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Conflict Resolution

By Dr. Margaret Paul
December 31, 2006



Conflict cannot reach a healthy resolution when one or both people involved in the conflict are operating from the wounded self. This article details how any two or more people can create the foundation for healthy conflict resolution by taking the only two healthy actions in conflict.

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The following material regarding conflict resolution relates to any two people in conflict: mates, lovers, parents and adolescents, teachers and students (except for very young children), friends, co-workers, roommates, employers and employees, professionals and clients.

Conflict cannot reach a healthy resolution when one or both people involved in the conflict are operating from the wounded self. If you are in a conflict with someone, what is your goal?

Some of the goals of the wounded self in conflict:

  • I know I am right and I just want to win.
     
  • Whether I'm right or wrong, all that is important is winning.
     
  • I need to win to know that I am in control, so that I will feel safe.
     
  • I just want to create peace, even if it means giving myself up.
     
  • I just need to make sure I am not controlled by you.
     

Some of the goals of the loving Adult in conflict:

  • Being loving to myself and you is more important than being right or winning.
     
  • Let's find a resolution that works well for both of us, without either of us having to give ourselves up.
     
  • I see this conflict as an opportunity to learn something, and I am willing to risk staying in it through the difficulties in order to learn.
     
  • Learning the lessons of this conflict is more important to me than winning or being right.
     
  • I am willing to walk away from this conflict unresolved, or even walk away from the relationship, rather than lose myself and my personal integrity.

There are only two healthy actions when in conflict with another:

1) Move into an intent to learn

2) Tell the truth about your limits and take loving action on your truth.

There are two levels of communication in conflict:

1) The issue

2) The intent - to learn or protect - with which you are talking about the issue.

There is no point in discussing an issue unless both people are in an intent to learn. When one or both are in an intent to protect, there can be no win-win conflict resolution. This can occur only when both people are in a true intent to learn. Since you have no control over the other person's intent, the only loving actions you can take if the other is not open to learning with you is to 1) pray for him or her to receive spiritual help in opening; and 2) do your own learning and take care of yourself.

Win-win conflict resolution occurs when both people have their own and the other's highest good in mind. Anything less than this creates a controlling rather than a learning environment. This will lead to win-lose resolution or to non-resolution.

Win-lose resolution: One person has his or her way while the other person complies, giving him/herself up.

Non-resolution: Each is trying to have his or her way and both are resisting.

Win-win resolution: Through being in the process of caring about themselves and each other, as well as in the process of each learning about their own and the other's good reasons for feeling and behaving the way they are, new learning naturally occurs that opens the door for resolution where neither feels s/he is giving him/herself up.

It is often very valuable to have a third party present to facilitate conflict resolution -- a therapist, facilitator, or knowledgeable friend. No matter how sophisticated you are with personal growth and conflict resolution, it is difficult to see yourself clearly when in conflict.

Being in an Intent to Learn With Another

Being in an intent to learn with another means:

1) You are committed to the process of learning about yourself and about the other.

2) You believe that both you and the other person have very good reasons for your feelings and behavior.

3) You are willing to speak your total truth, without blame or judgment, about your feelings and behavior with the other and willing to hear the other's total truth, without blame or judgment, about his or her feelings and behavior.

4) You are willing to feel the pain of your loneliness and your helplessness over the other rather than get protected and attempt to control.

5) You are willing to lose the other rather than lose yourself.

6) You have no investment in the outcome.

  • The only way you will not have an investment in the outcome is if you have done your own Six-Step process and come up with the loving action for yourself --that is, you already know how you can take care of yourself if the other person is not open to learning about and resolving the issue.
  • If you attempt to explore a conflict and are invested in the outcome, then you will be trying to control. Learning and resolution cannot occur in this environment.
  • If your deepest desire is to avoid rejection or engulfment, rather than take responsibility for loving and caring for yourself, you will be trying to control how the other feels rather than be in a true intent to learn.

Checklist for being in the intent to learn with another

  • I have explored, with the six-step Inner Bonding process, my own feelings, fears, beliefs and behavior regarding this conflict issue.
  • I know the loving action I will take for myself if the other is not open to learning and resolving this conflict with me.
  • I am committed to the process of learning about myself and the other.
  • I am willing to approach the other to explore with me without an investment in whether or not he or she opens to learning with me, and without an investment in the outcome of the conflict.
  • I know that we both have very good reasons for seeing things the way we do.
  • I am curious about the other's good reasons, and I am willing to understand before being understood.
  • I am willing to speak my total truth, without blame or judgment, about my feelings and behavior and hear the other's total truth, without blame or judgment, about his or her feelings and behavior.
  • I am open to win-win conflict resolution rather than attempting to impose my will on the other.
  • I am willing to be rejected and feel my helplessness over the other, and my loneliness if the other is angry or shut down, rather than shut down, give myself up, or attempt to control him or her in any other way.
  • I am willing to disengage from the discussion if the other is not open to learning, rather than attempt to control him or her.

Telling Your Truth and Setting Loving Limits

A loving limit, when in conflict with another, is an action that you take for yourself that takes care of you and creates the space for you to keep your heart open, without violating the other. Loving limits, or boundaries, are not about controlling or changing another's behavior.

For example: Telling your truth about your limit if someone is yelling at you, or shaming and blaming you, may be to say, "I really want to discuss this issue with you, but not when you're blaming me. If you want to be open to learning, we can talk about it." Then, if the other person does not open, you would need to act on the limit: "I am not available to discuss this when you are blaming." You would then need to disengage from or leave the interaction until the other opens. If you disengage or leave with anger and blame, then you are attempting to control the other rather than stay loving and take care of yourself.

Since we have so few role-models for loving boundaries, opening to learning with your Guidance is a powerful way to discover your loving limits.

Examples of Loving Limits

These examples depict the ideal. Most of us are not able to respond in these ways much of the time, but they are here to help you see what you might want to work towards.

Robert and Linda

The following is an example of a conflict situation where Robert does a Six-Step process and sets a loving limit:

The conflict is that Robert wants to read and his wife Linda wants him to watch TV with her. When he says what he wants, Linda gets angry and yells at him that he never wants to spend time her.

In this situation, Linda is being a victim, blaming Robert for her feelings of aloneness and loneliness. If Robert gets angry back or withdraws, then he is also being a victim, blaming her for his feelings. If he chooses to be a loving Adult, then he first tunes into the feelings, (Step One) noticing and acknowledging that he feels anxious and guilty when his wife is angry and blaming. He opens to his spiritual Guidance, bringing love into his heart, (Step Two) and explores the feelings of anxiety and guilt (Step Three). His wounded self says that he is responsible for his wife's feelings, which is a false belief. He open to the truth from his Guidance (Step Four), reassuring his inner child that he is not wrong or bad for wanting to read and that he is not responsible for his wife's unhappiness. He accepts that he is helpless over his wife's intent to try to control him rather than learn, and that this makes him feel lonely with her. In accepting his helplessness and loneliness and opening to compassionate learning with his Guidance about loving himself, ideally he embraces this conflict as an opportunity to evolve his soul and thanks Spirit for the privilege of this moment. He is then able to move into compassion with his wife, recognizing that when she yells, she is feeling lonely and afraid and has no loving Adult at that moment to handle these feelings. He moves into the intent to learn with her and sets a loving limit (Step Five). All of this takes only moments if he has spent enough time practicing the Six Steps.

In a soft, open, compassionate and caring tone of voice, with the true curiosity of the loving Adult and no investment in either getting her to be open or in the outcome of the conflict, he tell his truth and moves into an intent to learn, saying, "Honey, I really don't like being yelled at. But there must be a good reason that you are angry at me. Do you want to talk about it?" Knowing that Linda generally responds to touch, he reaches out and takes her hand to help her wounded child feel safe and loved.

He knows that being in an intent to learn does not guarantee that she will open. If she opens to learning, they explore the fear and beliefs under her anger.

Robert: Why do you believe that my not wanting to watch TV means that I don't want to spend time with you?

Linda: It just seems that you always find other things to do rather than be with me. I feel shut out a lot.

Robert: Well, maybe you are right. If that's true, there must be a good reason for it. It would be much easier for me to look at this if you believed I have good reasons for it rather than yelling at me for it. Yet there must be a good reason you yell. Do you know what that's about?

There is much to explore here: the fears and false beliefs behind Linda's yelling, the fears and false beliefs behind Robert's withdrawal from Linda. Linda can explore her abandonment issues and the ways she tries to control Robert rather than take care of herself. Robert can explore his engulfment issues and the ways he withdraws rather than tell his truth and set loving limits. Their intimacy grows when each is open to learning and telling truth about themselves with each other.

If Linda doesn't open and continues to blame Robert, he can set a loving limit by saying "I'd like to explore with you when you are open, but I'm not available for being blamed. When you want to explore, let me know." He accepts his helplessness over her intent and disengages from the conflict rather than trying to have control over getting her to open. Then he takes action on the limit by leaving the room without anger (Step Five). He goes through the Six Steps to make sure his Inner Child is okay and he then explores the issue that Linda brought up -- his withdrawal from her.

If Linda won't leave him alone even after he leaves the room -- if she keeps yelling at him and blaming him, he may need to go into a locked room or leave the house for awhile. If he goes into a room and locks the door and she continues yelling at him outside the door, he can put music on loudly or put on earphones. He cannot stop her from yelling without violating her as she is violating him -- yelling at her, threatening her, hitting her -- but he can take himself away from her until she is open to learning. What he can do, which is very helpful to both of them, is to send her love, visualizing the light of Love around her, and pray for her to remember that she has the choice to open her heart.

It is most important for him to reassure his Inner Child that Linda's behavior is not personal -- that is, it is not about him. It is coming from her wounded self. If he takes it personally, he will revert to his own wounded self and probably end up punishing her if she does finally open. Then the tables will be turned -- she will be open while he is closed. They could keep missing opportunities to explore with each other if they take the other's behavior personally. Part of Robert's job as a loving Adult is to reassure his wounded child that Linda's choice to be open or closed has nothing to do with him.

Marina and her Boss

The following conflict concerns a work situation:

Marina works as a freelance bookkeeper, primarily for different attorneys. Max, one of her clients, is a very angry man. As soon as Marina comes in each week, he starts yelling at her about the various bills, asking her in an accusatory tone about the things that he does not understand. He doesn't listen for her answer. Instead, he just orders her to fix the problem. Marina has been afraid to say anything to him for fear he will get even more angry. Instead, she just tries to be "nice," acting like it doesn't bother her when inside she is feeling awful. She does not know how to take care of herself when someone is angry at her. She has tried asking him why he is always angry at her but he denies that he is angry, telling her that she is too sensitive.

In order to set a loving limit, Marina first needs to accept her helplessness over Max's choices. She cannot make him be kind and respectful, even by being nice. Next she would need to be open to feeling how awful she feels at being treated this way and how alone her Inner Child feels when someone yells at her and her Adult does not take care of her. Finally, she needs to be willing to lose her job, which could happen if she sets a limit. If losing her job would cause her a hardship, then the best she can do is let her Inner Child know that Max's behavior is not personal. If she is willing to lose her job, then she needs to asks her Guidance what the loving action is in this situation.

There is never just one loving way of handling a particular situation. Next time Max yells at her, she could tell her truth and set her limit, saying "Max, the way you speak to me feels very disrespectful to me. I'm not willing to discuss anything with you until you treat me with respect." If he continued to attack her, she would need to act on the limit and leave the room, refusing to engage with him until he was respectful. If she has reached the point where she is totally unwilling to be around this treatment any more and she can afford to leave this job, she can say "Max, if you continue to treat me this way I will quit."

It will be difficult for her to take care of herself if she is dependent on Max financially. She will need to be assertive about finding other work before she can set a loving limit with Max.

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Comments

Author Comment Date

bridgeweavera
Abilene Texas
"Finally, she needs to be willing to lose her job, which could happen if she sets a limit. If losing her job would cause her a hardship, then the best she can do is let her Inner Child know that Max's behavior is not personal." Wow! This is the scary part! I see that part of the reason I don't take care of myself well when someone is angry with me (or I'm afraid they WILL be)is that I am not willing to accept whatever happens next. My mother-in-law talked about herself all through my daughter's band concert, for instance, and I tried to ignore her enough that I could hear the music but not so much as to hurt her feelings or make her mad. Why? I was afraid of a scene in public. I was afraid it would make her talk even more and be worse. It never EVER dawned on me that if she did, I could just go sit somewhere else. Of course, I have a judgement about that. I believe, for some reason, that it would be a bad thing to do. I'd like to hear more about taking care of yourself in a situation such as Marina's, above, when one is NOT willing to lose a job, or endure a scene in public, or such. For instance, how do I take care of myself in the car for an hour with my mother-in-law, who needs me to drive her to the clinic every other week for a shot due to kidney failure, when she is bound to state very annoying opinions? I see that part of the problem is my own judgements about her and her opinions, but I'm stuck there. 12/11/2007 12:59 PM

Dr.Margaret
Durango Colorado
I suggest that you read the article "Singing the Song That Saves You" and try singing a happy song in your head when your mother-in-law is stating annoying opinions. You can't change her, but you can learn to stay centered within yourself so that you are not reacting to her. 12/14/2007 09:26 PM

lindsayswisdom
California
working with this,seeing how much I fear anger.Either I'm protecting and controlling or I crumble-where is the in between?
I realized that my WS resists when someone has very good reasons and when that is reflected back to me,I have trouble staying " in my own skin" and not reacting.
I can see how prayer can help-allowing Divine Will instead of my own WS stuff,but I sure would like to catch it earlier to be more loving.

Any suggestions?

Thanks!
Jennifer
08/26/2008 09:44 AM

Dr.Margaret
Durango Colorado
The in-between is disengaging, which you will be able to do when you know that you NEVER deserve to be at the other end of another's blame, no matter what you have done. When you really get this, you will disengage rather than react. 08/26/2008 03:09 PM

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