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The Fear of Expressing Anger

By Dr. Margaret Paul
December 31, 2006



Are you afraid that if you express your anger you will get out of control the way one of both of your parents did and cause harm? Discover the powerful Inner Bonding Anger Process and learn to express anger in healthy ways.

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There is much to learn from anger, yet many people are afraid of this feeling because they don't know how to express anger in ways that are helpful rather than harmful. I teach a process at my weekend Inner Bonding workshops called "The Anger Process." This powerful process, which is described below, is not only for releasing pent-up anger in harmless ways, but for discovering what your responsibility is in any conflict with another person.

Often, when I describe this process in a workshop, some people get anxious and want to leave. They are afraid of anger and of expressing their anger. This is invariably because they come from a family where one or both of their parents or other caregivers were angry in a mean, violent way - a way that caused harm to others. These people are so afraid of being like their mother or father that they repress their anger, taking it out on themselves instead of others.

Neither dumping anger on others nor repressing it and taking it out on oneself is healthy. Anger expressed in these ways is about controlling rather than learning. Venting anger on another is about controlling through intimidation and blame. Anger dumped on oneself is about controlling feelings that are harder to feel than anger, such as fear, anxiety, loneliness, or helplessness over others.

Anger is an important emotion. It is here to tell us something, to teach us how we are thinking or behaving that is not in our highest good. You may have been taught that other people's behavior causes your anger, yet this is generally not true. Others may behave in ways that you don't like, but your anger at them is frequently a projection of how you are not taking care of yourself - a way to control them rather than take care of yourself.

It's important to differentiate between blaming anger and justified anger, which is really outrage. Outrage is the feeling we have when there is injustice, such as seeing someone abuse a child. Outrage moves us to take appropriate, loving action in our own or others behalf.

Blaming anger comes from feeling like a victim and gets us off the hook from having to take personal responsibility for ourselves. This anger does not lead to learning or to healthy action.

The anger process is a way of expressing anger that leads to learning and growth. When people in my workshop want to leave rather than do the process, I explain to them that it is very important for them to reassure the frightened child within that this anger is not like their father's or mother's anger - it is not being expressed with the intent to control. It is being expressed with the intent to learn.

The Anger Process is a three-step process:

  1. Fully express anger toward a person you are presently angry with (not in their presence!). You can yell, call names, kick something, and pound with fists on a pillow or with a bat, but you cannot harm yourself or anyone else.
  2. Ask yourself who this person reminds you of in the past - parent, teacher, sibling, friend - and then let the angry part of you again fully express the anger.
  3. Finally - and this is the most important part - allow the angry child within to express his or her anger at you, the adult, for any ways you are not taking care of yourself in this conflict, or any ways you are treating yourself badly.

Step Three is the most important part, because it brings the issue home to personal responsibility. If you just do the first two parts, you are left feeling like an angry victim. The anger that comes from being a victim is a bottomless pit and will never lead to learning and resolution.

Once you understand that you can express your anger with an intention to learn, your fear of your own anger will go away. You don't have to repress your anger in order to not be like your parents. You can express it harmlessly in The Anger Process and learn about what your anger is trying to tell you.

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Comments

Author Comment Date

TenderSpirit
Lakewood Washington United States
This is very insightful and speaks to my anger. Also speaks to my angry (Hateful) wounded child within. It has been/was so confusing to me why I always knew within the depths of my soul that I am a kind loving person. Yet always felt angry, and hateful but could never express those thoughts and feelings and reactions because first those reactions even when I felt them within myself felt pretty damn threatening and harmful. Thats what I knew, thats what I experenced. After dialouguing with that inner hateful child child this evening and seeing that she is really kind and caring and loving undernieth the mask and noise. Being open to having compssion for that hatefulness and anger, have learned that it is really not anger, but as this aritcle and my understanding is the OUTRAGE I have been feeling and harboring. Yes, anger and rage and hate are my way of abondoning myself and inner child, this evening I learn that it is more OUTRAGE which is more honoring to my wounded child which allows her to openly share feel much safer with self. Outrage allows her to be heard and those feelings of rage, anger and hate can be directed at those that are responsible and I do not hve to heap more pain on my inner child. As I am learning and help me if I am confused .... Anger rage and hate and about abondoning the inner wounded child, as to where Outrage is proper and honroing to the wounded child if directed at the appropriate individuals. Not sure if I shared from heart properly or clearly. I know as I am dialuging with my inner wounded child and the hateful inner child thats she is proper in feeling that OUTRAGE about the injustices that were experienced, the honoing and part of taking responsibility for the feeling is to use the 3 step anger process to express that outrage? Am I anywhere close to understanding this properly with inner IB with my WC? This is profound for me on this journey.

Be Blessed!
03/12/2008 12:06 AM

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