"NO" is Not For Children: 3 Principles for Respectful Discipline

By Dawn Fry

In this article, child educator Dawn Fry gives parents practical ways of disciplining small children without having to resort to the authoritarian style that often harms children.

The rise of violent crimes being committed by children devastates both families and communities alike. When a crime occurs, the number one question on everyone's mind is "why": Why are children committing violent acts against their families, friends and strangers? The answer to that question makes perfect sense when you understand that current childcare practices violate children because they are based on authoritarian behaviors that are emotionally and physically abusive. Children are rebelling against this unjust system with the same behaviors used against them - emotional and physical violence.

What are authoritarian behaviors? They are behaviors that manipulate and control through pain and humiliation. They include blaming, shaming, preaching, moralizing, accusing, ridiculing, belittling, evaluating, labeling, threatening, judging and punishing. These behaviors disrespect children's rights and "discourage" children, resulting in not only a loss of courage, but also a loss of dignity and self-respect.

It is more evident every day that our children are in crisis. Increased delinquency, depression and even bulimia were linked with parental verbal aggressiveness in a study by Sociologist Murry A. Straus, with the Family Research Lab at the University of New Hampshire (along with dozens of other studies). More than half of the 991 parents in Dr Straus' study screamed, yelled or shouted in rage at their infants. Since children model the behaviors they are raised with, is it any wonder they resort to violence as they grow older? Unfortunately, authoritarian practices are deeply rooted in our society. For example, more than half of the US states still allow corporal punishment in the schools. In Webster's New World dictionary, corporal punishment means "beating, with a strap, stick, or whip, inflicted directly on the body." Corporal punishment manipulates and controls children through the use of fear - fear of pain and humiliation. (Is it so surprising that some children hate school?)

By changing our childcare practices we can put an end to both child abuse and childhood violence. The best way to start is to eliminate authoritarian behaviors and replace them with friendly communication skills that establish guidelines for responsible behaviors. The following three principles teach respectful discipline and encourage a child's healthy emotional development.

1. Equality and Order

Authoritarian socialization requires unquestioning obedience to authority rather than individual freedom of judgment and action. In an authoritarian society there is a dominant/submissive relationship that exists between adults and children. The adults are "the boss" and children "must obey" the rules without exception. There's no equality whatsoever. Even though children are not equal with adults in knowledge and experience, they are our social equals and are entitled to equal rights within our community. The principles of social equality include the right to honor, dignity, health, safety, and social integration. In short, children do have rights, too.

Children rebel against authoritarian behaviors very early in life. Parents recognize this resistance around the age of two, referring to it as "the terrible two's." Around this age children also develop temper tantrums and power struggles. These behaviors usually indicate that adults are using too much force and manipulation during discipline. Unfortunately, as the rebellion continues, some adults view it as a need for more control.

Children are, by nature, spontaneous and are in the process of learning to control themselves. They need discipline, meaning the development of responsibilities, self-control and order kept, not aggressive behaviors like blaming, yelling, or hitting. Order is a necessary part of freedom and equality. Rather than using aggressive acts against children we can model self-control and give them an orderly environment so they can learn the same. Order gives children a sense of security, which will in turn help to reduce or eliminate their outbursts and tantrums.

2. Respectful Information

Commands like the word "no" are harsh and build resistance in children. It is easier for children to hear how to do something correctly rather than to hear what they are doing wrong. More often than not, when given respectful information, children comply with social guidelines rather than resist them.

Our language helps to mold a child's thoughts. "No" is a negative word and implies wrongdoing. It is also used to deny, refuse, or disagree. "No" is not meant to be flexible or compromising. You may have heard a popular saying, "What part of 'no' don't you understand?" This kind of language molds controlling and negative thoughts, which can be damaging to children.

Every time you want to say no to a child, ask yourself what is not okay about the behavior. Then replace the word "no" with the word "not," and add a phrase that describes what behavior you want stopped. This will give the child more information about the behaviors you want them to change. Use the four categories below for guidelines on behavior that is not okay.

Safety

When a child's behavior is not safe, you need to take immediate action to stop the behavior. At this point, there is no negotiating. For example, it is not okay to:

open the doors without an adult present;
go outside without an adult;
use a knife or scissors without an adult;
climb or stand on furniture or counter tops;
play on stairs or in the bathroom;
play with water, without an adult;
walk around while eating or drinking.

Health

When a child makes choices that are not healthy, then it is not okay to allow the behavior. For example,

Junk food is not okay because it builds weak bodies.
Insufficient sleep is not okay because it invites illness and accidents.
Refusing to take medicine is not okay because it can make you more sick.

Respect for People's Rights

When a child's behavior doesn't respect another person's rights to honor, dignity, health, safety, or social integration, then their turn is finished, meaning that the behavior needs to stop. Not respecting someone's rights is not friendly. It is also not friendly to :

scream indoors;
help yourself when someone is having a turn;
hit someone.

Proper Use of Objects

When a child uses an object in a way other than what it is intended to be used, then again, their turn is finished. But instead of saying "no," you can use a "not" phrase. For example:

Not for touching, hitting, throwing, eating, etc. Say this when children are using objects in a way they are not intended to be used. "A shoe is not for hitting." "A truck is not for throwing." "A crayon is not for eating."
Not a toy. Use this phrase when children are touching objects that are not designed to be played with, such as a TV or a stove. "A TV is not a toy." "A stove is not a game." You can follow this request with the next phrase: "Please do not help yourself."
Not a help yourself. Rely on this phrase when children are reaching for something you don't want them to have. This phrase is especially useful when the object is something adults aren't to touch either. By saying, "We can't help ourselves," the child knows that you won't be touching it either. This will show them that you are using self-control also.
Not okay. Use this phrase in front of an action the child is currently doing, such as climbing the sofa or drawing on the wall. "It's not okay to climb on the sofa." "It's not okay to draw on the wall." You could also use the "not for" phrase, saying, "Sofas are not for climbing."

These verbal social guidelines are influential, strong and effective. They have the ability to teach children without using power or control over them.

3. Giving choices

When children resist doing something you ask, or they do something other than your instructions, rather than force your request on them, offer choices for their behavior. Having some say about how they do things lowers their resistance. For example,

Children often resist help. If there is a concern for their safety while walking down the stairs, then give them the choice of how to walk down the stairs: "Would you like to hold the handrail or hold my hand?" They don't have the choice to do it alone.
Children don't have a choice about taking medicine when they are ill, but they can have the choice of how they will take it. "Would you like to take it from a spoon or from a dropper?" Or, "Would you like to take it with water or with juice?"
On a cold day children do not have the choice to go outside without a jacket. You can, though, give them the choice of how they will get the jacket on. "Would you like to put your jacket on by yourself, or would you like help?"

Giving choices is important, because making choices cultivates individuality and self-reliance. Only while making choices can children exercise their human faculties of perception, judgment, discriminative feeling, mental activity and even moral preference. When you offer choices, you are honoring the child's needs and innocence, which ultimately helps them develop self-confidence and build their self-esteem.

Building Their Future Today

One of the most powerful desires of a child is to belong. When you follow these three principles of respectful discipline, you teach children preferred manners and customs. In addition, they learn friendly communication skills that are sensitive to democratic rights. They also learn altruistic forms of behavior such as, helping, sharing and giving through modeled interactions with parents and other adults. These skills enable children to build the friendships they desire and help them develop into respectful young adults. With these principles you may someday read about your children in the news, but it will be for their acts of kindness, not their acts of violence.

About the Author:
Dawn Fry is the founder and CEO of Helping Our Children Productions, a publishing company that provides educational CDs giving practical help to parents and childcare providers resulting in happier, friendlier children. Ms. Fry has been a licensed childcare provider and educator for twenty-two years. She has more than 60,000 hours of professional experience working with children. For more information, visit www.dawntalk.com.

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