By Dr. Margaret Paul
18392 Hit(s)
January 18, 2010
What are you afraid of if you say "No" to people? Here are some of the things my clients have told me regarding their fear of saying no:
"I'm afraid of hurting their feelings. Then they will get angry at me and I will feel like a bad person."
"I'm afraid of ending up with no friends. People will reject me if I say no."
"I'm afraid that my partner will get angry and withdraw his love."
Walls instead of "No.
However, when you are afraid to stand up for yourself and say "no" when saying "no" is what is in your highest good, then you might put walls around yourself to avoid having to say "No."
For example, Janice keeps herself 50 pounds overweight because it makes her feel safe from men approaching her for sex. A beautiful woman who was sexually abused as a child, she never learned that it is her responsibility to take care of her own feelings and safety, rather than take responsibility for others' feelings. She is so afraid of hurting a man's feelings by saying "no," that she would rather attempt to protect herself by being overweight than have to face saying "no."
Ron is terrified of being taken advantage of. He believes that if he is open hearted, he will be vulnerable to being used and taken advantage of by others. Because he doesn't want to face his fears of rejection should he say "no" to his family, his friends, his co-workers, or even to a persistent salesperson, he keeps himself safe by being closed, hard, and aloof. He believes that by being unapproachable, he is safe from being taken advantage of. However, he then ends up experiencing the very rejection he is afraid of, because people are put off by his aloofness. Not only that, but keeping himself closed and hard cuts him off from connection and fun with others. All this can change for Ron if he learns to take responsibility for himself by saying "no" when this is what is in his highest good.
Gayle finds herself going along with want others want her to do, and saying the things that she thinks others want to hear, because she is so afraid of others' anger at her. But giving herself up feels awful to her, so after a while, she gets angry and shuts down as a way to protect herself from losing herself. She spends all this energy giving herself up, and then getting angry and shutting down, to avoid having to say "no."
As a child, did you experience the heartbreak of rejection or even of abuse if you said "no" to a parent, a sibling, a friend or relative? Did you learn that either going along with what someone wanted, having a temper tantrum, or shutting down and numbing out were ways to avoid the feeling of heartbreak at not being able to say no?
Protecting Against The Heartbreak of Others' Lack of Caring
It is very painful for all of us when someone just wants what they want and doesn't care about what we want or what we feel is right for us. It is painful when others want to use us or take advantage of us. So you might be protecting yourself against the heartbreak of knowing that another doesn't care about you by giving in, getting angry, gaining weight, or shutting down.
But the irony of this is that when you try to avoid the heartbreak of feeling another's uncaring behavior, you are not caring about yourself. You are abandoning yourself when you give yourself up or close your heart to avoid feeling rejected. By avoiding others' rejection, you are rejecting yourself, which causes much anxiety and depression.
Moving into personal power and emotional freedom means being willing to take the risk of others' uncaring or rejecting behavior and learning to manage the heartbreak of this, rather than continue to abandon yourself.
Join Dr. Margaret Paul for her 30-Day at-home Course: "Love Yourself: An Inner Bonding Experience to Heal Anxiety, Depression, Shame, Addictions and Relationships."
- Comments
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mewl - Toronto - 01/21/2010 05:54 AM
thank you for this article. it articulates so well something that is pretty much front and center for me right now. this is the first time i'm seeing how the many ways that i have avoided saying no--running away, giving in, numbing out--have ended up cutting me off from myself, my joy, and from loving relationships with others.
in giving in to what others want, even when i am tired or otherwise in need of looking after myself, i end up feeling drained, even though a (no doubt wounded) part of me says 'just comply and then you'll feel better.' of course i don't feel better. i had been seeing it as the other person's problem 'she is a black hole of need--it's her fault i am feeling drained' but now i see more clearly how i am letting it happen.
it is challenging to stay present to myself and take the loving action that may stir up uneasiness in those around me, but i am beginning to see how essential those actions are if i really want to be loving to myself.
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Serenity - OTTAWA - 01/22/2010 03:15 AM
My name is written all over this article sadly.
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suziqzee - Charlotte - 07/17/2019 03:40 PM
Serenity, my name is written all over this article, too.
The first time I said, "No" and the dear friendship didn't end was with my former land lady and Holocaust survivor Frances. She had gone out on a big limb to help me pack up to move emergently (my grandmother was ill) and wanted to get my sofa --but a few weeks down the line. I found out I had to get rid of all my furniture within three days bcs of current landlord and could not store the sofa for her until she was ready to get it. It was so hard to tell her that and she understood immediately and loved me anyway.
I am now practicing saying No with friends and family. ALmost all of them are fine with my No-- and the ones who fell away-- what kind of relationship was it if I wasn't allowed my own voice and desires?
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suziqzee - Charlotte - 05/28/2021 10:50 AM
Interesting to see the comments on this wonderful article from a few years back.
I have become much better at saying No with one exception: when people at the helm of organizations I am a member of are overworked and begging for help. They know I am a fair and caring person and let me know what they are asking from me is a fraction of what they themselves are doing. But I don't have the time and energy to pick up as much as they are asking. When I say No, they keep pushing me, asking me "Who will I get to do this? I cannot do it myself" I say I don't know and I feel terrible. It doesn't feel good to enjoy the benefits of an organization and allow the President to be so overworked. I am an extrovert and involved in several groups. I cannot provide volunteer time to all of them. Dr M, what would be the best way for me to be supportive of others while also honoring myself?
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suziqzee - Charlotte - 05/28/2021 12:00 PM
P.S. I DO provide some volunteer work to every organization I belong to-- but it is a small amt of energy. Mostly, I donate money.
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Dr.Margaret - Berthoud - 05/28/2021 01:32 PM
Suzi, I would guess that the energy of your 'no' isn't as firm as it needs to be, or they would accept it without pushing you further. When I say no to people, I never have the experience of people pushing me.
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suziqzee - Charlotte - 05/31/2021 09:22 AM
Dr Paul, I agree. I will work on this including play acting with puppets, which has helped in the past.
Another "no" issue for me: people who want a much closer relationship with me than I want with them and keep pushing to see me/speak to me far more than I wish.
I often meet people through my many activities, who I am happy to have as an occasional activity friend, but who want much, much more.
One such woman began calling me daily. She didn't talk too long on the phone, but I don't have the time/energy/interest in being this close with her and let her know I wasn't available to talk this often. She then wanted to know my frequency-- every other day? Every third day? Once a week? Once every two weeks?
No, I said, I cannot commit to any set schedule.
She said she needed parameters to know how to conduct our friendship. I felt like telling her I didn't really want a friendship with her but that felt too harsh (she is a sweet person and very lonely).
I thought I was clear with a final statement that I rarely spoke to any friends on the phone, but was happy to meet up with her occasionally at the pool for exercise when it fit our mutual schedules. She ended the convo with "I love you!" which felt very inappropriate to me.
She resumed calling daily and I began returning these calls once a week and then when the calls didn't end, I stopped returning them at all. She now feels very hurt and rejected which creates an uncomfortable vibe when I see her around campus.
This is typical of a pattern that has haunted me all my life.
Three questions:
1- Should I have just not returned her calls at the start? Did responding, even though it was to refuse her invitation, encourage her to keep trying? It goes against my nature to just not respond, but perhaps that is the better course of action when I see someone acting as if we are intimate friends when we are not
2-Does giving a reason for being unavailable reduce the power of the No? When pushed as to why I am not free, perhaps I should start to sound a bit annoyed and repeat, "I'm just not available."
3-When people consistently express disappointment in me, I tend to withdraw from the relationship, as it feels like their requests are demands. I wonder now if that is my WS trying to control their reaction to me vs an appropriate withdrawal from people who are indeed too demanding
Thank you!
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Dr.Margaret - Berthoud - 05/31/2021 02:08 PM
When she asked how often and you said you couldn't commit to a schedule and she kept pursuing, at that point I would have set a limit, such as saying something like, "I need for you to respect what I've said to you." And then I wouldn't have discussed it further nor would I have responded to call unless I wanted to.
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suziqzee - Charlotte - 05/31/2021 07:49 PM
Dr M, TY very much. This is so helpful. It never occurred to me to shut down the combo as you suggested. Great idea. I will also get off the phone.
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suziqzee - Charlotte - 06/01/2021 08:13 AM
Dr M, another question: do you show in your voice that you are getting annoyed? I was trained to never show anger, and perhaps therefore give off a confusing message. I'm not suggesting getting overtly angry, but perhaps instead of always sounding enthusiastic/warm, my voice should correctly convey my feelings of firmness/annoyance that my boundaries aren't being respected? Much as I had to learn (with great difficulty) this firm sound with my child?
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Dr.Margaret - Berthoud - 06/01/2021 07:27 PM
I'm firm, but not annoyed. The WS gets annoyed but the loving adult is firm.
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suziqzee - Charlotte - 06/01/2021 07:33 PM
Dr M, it's so hard to hear myself and know how I am coming off. I am going to try to recording myself while I practice, at home, firm assertion.
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Kels707B - 01/11/2023 01:17 AM
Hi Dr M. I just read this article because I am struggling at work. I am very overworked - our target is 7 hours a day and I have been working almost 10 hours daily since August 2022 and most weekends. I raised this with my manager at the end of September before I went on holiday and I didn't work all holiday. But when I came back it was 7 hours for a week or so and then increased back to the overworking. I think this is happening because I am not being firm in my NO (or maybe not even saying it in some cases). How do I learn to say NO firmly? The issue I have is no one else in my organisation says NO, they are all overworked and just keep going so I feel like why can't I be like them and not feel so sick when being overworked and I feel I am being unfair on them by saying NO when they continue to be overworked. I really need to only do 7 hours going forward because I am not well (I have various medical issues which are due to chronic stress). Any guidance would be appreciated. Kels
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Dr.Margaret - Berthoud - 01/11/2023 04:37 AM
It has to be more important to you to take loving care of yourself than to control how others feel about you. It's about your intention.
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Kels707B - 01/12/2023 11:03 PM
Thanks Dr M. So my supervisor asked if I have enough work and am at capacity so I said yes. I am hitting my target every day so I'm at capacity. The next day he came up to me and gave me more work! And today I've just been copied into a new matter. My supervisor is aware of my health issues and that I'm struggling with grief right now and I've said I need to stop overworking past my hours until my health issues are healed. It's like he doesn't care. I really don't know how to take loving care of myself around someone who doesn't respect my boundaries. Is there something im doing to cause him to feel like he can overstep my boundary?
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Meli Jean - 01/13/2023 10:49 AM
In my experience and understanding. Setting limitations or boundaries is not about getting another person to do what you want them to do. It is about telling another person what we will do when someone’s behavior’s feels unloving to us. I understand this can be hard to believe, we have no control over other’s actions or behaviors. I also believe this is hard for you to do, because your boss pays you a salary. However this doesn’t mean is okay to manipulate you or abuse your limitations. We have control on how we respond when someone is not being loving to you, others or themselves. I’m sorry that you are going through this challenge. I hope this can get sorted for you soon. Your health is paramount and so is loving yourself. Kel's I really wish you well and health. I care.
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Dr.Margaret - Berthoud - 01/14/2023 08:26 AM
Great advice Giftedsoul. Kels, as long as you continue to do all the work he gives you, he will continue to give it to you. Setting a limit means that you leave when you need to leave, even if the work isn't done. I know this is hard, but often a supervisor will respect someone who is taking care of themselves more than a person who is giving themselves up.
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