Are you waiting for someone, something, or God to rescue you? Discover how wanting to be rescued cuts you off from connecting with your spiritual Guidance. Print this article
Marnie had been doing Inner Bonding for quite some time but was still stuck in her ego wounded self. She had excellent access to her spiritual Guidance, but she rarely opened to learning about the truth and the loving action with her Guidance. She was in the process of ending yet another relationship and she was not happy.
Once again, in one of our phone sessions, I said to Marnie, "There must be a good reason why you don't want responsibility for yourself. We have explored the fact that you want someone else to do it, and you know that someone else is not going to do it. I'm wondering what is keeping you stuck. Why are you not opening to your Guidance? What are you waiting for?"
"I'm waiting to be rescued."
The minute the words were out of Marnie's mouth, she knew that a door had opened for her.
"Rescued! Yes! I've been waiting my whole life to be rescued! Someone or something is supposed to come along and rescue me! Wow! Suddenly I understand so much! I haven't been able to really hear my Guidance because I have been going to my Guidance to be rescued rather than to learn. Now I understand why I've had so much resentment. I resent my boss for not rescuing me. I resent my brother for not rescuing me. And I've resented every man I've been with for not rescuing me.
"There has been no way to learn with my Guidance as long as I was expecting my Guidance to rescue me. My Guidance was supposed to take away my pain. So was my boss. So was by family and my boyfriends. Now I see why I haven't been motivated to take care of myself on any level. Someone else was supposed to rescue me - not me!"
Marnie was so excited about this discovery. In our next session, she was just as excited.
"Something big has shifted in me. This week, instead of ignoring the feelings of my inner child, I've been attending to them. Instead of eating and main-lining the phone, I've been having actual conversations with my inner little girl. She is so excited that I'm finally paying attention to her! I've been able to meditate every day and dialogue with her throughout the day. My Guidance has been telling me volumes! My early morning anxiety is starting to go away. And I've lost 2 1/2 pounds! I always knew that I wanted someone else to take care of me, but I didn't know that I wanted to be rescued. Knowing this has made all the difference!"
Sometimes a word makes all the difference in the world. For Marnie, the words "take care of me," "take responsibility for me," or "love me," did not have the same meaning at all as "rescue me."
Does this word have meaning for you? Is your wounded self waiting to be rescued? Does your wounded self believe that God should rescue you, or that your partner, your parents, your children, your siblings, your friends, or your therapist should rescue you? Are you waiting for a job to rescue you? Or a marriage? Is the "right" person for you someone who will rescue you?
For Marnie, everything changed when she realized that she desperately wanted to be rescued and that no person or thing was going to come along and rescue her. Marnie has decided to rescue herself, and it is this decision - this shift in her intent - that has changed everything for her.
Because Marnie now wants to rescue herself, she is clearly hearing the voice of her Guidance. She is amazed at how much information is coming through to her from her Guidance. The door is finally open.
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Wow! What a difference a word choice makes! I, too, have been waiting for someone to rescue me. It has been like haunting my own life, clinging to wounds and waiting for someone else to notice and rescue me. I've been holding out on moving ahead until someone rescues me. It's been a form of resistence or protest. It's as if I have been telling myself, Yes, I know I need to heal, and I know I must be the one to love myself, but dammit, not yet! Not till I get rescued. THEN I'll take care of myself!" Whoa. Thanks so much for this article. Much to recognize here. The thought of loving myself or caring for myself isn't nearly as compelling as rescuing myself. and likely I have been rescuing others instead of myself!
I, too, have been waiting for someone to rescue me! As long as I can remember, whatever friend I had, I was always waiting for something huge from them, as if they were going to turn into some kind of magical person who would love me forever. Then I'd be devastated when they let me down. I really do this a lot with men.
A big part of my resistance is that it (the action, love, etc.) "doesn't count" unless it is another person rescuing me. I think I'm afraid that if I do rescue myself, nobody else will ever come and I'll be alone.
Movies and books perpetuate this idea (I think) even in movies like "Star Wars" when Luke is unhappy on the planet Tatooine until Obi Wan comes to rescue him. Or in romance novels, where the woman is saved from a life of poverty or lovelessness (is that a word?) by some handsome man. I suspect we were all raised with the myth that someday someone would rescue us if we were miserable enough.
The fear that no one will want to be with us if we are whole and taking care of ourselves is a huge false belief! I too used to buy into this. It wasn't until I truly valued myself that I found the opposite to be true. My trying to get women to rescue me was actually setting me up to not be in a relationship. Being in our power is attractive rather than expressing neediness because we've abandoned ourselves.
Oh WOW! What an interesting topic! I was thinking that I NEVER expected to be rescued, and then I realized that it was because I thought I had to rescue someone else in order to find someone whom I could be with. Oh my! I can think back on all of my past relationships and see how I thought that if I rescued them, in some way, I would have control over their staying with me. Low self esteem, don't think anyone will want you? Not a problem, I will rescue you by getting into a relationship with you. And then (as happened with my first boyfriend and in my first marriage long ago) after I have you, I will not really want you anymore, but I will stay anyway (for years), because I would be a terrible person to leave after promising to rescue you.
Instead of saying that someone should rescue me, I say I need someone to love me. I was abused as a child and getting the wrong love. Also, there was no real safe love in my home. Now I am in my fourth marriage hoping he would love me and all would be great. That is not the case. I know I need to first love myself and that is so hard to do. My child needs to be loved in the right and safe way and I'm not going to get it through any of the men I've married.Thank you all for being there.
Margaret wrote, "Sometimes a word makes all the difference in the world", and rescue is a powerful word for me. But thinking about that led me to an even more powerful one: protection. I badly want someone or something to protect me. That's a hard thing for a man as determinedly competent as me to admit, even to myself. But it's true. I see now that I've always wanted to be protected and I resented those who failed to meet my hidden expectations. I particularly resent God for failing to protect me (and millions of others) from pain and distress. I think this has got in the way of my developing a connection with some form of guidance.
I can definitely relate to this. I think for me the key is understanding and feeling how deeply damaged my own sense of empowerment and ability to protect myself was. My brother used to beat me up, and I remember so well the feeling of running from him, locking the door, and having him bust in anyway. Or having my parents read my journal and laught outloud. After a while, you just stop running, you stop trying to lock the door, you stop hiding your journal, you stop trying to protect yourself. There's no point. It's a profound and awful sense of helplessness. It doens't matter if you are male or female, if this sort of repeated violation and dis-empowerment happened to you, you give up trying to protect yourself, or having faith that you'll ever be able to, and you look for someone else to help. It's a core wound of mine as well, but I think it is tied in more with helplessness, and just not wanting to remember what it felt like to give up and give way. Even now writing this, the depression comes over me in a wave when i thnk of it.
Dear Babette and Soluna
I want to tell you someone else's story. The details will be changed a little, but the story is true. This is the story of a man who was also deeply abused as a child, sexually abused by his father. He did a lot of IB work and a lot of healing, but he was still stuck at wanting someone to come and rescue him. He was still looking for that in the women in his life. There was an incident in his life where something threatened his beloved dog. Without thinking, he acted to protect this dog. He experienced a jolt of energy and the total sense that he would not allow anything to happen to his dog. He saved the dog. It was a life-changing event, because he was able to connect this power to his own little boy and know, at the deepest level, that he would never again allow anything to happen to his child. He no longer needed to be rescued because he had found his own power. That is what you are looking for, the power to know, in the present, that your child is so important to you that you will NEVER allow anyone to hurt him or her.
Yes, I can see the power of that man's experience. But I think we animal lovers feel that our pets are essentially innocent, whereas we may have all sorts of (wrongly) resentful and punitive feelings towards our inner children. Until those are resolved, I think it will be difficult to find the power you speak of. My IC needs protecting from my judgements, most of all, perhaps.
You have absolutely hit the nail on the head. However, remember, the judgmental part of you is just a child too. He needs your compassion because he is literally stuck in Hell. Only your love and compassion and understanding of the good reasons will help him get out. I wrote about that in the column about how your wounded self is never wrong. Making him wrong just keeps it going.
But what you said is so important and may help others. Imagine if your little boy were as innocent as your pet. It is a powerful metaphor.
Thanks Phyllis. This is a great story. I am really struggling right now b/c I have just put this peice together about my father's best friend. It is one of the most important breakthroughs I've had since I started IB. I won't go into the specifics, but the day after I had this breakthrough, my mother emailed me to inform me that she was coming to visit, and bringing her friend ----this guy's wife. What freaks me out to my core is her uncanny ability to do what would be absolutely the most devestating thing to me at any given moment...I have a breakthrough about this guy, and the next day, she's coming with his wife. I'm sure she would have brought him if he was still living. And right when I'm most vulnerable she's stepped up her pressure and is now basically stalking me. I've lived with this dynamic of them chasing me and trying to get space to do my healing for years. I'm stuck with this sense of "what is the point of healing? I make one step, i get one piece of myself, and she's right there at me as she always has been, ready to shut me up and hurt me even worse." Over the years I have protected myself, including ending contact, and they have just come after me even more. So being in partial contact has been a form of protection, but now it's escalating to stalking. It is the same dynamic, i try to protect myself, and and they always end up destroying me. I can decide all i want that my inner child is innocent, but they are always going to be more powerful in a lot of ways. I think I actually may need to explore legally protecting myself from her harrassment, but of course, who has the money or emotional strength for that nightmare? Has anyone else been stalked by their parents? What did you do?
I don't know what this would look like, but you have got to take your power back from your mother. It sounds like your wounded victim self is really enmeshed with her. You have to stop giving her the right to hurt you and that means refusing to continue to be a victim, not saying "Look World, I am helpless, I am her victim." Part of this is having compassion for yourself and seeing that she is just a wounded child, not God. Part is this is taking the loving action on your child's behalf which may be refusing to see her. You suggest that refusing to see her did not work in the past, but I am guessing you were not doing IB at the time. Mostly, I want to repeat, you get to choose here. Victim energy displaces all the good stuff. The payoff is not worth it.
Babette,
I encourage you to stand in your power. While you are in this vulnerable space it is important to step into the strong loving adult that it sounds like you have access to and remain strong in your truth. If your truth in this moment is that a visit from your mother and her friend would compromise your healing then taking the action that will protect your child from this will help her to know that you deeply love and care about her. I have had the experience of making the choice of seperating from contact with my family of origin. fortunately, they honored my boundaries AS I DEFINED THEM however, I know that I would have done anything necessary to uphold the boundaries that I needed with them. It was one of the most powerful decisions I ever made and in doing so my IC knew without a doubt that cared for her healing.
Chris,
One of the best ways that I know to step out of judgement is to step into self-acceptance. Self-acceptance is simply knowing that you are doing the best that you can do in this moment. This does not mean complancency, "I'm doing the best that I can do and I will never be able to do any better." Instead it is "I am doing the best I can UNTIL I learn to do it differently." This allows for the developement of the loving adult. Giving ourselves permission to be where we are in the moement opens the space for the loving adult to grow.
Good stuff. So I'm currently at the point in a long process where I know that I'm being a bit of a victim in relation to the actions of a member of my family (and I'm protecting - in the 'bad' way - rather than being in the intent to learn how to love). But I accept my victim feelings and uncover and examine their origins whilst seeing that I don't always have to feel that way. The more I understand about and, with deliberate awareness, feel those feelings, the more likely I am to see eventually that they don't serve me. A while back I used to think that those sorts of feelings had to be fought to the death.
If a successful life is just a continual process of learning to deal with obstacles with the intent to learn, then, it is only my decision to judge or feel despair about how to open.Opening is step 1-my child feels sad,my loving adult will respect and care for her while deciding the loving action.It is so habitual to feed the negative! Thanks to all for sharing your IB process!
Dear soluna,
My name is Emily and I'm a facilitator-in-training, new to the message board. This format is new to me so I've just written this like a letter and hope that works!
It sounds like you are really starting to live the Inner Bonding process, by accepting your feelings and trying to understand them...I'm happy for you and commend you for the work you are doing, knowing from personal experience how challenging it can be to move away from victimized thinking.
I would like to offer a possible alternative for you as you view what you are calling your victim feelings. You said that those feelings don't serve you...I'd like to suggest it is your victim-y thoughts and beliefs that are not serving you, not the feelings. The feelings actually serve a vital function because they are your body's way of letting you know you are not being loving to yourself. They will go away naturally, and be replaced by more and more peace and joy, as you identify any false beliefs and unloving behaviors. But as long as they are there, they are a gift in a way, just like it is a gift to be able to feel it if you are burning yourself, so you know to pull your hand away.
I'd be interested to know what comes up for you reading this if you'd care to share it.
Thanks for your thoughts. I think we're on the same page regarding the immense usefulness of feelings as an indicator of possible changes we can make in the way we think or perceive things.
My feeling that I want to be protected led me to have a chat with my bodywork therapist about how I experienced protection or lack of it as a child. It was very useful. I see more clearly now that I was brought up around people who had a lot of unresolved anger. Nothing was ever openly dealt with - people used to simmer, occasionally blow up, and then sulk for ages. Forgiveness was in very short supply. I have always been quite afraid of other people's anger, not to mention my own, and now I know why. I'm going to try even harder to understand and feel compassion for both my inner child and wounded child.
Dear Chris,
That sounds like a powerful insight, about the anger. That is great that your bodyworker can support you in this way. It makes sense you would have good reason to fear your own or others' anger, never having seen anger handled in a loving adult way. It also makes sense that your inner child would be craving acceptance and understanding for the good reasons she has when she gets angry. What you meant when you wrote about trying even harder to understand and feel compassion for your inner child and wounded child?--that you want to be there as a loving adult if they are angry?
This is something that is starting to really make sense for me, too. I was listening to one of Margaret's CD's, and the light bulb went off in my head when she said that if she feels angry at someone or something, she always looks within to see how her child might be angry at her--that the outwards anger is always a projection of something inwards (with the exception of what she calls outrage, which is anger that energizes you to take loving action.) I have found this such a relief, because it means no one else has to do anything or change, for me to get some relief from my anger!--phew.
Dear lindsayswisdom,
I have the sense from your post that you have a lot of inner clarity and are feeling complete? is that true? I just want to see if I understand what you are saying--is it that you are seeing that the only thing that blocks you from showing up for your child with respect and care, then taking loving action, is when you block yourself from opening to your feelings, by judging yourself and/or falling into despair? I remember Nancy Swisher describing the loving adult as reaching down, from a bridge over a river, to give a hand to the child, who feels like she is drowning in a river of emotions--as opposed to jumping right into the river. I wondered if that is what you meant when you wrote about "feeding the negative".
Yes, I think what Margaret said is probably true in many cases. But I also think that anger (not just outrage) can be a primary emotion, as normal and healthy as love or sorrow (see Facing the Fire by John Lee). I'm still responsible for it and its expression, of course.
Dear Emily, Thanks, I think I did have some clarity. My wounded self doesn't like this- I can see that I've succumbed to it a lot. My choice is to IB, I really identify with that analogy! Thanks for sharing and allowing me to clarify my process,I appreciate your posts!
I must know u. u sound just like me.RESCUE. SAVE ME. Sound familiar? i just don't think anyone can. i've tryed for so long. i've been this way since my mother died when i was 9. i had to protect and care for myself and my own feelings so i put up walls. i just wanted someone to show they care. i take my pain out on myself. if u haven't listened to the artist "pink" take a listen. many here might, unfortunatly identify.but fortunatly many seem like they are getting better. i envy them. Pink has a song entitled "conversation with my 13 year old self". i am just beginning inner bonding and this song hit home way too hard. Until then, my song was always "save me from myself". i hope that a day will come when i can save me from myself and stop looking for someone else to do it for me.
good luck to everyone.
Angenlina
Losing your mother at a young age is a major wound to overcome. A significant loss for a female for sure. Be patient with yourself. My guess is that loss takes time to grieve and may never fully go away. I lost my father at age 9 and it can still hurt sometimes but I've only healed by being willing to feel what I feel and learning to have compassion for myself.
I have compassion for you
Hang in there
Kim
Dear angelina86 (or start doing) Inner Bonding every day, it will really help--perhaps imagining you are holding this part of you that wants to be rescued. But in addition to this, please know that when a person has been through an event as painful as your mother's death was for you, they almost always need support while they build up a loving adult presence. They need someone who can help bring in love from Spirit--unconditional love, with no strings attached.
Do you have some kind of support that could be a source of this kind of love for you? It may be challenging, since you describe a history wanted to be rescued; you will need to be loving but firm with that part, and make it clear to that part of you that she has extremely good reasons for wanting to be rescued, but that if she tries to get rescued by your IB supporters, you'll be back where you started. You need to make up your mind yourself to save yourself, but then you need help to do that!--does that make sense?! Let me know.
Dear Angelina86
You have certainly taken a big step towrd your desire to learn how to "rescue" yourself by acknowledging the need to let go of the desire to have someone else be your hero. I also encourage you to be consistent in your process and to gain access to someone who can help you through the early stages. You may wish to consider reaching out frequently on this site and also check for a facilitator to work with. As Emily pointed out it may be helpful for you to have someone who can help you see when you are being a loving adult and when you are acting from that wounded child place. Our inner "protectors" are very good at their job and can put up of a good picture of being in a loving place while reverting back to old wounded patterns and it often takes someone outside of the inner system to help us learn how to break that mold so that we can resculpt a new one that is loving.
Dear Kimmtaff, thank u for your compassion. i have found a wonderful therapist that uses emdr therapy. she is the only one that got thru to me and made me admit that my childhood trauma was part of the problem. unfortunatly my entire family was involved a fatal plane crash and were hospitalized for a month. we moved direcly into my aunt and uncle's house upon release. no one ever spoke her name again to my sister or i, we didn't attend the funeral and when we went back to our home there was nothing there, as no one had ever lived there.we were never allowed to grieve. in effect the life and the woman that was my mother never existed. i put up a wall and became "tough" on the outside, not allowing any hurful feelings in. only thru emdr have things and feelings been surfacing. i'm not sure if this is good though. i have to go thru the grieving i never did and all the stored pain.the walls come down and now i have no protection from the pain my husband puts me through. i'm always afraid i won't do what he wants me too and he will think i'm terrible.my pain was so bad a year and a half ago i did something i swore i would never do, because of my children. i took a bottle of ambien and only by God's grace am I here.the pain just seemed so intolorable.i know that my action had profound effects of them and that adds to my guilt. in addition i just found out my husband has been having a long term affair with my best friend. he denies it but there is way too much evidence. i know its true. so i have been betrayed by my husband and friend.i work all of the time and am a perfectionist in order not to think of my problems. my work is the only self worth i feel i have and since this happened i can't concentrate and am not even good at that.i dont know what to do. i feel like i just want to run away and never stop.i don't know where to turn. if there is a place.i can only remember being happy once. i went to dr. amens clinic in ca.for depression. the dr. told me he had only seen brain scans such as mine in women that had committed suicide. my husband is very controlling and we had been fighting everyday until i left and i knew i couldn't go back. i got on a plane and flew to mexico to a little town where i have lots of friends that accept me for me. i stayed a month, renting a house and would never have come back but he kept calling, begging, crying. i felt so bad that i returned to the same man i had left.
its much harder to leave once u r back in your home enviornment.my therapist says the mexican adventure was just a fantacy. if so it was one worth having. one month of happiness in my entire life was worth anything.but now i just live day to day, not making anyone, including myself, happy.i've lost what friends i had and feel i've lost my famility too. all i do is stay in my office, my safe haven, and work. i am living just to get to the day i die.
i'm sorry, i know this was really long but everyting came pouring out. thanks for listening.
anglina
Dear Angelina,
The pain that you are experiencing is very clear. However, I would encourage you to step fully into the IB process while working with your emdr therapist. I too have known that level of pain and several years ago would never had believed that I would be doing anything but "living to get to the day I die." I have felt the deep sense of loneliness and hopelessness that results in existing rather then living. However, I now know that there can be a different experience of this life. By living my life utilizing the IB process I have healed the past trauma and learned to be the powerful, beautiful woman that I am today. I send this message to you to let you know that the level of joy you are capable is far greater then the level of pain that you are experiencing today. I would also encourage you to get help with your IB process. It is a very powerful process which one can and must do for self, however it is also important to have someone to lend a helping hand when the going gets tough.
I guess as many of us are - I too come from an extremely disfunctional family. I was verbally, physically and sexually abused by both of my parents, and have been working hard on being my own parent now through the process of IB. Recently things have hit a deeper layer -and I find myself terrified at the thought that no one did or ever will hold me and hug me and tell me that they love me. I'm feeling very empty and lonely, and of course the me I'm referring to here is my IC. I know I have to do this for myself, but right now for whatever reason - the emptiness feels all consuming.
I totally empathize with what you have written. The part of you that is telling your IC this is scaring him/her completely. That no one did is the truth on one level, on another level, God or your guides or whatever your idea of spirit is, was always there, holding your IC and it will help when you see that. Your IC may have been in too much pain to feel them, but they were there. You can heal some of the memories by going back to them, picking up you child and taking him/her out of there, but holding and loving your IC in the present. You need to keep showing up when he/she needs to be hugged and loved. Also, you don't know what is going to happen in the future, so telling your IC that no one will ever be there is not the truth.
Finally, the emptiness is not your loving adult, so you need to find a place in you that can simply notice the emptiness without drowning in it. That part of you, in the intent to learn about loving, can invite the energy of love to fill it so that it can care for the hurt ICs. If you are not able to access a source of love, then you need to work on the good reasons why. You came here for a hard journey, but maybe your soul chose "graduate school" because it was ready for a greater challenge in learning to love.
Thank you for your supportive words. The love that I was referring to that I will never get is the kind of love given from a parent to a child. Obviously, I don't want to be looking for this from anyone else. Sometimes I feel very afraid and lonely, and I know that this is my IC, and that I need to pick him up and hold him and let him know that I'm there for him. Other than the obvious fact that I never had a role model - I wonder why I have a difficult time doing this?
Hi Gardnur,
For me, when I have difficulty moving into the pain and loneliness ,is when my IC needs me MOST to feel her sadness about ME not noticing and loving her, not just the old grief from the past.It is true for me as well, I will never get the love I needed then. Someone helped me visualize this as a bottomless trough & next to it is a lake with a waterfall, a Source, of peace and safety. Hope this might help.
I think that all of us have to find out that when we try to get a wounded part of ourselves to take care of our IC, it does not work. That part does not have a source of love. You really need to work on the connection with a source. I am guessing that, like many of us, you may have a very narrow idea of what that source could be. This has two parts. The first is identifying a source and the second is to deal with the beliefs that keep the energy from coming in. People who grow up in a religious tradition sometimes can identify with Jesus or Mary as a source of unconditional love, but it can be the dog you had as a child. It can be anything. What I would suggest is splitting the question. Try to find something that you would see a containing unconditional love-don't jump to whether you can feel it yet. It could even be an image. You could make it up, like ordering from a catalog. If I had a source of unconditional love it would have the following attributes.... Once you have found a source (even Mother Theresa, anything), then you can work with the second part about taking it in.
My therapist gave me a really good visualization for when I constantly try to get the love from my parents that I never received and never will.
Norma told me to stop looking for the pony in what is only a room full of manure. With the help of IB, NancyS, and Margaret I am finding only I can love me and my little Tammys in the way we deserve. As Nancy told me, it is not "easy". It takes being willing to try again every day no matter how bad the night before was. One moment, one step, one day at a time.
I even break it down further into what I call baby steps. That helps me stay in compassion rather than judgment. I appreciate my intention to be open and loving to myself regardless of the outcome and any loving action(s) that I take. Every baby step I take is a step towards embracing my essence more deeply. Sounds like you're learning how to do that and I'm sure your little Tammy wants more of your love. And the more good feelings you have about yourself and greater self-worth you feel as you continue to take these not so easy actions will support your taking bigger and bigger steps!
Tahnk you Phyllis for the advice. I guess like anything else it takes intention to do this. The choice is to keep looking for someone else to "rescue" me, which obviously is a temporary fix, or to open to the feelings of emptiness and lonliness with the intention to learn about them and not fix them. So far this week I've been just witnessing my feelings - without the thought of trying to fix anything. That's now progressed to imagining a kind and loving adult saying to my IC - it's OK - I'm here for you. I think when this type of adult is present, a source of love and guidance is also present - even though I'm still struggling to actually visualize this. And tonight I'm actually learning about the source of my sadness and lonliness - still staying in the intention to learn and not fix. Did you read today's Daily Inspiration - so very meaningful to me right now. Maybe a little greiving my past and embracing my IC is in order. This too I get stuck in - again - not sure why - but I think it's my wounded part who wants to keep from feeling these feelings - and so the cycle continues of wanting someone else to "rescue" me. Part of me can visualize how empowering it would be for me to rescue myself, and not be dependent on someone else to do it. Wow - a strong, kind loving adult - holding his IC, and the wounded child - letting them know that I'm present to them and in the intention to learn about what I'm doing or thinking to cause these feelings. Maybe it's not as hard as I'm making it - and maybe right now I need to connect to a source of love and guidance to help me take this next step.
Actually, when I read your message I got a little flash on the "visualizing" the loving adult. It sounds like you are on the right track. Some of us are visual, some are auditory and some are kinesthetic. Your loving adult will first come through in one of those ways. Sounds (literally!)like it was auditory. I would suggest that you skip visual and try for kinesthetic, that is just try to imagine how it would feel to have someone like that in the room. Baby steps as many have said, just have him in the room saying "It's okay, I am here for you." Once that is locked in, if this idea is helpful, you can up the ante to having him actually come over to your little boy, etc. Sometimes we really do make it harder than it is by expecting too much, sort of like someone wanting a spiritual experience and deciding it has to be an 8-armed Krishna manifesting in the living room.
I am reading in these forums all the posts people are making about articles, yet I cant seem to find the first page where the article first appears. Can someone help me?
At the top of the page is "MyHome" choose that. Then on the home page to the left is the "Innerbonding learning center" in that list is the Innerbonding Article options. Hopefully this will get you there.
I would agree that the most important thing with anger is taking responsibility for it...and that accepting it and embracing it is a key aspect of that. And whatever works for you to support you doing that, would be loving for you. I'm not familiar wtih the Lee book you mention but will keep an eye out the next time I'm browsing at the bookstore.
I'm hearing that you are agreeing to disagree with Margaret on her view that anger, except for outrage, is a wounded self-emotion. But your point, about anger being healthy, is a really important point, ESPECIALLY for those for whom it works better to see anger as a wounded-self emotion, because it suggests an attitude of acceptance about the anger, as opposed to shame or guilt. I know that is something it has taken me a while to figure out--that my wounded self's emotions aren't "bad" or "wrong"!--can now look back and see how I was doing Inner Bonding from my wounded self. I was judging that if I did IB "right", I would never be having any wounded emotions! so there was shame when I did have them, especially anger, which was not often directly or openly expressed in my family of origin.
Anyway thanks for making your point--it helped me clarify it in my mind, and might, I'm guessing, be helpful to others who happen to read this.
Dear Lindsayswisdom
I'm very greatful for your feedback--thanks! I am new with these postings, so it is very helpful to know what contributes (and what doesn't--am hoping people will have the courage to tell me that too, so I can keep learning!)
What I am still a bit slow at is finding my response (if it isn't still on the home page) so I can go back and review what I said!
Yes. Emily. It has been helpful for me to read this discussion. Thanks everyone!
I can relate to those mixed feelings of shame about anger.. that I assume is coming from my wounded child. It is only through acceptance that we can open to grace. The toughest part for me has been accepting those painful emotions...fully embracing the wounded child instead of punishing or judging my wounded child. Recently after feeling like a victim and moving into the IB process I really listened to my wounded child and took loving action. This time it was a different loving action. I normally think I'm taking care of myself by being assertive, but now I think it was really aggression and demands disguised as assertiveness. So my inner guidance told me to "act as if". Even though I believed I was "right" and deserved to be treated better...I acted as if this person I felt victimized by actually had my best interests at heart even though all appearances said otherwise (to my wounded self). After that I felt so good and so free. I took care of myself without being defensive. Things have really shifted for me since then.
Warm wishes Kim
Kim,
I love what you describe, about "acting as if"...what a great example of the power of imagination to raise one's vibration and offer a transforming, new way of seeing a situation! I am truly thrilled for you as this sounds like a deep insight that will stay with you and which can be applied in so many situations. In effect, you chose to believe that the other person had "good reasons" for acting as they did..and in doing so, you opened your heart, and then you can see your own good reasons too! ahhhh...what a relief, so good and so free, as you put it.
On an intuition, I'm noticing I want to ask you--have you met a power animal guide yet? I just recently met one of mine, a black panther which has transformed things for me in much the way you describe; when he is around, my IC feels so safe, it is much easier for me to stay open-hearted. I just wondered if that might be fun for you to explore that.
Hi Emily
Cool idea about the power animal. I remember doing a guided imagery exercise at a workshop a few years ago and the animal I met in the forest was a deer (could be kind of obvious!) A deer doesn't sound so powerful....but now that I think about it...I've been a "fighter" for so long...maybe I need to embrace my true gentle nature.
Thanks for the great feedback Emily. I was excited to see you online and hear your wise words.
Blessings
Kim
Dear Kim,
You are welcome! Your deer sounds lovely...and I am appreciating the insight I got from your post, that describing one's spirit guide as a "power animal" could be confusing or limiting, since there are so many kinds of animal. For one person, accessing their true power might mean accessing a kind of fierceness more (this is true for me right now!), while for another, a sense of surrender might be needed.
I looked up the deer in my spirit animal book ("Animal-Speak") and pulled out these comments: "Deer reminds us to establish a strong, healthy connection with the child before we expose it to man people and other energies.." he was speaking of an actual child, but I wondered if it seems to you to apply to your IC.? "When deer shows up in your life, it is time to be gentle with yourself and others. A new innocence and freshness is about to be awakened or born...a gentle enticing lure of new adventures. Ask yourself..are you trying to force things? Are others? Are you being too critical or uncaring of yourself..this is an opportunity to express gentle love that will open new doors to adventure for you."
Yes. I can relate to this completely. I was at one time waiting to be rescued. I waited a long time till I realized that my savior may never come. I felt abandoned by everyone because they weren’t doing what they were supposed to do, RESCUEING ME. Well, I got tired of waiting, I also came to realize that not everything was about me, everyone had their own issues they needed to resolve, and I thought "How selfish of me to think that I am what they should be thinking about? I began making sense of why no one came to my rescue; they had their own life, their own worries, stresses, agendas and emotional pain to deal with. "What a fool" I thought, no one has the power to rescue me but be; only I truly know what I need, want or feel. Since realizing this I did not hold anyone to any expectations and made me a happier person.
well, the sheer length of the response column is comforting in that I am not alone!! I don't have the instant see the light experience as " Marnie " but yeah, I am writing so I will acknowledge that this is true for me. I am waiting for my old therapist to return. What makes it tricky is that she might, within a year. Even with this thought that makes my stomach lurch because of the dependency, there still is the hope that someone will, forI am still not accepting the job of showing up for myself. Other than this is the most sobering thoughts I have had all day, I am hoping that desire,intent to learn, by doing this dialogue thing tonight,a door will open.
It is such a huge relief when you finally rescue yourself! No more waiting, no more feelings of abandonment. And, in actuality, so much easier than trying to get someone else to do it for you.
"This has been an amazing experience. My awareness of my part in my last relationship has increased a lot, as has my awareness of how badly I treat myself. I am hopeful about continued healing and learning to love myself and others and not give myself away (or throw myself away)!" L.A. Workshop, 1/08
Cindi Harris,Therapist Canyon Country,CA seekpeaceps3414DELETE_HERE@hotmail.com
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