"How do you know when your partner is really doing Inner Bonding - is really open to learning?" 

This is a question that Andrea asked me while going through a divorce. 

Andrea and Rudy had consulted with me because of the problems in their marriage. Andrea took to Inner Bonding with a deep commitment to learn and heal and believed that Rudy was doing the same thing. 

However, as time went on, it became apparent that Rudy had no intention of taking responsibility for his own feelings. This was confusing to Andrea. How could he understand and be doing Inner Bonding, yet not make any changes? 

"Andrea, just because Rudy says he is doing Inner Bonding doesn't mean he is actually doing it. Unless he has a deep intent to learn about loving himself and taking responsibility for his own feelings, he is not actually doing Inner Bonding. From what you are telling me, he continues to blame you for his feelings and withdraw. You need to either accept him as he is and stop expecting change or let go of the relationship." 

Looking back, Andrea was now able to see the signs that Rudy was not actually open to learning. 

"I think that one of the signs that Rudy was not open to learning was that he could never acknowledge a mistake. He was totally uninterested in looking at any mistakes he had made and virtually never apologized for anything that happened. I think that people who take responsibility for their feelings and actions generally are interested in knowing when they misinterpret something. But he always had to be right. 

"He would pray and meditate every day and try to move through the deep pain he was in, but he could not get that he was causing it, because that would mean - in his mind - he was doing something wrong. My part is that I always had more compassion for his little boy than I had for my own little girl, so I was trying to take care of him instead of myself, hoping that eventually he would be able to be present with me in a loving way." 

People can pray and meditate with the intent to get rid of pain rather than to learn what they are doing to cause their pain. 

In fact, many spiritual people do just that - use prayer and meditation as a spiritual bypass to try to feel better without taking responsibility for their feelings. 

"I think he confused blaming me with compassion for himself - that he thought that blaming me showed he was standing up for his little boy. He was never treated with compassion growing up and had little or no compassion for me." 

When people practice Inner Bonding, they develop compassion for themselves and for others. – provided they are capable of compassion. Because Rudy was not actually practicing Inner Bonding, he stayed stuck in being a victim of his past. 

Even with all the problems in the relationship, Andrea was totally committed to staying and working them out. She was, therefore, shocked when Rudy suddenly left her for another woman. 

"Yesterday, as a result of a column that someone gave to me, I connected with my deepest grief about Rudy's leaving. The column was about the challenges of the journey to real intimacy with a soul mate, someone you are so deeply connected to that you cannot leave no matter how hard it gets. I realized that doing that journey had been my deepest passion - going through whatever it takes to heal and reach that place of true soul level marriage. I loved Rudy enough to do that, and I believed that he really loved me. 

“As I thought about this, I realized that Rudy bailed out of this journey long ago. When we first met, he told me that he wanted to reach the deepest possible intimacy with his partner. Several years ago, when he was in a wounded and withdrawn state, I asked him how this squared with his desire for real intimacy. He responded, 'I gave up on that long ago.' At the time I thought this was just his wounded self speaking, but now I realize that it was true. That is part of why we were so stuck. We reached a certain point and then nothing ever got better between us. I still wanted it more than anything else, but he no longer did. Realizing this reduces the pain of losing him, because it helps me realize that what I thought was our relationship, the journey towards having what I so deeply wanted, ended long before he left. 

"I asked myself what I wanted to get as a result of this deep, intimate soul journey and of course the answer was to be completely able to give and receive love. I understand now, with the help of Inner Bonding, that this journey can be with myself, with God, as well as with my soul's partner. I would love to do it with a partner, but that person will have to have a real commitment to learning. I will never again deceive myself about whether it is there."