What Does the Loving Adult Feel When the Inner Child is Hurting?

By Phyllis Stein, Ph.D.
December 31, 2006

When your loving adult is present you feel very differently from how you feel when it is not. Read this column by Phyllis Stein and learn what having a loving adult feels like.

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A lot of us, in the process of learning Inner Bonding, struggle to comprehend what having a loving adult means. It has been helpful to me to think of a loving adult as the wonderful parents that my child never had, so that at last she can feel safe and loved. However, that definition did not really offer me a clear picture of what having a loving adult feels like.

One important thing to understand is that, for most of us, our loving adult is a new part, a new way to be. It is not the same as the part of ourselves that we have labeled our "adult." It is created by the intent to learn how to be present in a new and loving way. It is not created by condemning and pushing aside the wounded parts, the wounded child trying to be an adult. So, to create a loving adult it is essential to zoom out, or detach from what is going on inside, to start to see it without being caught up in it. This is part of what moving into the intent to learn means. We all find different ways to do that, but do it we must. If your child is in pain and you become totally overwhelmed by that pain, or judge yourself for it, there is no loving adult present, no one that can help your child. The loving adult is not overwhelmed by the child's feelings. So being able to care, without getting lost in what your child is feeling is a start, but only a start. For many years, when I had only an intellectual understanding of inner bonding, I was able to do that part, to see that my little girl was hurting and needed my help, to want to know what I was doing to cause it and even to feel empathy and compassion for her. I was able to think of things to do that might help, like not allowing someone to shame and blame me or by taking good physical care of myself or changing what I said to myself, but I did not know how to have a truly loving adult. As a result, when I tried to take loving care of my little girl, it felt better than nothing, but very incomplete.

What I had not experienced, and is fundamental to Inner Bonding, is what this new part feels when there is a real loving adult present. I was not lost in the pain, but I was feeling sort of like a mechanic trying to fix a problem. What I did not know was how to do was fill this part that wanted to help my little girl with the energy of love. I couldn't begin to do that, because I had no spiritual connection. The spiritual connection is like a socket that we can plug into and fill with love. When we choose to connect, it happens. It literally feels like filling up with something, or maybe filling up with more of it. That is why the spiritual connection, the connection to a source of love, is an absolute requirement for Inner Bonding. There needs to be a part of you that can fill up with love, so that it can help your hurting child.

A lot has been written in other columns about "how" to access this spiritual connection and that will not be the topic of this one, except to say that each of us does it in our own way. A belief in the supernatural is not required; being comfortable with the word God is not required. The only requirement is the faith that a source of the energy of love will be available to us once we remove the wounded beliefs that get in the way and the willingness and desire to experience it.

Again, the loving adult does not become overwhelmed by the child's feelings. That is a sign that the loving adult is not present. The connection with a source of love, and deep compassion and empathy for the child are what the loving adult feels when the child is in pain. More than that, the loving adult sees the deep beauty and lovability of the child, no matter what the child is feeling. The loving adult remembers that the causes for the child's pain are almost NEVER really external. We get to learn that over and over. There is a kind of Inner Bonding joke-"Oh yes, I get that all those other times that I was in so much pain, it was because of what was going on inside, but THIS time I am sure it is due to something external." We all have that one. But the truth always turns out to be that the pain is about the child's being all alone, because no one is there to help him or her, and because you are telling him or her things that are causing the pain. That "no one is there feeling" can only be healed by the presence of your loving adult. No one else can do it for you.

When you cannot access your loving adult, it is time to get help. I find that often there is a wounded teenager in charge, and it is what people are experiencing as their "adult." This part may not be overwhelmed by the child's pain, but is not able to bring love either. To access the loving adult, we may need to zoom out further to get outside this teenager. We may actually need to bring love and healing to that part before we can help the little one. The wounded teenager is sometimes a gatekeeper. He or she cannot be reasoned with or dismissed, but he or she can be helped if there is a loving adult present. Often, he or she may understand the good reasons for and the consequences of the wounded behavior more easily and be ready to let go of the job of protecting the little ones when there is a loving adult who can do it.

So, to summarize, what does the loving adult feel like? In the presence of the child's pain, or in the presence of the child's joy for that matter, the loving adult feels filled with love, feels compassion and empathy for the child and for others as well. There is a great feeling of joy in this connection and in being able to take care of the incredibly precious little one inside, even when the child is hurting. There is a great deal of joy in being able to share this love with others. The loving adult is present for, but not caught up in and overwhelmed by the child's pain or the pain of others. The loving adult passionately wants to learn to be there for the child; because the loving adult understands that the child's deepest pain is that no one was and is there. And each time the loving adult has done its job, and is connected with the loved, no longer abandoned child inside our total being expands with joy. This is the wonderful place we get to return to, more and more, as we continue to practice the gift of Inner Bonding.

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Comments

Author	Comment	Date
Molliej Nantucket Massachusetts	Thank you for your insights about loving adult and everyone finding their own way. It really is a personal journey and I've gotten stuck sometimes intellectualizing about it. Today I was noticing if I even winked at wounded negative thoughts, it seemed to be all they wanted to run and drag me with them. I have learned to breathe into my heart and that centers me right away. I have been able to find that more and more and not engage with wounded thoughts.	04/24/2007 03:58 PM
Phyllis St. Louis Missouri	Hi Mollie You are most welcome. When I read your message, I wondered what would happen if you saw these wounded thoughts as cries for help from a child inside you? Could you move into your heart and help her? I agree that sometimes all we really need to do is change the channel, but maybe sometimes these can be doorways into deeper work. Hugs Phyllis	04/24/2007 04:38 PM
Molliej Nantucket Massachusetts	Hi Phyllis, Yes, I do think of those wounded thoughts as cries for help and sometimes I think it is a chemical soup getting stirred up during a hormonally challenged time. I just turned 49 and along with hot flashes, I have emotional surges also. If I breathe into my heart, I am mostly successful in not identifying with it. Learning to trust when to delve in to work and when to just have compassion for the stirrings.	04/26/2007 10:39 AM
Maria2009 New York	Phyllis, this article is what I needed to read today. Recently, I've been puzzled about why although I seem to be making great progress in disengaging with mom, healing some really scary false beliefs my younger wounded ones had, that I wasn't experiencing the corresponding fullness and joy..it's there for only brief periods throughout the day and it's intensity doesn't match what I thought was going on internally... I found out last nite that there's a wounded Adult that I've not been paying much attention to...she only gets glimpses/brief periods of acknowledgment....yet, it's she, I think, who's really down, cynical about all this work, she belittles what healing my younger ones are experiencing.. Do you have ideas for an effective dialogue with her?	12/27/2008 05:20 AM
Sonnenschein Groton Massachusetts	Dear Phillis, I am just wondering. When I do have a loving adult who shows up and is there most of the time for my hurting little girl with love, compassion and empathy and joy when the other person behaves unloving, can I do the same for another person too? My partner isn't interested in IB and I am accepting his choice but often I see his little child very hurt. Of course he abandons his child by blaming me for his hurt. So far what I was doing was just observing what is happening to him being compassionate to my little girl and telling her that this isn't about her, that she didn't do anything wrong and that I love her and than express compassion to his little boy but only in my mind. I don't say anything to him. I think if I could be a loving adult to him also to even though I understand that this is his job that would probably be more helpful to him than not saying anything. If my loving adult can also see the deep beauty and livability of his child, no matter how his child is feeling and behaving and than express my love, compassion, empathy to him wouldn't it feel very loving to him and his hurting little child's who feels so alone? Instead just silently observe what is going on as I am doing now? Wouldn't this action help his little boy to feel more loved and maybe even more healing to him than if I don't say anything? Thank you Phillis. I am always looking forward reading your articles. I learn so much from them. You always share from your own experiences. I can always feel that you were once struggling very much too with the IB process and that it is a process we all have to go through it. But once we get it the peace and joy we get is great and so much worthed all the struggle.	12/27/2008 08:11 AM
Phyllis St. Louis Missouri	Reply to Maria What you are describing sounds an awful lot like what turns out to be the inner teenager and yes, it often turns out that this is who has been running our lives without our knowing it. So, what if you knew that all this stuff was coming from a real teenager inside you who is confused, lonely, does not really know what to do but cannot let on to the world that this is true? Same thing, right? You would need to bring in your loving adult, the part of you that is in compassion, not judgment, for this teenager, who really knows that she is lovable and that there is a good reason for everything she is doing. Then you would have to interact with her from this place, which would mean feeling her out, feeling how open she is, telling her, perhaps, that you are her future self and that you have come back to help her, starting a conversation etc. It could take quite awhile for her to open up to you or, as sounds likely in your case, she might be very eager to tell you how she feels about her situation. It is a relationship and your LA has the job of building it so that your teenager can finally have someone who is there for here. This may well be easier said than done because there is often a lot of judgment on our teenaged selves and it can be a challenge to move out of the self-judgment we had as teenagers? Does this make sense to you? Blessings Phyllis	12/27/2008 09:22 AM
Phyllis St. Louis Missouri	Dear Sonnenschein This can get very tricky because it is very, very easy to go into control instead of feeling how helpless we really are over anyone else. If you are in compassion for yourself and for him, you will speak it loudly with your energy. If you are in compassion for yourself and for him, it will affect your actions because you will not use his woundedness to punish him or control him in any way. It is probably very important to tune in and see what your little girl needs when you see his little boy hurting so much. You may find, as I did, that she was very, very sad and wanted to do something. What I wound up being able to do was to hold my little girl on my lap, telling her how wonderful she was for caring so much and, together, sending light to him. It was very sad that we could not do any more, but we could not. The best you can do, since you are in relationship, is to be the living example of not abandoning yourself. Your not taking care of his little boy is his best shot at deciding to do it himself, but it may never happen. I assume, also, that you have read Susan Page's book "When Talking is Not Enough." Blessings Phyllis	12/27/2008 09:30 AM
Maria2009 New York	Phyllis, thanks for your thoughtful response and I concur with Sonnenshcein..as I read more and more of your articles/comments, I'm so grateful for the honest, real life struggles you share with us.. Today is a very busy "external day"..stuff that must be done since I'm going away on Monday..but during the course of the morning since I wrote my post, I've been hearing from both adolescents(there's a couple of them) and also this adult me who tells me how exhausted she is...that she just can't do this anymore..how interesting that you picked up that the adolescent is also in there...thank you. These last couple of weeks, my adolescent and I have been sharing some really powerful stuff from my years after the cancer diagnosis at age 13...and I think(stress "think") that we have a level of intimacy that's pretty strong, at least it's better than I've ever had but not deep enough yet?...what I think has happened is that I deal with a certain amount of her pain and extraordinary fears(these are new to me), then another age wounded comes thru for attention...then my adult(she's got a black dress on, weary countenance) is prodding to get some attention as I've been so focused on my younger WSs...That's what it's been like today... I've asked guidance to help me talk to her...the image I get is of us doing this together?...I tell her that I'm taking the responsibility yet my LA is in and out of focus and presence... Tonight when I'm done with the chores, I'll try again... Thanks again, so much..I'm also packing my place up and leaving Albany(mom, sibs) which is bringing up so much pain re: this is really the reality of my life..that I'm really am giving up hope/expectations of my family being that which I've always fantasized it would be... Please keep me in your prayers as this is, indeed, profoundly hard...	12/27/2008 12:42 PM
Sonnenschein Groton Massachusetts	Thank you Phillis for your helpful answer. Yes, I did read the book. "Your not taking care of his little boy is his best shot at deciding to do it himself, but it may never happen." How can somebody do that not knowing his little child, not knowing how to connect with him and be there for him? His hurt is so deep deep seated. I don't expect him to change. I know without IB he would continue to go through his peeks and valleys in his life. The difference now is I will not be affected anymore when he is down. I will not feed the fire he is starting anymore. I do not want ever to use his woundedness to punish him or control him in any way as I did in the past. Instead I would like to send only a positive energy his way when his little boy is hurting. Before I do that I would always make sure that my little girl is taken care of, feeling loved and safe. Thanks. Olivia	12/27/2008 05:31 PM
Phyllis St. Louis Missouri	Dear Olivia If you stay in compassion for yourself and for his little boy, then you will find yourself not engaging when he goes into his WS stuff. It will not touch you except for a sense of sadness because you cannot help him. I totally understand. I am heartbroken that the little boy inside my ex-husband is so abandoned it is almost unbearable to be around him. I love that little boy but only my ex-husband can help him and he is choosing to leave his body and bliss out instead. Maybe his soul will choose something different next time around, but right now, this is what he is choosing and I get to learn that I can love someone and not take any responsibility for their soul's journey. Blessings Phyllis	12/27/2008 06:53 PM
Phyllis St. Louis Missouri	Dear Maria I will keep you in my prayers. Sometimes the really hard stuff is the greatest gift you can get, but at the time it is just hard!! As for the one who is so exhausted, that is not your loving adult. Do you know that? I don't know how old she is, but you could ask her. This is another wounded self and she is exhausted because she is trying to control some things that she cannot control. It might be useful to try to tune into what those things might be. I would guess that if you can help her recognize this and let go of trying to do what is truly impossible, she will no longer feel so exhausted. Blessings on your journey Phyllis	12/27/2008 06:57 PM
Maria2009 New York	The one who is exhausted just told me she's in her 30s... back when I was diagnosed with a chronic fatigue disorder..my, oh my!...it's she that elicited my original post because she's been trying to get my attention while I've been attending to my much younger ones.. Tomorrow's plane flight has it's assignment...there is so much to be done before then that I'm telling her right now to hold tight, some semblance of LA is with her at all times and Guidance is with all of us! This was very helpful..thanks Phyllis..	12/28/2008 04:30 AM
Phyllis St. Louis Missouri	Wow! Good work. Hang in there and remember to take breaks to do something nice for yourself. Even 5 min at a time of being very kind to yourself makes a huge difference. Good luck!!! Phyllis	12/28/2008 08:31 AM
Maria2009 New York	Thanks Phyllis..amazingly hard day but went amazingly well, all things considered.. Had fun with my wounded teen who was triggered by my landlord, who yesterday was trying to muck around with my security deposit refund..she can be quite charming with guys who are cranky and overbearing(loads of practice with dad)...he departed our interaction, smiling...not sexual!. told him to not get all "big brother," shaming me cuz the house wasn't yet immaculate and that it was human obligation to be compassionate... Afterwards she and I laughed so hard..she was quite proud of herself!	12/28/2008 05:25 PM
Phyllis St. Louis Missouri	Congratulations Maria. Yes, having fun is part of the deal :-)	12/29/2008 10:45 AM
flowerpot UK	"The only requirement is the faith that a source of the energy of love will be available to us once we remove the wounded beliefs that get in the way and the willingness and desire to experience it." I don't think I have this - neither the faith that it will be available, nor the real will to experience it if it is. I'm scared of it and I don't have faith in it. Flowerpot x	12/29/2008 01:19 PM
Phyllis St. Louis Missouri	Hello Beth Finding the part of you that feels that way is a wonderful start. It is a WS child and she has really good reasons to feel that way. See if you can talk with her about it without trying to change her at all, maybe do a written dialog. There is a lot of information here. Blessings Phyllis	12/29/2008 01:43 PM
flowerpot UK	I've just tried a written dialogue about this and am shocked by what's come up. I have a strong sense that am certain there can be no source of love for me because of my wickedness, my badness. I've got this sense that if people knew what I've done, who I really am, I would be utterly alone, that I am utterly alone, and I crave forgiveness. I feel like I've looked inside and found a black pit of badness, that I didn't know was there. Flower	12/30/2008 02:37 AM
Phyllis St. Louis Missouri	Beth This is something all of us have to find. It is called core shame. You should find some of the columns written about it and it is also in Margaret's books. This is what we decide in order to have some control over, to make some sense of our lives when we are too little to do anything else. Yes, this is what is blocking your access to spirit and as your LA understands that this is just a very, very hurt child's beliefs, not the truth at all, as perhaps you check this out with spirit, everything will begin to change. Blessings Phyllis	12/30/2008 09:35 AM
jocep	Phyllis, you explain things so well, I appreciate your articles and explanations.	12/30/2008 06:02 PM
kimmtaff Atlanta Georgia	Phyllis I can identify with this article and the part about the wounded teenager. Recently I have discovered that my inner teen is angry and has a false belief that she has to fight to be heard...she has to fight for the right to have her own feelings..that she has to fight! I have often touched a point of core shame in saying (even out loud sometimes) that I try so hard and I am so exhausted. I am sure this is in trying to control what I have no power to control. I think I also heard Margaret say once that this wounded teen often comes out of being responsible for things before we are ready. This makes sense to me. Even as a child we were expected to be little adults and especially when we turned 18 it was as though I no longer had any access to guidance and support in any form. I have to keep this in mind with my own daughters. I know there is a lot of maturing to do between 18 and 21 and even beyond. I think our kids always need to know that we are there for them when they need emotional support even into early adulthood. I am trying to tell myself that it's okay not to fight. It's okay to do nothing. It's okay to lay down arms.	01/02/2009 09:04 PM
Phyllis St. Louis Missouri	Hi Kim When people find their wounded teen, often, loving that child is far more challenging than loving their 5 year old self. If you have not, perhaps you can tune into this teenaged self and really see her, really see the little ones that she is trying to protect, and especially really see how alone and misunderstood she felt and was. You job as her LA is to form a relationship with her and gain her trust, as her future self who has come back to give her what she needed at the time and never got, someone who cares about her, someone who completely understands her and someone who totally accepts and values her. I think when you gain her trust and help rewrite her reality, she will find it easier to stop fighting, but until things change in her reality, she really cannot. Blessings Phyllis	01/03/2009 09:14 AM

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