"My husband never lets me explain anything to him. It's so frustrating! He makes these statements that are blaming and attacking and then he won't listen to me when I'm trying to explain."
"Why do you want to explain?"
"I NEED to explain because he is not seeing things accurately. He is making assumptions that are not accurate."
"So you want to explain to get him to see things differently than he does."
"Yes."
"Isn't this, then, a form of control? Aren't you trying to get him to change how he sees things, or how he feels about you?"
"Well, yeah, but he doesn't have all the information he needs."
"So he is blaming you as his form of control, and you are explaining as your form of control - is that right?"
"Um….I don't know. I never thought of explaining as a form of control."
"Aren't you trying to change his mind - change how he sees things?"
"Yes, I guess so. But is that wrong?"
"It is neither right or wrong. But is it working for you?"
"No! He won't listen to me."
"Do you think it is possible that he won't listen to you because he doesn't want to be controlled by you? He doesn't want you trying to talk him out of how he sees things?"
"Yes. That is actually what he says. But I'm just trying to give him the facts, the truth."
"The problem is that he does not want the facts. He is not asking you for the facts. When he is attacking and blaming, he just wants to control you. He is not interested in learning. And neither are you. You are just trying to get him to see the "facts" as you see them."
"Oh, I see this now. But what should I do when he is attacking and blaming and not seeing me or seeing things accurately?"
"How does it feel in your heart when he attacks and blames? Take a moment to tune inside and see what your heart feels when he is so unloving to you."
"Oh, I feel awful. I feel so angry and hurt."
"Look under the anger and hurt feelings. What other feelings are you covering over with your anger and hurt? Tune into your heart. What do you feel in your heart?"
"……I feel sad. And helpless. I hate feeling helpless. And my heart hurts."
"Yes, that is heartache. You feel heartache. And this is a very painful feeling, so you are covering it up with your anger. Right now, put your hands over your heart, breathing into your heart. Open to your Guidance, inviting in compassion for your heartache. Be very gentle, tender, and kind with yourself. Take a minute to do this…..Now what are you feeling?"
"I feel lighter."
"Great. So here is what I suggest you practice. Instead of explaining and defending next time your husband attacks you and blames you, put your hand on your heart and say, 'Your attacking energy is hurting my heart, so I’m going to go into the other room. I'd be happy to talk about it when you are ready to be open and caring.' Then disengage and take a few minutes to bring compassion into your heart. Don't discuss the issue until both of you are open to learning. Are you willing to try this?"
"Yes, I am. I can feel the sense of relief inside. Now that I see what you mean, I can see that explaining is never going to get me anywhere. But is there ever a time to explain?"
"Yes. When both of you are open, then you can explain things from your point of view, as well as try to understand things from his point of view. Both of you will learn new things and will likely be able to easily resolve the issue. But there is no point in explaining until both of you are open."
By Dr. Margaret Paul
3819 Hit(s)
January 04, 2010
- Comments
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lindsayswisdom - 01/04/2010 08:18 AM
"It is neither right or wrong.Is it working?".Great sentence to keep in my thoughts today. -
flowerpot - 01/04/2010 09:49 AM
I love this too, such a helpful question! Thank you -
scout - 01/04/2010 05:43 PM
I really like this too. I wish it was something I could use at work when my boss is in a blaming/attacking mode. Because she is rarely interested in understanding and getting an explanation. No matter what at least your advice here reminds me not to waste energy trying to explain. -
Leigh0206 - Farmington - 01/05/2010 09:24 AM
My husband is always blaming and attacking me too.
But he never comes to a point of calmness in which he is open to calmly talking. It just doesn't happen. Dr. Margaret what do you suggest in this case? -
pinkflower3 - Hemlock - 01/05/2010 09:50 AM
This was very helpful. Thank you. I realize that I do this at times with my teenage children......but never really thought it as control. -
lindsayswisdom - 01/05/2010 10:27 AM
me too Pink.I think I've slightly improved a bit by asking them if I can tell them my point of view,but this is still controlling.How do we wrestle with being parents and not controlling??? It's so challenging!!! -
Dr.Margaret - Durango - 01/05/2010 11:06 AM
Leigh, you need to explore how his attacking and blaming is working for him and shift your own reactions. When it no longer works for him to attack and blame you, then he may approach conflict differently, but you first need to look at how you are participating in this. Jen, does controlling work, or does it just create resistance? If you really accept that it doesn't work, then it is easier to apply the principles of Love and Logic. -
Phyllis - St. Louis - 01/05/2010 12:01 PM
One of the important aspects of this for me is that when you start explaining and your partner tunes you out, if you continue, you are actually tuning yourself out because part of you KNOWS that you have no control over being heard, just as Jody said and instead of taking care of yourself, you try to live in a fantasy world where, just like in fairy tales, where if you find the one magic thing, in this case a good enough explanation, you will finally be heard and everything will be okay forever after. -
RevSusie - Carmel - 01/05/2010 03:18 PM
Wow. It really makes sense now. Wish I had been in IB when I was married to try this out. Of course, I have lots of other people in my life that I try to explain myself to -- and lose myself in the process. Very helpful. Thanks! Susie -
portereliz - Hampton - 01/06/2010 08:58 AM
Hello, I'm new to IB and this is my first post.This is an issue that I am currently dealing with in my relationship with my son. His attacking,blaming, and lying behaviour never fails to floor me and either leaves me feeling victimized and speechless or livid. At first, I could not react because I felt shocked that he would go to such lengths, then as I tried to understand the behaviour and began to ask him questions about why he chooses to attack,blame, and lie rather than accept responsibility for his choices and actions, his behaviour became even more intense. Most recently, I have begun to call him on this behaviour as it arises but this leaves me feeling angry and impotent. Nothing I do stops his behaviour. I want it to stop, it hurts. However, I feel that my only choice is to discontinue any relationship with him, if he were not my son, it would be easier to do this but, I can not cut off my relationship with my son. I love him and want him in my life, but not this behaviour. I need help, I can not see a way to work this out in my mind so that I can be at peace with it, and still have a loving relationship with my son. Any suggestions. -
Dr.Margaret - Durango - 01/06/2010 12:19 PM
You need to accept that you have no control over his behavior, but you do over yours. The moment you feel the hurt in your heart, you need to disengage with him in order to take loving care of yourself. You intent needs to change from getting him to change to taking loving care of yourself. You need to say to him, as you are disengaging, "It hurts my heart to be treated this way so I won't be around you when you are acting this way." Then disengage. Keep doing this each time he acts this way. I don't know how old he is, but if he is an adolescent or young man, you might want to read, Parenting Teens from Love and Logic, by Cline and Fay. You will find much helpful in this book, even if he is an adult. -
sela - mill valley - 01/06/2010 02:26 PM
i am working as a caregiver to a woman who is old and sick. she is also critical and carping. this is triggering in the extreme as it is the same as my mother's pathology. i have made some progress in some ways but it does get to me still. i cannot walk away from her. is there a good quick internal technique for tide me over until i can be by myself? -
Dr.Margaret - Durango - 01/07/2010 05:51 AM
Sela, the best thing is to immediately move into compassion for yourself. Your inner child need to know and feel that you care about how hard this is for her. There is much healing that can happen for you if you allow yourself to feel the heartache of this and care about your own core feelings. -
Nilima - Ontario - 01/07/2010 07:39 AM
I am finding this thread is connecting with me too, even with such small units of behaviour as getting an email from someone that has a slant that bothers me. What I really can feel is hurt in my heart, but go all over the place writing this and that, all because I am uncomfortable with things and wish I could somehow influence things or CHANGE the person. It doesn't even need to be blame I'm getting, just being seen in a limited view. There is a place for affirming myself a bit as well, which feels empowering. I don't know if this is clear, but I've learned a lot from this...to experience the hurt when someone reduces you or hurts you by their view, to look after my IC in those moments, feel the heartache. I have NOT been doing that. -
Dr.Margaret - Durango - 01/07/2010 09:09 AM
This is definitely the challenge, as we have been avoiding these core feelings of loneliness, heartache, and heartbreak our whole lives. There is so much freedom and empowerment in knowing that you now can manage these feelings with kindness and caring toward yourself. -
Nilima - Ontario - 01/07/2010 02:38 PM
I feel quite excited about this, as the aspect of IB regarding controlling others covering one's own feelings I hadn't really experienced directly until now. I really connect now the subtle attempts to influence someone on my part through comments or anything was absolutely ME trying to avoid feeling disappointed that they weren't how I wanted them to be. I could have stayed with that, but chose not to! It feels quite exciting and scary at the same time, because I'm realizing that people are very likely NOT who I want them to be for me, but there may be a lovely freedom in accepting people as they are and looking after my own needs. That line from years ago "Free to be you and me" comes to mind. I'm getting the sense too that having a larger circle of friends would be advisable so that one can enjoy different things with different people and not fuss about what one doesn't have with any one of them. That might be a Loving Action for myself. -
portereliz - Hampton - 01/07/2010 06:31 PM
What does it look like to have compassion and caring for ones IC, I want to do this. It sounds right for me, but I have no clue as to what having compassion for myself might look like, no model to work from. How can I come to understand how to apply these techniques to my self, Dr. Maragaret? -
Dr.Margaret - Durango - 01/07/2010 09:06 PM
Think about what it looks like for you to be caring, kind, tender, and gentle with a child who is hurting. Then take those same actions and bring them to your own feelings. When your intent is to be loving to yourself and you choose to be kind and caring with yourself, you will begin to feel the compassion in your heart. -
portereliz - Hampton - 01/08/2010 07:57 AM
Thank you, your description was helpful. :-) -
Evren - 01/08/2010 08:44 AM
Nilima- you said "I'm realizing that people are very likely NOT who I want them to be for me, but there may be a lovely freedom in accepting people as they are and looking after my own needs". This has been a revelation for me as well-my problem has been to take care of myself in the face of others demands on me. My usual response is that I let it all build up-sometimes for years and then when I have finally had enough I cut-off the relationship. I know now of course that if I had been taking care of myself to begin with and not care-taking others, I would never get to this point of no return. I'm doing better now that I know through IB that there is another way. I too think that having an expanded circle of friends is important. Each person brings out something different within you-thats the beauty of friendship. Namaste. Evren -
Perplexed - Victoria - 01/08/2010 08:52 AM
Great article and very engaging discussion. I just love how IB gives such practical advice to such difficult situations between partners in relationship. There really is no other place that I have ever found where one can find such good advice and such a community of insightful and caring people so willing to share their own struggles and successes. The key aspect of healthy relationships that always eluded my wife and I was a mutual return to the issue with an intent to learn. What a shame that this critical step eluded us! I really wanted it to be otherwise... That is my helplessness. - Add a comment