The Wounded Self

By Dr. Margaret Paul
December 31, 2006

Learn about how you are when you are in your wounded self.

The wounded self is the part of us that is based on core shame - the false belief that there is something essentially wrong with us. Most of us concluded this when we were very young and did not receive the love we needed. Rather than conclude that our parents were incapable of loving us in the way we needed to be loved - which would have left us feeling helpless and hopeless - we decided it was our fault we were not receiving the love we needed. We decided we were defective, flawed in some essential way. Deciding this took us out of helplessness and hopelessness - if it was our fault we weren't being loved, then we could do something about it. We could figure out how to be to have control over getting the love and approval we needed and avoiding the disapproval and rejection we feared.

The wounded self confuses love and approval. While we can often have control over getting approval, we can never have control over getting love, since love by definition is a free gift. Basic to the wounded self is the belief that it can have control over getting love. Whenever we are trying to control anything - others or the outcome of things - we are operating from our wounded self. There are many layers of control within the wounded self, which generally get tapped into in relationships.

The wounded self is the ego, the part of us who learned, as a child and adolescent, to be an unloving Adult. Another term we use for this aspect of ourselves is "child-adult," because this part of the self is like a child who had to learn to be a little adult, who had to take care of things that should have been beyond his or her responsibility. This is the wounded aspect of the soul. Our child-adult is often a mirror image of one or both of our parents. Even though we may have said, "I'll never be like that," our wounded self learned to be just like our parents.

Your wounded self is the aspect that was harmed by physical, emotional, or sexual abuse or neglect, and it carries all the fears, false beliefs and controlling behavior that resulted from our unloving experiences. While these fears, beliefs and behavior cause us pain in our adult lives, they were the only way we could feel safe when we were children. Your wounded self can be any age in any given moment, depending upon how old you were when you learned a particular false belief, addiction or way to control.

Your wounded self has many parts that were developed to handle pain, especially if there was severe physical or sexual abuse. You may have a mean, angry or violent part, a withdrawn part, a lewd or obscene part, and a "nice" part who learned to be a "good" boy or girl. You may have a part that uses food, drugs or alcohol to numb out fear and loneliness. All the parts of the wounded self need healing, and they can be healed only through compassion, acceptance and unconditional love. Once you understand that these wounded parts of yourself were your survival mechanisms in childhood, you can feel grateful and compassionate toward them instead of judgmental. Your challenge is to learn to love the parts of yourself that you usually judge.

The wounded self is always trying to protect against a perceived threat of rejection or engulfment, a threat experienced in the past and projected onto the present or future. Through anger, blame, resistance, capitulation or withdrawal, the wounded self hopes to ward off and control that which it fears. In addition, the wounded self is in denial - protecting against experiencing the pain that results from its own choices. The wounded self always sees itself as a victim of others' choices. It believes others cause its pain.

The intent to protect - the choice to control rather than to open to learning - automatically closes your heart. When your heart is closed, you cannot bring through truth and Divine Love, and you cannot give and receive love with others. You are alone inside and this terrible aloneness then drives your wounded self to try to have control over getting love to stop the painful feeling of aloneness.

One of the major false beliefs of the wounded self is that we, as separate egos, cut off from Spirit, can have power over ourselves and others. We can, to a certain extent, control others' behavior (although not their feelings), but not without violating ourselves and others. The wounded self is willing to violate oneself and others to have this control. As wounded child-adults, we violate ourselves through substance and process addictions. We violate others through controlling (and sometimes violent) behavior. Whenever we violate ourselves or others, we are acting from our wounded self.

Your wounded self is codependent, that is, depends upon others to define its worth. Since it operates from core shame, it does not know who you really are. It does not know your true Self, your core Self - the spark of the Divine within you, because it does not know Divine Love. The wounded self hands the job of defining your worth over to others - and continue the cycle of woundedness by trying to control getting others' love, approval and attention in order to feel worthy.

This is the part of us that feels either one up or one down. Because it believes it is essentially flawed, its worth is defined by looks and performance and it is always comparing itself to others. All judgments and intolerance come from the wounded self, as well as many rules and shoulds. Since the wounded self wants control, it often operates from rules and shoulds that it believes will keep it safe. The wounded self believes it can have control over safety, and expends much energy in trying to have this control.

While the wounded self may believe in God, it does not know God. The wounded self cannot have a direct experience of Spirit because its heart is closed against that experience. In face, the wounded self is terrified of surrendering and opening to Guidance, for fear of losing itself and being controlled by God. Often, right after having a wonderful experience of Spirit, we may find ourselves disconnecting and not doing our inner work. This because the wounded self, whose whole definition of self is about control, is terrified of losing control. The more we allow the wounded self to be in charge, the less inner and spiritual work we will do.

However, if you practice the Six Steps of Inner Bonding daily, you will find that your loving Adult gains the upper hand so that the wounded self is no longer in control of your choices.

It is very important, in getting to know our wounded self, to not judge ourselves. We all have wounded selves within.

The following are some of the characteristics of the wounded self:

Fears - rejection/abandonment, and domination/engulfment
Fears helplessness over loneliness
Wants control over everything
Concerned with rules and shoulds
Always feels one-up or one-down. Needs to feel special, #1.
Authoritarian (critical, judgmental) and permissive (indulgent) with self and/or others in same way parents were
Expects instant gratification
Needy, jealous, dishonest, narcissistic
Uses others or feels used by others
Feels victimized; indulges in self-pity
Projects own anger and fear onto others and denies own fears and intent
Always in past and future, never in the moment
Resistant to control/fear of control - Resistance Syndrome
Fears the unknown - lack of faith in Guidance
Sense of entitlement - I give or gave and you owe me. Giving to get. Giving with conditions.

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Comments

Author	Comment	Date
sissijean Oklahoma City, Oklahoma	I have really connected with Inner Bonding. I know the child that was never hurt. I can feel her. I also know I have to practice the steps everyday to connect and let go of the wounded child/adult. I can relate to the story above about connecting with the Spirit, and then disconnecting and not doing the work. It has happened to me. Now I know why that happens. I pray I work these steps, connect daily to my core, and be the person I have wanted to be for so many years. I am greatful for the course on Inner Bonding. Out of all the reading, and therapy I have done, this has touch me, and I believe it. Hopefully the great information, along with my intent to learn; I will be the real me!! Oklahoma City, OK 07/08	07/12/2008 01:09 PM
Dr.Margaret Durango Colorado	Thanks for sharing this! Please let us know how we can support you in staying devoted to practicing Inner Bonding.	07/12/2008 02:41 PM

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