DAILY INSPIRATION

We all need reminders throughout the day to remember love, remember Spirit, remember God. Today, sprinkle your home, your car and your workspace with little reminders - notes, flowers and small objects of beauty to remind you to open your heart to learning, to love, to God.

By Dr. Margaret Paul
 
 
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Click to Explore SelfQuest - Computer Assited Growth and Discovery program
 

Laughs

Laughs

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I agree with the terms of the Inner Bonding Village user agreement
 


42 LAUGHS
Laughs


 
THE FINAL EXAM

At Penn State University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all
of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident that,
the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big
party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all
day Sunday and didn't make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would
explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited
friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the
final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys
were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.

The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test
booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they
thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy....then
they turned the page. On the second page was written....

For 95 points: Which tire?_________

A Biker and His Babe

See what we have to look forward to....

 

 

biker and babe


I LOVE OLD PEOPLE
 
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chick ens an d a goose.
However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked,
'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?
The farmer said,
'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.
The old lady suggested,
'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?
Why thank you very much, he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says,
'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said,
'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?
The farmer said,
'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?
The old lady replied,
'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens!


 THE BOTTLE OF WINE



Mary was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.


With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Mary tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Mary.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

Mary looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

'Good trade.....'

  


 A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man  opposite
 her was smiling at her.  She immediately moved to another seat. This
 time  the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more
 amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained
 to the driver and he had the man arrested.

 The case came up in court.

 The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for
 himself.

 The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady
 got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.

 She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are
coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will
 reduce the swelling and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sig n that said, 'William's
 Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

 But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign
 that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just
 lost it."

 CASE DISMISSED.


Today at the Presidents' morning briefing, with tensions high concerning the number of injured and deceased in Iraq and Afghanistan, one of his advisors mentioned that two Brazilians had been killed in one of the larger operations. The President covered his face and sobbed, "My God!, remind me again, how many zeros are there in a brazillion?



You know if somebody is from Colorado if....


1. 98% of Americans say "OH poopie" before going into a ditch on a slippery road. The other 2 % are from Colorado and they say "WATCH THIS".

2. You'll eat ice cream in the winter

3. When the weather report say's it's going to be 55 degrees and the girls shave their legs and wear a skirt

4. It snows 5 inches and you don't expect school to be canceled

5. You'll wear flip flops every day of the year, regardless of temperature

6. You have no accent at all, but can hear other people's. And then you make fun of them

7. Humidity is over 25%

8. Your sense of direction is: Toward the mountains and Away from the mountains

9. You say "the interstate" and everybody knows which one

10. You think that May is totally normal for a blizzard

11. You grew up planning your Halloween costume around your coat

12. You know what Continental Divide is

13. You don't think Coors beer is that big a deal

14. You went to Casa Bonita as a kid

15. You've gone off-roading in a vehicle that was never intended for such activities

16. You always know the elevation of where you are

17. You wake up to beautiful 80 degree day and wonder if it's going to snow tomorrow

18. You don't care that some company renamed it, the Broncos still play at Mile High

19. Every movie theater has military and student discounts

20. Everybody wears jeans to church

21. You actualy know that South Park is a real place not just a show on TV

22. You know what "trust fund hippy" is, and you know its natural habitat is Boulder

23. You know you're talking to fellow Coloradoan when they call it Elitches, not a Six Flags

24. A bear on your front porch doesn't bother you

25. Your favorite team is Broncos and whoever is beating the crap out of the Raiders

26. You've been to the original Chipotle near DU campus on Evans

27. When people out East tell you they have mountains in their state too, you just laugh

28. You go anywhere else on the planet and the air feels "sticky" and you notice the sky is no longer blue.


Best greetings from Colorado

Ask a silly question ...

I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that 'no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.'

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food.

I told her 'no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my private parts and a car hit me.'

I thought the guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Silly woman ... why else would I buy dog food??


A man called home to his wife and said, ' Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends .

We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up'
' Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. '

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, 'Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a fewSwordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to Do?'

You'll love the answer...





The wife replied, 'I did. They're in your fishing box .'
Never Lie To A Woman...!!!


A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope,
propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands
and read
the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope
with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and
you.
I have been finding real passion with Karen and she is so nice. But I
knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos,
tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.
Karen said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the
whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children. Karen has opened my eyes
to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing
it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby
for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will
find a cure for AIDS so Karen can get better.

She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday
I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to
know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a
report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home

One of life’s greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn’t good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.

gas



What’s For Dinner


A concerned husband went to the doctor to talk about his wife.

He said to the doctor, “I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.”

“Well,” the doctor replied, “go home tonight, stand about 15 feet from her, and say something. If she doesn’t reply, move 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this until we get an idea about the severity of her deafness.”

The husband went home and did exactly as the doctor had instructed. He started off 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she was chopping some vegetables.

He said, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

He heard no response. He moved 5 feet closer and asked again. No reply. He moved 5 feet closer. Still no reply.

He finally got fed up and moved right behind her, about an inch away, and asked again, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

She replied, “For the fourth time, vegetable stew!”


Sick Leave?

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would
not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY"
then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside-down
on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the
Boss might think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked,
What in the name of heaven are you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb. He said, "You are clearly stressed out.
Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".
I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her
"...And where do you think you're going?"

(You're gonna love this..... )

She said, "I'm going home, too; I can't work in the dark."

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
 
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
 
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
 
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
 
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
 
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
 
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."


JUST A TAP ON THE SHOULDER

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped
just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry,
but you scared the dayl ights out of me.'

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder
could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab..............I've
been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'




THE NEW FIVE DOLLAR BILL:

 

NEW 5


Inner Child Credit Card

oh-oh kitty

church sign

spy

cat hanger


Those wonderful Church bulletins! Thank God for church  ladies with
typewriters.
These notices (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared
in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

--------------------------
 The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
 --------------------------
 The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight:
'Searching
for Jesus.'
 --------------------------
 Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of  those
 things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
-------------------------- 
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
 --------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.
 --------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
 --------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help
they can get.
 --------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in  the church.
So
ends a friendship that began in their school days.
 --------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
 --------------------------
Scouts are  saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds
will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person
you
want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment  and
gracious
hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may
be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from
the
Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend 
him
their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self  Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please  use the
back
door.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please
use
large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last
Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

12
 

A Testimonial

"[Of most value was] The combination of conceptual understanding and practice, all in bite-size learning chunks. Inner Bonding is a psycho-spiritual technology that should be in every therapist's toolbox, and deserves a special place in the lives of all pursuing self-development!" Los Angeles Workshop, Feb. 2000

David Grudermeyer, Ph.D.,Psychologist
Del Mar,CA