By Dr. Margaret Paul
20876 Hit(s)
October 03, 2008
William grew up with a mother who was depressed much of her life. As the oldest of three children with a father who was not around much, William took on a lot of responsibility for his mother's wellbeing. He grew up as a kind and caring man, believing that he was responsible for another's feelings, especially a woman's.
Lauren grew up in a family where she received constant criticism from her father. From the time she was little, she had learned to try to do everything right in order to have control over getting her father's approval and avoiding his disapproval. Lauren learned early in life to make others responsible for her feelings.
As so often happens, William and Lauren got together at their common level of woundedness, with William feeling responsible for Lauren's feelings and Lauren making William responsible for her feelings. But it didn't take long for William to feel engulfed by Lauren's demands and to shut down as a way to protect himself from being controlled by her. The more William shut down, the angrier and more demanding Lauren got, and the angrier Lauren got, the more William shut down. Both felt deeply lonely in the relationship, each reacting to the other's wounded self.
As long as William believed he was responsible for Lauren's feelings, he was unable to feel any of his natural caring and empathy for her. And as long as Lauren believed that William was responsible for her feelings, she was unable to feel any of her natural kindness toward him.
The fact is that we cannot feel both empathy toward another and responsibility for their feelings at the same time.
We cannot feel empathy for another when we feel burdened by responsibility for their feelings, or when we believe that the other is responsible for our feelings. As long as William continued to believe that he was responsible for Lauren's feelings, all he knew to do was shut down. As long as Lauren believed that William was responsible for her feelings, all she knew to do was get angry and blaming.
Fortunately, William and Lauren were willing to learn and practice Inner Bonding. William did deep work on understanding the sources of his false belief that he was responsible for Lauren's feelings, and was eventually able to let go of this false belief, as well as learn how to take responsibility for his own feelings when he felt attacked or pulled on by Lauren. As he developed his loving adult, he was able to take loving care of himself while staying open and caring about Lauren.
Lauren did her own deep Inner Bonding work to finally let go of her long pattern of making others responsible for her feelings. She discovered that her current feelings of abandonment were not because of William at all, but rather because she so often abandoned herself by ignoring her own feelings. She discovered that the moment she made William responsible for her feelings, she felt abandoned because making him responsible for her feelings was an abandonment of herself. As she learned to take loving care of her own feelings, her anger toward William gradually disappeared.
This is the most important work any individual or couple can do to bring about their own happiness and improve all their relationships. Learning to take responsibility for your own feelings and not for another's feelings is vital for your inner peace, joy and loving relationships.
Heal your relationship with Dr. Margaret’s 30-Day online video relationship course: Wildly, Deeply, Joyously in Love.
Image by Pezibear from Pixabay
- Comments
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Dr.Margaret - Berthoud - 05/14/2010 07:51 PM
Maha, you are doing really great work!
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maha2us - North Chelmsford - 05/14/2010 09:47 PM
I eagerly look forward to interactions with others in which I am taking no responsibility for how the other person feels about me or thinks about me.
Cheers and Hugs,
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Dr.Margaret - Berthoud - 05/15/2010 05:31 AM
Great! And equally important is to focus on taking responsibility for yourself, because if you are doing this, then you will automatically not be taking responsibility for them.
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maha2us - North Chelmsford - 05/16/2010 07:36 PM
Very true, Dr: M. Taking responsibility for myself/my IC is important. I could see so far I was having a little boy within me who was like an orphan looking here and there for solace and succor. The worst he felt is something is wrong with him as he could not get the love he requires from anyone except me. The feelings I would have automatically is being disrespected in the society. But when I am taking care of my IC, I feel respected also. What is unfortunate is my wife also has a little girl within her, who is looking for solace from me. But now I know that I won't be able to take care of her little girl and I can accept myself in that situation. Cheers and Hugs,
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maha2us - North Chelmsford - 06/01/2010 01:09 AM
Dr: M, I realize the truth in your statement, 'And equally important is to focus on taking responsibility for yourself, because if you are doing this, then you will automatically not be taking responsibility for them.' in a better way. I have not been taking responsibility for myself in many ways. I have also let my wife abuse me in certain ways. She would repeatedly tell me that she will go to the court, the way I reacted to her was with some indifference but not taking full responsibility for myself. Of course, I have a long history of living with the emotional abuses made by my parents on me. I am wondering what is the loving action I am taking for myself when my dad answers when any visitor asks questions to me. The best I am able to do now is not to put pressure on myself.
Cheers and Hugs,
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Kate48 - Ontario - 06/01/2010 03:32 AM
This is lovely to read, Maha. Thank you for the growth you're doing with yourself and sharing it, as it inspires and helps the rest of us. I was especially touched by the line "I could see so far I was having a little boy within me who was like an orphan looking here and there for solace and succor." That seems to say it all for me, with the answer, of course, to be taking care of the child ourselves, feeling the pain of it!
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Dr.Margaret - Berthoud - 06/01/2010 05:17 AM
Maha, I would think that your little boy needs you to say something like this to your dad, in a kind voice, "Dad, please don't answer for me. I'm capable of answering for myself," and then going ahead and answering the question. It is likely that you dad is not aware that he is answering for you, as the WS is unaware of itself, or thinks he is helping you.
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maha2us - North Chelmsford - 06/01/2010 05:32 AM
Dr: M, I have told my dad a few times, not to answer for me. But though he accepts at the moment, what I had to say, he is unable to give up that habit. My loving action I guess in this situation is not to take what my dad says personally. I have been affirming to myself that what my dad does is not my fault or short coming. (telling my little boy that it is not his fault.) This is the best I am able to do. But I do feel hurt when my dad behaves in this way. I am also well aware that I have no control over what my dad does. Cheers and Hugs,
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Kels707B - 07/15/2019 12:35 AM
Hi Dr M. I am very much like Lauren in this article.
Over the years of working on myself I have slowly let go of making others responsbile for my feelings. However, I still do it occasionally. What should I do to let go completely?
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Dr.Margaret - Berthoud - 07/15/2019 03:55 AM
The more you practice IB and develop your loving adult, the more you will naturally take responsibility for your feelings. Whenever you abandon yourself, the more you will feel hurt and abandoned by others, and then you will likely make them responsible for your feelings.
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Kels707B - 07/15/2019 04:16 AM
thanks Dr M :)
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suziqzee - Charlotte - 07/16/2019 08:57 AM
When someone is making others responsible for their feelings, especially if they are projecting out their own self judgement/low self esteem, how can we lovingly respond without engaging with their WS?
I'm not talking about an intimate relationship like the marriage depicted above. I'm talking about people we have to deal with at synagogue, church, distant relatives at family getherings,other group situations.
There is a woman I'll call Ellen who personalizes things all the time. She is a good person but takes offense/sees signs of disrespect where none was intended.
This crops up all the time.
If we are out at a group luncheon, she will find a way the waitress is deliberately singling her out for disrespect eg didn't remember the extra napkins, to remove the mushrooms from the mixed veggies, etc. She gets very upset, and with tears in her voice, asks why she wasn't important enough to be remembered?
Some of us are on pins and needles trying to anticipate what will set her off (I know, this is my WS at work). Others totally ignore her, which deepens her upset. SHe is a hard working community member.
How can we compassionately respond, without feeding her WS, when this occurs?
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Dr.Margaret - Berthoud - 07/16/2019 10:40 AM
The problem is that when someone is in their WS, they often can't take in a compassionate response. You might want to say, "It makes things very hard for you, doesn't it, when you take others' behavior so personally." But if you think this will set her off then it's actually best to do nothing.
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suziqzee - Charlotte - 07/16/2019 01:56 PM
Yes, everything does set her off when in this state. I do feel responsible for her harassment of waiters as I’m part of the group. I need to let this go and assume the waiter has dealt with similar folks before
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suziqzee - Charlotte - 07/16/2019 11:39 PM
Coda to this discussion: I recently met up with a man I briefly dated when I was 18. He was so intelligent and kind but I didn't feel interested in pursuing things with him. I thought at the time it was mostly bcs we lived far from each other and I didn't have the time/money/energy for a long distance relationship when I was so busy with school and work and on a super itght budget.
I see now that I must have sensed this man's need to hand responsibility to his intimate partner. I probably attracted him so much back then bcs I had been trained to take on the "masculine" energy in my family and that's what he sought in a wife.
He explained that his wife had been the "bad guy" with the kids, and since her death, they had run a bit amok. His mutliply degreed son had found work stressful and quit to start his own foundation -- with no funding. Instead of reporting to work early in the morning, he meets with old politicians still trying to hang onto importance, long out of office, for lunch. His father has been supporting him for years and his father also does all the fund raising for him-- despite also running a full time dental practice.
This man's kids expect him to treat him to incredibly costly family vacations several times a year, too-- even though they are grown with families of their own (adding to the cost-- there are more people involved).
Though he had zero student loan debt and inherited money when his parents died, he has nothing in the bank and had to borrow money to pay his taxes. He has zero free time bcs he moves inefficiently through his work day, leaving his patient notes until after dinner. He complained about his staff nagging him to move along to the next patient-- with no awareness that his lack of sense of time is unfair to busy patients.
Needless to say, I won't be pursuing this relationship further. I'm clear as a bell that I want someone who owns his voice, and have no desire to caretake my partner.
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Dr.Margaret - Berthoud - 07/17/2019 04:36 AM
I'm glad to hear this!
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