Daily InspirationWe do not cause others' wounded feelings - such as anxiety, depression, guilt, shame, anger, jealousy - or resulting behavior, nor do others cause our wounded feelings and behavior. Each of us has the free will to choose in each moment to be honest or dishonest, open or closed, accepting or judgmental, loving or unloving. Today, let go of trying to control others' feelings and behavior, and let go of blaming others for yours. By Dr. Margaret Paul
The Consequences of Permissive ParentingBy Dr. Margaret Paul
December 31, 2006
Permissive parenting may temporarily look like it is working for you, but there are many long-term negative consequences for both you and your children.
What Is Permissive Parenting?
You are being a permissive parent when you are compliant, indulgent or indifferent with your children. When you are being compliant, you are giving yourself up and going along with what your children want to avoid their upset with you. When you are being indulgent, you are giving in to your children, even when you know it is not good for them - again to avoid their upset. When you are being indifferent, you have withdrawn from being an involved parent and from being affected or concerned by your children's behavior.
Possible Negative Consequences to your Child Permissive Parenting
While giving in to your child may make you feel safe from conflict in the moment, there are many short and long term negative consequences of permissive parenting.
What are the negative consequences with your child?
- My child is demanding and disrespectful.
- My child has no regard for others wants and needs.
- My child sometimes acts like a selfish, self-centered brat.
- My child expects others to take responsibility for him or her.
- No matter how much I give my child, he or she is never happy. It never seems to be enough.
- Even though I am constantly giving to my child, my child is often angry with me.
- My child has no sense of self-discipline.
- My child lacks self-direction.
- My child is overly needy.
- My child is angry
- My child is depressed.
- My child expresses that he or she feels unloved.
- Even though I think I give my child everything, he or she seems to lack a sense of self-worth.
- My child does not care about his or her health and safety. My child:
Rides a motorcycle without a helmet
Drinks or uses drugs and drives
Has unprotected sex
Walks in dangerous areas
Possible Negative Consequences to you of Permissive Parenting
What seems easier for you in the short run may not work at all for you in the long run. What are some of the consequences to you?
- I feel trapped and used.
- I feel resentful.
- My child is often angry at me.
- My child often shuts me out.
- Parenting is not fun. It feels like a burden.
- I feel resentful toward my child.
- I feel tense, anxious, angry or frustrated.
- I feel like a failure as a parent.
- My child and I do not have fun together.
Parenting is supposed to be a fun and fulfilling experience, which is will be when you learn to be loving with both yourself and your children.
Permissive parenting has created a generation of entitled children. These are the young adults who think they do not have to work hard to get where they want to go. Because their parents did not follow through with consequences for unacceptable behavior, these people think they can get away with mediocre effort, and are angry and demanding when they don't get their way.
Permissive parenting often creates self-centered and irresponsible children and adults.
What To Do?
Permissive parents are often more concerned with how their children feel about them than with taking a loving care of themselves. You will continue to be compliant and indulgent with your children as long as trying to control how they feel about you is more important to you than taking responsibility for your own wellbeing.
When you decide to take responsibility for yourself - for your happiness, safety, self-worth and inner peace - you will learn how to set appropriate limits with your children. When your wellbeing is important to you, you will no longer allow your children to treat you with disrespect.
If you want to move beyond permissive parenting, it will be helpful to read parenting books and take parenting classes to learn how to be loving to yourself and to your children.
Join Dr. Margaret Paul for her 30-Day at-home Course: "Love Yourself: An Inner Bonding Experience to Heal Anxiety, Depression, Shame, Addictions and Relationships."
Join IBVillage to connect with others and receive compassionate help and support for learning to love yourself.
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