By Dr. Margaret Paul
18443 Hit(s)
November 23, 2009
We all have many addictive ways of avoiding feeling our painful feelings and taking responsibility for them. Some of the ways are obvious, such as using substances and actvities. Some of the ways can be subtle.
Leon often struggled with feeling empty inside. Inner emptiness is a symptom of a lack of love inside, and Leon frequently created this inner lack of love with his self-judgments and staying in his head - ignoring his feelings. Sometimes he would fill the emptiness with food, work or TV. But other times he would act out addictively by bringing up issues - generally the same issues over and over - with his wife Susan.
The major issue he focused on was how they spent money. He would start the conversation by stating, "We really need to talk about the money situation." Susan would feel a knot in her stomach, knowing that Leon was aching for an endless discussion about money that would likely end in a fight and distance. She felt like she was in a no-win: if she talked about money, it would go on for hours and end in anger. If she didn't, she would be accused of withdrawing and running away from problems. There seemed to be no good way out for Susan.
Eventually, Susan learned to trust her feelings and say to Leon, "I will be happy to talk with you about anything when you are open, but right now your energy feels closed. Let me know when you are feeling really great and then we can talk about it." Not surprisingly, Leon never approaches her to talk about money when he is feeling good!
Carole periodically says to Rick, "We need to talk about our lack of communication." Rick immediately knows that Carole is feeling badly and is trying to feel better by getting in to a long and drawn-out conversation about their lack of communication. If he engages, he ends up angry. If he doesn't, he gets blamed for not communicating. Rick has learned to disengage just as Susan has, saying, "I'd love to communicate with you about anything when you are open, but right now my experience of you is that you are angry, and we are not going to get anywhere. Let me know when you are feeling good and then we can talk about anything you want." Again, when Carole is feeling happy, she never brings up their lack of communication!
The subject can be anything - child raising, sexuality, money, how time is spend, how much TV kids watch, health, nutrition, how clean or dirty the house is, chores that need to be done. It is not that these things don't need to be discussed - they often do. But there is a huge difference between approaching your partner from a true desire to learn and resolve issues, or a desire to avoid your anxiety, emptiness, loneliness, heartache, or helplessness.
Lovingly Disengaging
If you are the partner at the other end of what may feel like an attack - even though it is couched as a question or a statement of wanting to talk - your best bet is to trust your stomach! If your stomach gets tight when your partner comes to you to talk, trust it. Learn to take loving care of yourself by refusing to talk when you are picking up your partner's needy, abandoned, or angry energy. Recognize that your partner is acting out addictively to avoid responsibility for his or her own feelings, and that trying to talk will only create more conflict.
However, it is most important when you disengage, that you do not withdraw your love. It might even be helpful if you give your partner a sincere hug, coming from your compassion at knowing that your partner is hurting. Let your partner know that when he or she is open to learning, you will be there - to talk about an issue or to be of help with whatever your partner is feeling.
Heal your relationship with Dr. Margaret’s 30-Day online video relationship course: Wildly, Deeply, Joyously in Love.
- Comments
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Lightworker - Canton - 11/24/2009 01:03 PM
Wonderful article! It amazes me that Susan was used as one of the women involved. I have the EXACT same problem with my husband whom when he feels stressed about money (which is most of the time) even though he has more than enough to live well, he brings up the same conversation about money as was written above. I always get a knot in my stomach when he starts with as I have usually had to assure him that there is more than enough in his pocket, bank account and assets for him not to be homeless anytime soon, or go without anything for that matter. I really dislike even going there! It is his fear and not mine. I will use this dialog the next time he brings the issue of money up.
Also, I see myself in the matter of Carole in that my husband and I do have a problem with communication at times. I tell him and behave the same way as Carole does at times. I am learning a new approach to use in such situations thanks to IB! Again, Many thanks Dr. Margaret!
Susan
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Dr.Margaret - Berthoud - 11/24/2009 01:59 PM
Thanks for your comments. I think this is a very common issue is relationships.
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UrbanGrlNextDoor - Toronto - 11/24/2009 05:18 PM
I did this maneuver more often than an Olympic skater did triple axle jumps in my last relationship! Great article Margaret and it was humbling to see myself mirrored in this pattern.
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Lightworker - Canton - 11/24/2009 06:24 PM
Lol! Yes! An Olympic skater! I am so very glad this was sent today because I really needed the insightful advice that is here in this article to move forward in my marriage. After all these years of going through the same 'loop' of behaviors by the both of us, I now have a solid foundation on which to improve myself and can break this crazy-making pattern. I have begun to notice wonderful changes in the relationship since I've been practicing IB, and this article gets to the core of many issues between us. In many ways I see changes in his behaviors with me as I change in becoming the LA I have always needed. I no longer feel the old need of him changing to 'suit' me, I only need to 'let go' of my resistance in his behaviors. Being here is as a bright light at the end of a dark tunnel :)
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c-fog - Melbourne Beach - 11/30/2009 11:29 AM
I see my pattern as being like Carole. The situation is that my partner does not loving disengage, but rather blames and shames me for being needy and emotionally immature. This is like salt in the wound to me. Is this emotional abusive behavior even if I am that one who started the cycle by trying to get my partner to make me feel better?
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Dr.Margaret - Berthoud - 11/30/2009 03:32 PM
It is emotionally abusive behavior, but you are also emotionally abusing yourself by making your partner responsible for your feelings. He is treating you like you are treating yourself. As long as you abandon yourself to him, he is likely to treat you badly. I suggest that you take your focus off whether he is emotionally abusing you, and focus on your own self-abandonment.
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Shakti1008 - New York - 01/06/2020 01:55 PM
oh this is exactly what i needed to hear. and realziging relationships are so so hard!!!!
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Kels707B - 03/17/2020 02:08 AM
"Carole periodically says to Rick, "We need to talk about our lack of communication." Rick immediately knows that Carole is feeling badly and is trying to feel better by getting in to a long and drawn-out conversation about their lack of communication. If he engages, he ends up angry. If he doesn't, he gets blamed for not communicating. Rick has learned to disengage just as Susan has, saying, "I'd love to communicate with you about anything when you are open, but right now my experience of you is that you are angry, and we are not going to get anywhere. Let me know when you are feeling good and then we can talk about anything you want." Again, when Carole is feeling happy, she never brings up their lack of communication!"
I AM CAROLE!!!!!!!!! I did this with my partner this morning!! Luckily my partner is very very caring, more caring towards me than I am towards myself. I finally realised today that when I bring up our lack of communication and connection, I am avoiding my feelings. I did an IB process and loving held my IC in her loneliness and helplessness until it subsided and now I feel great and do not want to discuss anything with my partenr and feel our relationship is amazing!!!
The REAL issue is not the lack of communication or connection, it is me not taking responsibility for my own feelings, for my loneliness and helplessness!!!! What is even more funny, when I am taking care of my own feelings, my partner connects with me more :) I assume that is because my energy has changed and is more welcoming?
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Dr.Margaret - Berthoud - 03/17/2020 04:02 AM
Yes! He is attracted t you when you are loving yourself, and not when you are abandoning yourself.
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suziqzee - Charlotte - 03/19/2020 09:43 AM
What a great article! I have not had this issue with romantic partners (not that I've had that many!)....but I have had this with my mother and with needy female friends.
It is crazy making to be on the end of drama that is about the other person's lack of caring about themselves, the other person's low self esteem and self abandonment yet they are making the issue about my lack of caring/communication/whatever.
Four years ago, I became friendly with the last of such women, a woman who shares many of my interests. After a few months, I ended the friendship and let her know I couldn't cope with her constant pulling for attention. Since then we have seen each other in our many joint clubs/activities and finally, after four years, I accepted her invitation to a keto dinner club she runs (which is excellent). She has tried very hard to reduce her old behavior but her self abandonment remains, which is why she continues to pull for attention, and gets offended if I'm not available. She wants a very intimate friendship I do not desire with her.
I am choosing to regard this as an opportunity to learn to step into LA in a situation that is massively triggering to me.
What does one do if the other person is almost always in a state of sefl abandonment? When M isn't pulling for attention/validation, she is gossiping, relating stories about how she told off this or that person, or becoming offended one didn't give her the attention she desires.
I really don't want to be a friend of hers (whereas I guess Rick and SUsan would like to stay with their spouses?)...but I do enjoy being in clubs with her and being part of her dinner group. She is bright, adds a lot to the conversations, and is addressing our insulin resistance in an innovative way.
With someone so low in self esteem/high in abandonment,
Just as a small example, today I have urgent financial things to take care of during daylight hours. We are all in quarantine and M is bored. She called demanding that I can make some time for her today to at least take a walk together and she wanted a run down of all I'm doing today. Which I didn't do. She was very offended but will get over it. I find this pulling very wearing.
Others who know her also find her wearing, but have found a way to manage dealing with her so that they can continue playing cards, dinner club, etc. I guess it's about drawing a boundary and allowing the other person to be as angry/hurt as they wish?
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Dr.Margaret - Berthoud - 03/19/2020 09:53 AM
I just ask my guidance what is loving to me in any given situation and then I do that. There are no rules or template for how to deal with people like this.
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suziqzee - Charlotte - 03/19/2020 10:50 AM
Dr M you are so right. When WS is in play, I don't hear Guidance.
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Dr.Margaret - Berthoud - 03/19/2020 03:53 PM
Remember, WS is in play when your intent is to control, and LA is in charge when your intent is to be loving to yourself - and then you can hear guidance.
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suziqzee - Charlotte - 03/20/2020 06:15 AM
Yes. I have to say this quarantine is giving me a lot of opportunity to do more IB. It is a blessing in many ways. I can really dig deep in the process. TY so much.
In the end, Guidance said that she wants to continue a relationship with me, just as my crazy brother does, and it's up to me to set the boundaries and ignore her hurt pouting/demands. I wrote her a brief note letting her know I felt anxiety when I said I wasn't available and she insisted I 'make time" and she wrote back and said she understood if I was busy. I will continue to set my boundaries and call her out in the moment when she tries to cross them. I feel at peace about that.
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