Getting Unstuck

By Dr. Margaret Paul
December 31, 2006

All of us get stuck at times in our learning and healing process. If you are practicing the Inner Bonding process and are stuck at one of the steps, this article may help you get unstuck. This article goes through each of the steps of Inner Bonding and shows where you can get stuck and how to get unstuck.

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Are you feeling stuck in your Inner Bonding process? Each of the first five steps have their own challenges regarding getting stuck.

Stuck at Step One, the willingness to be mindful of and take responsibility for your feelings.

Sometimes you may be out of touch with your feelings or cannot feel your feelings because they are locked into the musculature of your body. When this is the case, you need to have some bodywork.
Sometimes you are stuck on Step One because of one or more false beliefs about pain and about taking responsibility for it. When this is the case, it might be helpful to review the false beliefs about feeling pain and false beliefs about taking responsibility for your feelings.
You may be stuck on Step One because, while you may be feeling your feelings, you have not decided that you are willing to feel them in order to learn the lessons they are here to teach you. If you are in pain and you just want to make the pain go away, you will go right into addictive behavior instead of moving into the intent to learn about what you maybe doing or thinking that is causing your pain. When you are feeling your pain but are unwilling to take responsibility for your feelings, you are stuck feeling like a victim.
You may be stuck at Step One because, while you are willing to feel most of your feelings and learn from them, you are unwilling to feel your helplessness over others, and the loneliness that might be the result. When this is the case, you will go into trying to control in whatever ways you have learned, rather than open to learning.
You may be stuck at Step One because controlling is more important than learning. When this is the case, you might have become very attached to your core shame as a way to maintain your belief that others' behavior is your fault -- that you cause others to do what they do. When controlling is more important than learning and loving, it is essential that you keep your belief in your core shame as your protection against helplessness.
You may be stuck because you feel too overwhelmed by your feelings. When this is the case, click here to learn to manage your feelings.

Stuck at Step Two, moving into the intent to learn and opening to your Guidance.

You might be having difficulty opening your heart to your Guidance. Surrender is a very challenging choice for the wounded self who is so devoted to controlling everything. If this is where you are stuck, you might want to examine or re-examine your relationship with God.
Sometimes you think you are open to learning, but what you are really wanting is for someone else to learn. In our wounded state, we can be very tricky in fooling ourselves regarding our intent. Over and over we experience clients saying they are open to learning when what they really want is to be seen, heard, listened to, acknowledged, attended to, understood, approved of and loved by another, rather than do this for themselves.

The energy of love that is Spirit comes into your heart instantly, the moment your deepest desire is to learn about loving yourself and others. If that love is not in your heart, it is because you are not open. Spirit is like the air -- it is always present, just waiting for you to open your heart and let it in. You don't have to connect to Spirit; Spirit will connect with you when your intent is to learn about loving your Inner Child.
You may be stuck at Step Two because your reason for opening to learning is to change yourself so that you can get what you want -- a mate, acceptance, a new job -- rather than to be a loving human being. When your reason for learning is anything other than wanting to be a loving human being with no agenda attached, you will get stuck. You will not really be open and you will not be able to connect with Guidance.

Again, the wounded self can be very tricky -- acting open, looking open, yet using the intent to learn to get love rather than to become love. Even the practice of Inner Bonding can be used as a manipulation to attempt to get love and avoid pain, when that is the intent! Unless your deepest desire is only to learn to be a loving person to yourself and with others, period, you are not in a true intent to learn.
You may be stuck at Step Two because you need to be held and nurtured by someone who knows how to connect with Spirit and bring through unconditional love to you. Sometimes, until you have the experience of unconditional love, you may be too afraid to open, fearing that there will be nothing there to nurture and sustain you.
You may be stuck at Step Two because you are afraid to open to learning about your feelings for fear of being overwhelmed by them. When this is the case, you need to learn how to manage your feelings.

Stuck at Step Three, dialoguing with your wounded self and core Self.

The most common complaint we hear is "My Child won't talk to me." "I don't hear anything inside." Your Child will not talk to you unless he or she trust that you will be there on a consistent basis and trusts that you really want to know about and take responsibility for whatever he or she is feeling. Imagine that you have adopted an abandoned child -- a child that perhaps has been in foster homes or an orphanage and has not had love. What would you need to do to gain this child's trust? Whatever you would need to do -- such as being consistent, being accepting, following through on promises, setting loving limits -- is what you need to do for your own Inner Child.

Once your Child trusts that are listening and will follow through with loving action, he or she will communicate with you. For now, accept the silence with love. Keep imagining embracing this silent Child until he or she feels safe enough to let you in.
Sometimes your Child has been talking to you and suddenly stops. When this is the case, there is usually one of two reasons:

1) Some very difficult memories are coming up and your Child wants you to seek professional help before telling you about abuse. The Child is wise and will often not tell you about abuse memories until he or she knows you have created a safe situation in which to deal with them.

2) You have failed to follow through with loving action so your Child feels there is no point in telling you anything. If you follow through on taking action regarding what your Child is needing from you, your Child will speak with you again.
Sometimes your Child communicates with you only through feelings--through physical sensations in your body -- rather than through words. You may be listening for words while ignoring the true voice of your Child. When you notice your feelings, ask yourself, "What are these feelings trying to say to me?"

Stuck at Step Four, dialoguing with your Guidance.

For many people, this is a very challenging step. Most of us have been taught to ignore our own inner Guidance. We have learned to distrust the images, feelings and words that come from our Guidance.

It takes time and practice to hear and trust your Guidance. Be assured that your Guidance is communicating with you. Pay attention to the very soft voice within, as well as to subtle images and feelings. As you start noticing, listening and following its direction, you will learn to trust it.

People often ask, "How do I know it is the voice of my Guidance? How do I know it is not my own self just making this up? How do I know it is not some evil spirit talking to me?" The voice of Guidance always comes from love, while the voice of your wounded self comes from fear. When the voice you hear causes anxiety and fear, it is not the voice of Guidance. The voice of Guidance does not cause fear, nor does it speak in a panicked voice. The voice of Guidance speaks in a neutral and loving voice, offering the guidance you need to take loving care of yourself.

However, because the wounded self can be very tricky, it is important to accept that reliable discerning of the voice of Guidance takes practice. This means you must be willing to take action and make some mistakes along the way. As you continue through to Step Six, you will begin to differentiate the calm voice of your Guidance as opposed to the fearful voice of your wounded self.
"What if I really want to know the loving action and I don't hear anything?" Keep asking! Sometimes it take days, weeks, or even months to receive the answer to fairly complicated situations. If you keep asking and stay open to receiving the answer, you will eventually receive it. If you do not receive any answers, than it is always because you are not really in the intent to learn. Go back to Step Two and see what your intent really is.

Stuck at Step Five, taking the loving action.

Many people get stuck here because sometimes taking the loving action is very challenging. Yet, if you do not take loving action, your child may stop trusting you and talking to you. If you know what action you need to take and you are not taking it, you need to go back to Steps Three and Four, exploring the fears and false beliefs that are in the way of taking the loving action, and opening to Guidance to bring through the truth about these fears and beliefs.
Sometimes people get stuck because they have performance anxiety regarding taking action. If you have attached your worth to your performance, your intense anxiety about failure may lead to procrastination or even paralysis. Basing your worth on your peformance may lead to anxiety, prosrastination, and even paralysis regarding any action at all. When this is the case, you need to work on defining your intrinsic worth. You need to work with your spiritual Guidance on seeing and defining your essence, your core Self.

When the anxiety of taking loving action is too great, you need to learn how to de-escalate the anxiety.
Sometimes people get stuck in this step because they are caught in resistance and the procrastination that may result from being in resistance. When this is the case, you need to move into The Six Steps and explore each of the beliefs behind your resistance. Welcome the resistance as an important part of you that has good reasons for not wanting to proceed. It is helpful to see your resistance, not as a problem, but as a person. You are actually not struggling with some thing called resistance; you are dealing with a part of yourself that does not want to do something -- for good reasons! The good reasons are your false beliefs that need exploring.

Getting unstuck really means exploring the false beliefs you are telling yourself that are keeping you stuck. When we operate from truth rather than the lies we tell ourselves, we find ourselves flowing through the steps to the loving action toward ourselves and others.

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Resistance to Celebrating
The Resistance Syndrome

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A Testimonial

"Experiencing the whole process was so helpful. It filled in so many gaps in my growth experience. I've made a commitment to work on my process and practice the steps daily." Los Angeles, May 2000

Deanna Seiler,Teacher
San Pedro,California
dseilerDELETE_HERE@vel.net