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Relationships: Be Willing To Have People be Upset With You

By Dr. Margaret Paul
April 20, 2008



Do you give yourself up and care-take others to avoid conflict? Discover how this might be the cause of your unhappiness and may be leading to failed relationships.

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As a counselor, I often work with people who are unhappy in their relationship and thinking of leaving. They believe that they are unhappy because of their partner, but the real reason is that they are not taking responsibility for their own feelings within the relationship.

For example, when Lila started to work with me, she was convinced that it was her husband's lack of help around the house, his anger, and his unwillingness to communicate with her that was causing her unhappiness. Yet it soon because apparent to me that her unhappiness was being caused by giving herself up and care-taking others to avoid conflict.

"Lila, you constantly give yourself up and do what others want you to do - not just with Seth, but with your children and with people at work. There must be a good reason that you do this, even though it is making you feel resentful and trapped. Why do you think you are doing this?"

"I just don't like to fight. I don't like conflict. I don't like arguing. I don't like for people to be upset with me.

"When people are angry or upset with you, what are you telling yourself that make this so hard for you?"

"I'm telling myself that I did something wrong or they wouldn't be upset."

"So you are taking responsibility for their feelings and behavior instead of your own. You are telling yourself that you are CAUSING their upset, rather than their upset coming from what they are telling themselves about your behavior. It sounds like you want to believe that you cause - and therefore control - their feelings and behavior, and you also want to believe that they are causing yours."

"If I don't do what they want and they get upset, aren't I causing their upset?"

"No. If you don't do what your husband wants and he gets upset, he might be telling himself something like, "Lila doesn't care about me." It is this thought that is upsetting him. But is this true? When you don't do what he wants, is it because you don't care about him?"

"No, not at all. Usually it is something that he can do for himself and I want to do something else with that time."

"So his upset is coming from what he is telling himself rather than from you having done something wrong. But he will continue to get angry and blame you as long as it works for him to get you to do what he wants. The way out of this dysfunctional system is for you to be willing to have him be angry with you. You might want to practice saying to yourself, 'I'm willing for others to be upset with me. I don't cause their upset. I haven't done anything wrong.' When you are willing for others to be upset with you and you know you are not the cause of their feelings, then you are free to take responsibility for your own feelings. You are free to be kind and loving to yourself and them, instead of giving yourself up and caretaking them."  

As Lila became willing to have her husband - and others - be upset with her and willing to take responsibility for her own feelings rather than theirs - which she learned to do through her consistent Inner Bonding practice and through receiving much support from the Inner Bonding membership community - she found herself becoming happy. The more she took responsibility for her own feelings rather than for Seth's, the more loving she felt toward Seth.

I have found that taking responsibility for others' feelings rather than one's own is one of the key issues that cause relationships to fail. Learning how to take responsibility for your own feelings and wellbeing and not for others' feelings may heal your relationship!

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Comments

Author Comment Date

TenderSpirit
Lakewood Washington United States
I am learning it best for me to let go of those people that cannot see eye to eye with me about my healing journey. In recent weeks I have come to a place within myself that I will hand over myself to others and that I will not permit others to integrate their negative projections about ME in our conversation. I demand respect love and acceptance just I offer to others. But to take on others negative vibes, I cannot longer afford myself to do. So yes, It is OK as I have learned in recent days that it is OK to have people upset with me because I am learning to take responsibility for my thoughts and feelings and self care if that means that having them upset with me for taking care of myself. I was also able to to put in words say to a Friend that I will no longer allow her to express her negative thoughts about what an doing or how I am handling any given situation and words about ME. I spoke to hear and said if she does not have a anything nice to say about me, then I have no interest in what she has to share or say with me. I will not longer hand over my Little Girl or myself and my feelings to her. I will take responsibility for my thoughts feelings, emotions and actions. Al ask that she walk with me rather then try to fix me or change me. That is in my highest good. Very Powerful and very healing to be able to do so.

Thanks Margaret.
04/21/2008 02:12 PM

lindsayswisdom
California
Okay, not only do I want to control my son's behavior, because I think I'm supposed to do that to be a good parent, although it means he will be really angry with me, which is painful for me, this mantra of I am willing to allow him to be upset with me, I can look inside and take responsibility for my own fear of his being upset. This is my fear, I want to take care of it because it belongs to me. Maybe it will sink in!! 04/22/2008 06:39 AM

kate
Queensland Australia
I guess this also fits in with conflict avoidance for me. I very much hold myself responsible for other people's feelings. 04/22/2008 03:09 PM

TenderSpirit
Lakewood Washington United States
It has been a really incredible week with having my Friend being really not happy with me. After shared with her that I am choosing not to communicate or engage with her with all the negative vibrations I have been receiving from her since being home from the intensive. I thought she might get the hint. Yet as she showed up her this morning and all that came out of her were negative comments I asked her to leave. Expressing to her that was the exact reason I have not visited or called and she was continuing to do the same kind of verbal communication abo0ut Courtney and that she felt a need to express to us. Even Courtney said to me this evening that Karen was being rude. Courtney said she was about to tell Karen "Your Not My Mom". But was kind of ironic that Courtney was feeling the same negative vibrations that I have been experiencing with Karen, So Yes it difficult to have close Friends angry with me. But not engaging her or sharing time with her has brought much peace into my heart and soul and spirit. Putting words into action has become important to me. 04/26/2008 10:51 PM

lindawis
Doylestown Pennsylvania
It is very healing for me to understand that I will not die if others are upset with me. The biggest leap was to believe I did not cause their upset. I came to understand this when I tried not to get overly emotional over something my husband said. I did it! Unlike the past, I was able to stop, breathe, and let it go! So now I understand others can do that too, if they want to learn how. If they don't ask, they won't learn, and I can bless them and move on with my day. 04/30/2008 06:16 AM

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