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Visual Aids in Inner Bonding

By Tamara

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As I am writing this, my visual aid is sitting here on my printer with a smile on her face. Her little finger points outward as if to say "Here I am Mommy". Tammy; my core child, my essence, my inner child, my precious little girl has only been really "seen" by me for a few short weeks. When I first picked her out in July with the help of my wounded child and my best friend, she spent months sitting on the edge of my bed barely seen and definitely not being heard. She was so pretty I was afraid holding her would mess her up. This led to continuing to embrace my wounded child, not so perfect to look at, way too much.  

During the first two days of the October intensive Tammy sat under my chair. I did not feel worthy of seeing her and I definitely did not want to hear anything she had to say. I knew she would have nothing good to say about me at that time. Not that I can blame her. Here was a baby not being allowed to feel, not allowed a voice, not allowed to cry out when I was scaring the hell out of her. Her own mother did not love her, could not see her,  so she was not worthy of being loved, of being seen. It took Margaret telling me to consciously beat up this little girl I had been beating down already in my mind every moment of every day for things to change. At first I resisted just like I have resisted everything else in my life.

Then I really looked at her, this beautiful little doll between my hands. So easily I could have thrown her across the room, shut her up, or shoved her into a dark hole. I was doing all of this anyway. Yet I would never have been able to do that with a real live baby. Then I looked into her bright little eyes. I caught the smallest glimpse of the hope and trust that once glowed in mine. I could see the beauty, the love, the joy that was still waiting under all the pain and fear of the past. Finally I realized only I could save her now. My family never could and never would be able to see her and love her. Hoping someone else would love her and fix her just wasn't gonna happen. So I did the only thing I could.

I gathered her close into my arms, told her how sorry I was for abandoning her, for constantly giving her away to others, and at last I accepted my responsibility for how I was making her feel. I learned to love her with words and with actions. It still took time to learn how she wanted me to love her. In the beginning Tammy sat on my knee, her eyes looking out at everyone else. Looking at pictures of my mom holding me as a baby in the same distant way fixed that. I started holding her close to me, against my side or up on my shoulder. Margaret and Sharon led me into becoming the perfect mom we both so desperately needed. I learned by loving Tammy first, putting her needs first, I could then share more love with others and not be lost in the process. I was able to allow the unshed tears to start flowing, and to let go of things that would never be.

The one struggle I had was when I wrote a story from the past. Nancy Swisher suggested writing a story about how to unhook from a story that no longer serves me. My fear of failure jumped right up demanding to be heard. Writing of my failure and how I fear failure so much that I do not even try was so very easy. Then during the group call, Nancy said read your story to your inner child. Here is where having a visual aid came back to bite me in the butt in a very healing way. Where writing how I am a failure brought no problems, looking into this sweet little shining face trying to say she will never be anything but a failure was impossible. At last I got it completely! I had to stop beating up my baby, she was not a failure, she is not broken or even damaged.  Tammy is a precious child of God who needs my love every minute of every day. She is lovable and worthy of all there is to be.   

The last month has been marked by amazing healing I never before thought possible. I have found this peace deep inside of my being I feared was lost forever. How was this possible? I took this little visual aid and gave her all the love, all the affection, and all the attention she never got before. She sleeps in my arms at night and stays by my side during the day. I constantly and consciously throughout the day tell Tammy "I love you, you are so precious to me, I will never leave you again, you can fail, you can succeed, you can be whoever you are and I will still love you". I remain open to any and all feelings and take in things going on around me without getting caught up in them. I think of with laughter how I will explain to the police officer who pulls me over why I am driving with a baby sitting on my hip. Tammy wants to be seen and loved by me and tells me when she would rather remain out of sight around those who never will. As for the fear of messing her up? Her hair is now in braids and love smudges never hurt anyone.

I highly recommended to anyone practicing Inner bonding how much having a visual aid, a doll or a stuffed animal, will help with your process. Looking into that face, those eyes has really guided my healing in ways impossible before then. The peace I have found  has even remained constant during the death of my mom and the death of the dream of her ever seeing me or loving me. By giving that love to my little girl myself I am okay. I am more than okay. I am healing! 

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Comments

Author Comment Date

Merryo
West Islip New York
Tamara, What a beautiful child you have!!! Thanks for sharing these. I have a bear that I use but I keep saying a doll would be so much more realistic and your pictures really prove it. I think I have a little resistance to the doll which tells me I'm not totally ready to take responsibility but I'm getting there. Thanks. Merry 12/04/2007 05:19 PM

Phyllis
St. Louis Missouri
Tammy This is so fantastic!!! WOW!!!!! I know this will have a huge impact. Your doll baby is SOOOOO beautiful. Hugs Phyllis 12/04/2007 07:31 PM

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