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THE FINAL EXAM At Penn State University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident that, the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam. The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy....then they turned the page. On the second page was written.... For 95 points: Which tire?_________ | |
A Biker and His Babe
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I LOVE OLD PEOPLE A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chick ens an d a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane? The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot. The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand? Why thank you very much, he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says, 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time. The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me? The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that? The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens! | |
THE BOTTLE OF WINE Mary was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Mary tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Mary. 'What in bag?' asked the old woman. Mary looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.' The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: 'Good trade.....' | |
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Today at the Presidents' morning briefing, with tensions high concerning the number of injured and deceased in Iraq and Afghanistan, one of his advisors mentioned that two Brazilians had been killed in one of the larger operations. The President covered his face and sobbed, "My God!, remind me again, how many zeros are there in a brazillion? | |
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You know if somebody is from Colorado if.... 1. 98% of Americans say "OH poopie" before going into a ditch on a slippery road. The other 2 % are from Colorado and they say "WATCH THIS". 2. You'll eat ice cream in the winter 3. When the weather report say's it's going to be 55 degrees and the girls shave their legs and wear a skirt 4. It snows 5 inches and you don't expect school to be canceled 5. You'll wear flip flops every day of the year, regardless of temperature 6. You have no accent at all, but can hear other people's. And then you make fun of them 7. Humidity is over 25% 8. Your sense of direction is: Toward the mountains and Away from the mountains 9. You say "the interstate" and everybody knows which one 10. You think that May is totally normal for a blizzard 11. You grew up planning your Halloween costume around your coat 12. You know what Continental Divide is 13. You don't think Coors beer is that big a deal 14. You went to Casa Bonita as a kid 15. You've gone off-roading in a vehicle that was never intended for such activities 16. You always know the elevation of where you are 17. You wake up to beautiful 80 degree day and wonder if it's going to snow tomorrow 18. You don't care that some company renamed it, the Broncos still play at Mile High 19. Every movie theater has military and student discounts 20. Everybody wears jeans to church 21. You actualy know that South Park is a real place not just a show on TV 22. You know what "trust fund hippy" is, and you know its natural habitat is Boulder 23. You know you're talking to fellow Coloradoan when they call it Elitches, not a Six Flags 24. A bear on your front porch doesn't bother you 25. Your favorite team is Broncos and whoever is beating the crap out of the Raiders 26. You've been to the original Chipotle near DU campus on Evans 27. When people out East tell you they have mountains in their state too, you just laugh 28. You go anywhere else on the planet and the air feels "sticky" and you notice the sky is no longer blue. Best greetings from Colorado | |
Ask a silly question ... I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that 'no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.' I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her 'no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my private parts and a car hit me.' I thought the guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door. Silly woman ... why else would I buy dog food?? | |
A man called home to his wife and said, ' Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends . We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up' ' Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. ' The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, 'Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a fewSwordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to Do?' You'll love the answer... The wife replied, 'I did. They're in your fishing box .' Never Lie To A Woman...!!! | |
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter. Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Karen and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Karen said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Karen has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Karen can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your Son John PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home | |
One of life’s greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn’t good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world. | |
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What’s For Dinner A concerned husband went to the doctor to talk about his wife. He said to the doctor, “I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.” “Well,” the doctor replied, “go home tonight, stand about 15 feet from her, and say something. If she doesn’t reply, move 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this until we get an idea about the severity of her deafness.” The husband went home and did exactly as the doctor had instructed. He started off 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she was chopping some vegetables. He said, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” He heard no response. He moved 5 feet closer and asked again. No reply. He moved 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He finally got fed up and moved right behind her, about an inch away, and asked again, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” She replied, “For the fourth time, vegetable stew!” | |
Sick Leave? I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off. A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, What in the name of heaven are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days". I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "...And where do you think you're going?" (You're gonna love this..... ) She said, "I'm going home, too; I can't work in the dark." | |
WIFE VS. HUSBAND A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws." | |
JUST A TAP ON THE SHOULDER | |
THE NEW FIVE DOLLAR BILL:
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2nd Amendment | |
| Laughing Man An operations manager for Jack In The Box was late for a meeting and called his boss to tell him he was running late. As he was leaving the voice mail message, he witnessed an accident and went on to provide "play by play" of the incident. This is the actual voice mail message. It was passed along and forwarded so many times within Jack in the Box, it crashed their voice mail server.
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| Manic Diagnosis The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?" A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?" | |
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