Would the prince have chosen Cinderella to marry if she was a miserable young woman? If her stepsisters were beautiful but miserable, would he have chosen either of them?
Are you living under the delusion that when you meet your soul mate you will finally be happy - that your misery is because you are not in a relationship or not in the right relationship? If this is you, you might be interested in what I have discovered in my 42 years of counseling individuals and couples.
Most people who are happy in their marriages were ALREADY HAPPY before meeting their spouse! Happy people make happy marriages. Unhappy people either don't marry or generally continue to be unhappy after getting married.
While Cinderella wasn't happy with her circumstances, inside she was a loving, happy person. And so was the prince. "Happily ever after" is often not the result of getting married, but the result of two basically happy people getting married to each other!
Over and over I hear from my clients: "I need a relationship to be happy." Over and over I say to them, "Focus on learning how to make yourself happy now and then you might find the relationship you are seeking."
If you think about it, it makes sense. If you were a basically happy person, would you be attracted to a basically unhappy person? Not likely.
When you make your happiness dependent upon another person, you are handing them responsibility for your emotional wellbeing. Why would someone else want this responsibility? And, since we are attracted to each other at our common level of woundedness, the chances are that the person you are attracted to and who is attracted to you is also looking to you to take responsibility for their emotional wellbeing. This is called a codependent relationship, not a happy relationship, and definitely not happily ever after.
There is certainly nothing wrong with wanting a wonderful relationship. But the chances of finding that wonderful relationship if you are unhappy is slim. When you are already happy, then you want a relationship to share your love, your happiness, your joy, your learning and growth, and your interests. When you are unhappy, the chances are you are looking for a relationship to make you happy, and this is likely not going happen.
Back to Cinderella. Because she was a caring person, she tried very hard to make her stepmother and her stepsisters happy. But they were never happy. Why? Because they were angry and blaming people, making Cinderella responsible for their happiness. No matter how kind and wonderful she was, it did not matter, because their misery was created by their own beliefs and ways of treating themselves and others.
The same is true in today's relationships. I have worked with many people who were never happy, no matter what their partner did to make them happy. As long as they were judging themselves and others instead of learning how to take responsibility for their own feelings, they were sad, empty, alone inside, hurt and/or angry. As long as they looked outside themselves for the source of their unhappiness, they were stuck being unhappy.
The way out of this unhappiness is to learn how to take 100% responsibility for your own pain and your own joy. Anyone can learn to do this, but, if you are stuck in the false belief that you need the right relationship in order to be happy, then you will likely not be motivated to learn how to do this.
The Inner Bonding process is powerful for learning how to take 100% responsibility for your feelings. Our membership site is especially helpful in supporting you in doing this.
By Dr. Margaret Paul
2049 Hit(s)
April 13, 2009
- Comments
-
lindsayswisdom - 04/13/2009 08:58 PM
ahh,Cinderella realized she was very much lovable and loved,despite all the traps the (woundedself)stepsisters set for her...makes me want to call my Guidance,think she'll answer to "bibity,bobbity,boo?" -
Dr.Margaret - Durango - 04/13/2009 09:35 PM
Of course she will! Like Cinderella, the key is to have no doubt - to have 100% absolute faith! Imagine...she felt lovable and loved even though no one in her environment loved her. -
lindsayswisdom - 04/14/2009 08:03 AM
I wonder if the glass slippers mean to be grounded in clarity and trust, each step is about really not having any control over what might happen? -
danalala - Northampton - 04/14/2009 10:37 AM
Thanks, Margaret. Great illustration of the truth in that fairy tale! I have definitely experienced this in my own life: When I met my wonderful boyfriend, it was a night that I remember feeling very fulfilled, excited, attractive, safe, loving, and lovable (i.e. happy). Then here was this happy, present, authentic guy who I enjoyed connecting with right off the bat! And he totally remembers how attracted he was to my energy - and kindly asked me out on a date two days later. I also had the benefit of hindsight: experiencing the contrast between this happy guy, and the miserable/stuck guy from a recent & brief romantic acquaintance. With the miserable/stuck guy, I totally adored and was attracted to his essence, but felt totally lonely and un-met. There was really nothing romantic about that! I faced that it was NOT what I wanted, and ended it. It was a messy and challenging learning process, but I did it. Without all the healing I've done with Inner Bonding, I could have stayed in and suffered indefinitely -- and missed out on connecting with the love of my life! Mike (my current partner) and I share and expand each other's general state of happiness. It's beautiful! -
Dr.Margaret - Durango - 04/14/2009 01:22 PM
Jen, what a great way to see the glass slipper! Dana, I'm so delighted to hear about your wonderful relationship! -
Shining Star - 04/14/2009 04:30 PM
Dr.Margaret, thank you for this great Innerbonding undersanding of Cinderella! I so very often read stories and meet people who I feel would benefit from knowing about Innerbonding. If appropriate, I will mention the site or your book Healing Your Aloneness to get them started. I share in your aspirations of the world being a better place with the healing of their own innerchildern and woundedness. At this time I am working hard at improving my relationships and I wonder if you could expand on the understanding that we attract people into our lives at the same level of woundedness. Is it possible to attract a friend that is not in a state of woundedness but you are?
Shining Star -
maha2us - North Chelmsford - 04/16/2009 07:15 PM
Hi Dr: M
This is a good article by which one can understand the fairytale Cinderella. Of course Cinderella did everything to keep her step mom and her step sisters happy. What is great about her is she never cared about their bad feelings or expected herself to be obliged to make them happy. She also felt she never was in need of them which is a real great trait. Also she felt she deserved the best the World could offer for her when she called on the hazelnut tree to shower the best of the garment for her. She was undaunted as she chose to attend the ball room party of the Prince though it is easy to be discouraged by those around us based on her conditions.
Cheers and Hugs,
Mahadevan Venkitaraman
-
Dr.Margaret - Durango - 04/16/2009 08:05 PM
Thanks Mahadevan! Shining Star, a person who is taking responsibility for their feelings and is not codependent, is not going to be attracted to someone who isn't taking responsibility for their feelings and is codependent. - Add a comment