DAILY INSPIRATION

Every kind act to yourself adds kindness to the world. Every kind act to another adds kindness to the world. We each have the power to change the world through our individual acts of kindness to ourselves and others. We are not powerless to bring about a more loving world, but the changes must start within you.

By Dr. Margaret Paul
 
 
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Welcome to Inner Bonding (IB). IB provides its service to you, subject to the following Terms of Service ("TOS"), which may be updated by us from time to time without notice to you. In addition, when using particular IB services, you and IB shall be subject to any posted guidelines or rules applicable to such services which may be posted from time to time. All such guidelines or rules are hereby incorporated by reference into the TOS. If you are a facilitator on IB, please note that IB provides a different Terms of Service for you. IB also may offer other services from time to time, such as IB Public Store and SelfQuest that are governed by different Terms of Services. These TOS do not apply to facilitators, IB Public Store or SelfQuest or such other services.

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191 QUESTION(S)
Question
My daughter's friend (each 7) gets angry and impatient and seems to constantly need my daughters attention. She often says things to her like 'that stupid' when she disagrees or even to a joke my daughter says. Now we found this girl when she hears my daughter disagree with her has squeezed my daughters forearm so hard its bruised. This is the girl that was pushing playing doctor before..I think this kid is a little terrorist and bullies and even physically abuses to intimidate. Probably ADD and very impulsive and OCD. What do we tell our daughter and do we tell the kids mom..We appreciate that our daughter was able to tell us. Thanks in advance
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/29/10
I love reading the articles on this site, but I'm noticing this anxious, tense feeling when I go to read them. I actually have a lump in my throat. Like I want the information, but I'm afraid of what I'll find. I realize this is my wounded self judging harshly. Esp. as a parent.When I read the parenting articles, I have caught myself going "oh good, I do that" or "oh crap, I failed on that note." I am actually afraid of finding more ways I have failed my child. I feel this way when I come across any parenting article or info. I intellectually get I will never be the perfect parent, and I have glimmers of compassionate moments with myself, but mostly, I just judge myself when I read. And I can hear my IC crying out. It's interesting that IB is about parenting her, and I'm most triggered by thinking about parenting my son. I know I still give myself up, but I'm so committed to learning and growing.I am focusing on going inward, listening to my guidance but I am overwhelmed. Any suggestions?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/22/10
I found out yesterday that my 14yr old daughter was caught at church summer camp performing oral sex on 16yr old boy that worked at the camp. I knew they talked on the phone and liked each other, but when I was called to have a conference with a church elder she told me it was because they were kissing. Needless to say, in the meeting with the kids and the parents the whole story came out. I am a single parent and I have made many sacrifices to give her a good education and have tried to instill a biblical worldview as I have raised her. I set a good example at home. I have worried that the lack of her having her father in her life would cause her to seek male affection from boys and have talked to her about sex. Most kids today don't feel oral sex is really having sex, but it is. The problem, I'm so hurt and angry that I want to say some REALLY ugly things to her (like my mom would have done me). I cry when I think about it and I hurt. I'm praying to the holy spirit to guide me.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/11/10
My adult son is visiting for a week from out-of-state and I find that he is highly critical of me. It is very difficult to have an adult conversation, expressing my own viewpoint, without him attacking me verbally for it being different than his. I feel like he is projecting his own feelings on to me. I'd like to make this a pleasant time for both of us to share but I'm not quite sure how to deal with the constant criticism. Can you offer some suggestions and/or articles to read? Thanks.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/02/10
I haven't given his supply back to him.It feels awful to me to do it..but I noticed he got more,it's in his room,didn't even have to look hard for it..So what if I send the message that it's not allowed in the house, he's not going to stop..I have NO control. So,the only thing I can see is giving it back and talking with him about it and now he is angry and closed to me and of course rebellious. I'll have to try and not worry about him having an asthma attack b/c of the smoking.He could die.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/01/10
i caught my son using pot last night.he was open to talking with me about it.i admitted my helplessness over not being able to control whether he does this but told him i cannot have him driving the car at all,that i would have to remove him from the insurance policy.he wants me to trust him that he would not smoke when he needs to drive.he is smoking a very small amount and making 1 joint last a week.LA says fine about talking/admitting helplessness over his decision,but necessity for boundaries.he talked quite openly about all the chaos in our lives and i am so glad for this.do i make any sense in trying to negotiate this minefield? i do need him to drive me to work sometimes-shared car,but wondering if this is a decision he cannot make and that i need to make as the adult here.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 07/29/10
Both of my children are at home this summer - we cannot afford the camp, and my teenager cousin is here to help me look after them. As I try to work from home ('try' because I haven't been productive since school ended), I'm feeling more and more fed up with my adopted child who is older. He is on my back asking for things, telling on and complaining about his younger brother, complaining about other things, and demanding my phone to play or videos or my computer from the moment he wakes up till the moment he falls asleep. I often feel irritated and angry with him, and shut myself off in my office or bedroom. But he only gets his perspective, and keeps nagging me and whining. (His emotional maturity is much younger than his real age). I don't want to hurt his feelings or give him more trauma that he'd endured already in his past life. I suggested that my husband takes him to his office for a day to give me a break, but he took it as a punishment, got upset, I canceled. What do i do?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 07/24/10
I have been a resentful, angry, depressed mess for a very long time. I have suffered severe bouts of Postpartum Depression and OCD. I've never quite gotten past this. I am so unavailable emotionally for my children. My toddler has begun to act out and I am sure that this has to do with my pawning her off on my 10year old to entertain. God that sounds so horrible. I have just not been able to cope, especially lately. I am new to IB but I now see all of the damage I have done to these sweet children (I also have a 14 year old boy). They worry about me and they try to make me happy. I feel like I need to talk to the older ones and apologize to them. Will this make things worse?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 07/22/10
My daughter is 7, she has a friend her age who we found out has twice asked my daughter to show her private parts to her, when they were alone. We saw it once and stopped it but when asking our daughter found out it had happened when they were alone before. My daughter felt coerced. I wonder what to do. We will talk gently with our daughter about this and let her know she should always say no and come to us immediately. We won't let her play alone with this girl anymore. Should we tell the kids Mother?- I'm inclined to do so.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 07/20/10
related to last relationship question. Boyfriend's 2 young adult kids live with him. My 19 year old lives 1/2 time with me. his 24 yr old daughter has panic disorder, once had anorexia and he was her primary caretaker because her mom left. he feels very protective of her. I think he is afraid to really "be' with me, or live with me, because he is afraid she won't be ok. His 26 yr old son is lawyer and will move out soon. I believe we can put our love and life first, and still be supportive of our kids' needs. He describes himself as "co-dependent" with his kids, but won't do any therapy or real in depth work to resolve. His kids are really negative, nasty at time, his daughter withdraws a lot, won't talk to him, but then gets hysterical about choosing colleges, and ropes him in. we lived together for 4 months 2 years ago and it went great, but he moved back home cuz his son wanted to live there. I want us to live together, though it probably won't make our kids happy. argh.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 07/17/10
My 19 yr old daughter is refusing to continue a restraining order against the boyfriend who threatens to commit suicide whenever they break up and is currently on probation for assaulting a female. This guy also tried to run over my daughter and my neighbor in his truck last week. My little girl is freaking out because she fears no one is safe. Not sure how to accomplish safety while doing what is in our highest good.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 07/15/10
I am shocked. I just came home (it is 9.30 pm) and my kids are sitting with their dad in front of the TV watching a movie where armed prisoners fight against the prison staff. The kids are on vacation, but still. They can watch some TV in the evening as they are on vacation, but something that brutal? I got angry and told my husband that I do not wish to see this again, but he argues that it is totally ok. I will ask him what made him decide to allow the kids to watch this kind of film? What else can I do?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 07/14/10
To end my message, should a loving action towards myself be about leaving the situation without a word when my son (who's seen a lot of trauma before and likes to be in charge) gets this way and ignore him, also ignore reinforcing his hygiene routine? It's difficult because My WS gets furious, making me believe that I am letting my son run the house. I am reading "Parenting with Love and Logic', but I've no idea what self-teaching consequences/failures there could be for not brushing teeth (we have already spent hundreds on fixing his teeth) or not showering or not cutting nails. I don't feel like being micromanaging a 9 year old but I don't see an alternative.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 07/13/10
I've been doing IB for a few months now, with and without facilitator's help. I am however continuing to be badly triggered into my WS by my adopted son's challenging behavior, backtalking and anger. When in response to my request/instruction, he immediately talks back, with anger or rapproach in his voice, I fall into a WS state and find hard to come out. Through doing IB I realised that his backtalking and anger brings out strong childhood feelings of rejection, disrespect and fear inside me. Usually that dynamic gets escalated before bedtime. If it's one incident, I sometimes manage to reassure my IC about her worth and stay connected. But often he gets very difficult and challenges every request of mine (cut your nails, shower). This is very frustrating to me, I am at my wits ends, and I don't know how NOT to react to my son's provocative words/gestures/body language. It feels like as if he uses his anger on purpose, as if invites my WS to fight with him, to see if he wins.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 07/13/10
could you recommend a good book or other resources that would be helpful for adult children of parents who are separating/divorcing? thanks
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 07/05/10
Margaret, thank you for recommending Parenting with Love and Logic book. It has lots of useful stuff. I am however still quite controlling towards my children. And I still get strongly triggered by my 11 year old, almost daily. Before I know it, there was a passing thought in my mind (I am not aware of it in the moment)and I am in my WS scolding and shaming him. He reacts with provocative hurtful words and angry looks and that sets my WS or IC off to protect myself by attacking him. Afterwards I feel awful. This is totally ruining my life. I tried to do IB with facilitator in training I'm working with, and did get a bit of sense how his anger reminds me the past anger that was showered on me by my parents and siblings. I probably abandon my IC when I am with my son. I also have rigid rules about what kids should do. There's also probably anger at my child at some level. I understand it all but what can I do to stop myself getting so strongly triggered in the moment? How to stay mindful.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/21/10
I have a 7 year old son who is mildly Autistic and ADHD. Last night his father attempted suicide. This is the second time. He had addiction problems when we were married but in the last 4 years he has become violent with his current wife. He hit her in front of my son when he was 5. His problems escalated when his father committed suicide. I found out last night that he had driven my son home while he was drunk. Now, as you can imagine, he won't be able to see my son for a while. I know what to say to my son. Can you give me advice on how to care for my son as, I guess, his wounded child is being developed? I am afraid for him. What can I do for him?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/21/10
I have a daughter (8) and a son (5). How does it come that I seem to be much more understanding with my boy and much stricter with my daughter? Anything to do with my own upbringing? Do you have any tips on how to equal this out?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/20/10
My eight year old has an intense fear of getting shots. I have tried to distract him, comfort him, validate his feelings, humor him, promise something fun afterwards - everything - but he still gets so anxious. He tells me that he knows that it won't hurt much, but that he can't control the terror that he feels inside. He feels ashamed of crying even though I tell him repeatedly that I get scared, too and that he does not need to feel embarrassed. For his latest shot, I didn't tell him that we were going to the doctor's office until we were almost there. I did it to reduce the time that he would work himself up. I felt a little dishonest. I asked him if he wanted to know about a shot appointment and he said that he didn't know. Is it healthy to hide this information from him? Also, can you recommend any advice on lessening the panic and anxiety?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/15/10
How can I talk to my older teenager about him using pot? It doesn't seem that I can prohibit or control it.I want to say that I am aware "you are doing this" and I don't like it,I worry about your body,"etc..but other than this,I don't know what else to say,but I don't want to be permissive.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/15/10
It seems to be almost impossible to get my two kids (8 and 6)to bed in summer. They want to watch the world championship in soccer and we allow them to do this every now and then. However, it usually ends in a way that my husband has to grab them and bring them to their room because they do not want to go (although previously discussed and agreed upon with a time frame e.g. 10 min.)? They then scream and shout. Shall we say no to them watching the soccer games or what else can we do?
Read the answer by Sylvia Poareo - 06/14/10
Are destructive self beliefs automatically passed on to our children if we do not deal with them and eliminate them?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/14/10
How can I teach my small children (6 and 9 y) the concept of Inner Bonding apart from role modeling it? I realise that I am not doing what is loving to me (e.g. to not go to all of their school events), because I do not want to disappoint them. Can I teach them the concept of Inner Bonding in a simple way (if yes, how) to deal with this disappointment?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/10/10
Our beautiful daughter just graduated from middle school and will have a busy summer before she starts 9th grade in August. We've always spent a lot of time together and always had a close relationship, and suddenly I'm feeling very sad as she is getting busier and not home nearly as much as in the past. I know that she'll always love and need me because I'm her mother, but I'm unsure about how to deal with my own mini-empty-nest syndrome. I don't want to make her responsible for my feelings, and I want to be as loving and supportive an adult as I can. She is my only child, and I'm wondering if I have become too dependent on her as my husband's and my marriage relationship has crumbled in many ways. She knows we are working on this and tells me sometimes that it makes her sad that her dad and i are not getting along as well as in the past. I'm feeling that old abandonment and wish I weren't, because I know my daughter is not abandoning me, she's simply growing up.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/09/10
We are living in a relatively small apartment. We had a big house before, but it may take time to find one here in this new location. Especially when their dad is around, the kids are screaming, shouting and arguing like mad. I hate the screaming and arguing and try to explain to them that they can scream when they play outside, but it does not help. Nothing changes. What can I do or what am I not doing?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/07/10
I'm wrestling with my decision to refuse to cart my son to work because of his disrespect.I had asked him to take out the trash,which is one of two jobs he is asked to do around the house,his obstinance about this angers me,as I do most of the household stuff to begin with.I called him a brat out of my frustration that he refused to take it out after being home all day and it was midnight and garbage pickup day.He retaliated in turn by calling me a bitch.I could have slapped him into next week,like I would have been by my parents.Instead,I told him I'm not available to take him to work today.I just feel awful about this interaction,but feel I must draw the line somewhere.What are your thoughts?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/04/10
I have two boys, ages 12 and 15 and encourage them to take responsibility for their feelings. I do not want to be controlling. I struggle with allowing them to make their own choices and mistakes especially with making friends. When they were younger I would arrange play dates but now they have to make their own arrangements. I encourage them and offer to have friends over etc. My older son did not make friends in middle school and was hospitalized for suicidal thoughts. He has issues and can be difficult. He does not have friends and i worry that my younger son is taking care of his brother instead of making friends. My younger son is in middle school now and seems to have friends but does not invite them over or make plans. He seems happy and is in therapy to help deal with his brothers issues and divorce issues. My issue is that i worry and cry about them and feel like I should do more but I know that it is their life so how do I let go and not worry?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/02/10
A friend that I work with has recently been expressing concern about her two year old son's behavior. Apparently he was been biting other children at the daycare. Mom is very frustrated and asked for suggestions among the office. I was upset by many of them, which included things like biting him back and putting tabasco sauce on his tongue. Do you have any suggestions that I can share with my friend? Thanks so much
Read the answer by Sylvia Poareo - 06/02/10
I have two daughters, 13 and 11. I have recently gone through a divorce two years ago. My ex husband cheated throughout our marriage and is currently dating one of the women he had a long term affair with. I want to tell my daughters to not to share with me the things that happen or are happening at their father's house until I am in a healthy enough state to hear about them, however I want to be there in support of my children. I know I must do what is healthy for me, but don't want to do an injustice to my children. Am I making the right decision? Is this a selfish act? Am I performing an injustice toward my children?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 05/31/10
I forgot to mention that while my son does all the above, I also feel anxiety and fear to be judged by my husband (he has done that in the past and perceives me himself as controlling because of his own stuff). I think my son picks up on my inner fears and gets bolder. When I try to humm my happy song and ignore his negativity, he steps it up... until I explode, get angry and react. What do I do not to take it personally and not to feel judged? After I get angry at my son for being disrespectful and angry, I ground him, take away computer times, etc. It doesn't seem to help because it makes him stay in WS for longer. I don't know how else to take care of myself and start trusting in my parenting style and decisions in the face of this negativity.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 05/29/10
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