Are You on Your Mobile Phone? Click here for 2800+ mobile optimized, self help and self growth articles.

Are You Conflict Avoidant?

By Dr. Margaret Paul
December 31, 2006



Are you afraid of conflict? Discover how your avoidance may be the underlying cause of some conflict, and how to heal your fear.



fear of conflictDoes conflict scare you? What do you do to avoid it?

  • Do you lie to have control over the other person not being mad at you?
     
  • Do you give yourself up, going along with what the other person wants to keep the peace?
     
  • Do you avoid standing up for yourself?
     
  • Do you shut down or withdraw?
     
  • Do you use substance or process addictions as a way of being unavailable?
     
  • Do you get angry and blaming, intimidating the other person into backing down?

 

Many people are afraid to get into conflict, and they believe that their fear is about what the other person will do.

When I ask my clients what they are afraid of if they speak up for themselves and take loving care of themselves in their relationships, this is what they generally say:

  • "He will get angry at me."
  • "She will leave me."
  • "He will disconnect from me."
  • "I will end up getting hurt."
  • "It will always end up being my fault."
  • "I can't win."
  • "I will end up alone."

If you believe that your fear of conflict is due to the other person's behavior, you might want to do Inner Bonding and explore the fear. Your Inner Child might say to you:

  • "When he gets angry with me, you don't take care of me. You abandon me. You don't speak up for me, or take me away from abusive behavior."
     
  • "I am afraid of her leaving me because you always leave me. You don't care about me, so I am terrified of her leaving and being alone."
     
  • "You disconnect from me, so it terrifies me for him to disconnect from me. You don't take care of me when he disconnects from me."
     
  • "I end up getting hurt because you abandon me, allowing me to take things personally. You hurt me by abandoning me in conflict."
     
  • "You shame me, telling me that things are all my fault."
     
  • "You don't stand up for me. You cave in all the time, giving me up so I always feel like the loser."
     
  • "I get angry because you are not around to take care of me. If I didn't get angry, I would end up being taken advantage of."

 

The fear of conflict often comes from the ego wounded self being in charge, instead of the loving adult.

If you chose to show up as a loving adult in conflict, you would embrace conflict as a learning opportunity, regardless of the other person's behavior. If the other person is open to learning, then both of you can learn much about yourselves and each other from the conflict. If the other person is not open, then you can learn much about taking loving care of yourself in the face of another's intent to control.

Avoiding conflict with lying, addictions, anger and blame, giving yourself up, resisting or withdrawing does not make the conflict go away. In fact, much conflict is about these very behaviors. While a conflict may be about an issue, such as being late, being messy, sexuality, parenting, chores, and so on, eventually the real conflict is about protective, avoidant behavior.

 

As some of you know, the Chinese symbol for conflict has two meanings: conflict and opportunity.

Conflict is always a wonderful opportunity to learn, when your intent is to learn. However, in order to open to learning in conflict, you must be a loving adult capable of taking loving action in your behalf - of speaking your truth, of disengaging from a closed interaction, of bringing love and comfort to your inner child, of doing Inner Bonding to discover the source of your painful feelings, and of discovering what you can do for yourself in the face of another's refusal to explore.

Fear of conflict will gradually disappear as you practice Inner Bonding and develop your powerful loving adult.

Heal your relationship with Dr. Margaret’s 30-Day online relationship course: Wildly, Deeply, Joyously in Love.
 

Image by PublicDomainPictures from Pixabay



Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs
CC BY-NC-ND


Send this article to a friend    Print this article    Bookmarked 7 time(s)
Bookmark and Share    Share with Del.icio.us    submit 'Are You Conflict Avoidant?' to digg Share with Digg    Share with StumbleUpon
There are no videos, Click to add one to the gallery!
There is no audio, Click to add audio to the gallery!
There are no pictures, Click to add one to the gallery!

Comments


More Help

Looking for help with Are You Conflict Avoidant??

Search for solutions on Are You Conflict Avoidant? within the InnerBonding.com website using Google's Site Search.




 
 



Daily Inspiration

Anxiety is often a sign that you are not in surrender to spirit. Much anxiety is the result of attachment to control. We get anxious when we desire control over that which we have no control, when we are not in the moment, and when we are not in faith that we are being guided in our highest good. Today, notice your anxiety and see how it relates to control.

By






Explore More Inner Bonding

 

DAILY INSPIRATION

Anxiety is often a sign that you are not in surrender to spirit. Much anxiety is the result of attachment to control. We get anxious when we desire control over that which we have no control, when we are not in the moment, and when we are not in faith that we are being guided in our highest good. Today, notice your anxiety and see how it relates to control.

By

INNER BONDING EVENTS

Inner Bonding Events

All Inner Bonding Events