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The Key To Acceptance - Willingness to Feel Helpless

By Julia Padawer, M.A.
December 31, 2006



The key to accepting "difficult" situations is a willingness to feel our helplessness. When we finally surrender the need to control, we will likely be present to a deep sadness we haven't wanted to feel. But on the other side of the sadness is the peace and joy promised by every great religion and spiritual tradition.

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I just discovered that the key to accepting "difficult" situations is a willingness to feel our helplessness and then often, our ensuing sadness.

For years I have struggled with a very dysfunctional family.

My mother is a narcissistic, borderline, alcoholic with an obsessive compulsive personality. She also suffers from depression and anxiety. My father is very, very co-dependent and enmeshed. He has enabled my mother throughout their 40 year, highly conflictual marriage.

My whole life I have desperately wanted a loving healthy relationship with my family. While I knew that both my parents were deeply troubled, I was not able to fully accept that I would never have the kind of relationship with them that I longed for.

For years I kept trying to change them. And myself. I told myself that if I just healed enough and became evolved enough things would be different. Their behavior wouldn't bother me. I could go visit and stay at their house and their relentless screaming, my mother's extreme negativity, judgment and selfishness, and my father's denial and manipulation wouldn't rattle me in the least.

A friend of mine used to tell me "don't go to the hardware store to buy orange juice." He would say this as an entreaty for me not to turn to my parents for that which they could not give. I told him that made sense, unless of course sometimes they sell orange juice at the hardware store! What made my relationship with my parents so confusing was that at times they could be very loving in a perfectly healthy way. But inevitably it wouldn't last. At any minute, dysfunctional, crazy-making and hurtful behavior could rear its head.

But I kept going back. Kept trying. It seemed to make sense to me. If only I could just ______________ (fill in the blank) then I could have the relationship I wanted. Another way of saying this is that I believed I could control my parents and the kind of relationship I could have with them.

The insanity of my situation didn't fully hit me until a week ago as I watched a friend of mine struggle in a relationship with a deeply emotionally abusive man with a borderline personality. She was constantly walking on eggshells. Her boyfriend reminded me of the nursery rhyme about "the little girl with a little curl in the middle of her forehead - when she was good she was very, very good and when she was bad she was horrid." That pretty much described her boyfriend.

My friend kept getting sucked back into the relationship by repeatedly telling herself how wonderful he could be. She obsessed about how she could get him to change. How she herself could change. If only she didn't do x, y or z, then he wouldn't go off in unpredictable rages and then emotionally withdraw.

It was nuts. She was nuts. Oh my God...I was nuts!!!

It is always easier to see the truth for others than for ourselves. I could see her situation so clearly, but not my own. In one moment, however, I got it. Got how I had been doing with my parents for YEARS what she was doing with her boyfriend. I saw how I had not been willing to accept who and what my parents were.

I had to be willing to accept that I would never have the relationship with them that I dreamt of. They are just not capable of it. Accepting them would mean interacting with my parents in a radically different way. It means not turning to them for support when I am in am in need - physically, emotionally or financially. It means not sharing myself vulnerably and certain details of my life with them. For though they may be there for me sometimes, other times they are not. It is totally unpredictable. And taking care of myself is to not subject my "little girl" and myself to this kind of unreliability and instability.

The lesson I am meant to learn is NOT that if I become evolved enough the relationship will change. It is that if I become evolved enough I will accept that the relationship will NOT change. That was a hard pill to swallow. It is totally out of my control.

When I finally became willing to feel my helplessness over them and surrender my need to control my relationship with them, I was present to very, very deep sadness. Sadness that I haven't wanted to feel. But on the other side of the sadness was great joy.

Buddha taught that all human suffering results from attachment. Or, in the words of Inner Bonding words, our need to control. As soon as I accepted that I was in fact helpless and released the desire to control, the peace that every great religion and spiritual practice promises was mine. May it be yours.

 

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Comments

Author Comment Date

Phyllis
St. Louis Missouri
Julia

This is a fantastic article! I have sent it to and recommended it to several people. This issue is the Gordian knot that so many people are trying to cut, in their families, in their relationships, really in their lives. It is exactly what people that I am working with as a facilitator are trying to get. You make it SO clear what is going on and why we have to let go.

Thanks

Blessings

Phyllis
02/21/2007 12:52 PM

SLCBillyGirl
Salt Lake City
I too gained a lot of insight from the article. It has me thinking about a few things and people that I need to just let go.

Thanks, Mary
02/21/2007 12:54 PM

podgorica
Mississauga Canada
I printed out this article. I can so relate to it. My situation is even more challenging. Having loving father, and narcissistic mother I couldnt understand why she did not treat me as he did. I did all X, Y, and Z that she mentioned. Thanks Julia. 02/21/2007 02:40 PM

SLCBillyGirl
Salt Lake City
It really is an eye opener, that we don't need to do the X, Y and Z. Some one will like us or not. No matter what we do. I have had that thought process for a good part of my life. It is freeing to admit, I am helpless, leave it at that. 02/21/2007 07:24 PM

JuliaP
Venice California
Phyllis,

Thank you so much. I am so glad you got so much out of it!

Warmly,

Julia
02/23/2007 07:04 AM

Jimmy305
Miami Florida
Thanks for the article. It has some deep insights that will take a few re readings.

I had this thought that maybe so many turn to anger when they are hurt because anger is so "powerful", so "strong", compared to the intial feeling of hurt. I mean who wants to have "hurt" feelings when they could have big strong righteous feelings? Well, in the same way who wants to give up Control over others and instead admit they are helpless ? Who wants to be helpless compared to "large and in charge" type of feeling ? Lots to think about, thanks again, Jimmy.
03/16/2007 03:17 PM

mentalfloss
Portland Oregon
http://www.innerbonding.com/index.lasso?did=content&content.article=654

"I had to be willing to accept that I would never have the relationship with them that I dreamt of. They are just not capable of it. Accepting them would mean interacting with my parents in a radically different way. It means not turning to them for support when I am in am in need - physically, emotionally or financially. It means not sharing myself vulnerably and certain details of my life with them. For though they may be there for me sometimes, other times they are not. It is totally unpredictable. And taking care of myself is to not subject my "little girl" and myself to this kind of unreliability and instability.

The lesson I am meant to learn is NOT that if I become evolved enough the relationship will change. It is that if I become evolved enough I will accept that the relationship will NOT change. That was a hard pill to swallow. It is totally out of my control."

wow this is what I am struggling with in my relationship with my parents. My mother is bi-polar and cannot have a normal conversation where she asks me questions and is showing interest in my life. She just doesn't. She is narcissistic and talks about herself and everyone else. A lot of the times she doesn't even talk about how she is doing. Talking about feelings has never been in the picture either, that is why I struggle with talking about my feelings.
I have not spoken to my mother in over 2 years.
We have written in letters because at the time when I stopped speaking to her I was in therapy working through the painful feelings I have about growing up with the pain, the fear, of my mothers bi-polar disorder. In those letters I told her how I felt. She told me I was mean for writing all those things. But I told her that is how I feel and you are not used to hearing how I feel.
All of that past and then the letters of the "news, weather sports" type where all that we wrote.
The other day I received a letter from her, she said, will you call at least once this year.
I did call her Saturday... knowing I cannot change my relationship with my mother. I cannot get a mother I want her to be. There is just no way.
We spoke on the phone for about 40 minutes. She talked about her brothers and sisters. I asked how she was doing.. her knee, her back, what she does during the day. She answered then went back to talking about everyone else. During that call she asked me 2 things. What is your email address so I can give it to Tina (my cousin who is one year older than me 34), and later after a pregnant pause, have you went camping? Now I haven't spoken to her in over 2 years, I've moved to a different state, I've been ill with Adrenal Fatigue, I've gotten married, I have a new job.. many many other things.. and she asks me those two questions?! That's the way conversations are with her. I was disappointed, but knew that she doesn't listen to me much and she doesn't ask how I feel or about me much.
When I stopped talking to her via phone, was because I was so filled with disappointment, hurt, anger, because she doesn't listen to me when talking to her. I would be telling her something very important to me and she would cut me off mid sentence and say well I'm going to go watch George Bush speak on TV. This happened over and over and over.. so I said No more. Now I read this today after our conversation on Saturday. And I see that I am helpless, but do I want to continue talking to her on the phone? My feelings where not as raw this time, but over time, I am wondering if I will get right back to where I was.
Okay... this is long and I'll go now..
thanks for letting me share.
Kim
05/28/2007 08:56 AM

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