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What is Keeping You from Taking Responsibility for Your Inner Child?

By Phyllis Stein, Ph.D.
November 14, 2007



Learning to take the job of loving your inner child is a fundamental part of Inner Bonding. Learn about what may be keeping you from being able to do that.

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One of the hardest challenges in learning Inner Bonding is to reach the point of truly taking responsibility for our own feelings, for those of our inner child, especially for creating the feeling of being loved. Until we do, we are stuck. I speak from experience. It took me over 10 years to get it. As I work with people over the phone, I realize that this is a common issue. I wondered why. I realized that for many people, including me, there are three things in the way. The first is a lack of a source of love, a spiritual connection. The second is the belief that our best feelings come from someone else loving us. The third is the belief that if we are getting what we think we need, because we have gotten someone else to take care of us or because we have found an addiction that "works," then we really are okay.

Lack of connection to a source of love is a deal breaker. We can understand that we cause our own feelings, as I did and try to be aware of how we are causing them, but when something happens and our child feels unloved, our attempts to remedy this will always fall short. Our little ones simply will not feel loved. We try to do the 6 steps, but we only feel slightly better. The energy of love is completely available, but we have to find out what is in the way for us. In my case, it was the belief that there was some sort of test and that I had failed it, so I did not deserve God's love. If you cannot access a source of love, it is because there is a belief in the way. Find it. It is false.

I also believed that nothing could feel as good as my husband's love. Nothing that I could remember ever had. So, rather than being focused on learning to love my little girl, I was focusing all my energy on trying to get him to learn to take care of his little boy so that we could connect, and I could have his love. I was convinced that if I could ever learn to bring love to my little girl, it would feel exactly the way his love felt, only I could do it when he was mad at me. I was completely wrong. I discovered, and everyone else who has had this experience has discovered, that when we bring love through to our inner child, the feeling is far beyond anything we ever got from another person. So why settle for less?

Finally, I believed that when I was getting my husband's love, my little girl was okay. That may be the hardest one to let go of. It did feel so good. In a recent column, Margaret wrote " The problem with this is that, just as an actual child would feel abandoned if you kept trying to give him or her to someone else to care for, your inner child feels abandoned the moment you make another person responsible for your feelings." I understood that when my husband would not take the job of loving me, but it was also true, just as true, when he did. The only time our inner child does not feel abandoned, no matter how things seem, is when we take the job of loving him or her. If we do not, no matter how we get around it, no matter how good we think we feel, our inner child will feel abandoned.

I had already gotten the spiritual connection, but I had not gotten this part about her feeling bad when I thought I was feeling good. When my little girl showed me how much pain she was in when I gave her to my husband, whether he took her or not, I got that the pain would be there whether I felt it or not. At that moment I realized that I had no choice, except to take care of her myself. Any other choice would result in terrible pain. And that was also the moment that I found out that when I stopped giving her away, when I took the job of loving her, that MY love was the best thing going. Trust me on this one, yours will be too.

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Comments

Author Comment Date

Penny
Longmeadow
Hi Phyllis,

This was a very helpful article! I have been inner bonding for a couple of years now and I'm just starting to realize the magnitude of how addicted I am to making others responsible for my feelings and wellbeing.

Many times when I'm in social gatherings, I go into auto-pilot and can't understand why I feel so anxious. I caretake others and give myself up so they will like me. I get this jugemental voice that says, "You know how to inner bond!!! How many intensives do you need to go to before you finally get this!?! Why do you still fall into your old patterns?" Then I feel shame, avoid my feelings and start to feel depressed.

I know the source of my angst is from constantly abandoning myself while with others. And the good news is I do have an amazing connection to Guidance. After I read your article, I'm realizing how I need to focus on bringing the love and support down to my child. I'm somehow not doing this effectively yet. My little girl is still so scared of abandonment. I still want someone else to take care of her. I must have a false belief somewhere about Guidance that is not allowing me to bring the love down to my inner child. I feel like this is a huge missing link.

Love,
Penny
12/31/2007 08:59 AM

Phyllis
St. Louis Missouri
Hi Penelope

I am so glad this was helpful. What I get strongly, reading your post, is that your little girl has not yet shared with you how painful it is when you abandon her. This pain is the deepest pain you carry. I would suggest that you could return to any event where you went on autopilot and see yourself giving her away to everyone there. When you clearly have that image and can feel the truth of it, hold onto it and ask her how she feels when you do that. It might help if you focus first on a time when the person you tried to give her to was not willing to take her. If she is ready, she will let you in on it. If this happens, everything will change.

Hugs and blessings

Phyllis
12/31/2007 10:13 AM

Sonnenschein
Groton Massachusetts
Phyllis, what did your husband had to do for you so you felt loved by him?

I struggle with this. My partner makes major decision for himself which feel unloving to me. Because I want his companion I often compromise. I guess at that moment I abandon my inner Child. Am I right?

I am confused how do I take loving action in this situation for my inner Child. Do I have to risk loosing his companion? Do I speak up and let my partner know that his decisions are not loving to me, that his decisions don’t feel that I am as important to him as he says I am and that I can’t get along with his decisions. Do I tell him that I have to honor my feelings even if it means loosing him?

On one hand this feels good to me but on the other hand I don’t want to loose his companion. On the other hand when I do compromise I feel taken advantage of.
12/31/2007 10:24 AM

Penny
Longmeadow
Thanks for your feedback, Phyllis. That's the key. I'm still too afraid of losing others. I'm not hearing my little girl. My loving adult needs to be more present and just sit and listen to her. My loving adult needs to let it be OK for her to say anything. Love, Penny 12/31/2007 06:17 PM

Phyllis
St. Louis Missouri
Dear Sonnenshein




Actually, all he had to do was connect with me, just be present with me. That was very hard for him, because he could not be present for himself.




Yes, it sounds like you are trying to have control over his willing to be with you by giving yourself up to him.



I copied your entire question here, because I think that the first step is actually internal. Yes, there are loving actions that you might take with respect to him, but if you are trying to get him to act in a way that makes you important, that tells me that you are not making your little one important to you. I think that until you are coming from a place of being willing to fully take responsibility for your little girl's happiness, the actions you take really don't make much difference. Once you can really get that as long as you don't make her happiness important, really, no matter what you say or do, it won't help her. Fully taking responsibility for her happiness actually means that you do not take ANYTHING he does personally. Right now you take it all personally. It is not about you. It is about his own inability to be there for his own little boy and you have no control over that.



When you are taking responsibility for your own happiness, you might be more able to find solutions that work for both of you. Right now though, your wounded self is giving your little girl two choices, resist and be alone or go along and feel taken advantage of. You need to give her the third choice of having a way to feel loved, safe and important no matter what he does.

Does that help?

Hugs

Phyllis
12/31/2007 11:21 PM

Sonnenschein
Groton Massachusetts
Dear Phyllis,

Wow, what a meaningful respond!!! Every word is very meaningful to me. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Everything you said makes lots of sense to me. I am going to bold your answer in big letters and put them in my special place where I can reach it and reread your answer every day until I get it.

Isn’t it sad that it takes so little to feel loved? Just to be present with me. And he couldn’t do it because he didn’t know how to be present with himself. Wow!
Were you at the time able to be present with yourself? If no, would being present for yourself made a difference for you and your relationship with your husband?

Wow! Yes,I do,I do take each of his decision very personally. That is why I am getting hurt all the time and feeling like a victim. This one, is very important for me to learn. Not to take ANYTHING he does personally. And it doesn’t matter what kind of decision he makes for himself. My responsibility is to make myself feel loved, safe and important.

Thank you, Phyllis so much for your very thoughtful respond to me.
Love, Olivia
01/01/2008 06:13 AM

Phyllis
St. Louis Missouri
Dear Olivia


What an exciting message from you to read at the start of this New Year! I am thrilled! You did ask a question and the answer is that no, I was not able to truly fill myself when my husband was not there to do it for me. The details are in the column that I wrote about 'Keeping Your Eyes on Your Own Plate." I was able to do everything but the one thing I needed which was to bring connection to my little girl, because I could not access any source of that except my husband. Once I was able to open to a source of love, everything could and did change.

Hugs

Phyllis
01/01/2008 09:00 AM

lindsayswisdom
California
Wow, reading Phyllis' article on this topic & Margaret's addiction to complaining, I am realizing how I sabotage my relationships with this garbage. My real challenge now is to be in compassion for this part,without indulging addictively,to learn more about loving. There is so much to learn-And I am afraid of continuingto do all the wrong things. So, one day at a time, I guess. Thanks for the article Phyllis 10/18/2007 07:08 PM

EmilyAgnew
Rochester New York United States
Hi Lindsayswisdom,
I'm celebrating your insight with you! You sound very clear, knowing what you need to do. And I think your "one day at a time" is very wise. I say that because in my own experience, the time just after I've gotten an insight like you've gotten, is in some ways the hardest--seeing clearly what you call the "garbage" that I'm thinking, but not having quite figured out how to change it yet! I am very glad you are so clear around the importance of developing compassion for this part of you (and understanding the good reasons you've had an addiction to complaining).

Warmly

Emily
10/19/2007 08:20 AM

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