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A Personal Reflection ..... What Does a Child Really Need?

By TenderSpirit

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Barbarie shares her soul-rocking journey into motherhood and how she is applying what she learned to her own inner child.

When I became a Mother I was terrified.

In NO way was I ready to become a Mother, I had NO desire of being a Mother, I was scared to my core. I had NO IDEA what a Mother was or what a CHILD REALLY needed from a Mother

If I may? It would be my pleasure to share my journey ....

There is NO WAY would I wish upon any woman to be come a Parent the way in which I became a Mother. Being gang raped by 4 masked men at gun point with my life threatened, then learning I was pregnant and faced with having to make a decision whether or not to abort or to bring to a child into my life, needless to say ROCKED my world, ROCKED my being, ROCKED my every thought and fear within the depths of my soul.

As terrifying as the decision and options were for me, I knew within the depth of my soul being that there was NO way I could abort the child. My Spirit, My Beliefs, My Core Being could not even give that option an intitial thought. As terrifying as the decision was to somehow …. think I could do this … I had a hard time just comprehending I was pregnant. So I denied I was pregnant, I tried to IGNORE all the symptoms, I told NO ONE, I sought no pre-natal care. I went on being a Soldier. I went on and did everything other soldiers were doing. Daily 2 hours of physical training, running 6 miles a day, participated in a 12 mile rucksack march, went through the gas chambers, worked around missile radar system, went to the m 16 rifle range to qualify. I tumbled 12 feet off a radar onto concrete breaking my left wrist and fracturing my pelvic bone, going through surgery twice to repair the broken wrist. All this and I said nothing about being pregnant, even in all the X-Rays the baby was not detected. How did she make it through??? A true miracle! After a weekend doubled over in pain (obvious labor pains), Monday morning I went in to sick call ….. The response from the medical staff…. "Ma’am you're going to have a baby and you’re going to have it today."

Sure enough 8 hours later I gave birth naturally to my Daughter…. Yes, there were some complications, as she experienced meconium aspiration during the birthing process. Immediately after seeing her for about 30 seconds, she was whisked off. She weighted 3 pounds 8 ounces and was 10 3⁄4 inches long, with a head full of curly black hair. After being stabilized she was life flighted from Ft Bragg Army Medical Center to Duke University Medical Center, where she spent the next 8 weeks on life support and a GIGANTIC machine called ECMO. She was given a 15% chance of surviving. As Mother, all I could do was be there for her physically, I did a lot of praying and seeking my Spiritual Guidance, and allowing Baby White (because I still had no name picked out when she arrived) to hold onto my left little pinkie as she was laying on her back being sudated with morphine through a little needle inserted in her skull, and two huge tubes inserted in the side of her neck that were trailing to ECMO that oxygenated her blood.

As the journey continued, with no time to regroup and seriously think about all that was flooding my thoughts, my biggest life changing question was proposed. The agonizing questions about what I wanted to do with the Child? There were plenty of suggestions that I could surrender parental rights and give my child up for adoption, orphan the child and whatever other options there were. Not sure any one had any faith or confidence that I would be able to keep the child and do well. Somwhere within the very depths of me, I heard very clearly the screaming NOT to give in, not to quit, not to separate, not to give away the Child. So with unknown supernatural faith and trust in a Spirit greater then me and anyone else, I chose to raise this precious Child with every ounce, every fiber of my being in the best human healthiest way that I could. I was flooded with fear, terror, unease, sadness, grief. I was also flooded with grit determination, unwavering faith, and deep love that I had no idea even existed and a glimmer of confidence that I will do this. I would NOT give in, surrender, or quit. When Miss Courtney was healthy enough to leave the hospital She was 7 pounds still majorly fragile and in the arms of a Mother who had no idea of how to be a real Mother …..

Little did I know that 8 months later I would learn that Courtney would be hard of hearing/deaf to the world that that surrounded her. I was once again trying to somehow stay strong, stay determined, stay faithful, stay committed to being this Child’s Mother and provide her with what everthing she was going to need to be a healthy child that was as normal and capable as any other child.

The challenges were never-ending. They came one after another: Unknown Father, No family support, Already challenged just being Myself and trying to find my own journey in life. Now, a single Mom in the active duty military who already had orders to relocate to FT Lewis WA, with orders to come that would deploy me to the deserts of Saudi Arabia for six months at a time (twice before Courtney turned the age 5).

As hard and challenging with every dart possible being thrown my direction, still trying to believe I was a Mother, I clearly felt what she needed and I clearly knew what she needed as a child. This realization came in a very clear understanding from my own wounded inner child that was screaming about never being met, seen, heard, believed, loved, nurtured, protected, guided, or cherished.

Some how, even through all the hellishness I personally experienced as a child, I was blessed and gifted to listen to my own deeply wounded inner child. My deeply wounded inner child guided me, lead me and gave me confidence in giving and providing for what Miss Courtney needed, because my own inner child was needing the same things and just pleading for thosebasic needs.

What are those things that both wounded inner child and my real Child need from me?

She needs me to grasp hold of and commit to her being.

She needs me to have faith and trust in myself as a Mother.

She needs me to remain present, tuned and and focused to fight off the voices within.

She needs me to have faith and trust in her.

She needs me to listen and so she can be heard. Which was unique in that she is deaf, and I had to learn to communicate with her in her language. (a new discovery in my own Inner bonding process)

Her deafness is a gift. My Spirit knew I needed something that would literally cause me as Mom to pay very close attention, undistracted, unpreoccupied and a tool to give her my undivided attention.

She needs me to make some sacrifices that would be extemely needed in order to be able to bond as Mother Daughter (which entailed me to cease my military career).

She needs to be me to brutally honest and open with her (as the deaf culture has a very different way of understanding conversation and communicating).

She needs me to be able to HONESTLY and OPENLY answer her questions and concerns and curiosities.

She needs to hear "I Love You", You are valued, you are worthy, you are precious.

She needs to be allowed to make mistakes, mess up,be challenged and learn from them.

She needs for me listen and allow her to make her own decisions and journey through her own thought process..

She needs my patience and understanding and guidance.

She needs our QUALITY time together as Mom and Daughter

She needs to know that Mom will always be here for her, that her needs will be met

She needs the encouragement, the praises, and the kudos for her efforts well done.

She needs to know the life is a journey and there are times when life will feel very difficult.

She needs to know that she can conquer anything the she sets her mind to accomplish

She needs to that when she falls and stumbles that she is capable of getting back up and continuing on the journey.

She needs to know that I am commited to being available to her at times through out her lifes journey.

Writing this has been HUGE for me to share, parenting my Daughter has taught and shared and guided me in what I need to give to my wounded inner child.

I personally have learned I am deserving. I am loved. I am special. I am a miracle.

My Wounded Inner Child is being to step out of the dark and see the light, she is starting to feel .... seen and heard, and pursued loved, adored, chrished, protected, encouraged, worthy and valued and that SHE TOO is a MIRACLE.

Thank You for allowing me to share my journey, from the eyes of a Mom that had no clue what a child needed. To a Loving Adult that is learning to give the same kind of commitment to my inner little girl.

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Comments

Author Comment Date

Phyllis
St. Louis Missouri
Thank you for the photo of Courtney. Your love shows in her face. Hers is the face of an angel! 03/13/2008 07:50 PM

nancys
Iowa City
Wow! This is so powerful! Thank you for writing your story here. You power comes through your words. As I have shared with you before, I truly feel you have a big gift to share with the world. Your writing is definitely part of that gift. Lots of love, Nancy 03/14/2008 11:34 AM

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