Daily InspirationWhen someone does something we do not like and does not want to stop doing it, or someone won't do what we want, we have only two choices: we can accept them by opening to learning and coming to understand why they do what they do, or we can leave them. What we cannot do is get them to change. Yet trying to have control over getting others to change is where many people spend their energy. By Dr. Margaret Paul
How to Attract a Healthy RelationshipBy Dr. Margaret Paul
September 07, 2015
Do you keep attracting narcissistic or emotionally unavailable partners? You CAN learn to attract a healthy partner!
Have you found yourself continually attracting the same kind of unhealthy person into your life, such as people who are narcissistic or emotionally unavailable? This is the situation Connie finds herself in.
"As a child of narcissists, I've struggled for decades. My attraction to men, since the age of 14, has been to narcissists and sociopaths. I thought it was love, but really I was seeking approval. I have been healing for many years, yet as a highly sensitive person with this history, I know I may always be vulnerable. The catch is evaluating someone new with a level head, and making sound decisions before falling 'blindly' in love. What are your thoughts to attract a healthy love relationship that is not based on dependency or approval?"
Many people tend to be attracted to people who are similar to one or both of their parents. Their ego wounded self says, "If I can get a person like my mom or dad to love me, then I will be okay." The problem is that there are three different lies in this statement:
- You can't have control over how people feel about you.
- People who are not loving themselves won't learn to love you, no matter how loving you think you are being with them.
- As an adult, you need to learn to love yourself to feel that you are okay. Others' love can help and support you in developing self-worth, but no one can do it for you.
So trying to get a narcissistic or emotionally unavailable person to love you and connect with you will always be a losing battle.
Attracting "a healthy love relationship that is not based on dependency or approval" naturally occurs as you learn to love yourself. The more you learn to love and value who you really are in your essence, the less you will find yourself attracted to people who are not loving or valuing themselves. As the Law of Attraction states, "Like attracts like," so the more you abandon yourself and then seek others' approval to feel okay, the more you attract other self-abandoning people.
Connie finds herself attracted to narcissists because she is coming from her own narcissistic wounded self. The wounded self in all of us has some degree of narcissism, which means that, when we are abandoning ourselves and are operating from our wounded self, we expect someone else to take responsibility for our feelings of worth and lovability. When we are abandoning ourselves, we are operating from a low 'frequency,' and we attract other people who are also operating from a low frequency – i.e., the Law of Attraction.
When we practice Inner Bonding, learning to connect with our spiritual Guidance and operate as a loving adult who takes responsibility for our own feelings of self-worth, then we operate from a high frequency and we attract other high frequency people – people who are also loving themselves and taking responsibility for their feelings and defining their own self-worth.
So I would say to Connie, "It's not about '…evaluating someone new with a level head, and making sound decisions before falling 'blindly' in love.' It's about becoming the kind of person you want to attract. The more you learn to connect with yourself and your spiritual Guidance, the quicker you can sense the frequency of another person."
When you are operating from your loving adult rather than from your wounded self, you can sense immediately whether someone is authentically open and loving, rather than acting open and loving. Narcissistic and emotionally unavailable people are adept at acting open, but there is a huge difference in frequency between genuinely open and caring people and people who have learned to act open and caring. The more open and caring you become with yourself, the easier it becomes to sense the truth about another person.
Learn how to attract the partner of your dreams! Join Dr. Margaret Paul for her 30-Day At-home Course: "Attracting your Beloved: A 30-Day At-home Experience to Learn How to Attract the Love of your Life."
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