Loss of Friendship

By Dr. Margaret Paul
November 14, 2007

Are your old friendships falling away as you practice Inner Bonding? Are you feeling afraid that you will end up alone? Then this article is for you!

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Have you noticed that as you do your Inner Bonding work, your relationships change or fade or even vanish? Have you wondered why you might have fewer friends now than you did before you started on a healing process? Have you felt that you needed to reach out and try to make things right again in your friendships, yet found yourself not knowing how to do this, or even if doing this is what you really want? Are you telling yourself that if you don't fix these friendships you will end up alone with no friends?

Most of the people I work with go through a period where they seem to have no friends. If their old friends have not joined them on a healing journey, they find that they no longer have much in common with them.

When you do Inner Bonding consistently, your frequency gets higher. The old saying "Birds of a feather flock together" is actually very true when it comes to relationships. We enjoy being with people whose vibration is similar to ours. So it makes sense that if you have been doing Inner Bonding and your friends haven't, your frequencies may no longer line up. While you may still love your old friends, you might find that you just don't connect with them the way you used to. As much as you may want to make things "right" you know that you really can't - that there is nothing you can do to have the same level of connection as you did before with some of your old friends and even with some members of your family. This doesn't mean that you need to let go of your old friends or family members. It means that you need to accept the level of loneliness or disconnection that you have with them and not expect it to be different than it is. It means that you need to learn how to manage feelings of loneliness and disconnection with others.

The challenge is to have the faith that new friends will eventually come into your life. I reassure people over and over that new friends WILL come in - it will just take time. Since "like attracts like", you will eventually draw in people with whom you can connect on the deeper level that you may now be wanting in your relationships.

Instead of scaring your inner child with statements such as "We will end up alone without friends," or telling yourself that "there must be something wrong with me that I don't have any friends or that I can't connect with my friends anymore, " or "I have to do something to fix my old friendships but I don't know what to do," it would be far better to tell yourself that it is normal for friendships to change as you change, and that new friends are coming.

You might want to consider putting yourself into those situations where you are likely to meet like-frequency people. Sometimes people find their new close friends at Inner Bonding Intensives. Others find them at progressive churches or synagogues. Doing things you love to do is a great way of meeting like-minded/like-frequency people. But the main issue is your thinking. If you listen to your Guidance, your Guidance might be telling you that it feels more honest to connect with people out of caring than from the compulsion to make things right again or from the fear of being alone. Your Guidance might be telling you to have patience - that you are a good person and a great friend and that there is no doubt that new people are coming into your life.

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Comments

Author	Comment	Date
mentalfloss Portland Oregon	Phyllis you are right.... I do have the idea that if I were good enough people would never leave me.. I have felt that many of times... but it was her that had an issue and chose not to bring it up with me and explore it. I know I had tried.. and wrote her a few letters while she was still living at my house, since she was never there during waking hours towards the end. Ever since then I have had difficulty wanting to have close friends.. maybe I end up finding people who don't really want to connect and talk to me on a long term friendship. I do have one girl friend who I met when we both lived in IL... we still keep in touch after 13 years. But pretty much I feel I just wait for the "other shoe to drop" when I am in a friendship.. even my marriage. The abandonment issue is strong with me. My mother or father were not there for me emotionally. My father took good physical care of me, but there was little help with school work, socially, and emotionally. My mother wasn't there for me physically either... we don't have a close relationship now that I have moved out and been on my own. I feel like there are so many reasons and obstacles in my way with friendships and close relationships. So I tend to keep to myself. I have learned to enjoy my owe company because I was alone a lot as a child as well. I see Aloneness mentioned in Inner Bonding, but I'm unsure about that part. I think I need to buy one of the books.. which one is the best in detail of IB? thanks	12/02/2007 08:34 PM
SharonPearson Oakville Indiana	I want to suggest the Healing Your Aloneness Workbook too. It has the processes of connecting to your essence and reflects on the truths we often need to be reminded of. The anger process is a powerful tool to finding the answers to ongoing negative feeling and conflict in relationships. Blessings on your way! Sharon [quote author=mentalfloss link=topic=2795.msg5209#msg5209 date=1196656490] Phyllis you are right.... I do have the idea that if I were good enough people would never leave me.. I have felt that many of times... but it was her that had an issue and chose not to bring it up with me and explore it. I know I had tried.. and wrote her a few letters while she was still living at my house, since she was never there during waking hours towards the end. Ever since then I have had difficulty wanting to have close friends.. maybe I end up finding people who don't really want to connect and talk to me on a long term friendship. I do have one girl friend who I met when we both lived in IL... we still keep in touch after 13 years. But pretty much I feel I just wait for the "other shoe to drop" when I am in a friendship.. even my marriage. The abandonment issue is strong with me. My mother or father were not there for me emotionally. My father took good physical care of me, but there was little help with school work, socially, and emotionally. My mother wasn't there for me physically either... we don't have a close relationship now that I have moved out and been on my own. I feel like there are so many reasons and obstacles in my way with friendships and close relationships. So I tend to keep to myself. I have learned to enjoy my owe company because I was alone a lot as a child as well. I see Aloneness mentioned in Inner Bonding, but I'm unsure about that part. I think I need to buy one of the books.. which one is the best in detail of IB? thanks [/quote]	12/03/2007 08:47 AM
mentalfloss Portland Oregon	Thank you everyone for your input... I think I'll look into the workbook once I finish this book I just ordered "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God?". I'm sure I'll be asking questions... Phyllis.. I do think that a friend is someone I can count on.. but I usually don't expect much any more. I don't know if I am one who pulls... I'm more the one that stays away from people.. and pull into myself.. shut the world out. Even with my husband.. he would tell me that I shut down and withdraw... he would have to pull out of me what was going on at that time. I'm a little better now.. but I still struggle with talking about my feelings. I don't really think that if I find a friend or mate that I can trust everything will be okay. I hope that my mate is trustworthy.. he has been so far.. but I still have this fear that he will leave me. That fear has been coming up more often the last few months. And yes.. I don't want to be abandoned... but I know in my mind I can't control him. So how do I solve the problem of feeling abandoned? I suppose I am doing to my inner child what my mother did to me. I can see that now that I have been working on my feelings and why I do the things I do. My mother wasn't there for me. She would be in the room with me and be in another world a lot of the times. It is painful. This is why I have little contact with her now as an adult. When I talk to her I feel she doesn't really listen to me.. She rarely comments on what I say that is going on in my life.. She just waits her turn to talk. It got to me so much I would cry after speaking to her. So I decided after no to talk to her on the phone any longer.. and just write now and again. I know this is all related.. but it all seems so complicated sometimes. Wolfsandfeathers... I like that question.. "was I loving to myself?" There have been many times in a relationship that I was not loving to myself. I give up myself to try and get the other person to stay with me. To not be angry with me.. I feel so uncomfortable around anger. I like thinking about what my intent is. Intent seems to be a powerful thing. I know I'll do things for my husband so he won't get mad at me or I have that fear anyways. I don't like that. I think all of this pain of abandonment and giving up myself to make others happy.. or I think it makes them happy and keeps peace.. just tears me down.	12/06/2007 09:18 PM
wolfsandfeathers Windsor Canada	Mentalfloss, The focus of your work needs to be on how you are abandoning your little girl. Once you are there, really there for your little girl then the feelings and fears around another leaving are no longer about abandonment. While it is true that another person leaving, espcially if you care about them can lead to feelings of saddness or loss it does not cause a sense of abandonment. So the question becomes, "what am I doing, right now that is reminding my little one of the abandoment I felt as a child." This question will empower you to make the changes that will heal and give you the freedom to love without fear. Best Wishes. Patti	12/07/2007 10:48 AM
mentalfloss Portland Oregon	This article http://tinyurl.com/2uwnnr is a place that I've been dealing with for awhile. Part of it, is not that I've been working on the Innerbonding Process, but before that, I have felt that I have a difficult time connecting with people. I don't have any friends outside of the people I work with (which is about one or two). Even before I moved, I didn't have friends there either. Anymore, I find it difficult to connect with people to be friends with them. I'm a person who hasn't had many friends, but maybe one or two good friends...but even one or two friends hasn't happened in a long time. The last few days I've felt sad and disconnected like I want more in my life.. I think a part of me feels I miss the friend I had back in high school, whom I have recently been in contact with again. I know I am a different person, and she is a different person now, and I have issues with how she just one day moved out of our house and Cathy never spoke to me again... it's been 13 years now. I've been working on connecting to my inner child and ask her what she is feeling. She says that I abandone her when I make friends, and allow these people to hurt me. But she does want to have fun and enjoy herself. She feels like something might be wrong with her since Cathy just walked away and never said anything, and feeling that people just don't care, so why bother. I'm still learning the process, and find it difficult to hear what my inner child is saying. But as Margaret states... Do I need to learn how to manage my feelings of loneliness and disconnection with others? I do think sometimes maybe there is something wrong with me. For a few years, my husband kept trying to get to me make friends and go out, but I didn't want to. He thinks having friends is a measure of a healthy person. I told him I'm more of a loner. There have been times where I have gone out and had more friends.. some of it was in unhealthy situations.. but others like when I was mountain biking was great. But since I've known him, I haven't had any friends outside of people I know at work.. and besides people he knows. Does anyone have any words of similar experiences or can offer words of wisdom?	11/13/2007 10:09 AM
pgentilini New Gloucester Maine	I have written about this before too. Especially as I practice IB I have had a hard time meeting like minded friends and lost some while praticing too. As a child, I put so much energy into the 'cover-up' of my family and situation I had no personality. Recently one of my 'friends' was crying about an issue and I introduced IB to her. She said she was 'way beyond' that stuff. I saw she was WAY IN IT! The great thing about IB is it takes the edge off the rush to find friends. I can now be by myself and enjoy it. I know that a great friend, that's all I want, will come when I continue to make good IB choices and thoughts. I am leaving my job soon to start college full-time as a mother, wife, and adult. This positive choice can lead me to meet someone new with the same thinking. Now, I go to events that I normally wouldn't go to without a 'girl'friend open to meeting a like minded friend that has taken the step of going alone as well! With what you have written, it shows me I am not alone, their ARE others!!!!!	11/14/2007 02:59 AM
mentalfloss Portland Oregon	I can see where practicing IB can change ones desire to be around like people. Others I have been friends with in my past, have not been open and willing to look at their own "stuff". My exboyfriend was starting to, and my current husband has done a lot of work with AA. I recently reconnected with my best friend from high school... and a lot is coming up for me. I know that I have a difficult time making a connection with others ever since she just stopped talking to me and never spoke to me again until now after 13 years. I have wondered, what did I do, what's wrong with me because we were best friends.. she lived with me at the time.. and she just walks away from our 5 year friendship. I find it difficult to meet people now adays that want to be real and grow. I still have a lot of work to do with IB...	12/02/2007 06:29 AM
Phyllis St. Louis Missouri	Dear Mentalfloss I reacted to your description of how you are asking yourself how you "caused" your friend to end the relationship. You can't cause anything like that. She chose to end the friendship for her own reasons. I like to remind people that you can act like a complete jerk and the person you are with can choose to be loving and compassionate. Conversely, you can be totally loving and the person you are with can choose to be a complete jerk. You have no control over that. Even if she had an issue with something you were doing, she had the choice of bringing it up and exploring it with you, or not. If there was an issue, she did not choose to explore it with you. That cannot be your fault either. We all have the idea that if we were good enough people would never leave us and if they do leave us, it must mean we were not good enough. This gives us a painful illusion of control. The truth is that the only thing that we can count on to always love us and never leave us is spirit and, eventually, our own loving adult. I hope this can help you let go of blaming yourself for what happened. It was not about you. It was about her. Hugs Phyllis	12/02/2007 06:52 PM
Tamara Greensboro North Carolina	The book with the most information in it is "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God?". And speaking from experience, realizing I never had to give up me, that all I needed was to learn how to love me has saved my life. I hope you find all you are looking for and some surprises too. Take care, Tamara	12/02/2007 08:40 PM
Phyllis St. Louis Missouri	Dear Mentalfloss I am guessing that the reason you are afraid to have friendships is that right now your wounded self thinks of a friend as someone you can count on the never abandon you. That actually creates a huge pull on other people to act a certain way with you (or else) which also keeps you from having friends because it does not feel that good to other people. Many of us have spent a long time believing that if we could find a friend or mate that we could "trust," everything would be okay. I know I struggled the whole time I was married to try to find a way to make my husband be a reliable source of love and to make him stop abandoning me. What stunned me, when I got to it, and I offer you now, is that the very act of trying to find someone else to solve the problem of feeling abandoned, instead of taking the job yourself, is devastating to the inner child. It is as if you, as a mother, spend all your effort trying to find a good babysitter instead of actually taking care of your child. It feels awful. So, for now, focus on learning to have a close relationship with your wonderful little girl. The rest will follow. Hugs Phyllis	12/03/2007 10:26 AM
wolfsandfeathers Windsor Canada	In any relationship that is having a difficult time I think that it requires some honest inner reflection. Moving into a loving adult space with yourself you can ask for and seek the honest answer to the question, "was I loving to myself?". If the answer to that question is yes then there is a very good chance that the other person is not in an open heart space or something is going on in their life that has nothing to do with you. On the other hand if the answer is no and you were not taking care of yourself and standing in love and truth then taking responsiblity and making amends first to yourself and then to the other can be the first step to healing the relationship. The most important thing though in making amends with another is to do so from a connected place in which your are taking personal responsibility for your actions. If instead the wounded part is making the amends then the underlying desire is to control the outcome and will most likely result in resistance from the other person. As with most things it is all in the intent. Frequently, it is an adjustment in our attitude and approach, moving from blaming self to owning our truth that can help weather the stormy waters that most relationships will encounter from time-to-time.	12/03/2007 12:14 PM
Phyllis St. Louis Missouri	Dear Mentalfloss It sounds like you are learning a lot about what is really going on in your life. I hope you can remind yourself to zoom out a little and just have compassion for yourself and how hard you have had to work to make it this far. You are going to learn better ways, ways that are not so painful. It might help to tell your inner kids that. You will learn. One thing you said jumped out at me, and I offer it as a question you might ask your little girl. Sometimes, the part of us that tries to take care of our child still has some characteristics of our parents. This is what jumped out at me. You said, "When I talk to her I feel she doesn't really listen to me.. She rarely comments on what I say that is going on in my life.. She just waits her turn to talk." I am wondering if your little girl sometimes feels that way sometimes when you try to do Inner Bonding with her? I would be interested to know if that goes anywhere for you. Hugs Phyllis	12/07/2007 04:30 PM
lindsayswisdom California	Wow, what incredible information on this thread! In working with this,I realize that the 2 relationships that have evaporated in this past year have been built around me being a certain way,and now that I have a bigger LA inside,I really don't connect with these friends anymore-still,it is hard to say goodbye.My little girl just wants to have fun,but in a safe way,where she doesn't have to give herself up to be someone that she is not for the sake of the relationship.Somehow,I must have the faith that new friends will come in with these new contacts that I have,I guess it is just that " some are silver and the other are gold"-I just want to be a Great friend and have a Great friend in addition to being more of my own best friend.I guess I need more Faith while doing IB more diligently. Jennifer	10/12/2008 05:11 PM
Precious Lotus L.A. California	I love that article, it's so true. I love going with the flow.	10/13/2008 09:01 AM

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