 12/16/09
I am baby siting with my grandson. My daughter left instructions with her 11 year old son about his homework and what he is suppose to do while she is gone. He wants to spend all his time on the tv with his x-box and his friends. I have already expressed my thoughts on the amount of time he spends on x-box with his friends but I realize she does not want to hear that from me and it is not right for me to tell her how to raise her son. When I mention it she feels i takes away from the joy of my visit. Sometimes he is on it for 2-3 hours. Every time I go through the 6 steps I get stuck on how to be loving and kind to myself and to my grandson when I see what is going on. What I am feeling is the sadness of not being able to make a difference. It has caused some friction in the relationship with my daughter and her husband and I feel I must step back. I am trying to let it go but it is really hard. Any advice?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 12/15/09
My 20-year-old daughter for some months has shown signs of depression, e.g. not wanting to get up in the morning, not wanting to eat. In the morning, she sets the alarm but lets it ring forever before she can actually get up. She does not even seem to be enthusiastic about being hired to a job that she likes. Some background: As a child she was diagnosed as slightly attention deficit. During her formative years, due to my depression and illness, I did not take good care of her.Two years ago she witnessed my life-threatening state.I am recovering but she cannot stand mentioning the word "cancer". She dropped college just before year-end exam last year. In attempts to connect, I find out she has little interest to think about her future and little notion of being self-sufficient in life.I did suggest counseling, which she had had some years ago but given up. How can I help her? Or rather, since she does not think she needs help, how can I be an effective loving parent? Tks
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 12/02/09
How Children Develop Self-Esteem, By Dr. Margaret Paul. "As loving as you may be with your children, if you are not loving with yourself, your children may absorb your core shame belief and may have the same low self-esteem that you do." I am hoping that the IB process will also reverse this. My daughter and I are most likely emeshed and I hope that my recovery may influence hers.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 11/26/09
Hello, I have concerns about my 17 year old son who is a junior in high school. He has a history of consistently underachieving in school....low test grades, missing assignments etc. I have had to monitor his grades, give him reminders and get a tutor in the past. He is doing much better this year and has good grades in all his class except Algebra II. This is a hard class for him, so I would accept a C grade and some effort. He is barely passing and his teacher recommended a tutor twice weekly, and I let him pick one, and they worked together for awhile, but now he is refusing to work with her. His teacher let me know yesterday that he failed the quiz. He is rude and difficult when I even ask him about it. The only consequence that ever works is if I take away his phone when he refuses to complete his school work, and he says...as he has in the past, if I do that he will go live with his dad (I am divorced).Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 11/25/09
My 22 yr.old was fired for not following directions,after 3 weeks on the job.I think what is worse about all of this is his attitude.Will not take responsibility,saying that he wasn't trained this way,with contradictory evidence...I feel unbelievably frustrated that his learning curve is so steep with employment and I don't know how to handle concrete loving actions.He does start another job on Monday,but how can I help him learn from these experiences? All I want to do is wring his neck and I will have to take care of myself here,but WHY CAN"T HE GROW UP??We are doing our best to support him in healthy ways!!!He's had about 50 jobs in his work life,this isn't a new habit and nothing I can control...Sorry for babbling,I'm exhausted from working my own job and overwhelmed by the stress of parenting someone who is supposed to be an adult.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 11/25/09
I am close to one of my siblings family. My son is their God child. We are suppose to pick a weekend to celebrate Christmas together. Typically my son doesn't want to visit with this family because they have no children his age and the visits are boring to him. As he became a pre-teen I allowed him to decide if he would like to come along for visits with my family or not. I would like to have some kind of family celebration with all of the people that I love. Do you have any insights into this situation that can help me chose the balance between my wishes and not controlling my son to go? Thanks
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 11/15/09
I am 18 years sober and 2 years into IB, gratefully. After a paralyzing depression 2 years ago, I am learning that connecting with my Guidance and learning to love myself and others is the most important thing for me to really live life rather than (barely) existing. I came face to face with my deepest fear on Sunday; I went with my 13-year-old daughter to feed a meal to the homeless and began to be overcome with dread and fear like I have since childhood due to severe abuse and abandonment. I began to beat myself up, telling me that this was NOT about ME, but then moved into telling myself I had good reasons for the dread and that it was o.k., that I could listen to myself and have compassion. I was one year younger than my beautiful daughter is now when I began to smoke and drink, and I'm finding that I'm just now beginning to come out of the arrested development, WHILE trying to lovingly raise my daughter. It is hard. Any thoughts on other loving actions I could take for us?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 11/03/09
How can I best help - what can I say or do to help a 5 year old from not strengthening her slowly rising WS? When I use natural consequences for her acting out - for spilling milk on purpose - hitting or kicking her siblings when they look at her and she doesn't want it - she starts to behave completely out of control - starts to scream, kick, pull on me forcefully. For me to disengage isn't practical because I need to take care of her 2 siblings and to isolate her to calm herself down isn't working either.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 10/23/09
My 20 yr. old son has moved home after living on his own for a year. Before we had had to kick him out because of addiction problems. He had seemed like he was doing better, holding down the same job for the whole time. Well, he has been home a week and already has been smoking marijuana upstairs after we'd told him we wouldn't accept any illegal behavior in the house. I am a mess since discovering this last night, spent a sleepless night. Today I told him to clean up the area where he had been smoking, trying to at least to make him aware I know what he's been up to. A part of me last night decided the only way I could be assured he wasn't using was to drug test him randomly and tell him he needed to remain clean if he wanted to live at home. And then today I haven't been able to do it. I know I'm undecided about marijuana use--what is your opinion? And how do I use the Law of Attraction in this situation? when I'm such a mess about it.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 10/17/09
After a bit of coaxing I finally got my two oldest children to settle down to do their homework. When my youngest came bounding in the room I asked her to quiet down so that the others could cont. to do their homework (my husband was standing behind my youngest). My husband then proceeded to sing very loudly and interrupt the children. I asked him to please be quiet as he would interrupt the children and they were doing their homework (in the same room). He looked at me and in a flippant/sarcastic tone replied " Yes, I am so disruptive" The children all laughed and began to again become unfocused. How best could I have handled this situation ?? I felt dismissed and disrespected.....as is often the case when I try to be in charge when he is in the house. Thanks for the help in learning better skills for these situations.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 10/14/09
Had a typical parenting issue happen today that I was a bit unprepared for and would love some input on....... My fourth grader came home and informed me that her friend, Zelda 's sister is smoking "weed" (the sister is in 10th grade and informed my daughter's friend this fact about herself). I asked my daughter to tell me what "weed" was, she understood it was a drug. I used the moment to let my kids know how I felt about drugs and the concerns surrounding them. The issue is that Zelda asked my daughter not to tell anyone other than me. My daughter told Zelda that she felt that she could tell me because I would not tell anyone. I am in a quandrey as a mother. I think the child's parents need to know she is experimenting with drugs but do not want to break my daughter's trust. any suggestions ??
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 10/08/09
My son is 15 he recently got in trouble with the law. He was hanging out with kids that were trouble makers (I didn't know this at the time) well now that he has gotten into trouble he goes no where. He listens to what his friends say or tell him to do instead of listening to his intuition. I want to teach him inner bonding or at the least self-care, but when I mention it to him he gets defensive and won't even consider it. He has a court date of Oct 20 for the crime he and his friends committed so I would like to work with him before court. So my question is this, should I force him to sit and take time to listen to my suggestions and teaching on self care and inner bonding or should I just leave him alone? Thanks so much for your insight
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 10/08/09
I just found out from my child's teacher that she is being flagged for ADHD (I approached the teacher first and she agreed but had not contacted me yet). I have two other children with LD's. Every time I hear the news I get very sad. Why does this happen as I have been ahead of the school in diagnosing all three kids. Intuitively I knew that they had LD's.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 10/06/09
I have a twelve year old boy who has refused to spend any time with me over the last 4 years.My ex wife left over issues with parenting my older son (now 20).She has ignored court orders for counseling and visitation,so I have recently tried parental coordination.It was stopped after two visits when my son said he hates me and wishes I was not his father(because I am trying to see him and want him to go to counseling).A psychological evaluation has been recommended for the family.What should I do?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 10/04/09
I am working with a 5 year old girl. She is the middle child. When she was 3 she started preschool for 3 days/3 hours. She was very quiet and shy in school. Next year she went to the same preschool with a different teacher again 3 days/3 hours. Same problem. Her father would tell her each day before he left for work how important it is to participate in the school. By the end of the year it was getting so bad that she would cry each time before school and wanted to stay home. This year she started kindergarten 5 days/ 9 -3. Almost every day she cries at school. She tried to talk to her parents but they just say she has to go to school. Now I am noticing her behavior at home is getting kind of rebellious, talking back - saying things like I don't care, getting herself in trouble with her siblings. I am wondering if you have suggestion how I can help her. I talked to her parents at the beginning of the summer - there was an option 3 days/2 1/2 hours. Mother said NO.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 09/24/09
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