Daily InspirationWhich is more important to you, safety or intimacy? Safety and intimacy are often mutually exclusive. True intimacy has its up and downs, its closeness and its distance, its peace and its fear, its joy and its sadness. Since there is always the possibility of loss, there is no true safety in intimacy, yet it is the spice of life. Which is more important to you, safety or intimacy? By Dr. Margaret Paul
Becoming A Loving AdultBy Ivanka Jankovic
June 07, 2008
A loving adult is essential part of Inner Bonding. Developing a loving adult is a process. It takes time and constant practice.
At the beginning of my Inner Bonding practice, finding my needs and taking loving action was the most challenging part. I was ok with dialoging and with connecting with guidance, but my stumbling block was loving action. What am I supposed to do? Who is going to do it? I was so out of touch of my needs so the only way to take loving action was to imagine my niece, think what would be loving to her and then take that loving action for myself. This obviously meant that my loving adult did not exist at that time. Nevertheless I persisted.
Every day on my morning commute I would ask my guide what is the most loving action for me. Whatever my guide said I would do to the best of my abilities. Beginning of the practice was also marked with facing very painful feelings and false beliefs. There were times when I regretted my journey, yet I knew that I'd already crossed the point of no return. I had to go ahead.
I did not think much about being a loving adult, but I tried to console my little girl the best I can. Then I started to notice that my wounded self would get incredibly loud, showering me with all kind of fears and threats, such as: you will end up alone, you are horribly flawed, no amount of healing will help. It was happening as I slowly stopped caretaking and took responsibility for myself.
At that time it looked like the development of my loving adult was staying at the same spot when in reality she was slowly developing her muscles. Her first real appearance happened when I stood up to my narcissistic mother. I did not allow her to dump her negativity on me. I did not back down under her big pressure to change my mind and rewrite reality. I kept telling her that I am not going to tolerate her negativity and promised her that next time I will hang up on her. At the end of conversation I felt very shaky but I told my little girl I would rather loose her then you. Never again. I knew it was my loving adult who handled the incident.
The practice went on as I released layers and layers of false beliefs and brought love to my child. And then my guide arranged a big test. This time it was at work. All my buttons got pushed. It is hard to put in words all the fears that were triggered at that time. All my life I was nice, understanding, supportive, and tolerant and would do anything to avoid conflict. In IB language I was abandoning myself. This time I stood up for myself. I told my child that I would rather loose the job than her. I did not allow some bullies to intimidate me and I did not back down so that it ccould be their way.
I started to notice that when I did not try to control how other people see me I did not feel exhausted. And the big lesson was that I could say no and survive. At that particular time I was covering two senior positions and there were people that thought their task comes first, bulling and intimidation was their language. I complained to my Guide and told her that this is too much, but her answer was I am not asking you to be perfect, just to do the best you can. Then there was a conflict (and I was conflict phobic) where I stood my grounds and did not allow my work to be tossed away. My wounded self was urging me to be nicer, to compromise, to understand. I did not comply with that request.
The next morning I woke up around 4 am. I felt peaceful, and fully rested. There was a Presence. There was a sense of security, warmth and my child was very content. I did Inner Bonding and discovered that Presence is my Loving Adult. She was just gently holding her, stroking her hair and she was so content. Not a single word was said.
The feeling remained throughout the busy day. I realized that for the first time in my life I did not abandon my child, and I was not trying to be perfect. I choose her instead of the other person. There was a huge sense of exhaustion and sadness as well. I felt like I wanted to cry. It was just so hard to face the fact that when I was thinking that I was responsible and tolerant, actually I was abandoning myself, and the only thing my child ever wanted is just my presence. Nothing else.
I experienced this presence earlier in my life when I was with my father. It is warm, radiates security, not a single trace of a demand or a threat. But I always took it for granted. With time this presence faded away. I continued to be as loving as possible. Here and there my loving adult would go on a break and my wounded self would immediately take the drivers seat. Instead of getting upset about how this is possible, my loving adult would just tell the child: Sweetie please take the back seat I am going to drive.
In the meantime I attended one more intensive, met my IB buddy and this put my practice on the whole new level. It was through the other person's practice that I started clearly to see that without a loving adult we cannot bring Spirit's love to our inner children. I was always puzzled when I introduced my inner children to Ana (my guide) and they would tell me they know her. If they know her why did they did not talk to her? Then it dawned on me that the loving adult is the key link between the guide and inner children. Only the loving adult can bring the truth from the guidance about how lovable, worthy, and talented we are.
Becoming loving to myself challenged relationships with other people. Some relationships simply disappeared. Nothing happened. No conflict, yet they were over. I still meet from time to time so called "friends"; we say hi-bye and that is all. I seem to be drawn to some other people. I became very choosy who I socialize with and started to enjoy my alone time. I had conflict with all narcissists in my life, as it turned out that I have attracted quite a few of them. I learned that their main weapon is to see a doubt in my value, threaten me with rejection, throw big poor me drama and accuse me to be a cause of their distress.
I did not respond to any accusation (that pleased my guide immensely), which disoriented them totally. "You have changed" was their main complaint. The most important thing is that people that were always easy going have the right spot in my life now. I do not take them for granted anymore. Even today when my loving adult is much stronger and I am aware of her presence my wounded self from time to time showers me with some kind of disaster that is just around the corner hoping that I will loose my grounds. Then one day my loving adult told my wounded child: if disaster A, B or C happens I will just love you. I will make sure that I spend a lot of time with you and I will love you no matter what. I guess that was not the answer that wounded self expected, as it got silent. May loving presence always be with you.
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