What Are You Telling Yourself About Why You Are Feeling Lonely?

By Phyllis Stein, Ph.D.
December 31, 2006

Are you telling yourself that you will always feel all alone until you find a partner? In this column, Phyllis Stein shows us how, for her, feeling all alone was an inside job.

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To me, loneliness is the feeling of wanting connection with others when no one is available. When I was still married and felt lonely, I believed that the reason was because my husband's heart was closed to me. I dedicated myself to trying to get him to open his heart so that I would be okay. I had to learn to keep my eyes on my own plate. Through Inner Bonding, I have learned, or thought I had, to find that connection in my relationship with God. Recently, however, I was triggered into a bout of deep loneliness. It went on for days. This was not about the momentary loneliness that Margaret has described, the loneliness that tell us that we are with someone who is not available to share love. I told myself that this was because I do not have a partner, and felt especially alone in light of the fact that my ex-husband does have one, the woman he left me for. I was telling myself that I would continue to feel this pain until I found a partner or died, whichever came first. What my wounded self was telling me was actually keeping me in pain.

Then I saw my 7 year-old self who was consciously aware that she did not love her parents and did not feel loved by them. She thought she had only two choices, to resist or comply and I had shown her a third choice of love. What I did not realize is that I had skipped connecting with her and allowing her to share the pain of how alone she was. I had skipped being there to hold her and comfort her. I was very lonely when I was little, but I could never afford to feel it. I held her while she cried and after she finished crying, I smiled at her, loving her. My little girl smiled back, filled with light. The darkness in which she lived for so long was lifted. Oh yes, Inner Bonding, my wounded self had forgotten that this kind of loneliness is an inside job.

I realized again how pervasive being all alone with no one to connect to had been in my life. Growing up, I was very good at not feeling it, but trying not to feel lonely actually kept me from being able to connect with anyone. I could feel that my ex-husband and I, when we met, really connected on the level of deep aloneness, as many people do. Each of us believed that the other was the solution to the problem. Our life together was a sea of loneliness with islands that we could sometimes climb onto where we could connect and not feel how lonely we really were. At the same time, our inner children were no less alone than before. The deep, painful loneliness that I fell into was not about outside circumstances. I was reminded that the solution does not depend on anything more than connecting with and bringing love to those abandoned children inside, so that they and we are free to experience joy and light now. Interestingly, since I had this experience, whenever I start to feel a little bit lonely, in need of connecting with someone, I have exchanged smiles with my little 7-year old buddy inside, and the joy has returned to my heart.

So, if you are feeling the deep pain of being all alone and having no one to connect deeply with, check out the explanation you are giving yourself. The one about your circumstances seems so logical, so true, but is it? Look inside for the little one who is so very lonely and know that this pain can be healed, without changing your outer existence, by your loving adult being present and bringing the light of love to your lonely inner child. The pain was there for so long, yes, but it can be released to God's light by connecting with your child, so that child will not feel all alone ever again.

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Comments

Author	Comment	Date
compassion2007 Fishers Indiana	Thank you Phyllis for this article. I still struggle w/ my boyfriend just suddenly up and leaving me,its' been 6 mos now and still experience the abandonment of his departure. At times I feel I am healing, other times like today, I miss the relationship. I read about people experiencing conflicts w/ their partners and I wish I had a partner to have conflict with! It's a very lonely and isolating feeling. I talk to my IC, do activities I enjoy, work out, and it all helps but it doesn't erase my missing the relationhip, him, and good times we had.	07/05/2007 09:05 AM
Phyllis St. Louis Missouri	Dear Compassion I know it is hard, but I have an important question for you. Have you asked your little girl if any of this pain is about your having abandoned her, maybe during the relationship? I remember when my husband was in the process of leaving me and Margaret told me that this deep pain was not about him. I was totally stunned by what she said, but it proved to be true. It was about my having given the job of loving her to him and I realized that I would stay in that pain until I took the job, that finding someone else to do it was never going to be a solution. Again, I know how hard and painful this is, but this is the time to build the relationship you can count on which is with your real source of love. Hugs Phyllis	07/05/2007 10:01 AM
compassion2007 Fishers Indiana	I have had much dialogue with my IC and have told her never would I do this again to her, abandon her like I did. There were signs by him that he wanted to control the relationship and I let him and we even discussed it but I just was not aware (at the time) that I gave him the job to love her. But now I am at this crossroad and no 2nd chance w/ him as he is closed to learning w/ me. We haven't talked all this time and it's still somewhat shocking to me. I want to feel better. I dialogue with my IC and spirit and do things that are good for me, but still feel immense loss and loneliness/	07/05/2007 11:10 AM
Phyllis St. Louis Missouri	Dear Compassion I can tell you are really hurting. I get a strong gut sense that although you have told your little girl that you will not abandon her again, I think you have not gotten to the depth of HER pain about your abandoning her. I know you are trying to be there for her and the loss is certainly real, but it feels like she still believes that without him she is not okay. Maybe there are some other things about his leaving that you have not worked thru-expectations over having control over relationships perhaps that are still causing you pain. Hugs Phyllis	07/05/2007 01:57 PM
compassion2007 Fishers Indiana	Yes, I think I have not tapped into her depth of pain, are there questions I can ask to help, what can I do to access the depth of her pain? Sometimes I think we do have a superficial relationsship (sort of like what I had with my ex?, a little ironic). I am not aware what my expectations over having control were. Control he wouldn't leave?, that I had control that w/ time he would become more open and intimate in our relationship, not sure. The ending was sudden. One day we were good, the next day he was gone and barely acted like he knew me. I've never heard back from him since. No real dialogue about us, it was his decision and no working things out or sharing. The most painful thing is I feel now I never existed for him.	07/05/2007 02:27 PM
Phyllis St. Louis Missouri	Dear Compassion Everything you said in your reply felt really true, but don't judge it. Everything is about what is going on inside and is important information. You are asking good questions. Let me suggest one question that you could ask your precious little girl "Do you feel like you exist for me?" Good luck and blessings Phyllis	07/05/2007 06:23 PM
compassion2007 Fishers Indiana	Thanks Phyllis. Our correspondence has been helpful. I think I need to hone in on that- the existence part and sometimes feeling invisible in my intimate relationships. Absolutely fascinating, our discoveries about ourselves....	07/06/2007 03:08 AM
Janet1957 Groveland Illinois	Hi Phyllis & Compassion, About 6 weeks ago I also lost a relationship out of the blue after 4 years, and have been struggling to find my feet. I realize that I abandoned my IC to other people to look after many years ago, and I am now trying to take responsibility for myself and my IC. She has been remarkably open with me in sharing her feelings, but I don't think she trusts me to take care of her. Her questions seem to be "How can you take care of me, when you can't take care of yourself? How can you feel my pain when you are so wrapped up in your own?" (Or is this my wounded self interrupting?) I have no answer for her except that I am trying to learn and love and grow as fast as I can. Am I in too much of a hurry?	07/09/2007 03:47 PM
Phyllis St. Louis Missouri	Dear Janet First, yes, this will take time, but congratulations for choosing this way to heal. w What your child is telling you is a sign that that part of you that is trying to take care of her and be there for her is a wounded part which is being judged by another wounded part. There is nothing wrong with that at this point. However, what you probably need to focus on now is creating a loving adult. The loving adult part of you is not in pain. She is in compassion for what is happening but she has accessed a source of love that charges her up, so that she herself is a being of love and caring. She comes from the question "What does it look like to be loving? What are the loving actions?" and she asks them from her spiritual source of guidance, as you are trying to do. Reading articles on the site is helpful for understanding how this works. Also, as we often advise on this site, talking with a facilitator can help you sort out your inner system and speed things up for you. Good luck and hugs Phyllis	07/10/2007 04:06 AM
Janet1957 Groveland Illinois	Dear Phyllis, Yes, I understand that I need to create a loving adult - but how do I go about this? I'm listening, asking questions and I think that I have a spiritual guide (maybe 2)and I have asked for help in being open, help in letting go of the past, help in staying in the present moment, help in talking to my IC and feeling compassion for her. The wounded parts are clamouring for attention from me, sometimes noisily, angrily, and I start to feel overwhelmed, and feel the need to retreat. If I had a stronger loving adult I know I would not feel so overwhelmed and would be able to hang in there. Where is my loving adult and how do I invite her to help me too? Warm regards, Janet	07/15/2007 05:22 AM
gardnur Pittsfield	Hi Janet I've been reading the notes back and forth from you and Phylis, and I feel your pain. It's only been recently that I've come to realize how I give my little boy to someone else to take care of when I'm in a relationship. I never received nuturing and love when I was a child, and I never knew - until recently - how to give it to myself. So this lonely little boy has been out there desperately trying to find someone to let him know that he's OK and to love him. I guess one of the ways I started to form a loving adult was to visualize how I would respond to my own child if she or he were experiencing this kind of emptiness. I would probalbly start out by letting him know that I'm there for him and that I love him very much. I'd probably hold him and let him cry if he needed to. I think it starts with just being present and compassionate - as any healthy, loving adult would be for their own child. Dialouging with Spirit/Guidance to bring in that love is normally a part of the process in forming a loving adult. Hope this is helpful Gardnur	07/15/2007 03:08 PM
Phyllis St. Louis Missouri	Dear Janet How are you doing at filling with love from a source of love? I did not hear that from your question, so maybe that is what you need to focus on. As always, it can help to work with a facilitator to learn more about creating a loving adult. Short message today because it is bedtime :-) Hugs Phyllis	07/15/2007 05:11 PM
Janet1957 Groveland Illinois	Hi Gardnur, Thank you for responding and helping. I'm trying to do as you suggest, and it always starts out OK, but then all those wounded people become very demanding and I feel as if I'm trying to love 2 or 3 or 4 different ones - and what's worse, they are competing for my attention, and interrupt when I am trying to ask my guidance for help. There are too many people in my head and I don't know how to set boundaries - which is where a strong adult would be of great help! Is it OK to tell all those wounded people in there (and they are not all children, there is definitely a wounded adult who is just as demanding as the children!) to sit tight and let me gain strength? I can't heal everything all at once and I'm feeling pressure to make everything OK. Thank you for caring and responding! Janet	07/16/2007 04:44 AM
Janet1957 Groveland Illinois	Dear Phyllis, I'd have to say I'm not doing very well at filling with a source of love, I'm talking to my guidance but keep getting interrupted. Sometimes, (not often) I feel fine, and not lonely, but it's almost as it the wounded parts of me cannot stand it when I'm doing OK and like to remind me of all my fears and anxieties, and in those times it's really hard to find a connection to my guidance, and then I get completely depleted. I can't help wishing that time would speed up so I can heal more quickly! Thank you for your support.... sometimes I think I'm going crazy... Warm regards, Janet	07/16/2007 04:52 AM
gardnur Pittsfield	Hi Janet I'm fortunate and have been seeing a facilatator for the past couple of years now. I wouldn't trade this experience for the world. And I know when I can't stop feeling overwhelmed it's so incredibly valuable to have that direction and guidance that my facilatator provides. Have you thought about getting connected with one? It sounds like it might be a loving thing to do for your little one (ones). Bill	07/16/2007 06:29 AM
jennybean Marietta (Suburb of Atlanta) Georgia United Stizzies	oh! i can so relate to the fact that when you're re feeling good the wounded parts can't stand it. i recommend reading the article about tolerating joy, and the "backlash of the wounded self".	07/16/2007 07:24 AM
wolfsandfeathers Windsor Canada	Janet your loving adult resides in you. However, just like a muscle it will take training to develope a strong loving adult that can help the IC and be a power woman in the world. So, while talking with the IC and guidance are important, it is also important not to stop at the 4th step. Moving into the 5th step, TAKING the loving action is what will develop the strong loving adult. It has been my experience that as long as I am taking action my IC is willing to be patient with my learning process.	07/16/2007 08:53 AM
compassion2007 Fishers Indiana	Hi all.. I think this is where I'm at- stuck at Step 5. After reading the lesson, I'm going to explore being willing to risk losing something and how would that feel, what am I afraid of? I have been really getting in touch with my wounded IC recently and yet I am not feeling better. I'm not sure what this is about other then I'm still developing my strong loving adult and this does not come over night. I just had no idea how much control is present for me but still not sure what I am afraid of risking. Of course I want to gain my true SElf , yet why isnt' it happening? Great post..	07/16/2007 11:06 AM
lindawis Doylestown Pennsylvania	Janet, I can relate. I am getting good at finding the loving action and even taking it, but I beat myself up because I let other people do Step 6 for me: evaluate the action. Sheesh! Of course, they're not going to like me standing up for myself after all these years! Right now, I am trying to relax and feel the loneliness and helplessness this entails. It's okay. The sun still comes up and the world still turns. You will be okay. You are always okay.	07/16/2007 11:39 AM
Phyllis St. Louis Missouri	Dear Janet It is hard not to be impatient. I totally agree with Patty's analogy that the loving adult is like a muscle that gets stronger with use. One of the ways that this muscle has to get stronger is to learn to fill up with love from a source of love. To use a different analogy, not filling up with love and then expecting to take care of your little one is like not drinking and going out into the hot sun. You get depleted fast. I think we often are in such a hurry to fix the problem, that we forget this step. This is not about getting "information" about the loving action, this is about finding the being/guide/animal who totally loves you, who can show you who you really are, how incredible you are, how totally deserving of love, indeed how totally loving you really are. This is about taking time to "drink" from the fountain before you do anything. I hope that helps. Hugs Phyllis	07/16/2007 04:41 PM
Janet1957 Groveland Illinois	Thank you all for your input, to hear so many views of a problem is very helpful, and now that I know it's OK to move over a step, and go to step 5 I think I'll try that and see if I can make my IC more trusting and less anxious. It makes total sense that she would like to see some action instead of all this talk and promises. I'll remember to stop and drink too, Phyllis. Thank you to all who wrote to simply say they understand, that is very comforting in itself. Warmly, Janet	07/17/2007 02:37 AM
Janet1957 Groveland Illinois	Hi Linda, Your last few sentences about relaxing and feeling the loneliness and helplessness spoke to me. You're right, the sun still comes up, the world still turns and I will be OK, regardless of how much turmoil I feel I am in right now. I'll hold on to those thoughts. Janet	07/17/2007 02:49 AM
Nelson Dover New Jersey	Thanks Janet for sahring this. It´s something very similar that happen to me, and it seems it never ends. All the wounded voices talking, not knowing when to stop or when allow the to talk, judgin for not knowing, for being too hard or too soft, etc., etc., etc...What I have learned a litle bit is that allowing the wounded parts to feel any emotion (just staying with the feeling -just did it today and I'm happy reding these articles-), then the body (which in my case represents wounded parts) at some point takes this attention (for feeling the feeling) and allows me to breathe more deeply; this releases the tension and the wounded part feel alleviated. Other times, as I know where these wounded parts reside in my body, I put mysefl in front of a mirrow and try to develope compassion toward my body, peting onelsef, looking at the eyes and rememebering touching experiences. Putting some inner child music may help also, Probably the tears will help you to release the tension and pain inside...is true i have to do this everyday, but when i´m patiene enough, I get really beautiful rewards. Good luck and patience.	10/16/2007 06:41 PM
EmilyAgnew Rochester New York United States	HI Nelson, When I read what you wrote about "it seems like it never ends", and also that you have to do this every day, I felt an urge to check in with you. You described trying to be present with the feelings in your body, putting on music, and trying to be compassionate as you described. These all sound like helpful ways of being with your Inner Child. But hearing that the pain is coming back every day made me wonder--have you been able to move into steps three through six, to find out what you are doing/not doing or telling yourself that is causing the pain? Other wise it is like bailing a boat over and over, but not pulling it out of the water to fix the leaks that are causing the water to come in in the first place. What comes up for you as you read this? Warmly Emily	10/17/2007 05:23 AM

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A Testimonial

I am so very grateful of the love and safety and skill and support here (and amazing honest openness of sharing of everyone). I learned so much about myself with this work and Margie, and I learned so much from each of the other couples [at this couples intensive]. The Inner Bonding process is a gift from Spirit that I wish every person could experience. I arrived disconnected from my inner self, with limited awareness of how my past impacts my feelings today. After five days I gained so many valuable insights that allow me to truly express myself. This gave me the tools to change the way I behave in my relationship in the future.

Randi Burnham,Nurse Practitioner
DePere,Wisconsin
920-399-0867
randiDELETE_HERE@new.rr.com