Daily InspirationWhen you spend time with someone, is your intent to give or to get? Notice in your interactions with others if you are sharing your caring and understanding, or if you are trying to get attention and approval. Or, are you giving to get - giving caring to get approval? Noticing your intent can help you shift from trying to get to wanting to give and share. By Dr. Margaret Paul
Beyond Emotional VictimizationBy Dr. Margaret Paul
December 31, 2006
Are you an emotional victim, making others responsible for your feelings of worth and happiness? Discover how Inner Bonding can give you the power to move beyond victimization, define your own worth and create your own happiness!
None of us like to think of ourselves as victims. The term "victim" brings to mind a pathetic image of a person who is powerless. Therefore, it comes as a shock to most of us to realize how often we allow ourselves to be victimized.
We are being victims anytime we give another person the power to define our worth. We are being victims anytime we make approval, sex, things, a substance, or an activity responsible for our feelings of happiness and lovability. We operate as victims anytime we blame another for our feelings of fear, anger, hurt, aloneness, jealousy, disappointment and so on. Whenever we choose to define ourselves externally, we are handing away power to others and we then feel controlled by their choices. When we choose to define ourselves internally through our connection with our spiritual Guidance, we move out of victimization and into personal power and personal responsibility.
We always have two choices: we can try to find our happiness, peace, safety, security, lovability and worth through people, things, activities and substances; or we can feel joyful, peaceful, safe, secure, lovable and worthy through practicing Inner Bonding - connecting with Spirit, learning to take loving care of ourselves and loving others.
Whenever we choose to find our happiness and safety through others, then we have to try to control them to give us what we want. Then, when they don't come through for us in the way we hoped they would, we feel victimized by their choices.
Here is an example: Don and Joyce are in a continual power struggle over how to handle their children. Joyce tends to be authoritarian while Don is fairly permissive. When Joyce gets frustrated with Don's parenting, she generally yells at him about his permissiveness. Don often listens to Joyce rant and rave at him. Sometimes she goes on for over an hour and he just listens. Then, when he tries to talk with her, she refuses to listen. Don then feels victimized, complaining about how Joyce yells at him and refuses to listen to him. He gets stuck in victimization.
When I asked Don in a session why he sits and listens to Joyce, he stated that he hoped if he listened to her she would listen to him. I asked if she ever does listen during these conflicts, and he answered "No." "Why do you need her to listen to you?" "I want to explain to her why I did what I did with the children." "Why do you need to explain it to her?" "So she won't be mad at me."
Don allows himself to be yelled at by Joyce as his way of trying to control Joyce, hoping to get her to approve of him. Then he feels victimized by her yelling, blaming her for being such an angry, controlling person.
If Don were willing to practice Inner Bonding and learn to take responsibility for approving of himself through his connection with his spiritual Guidance, he would not listen to Joyce when she was yelling at him. Instead, he would set a boundary against being yelled at, stating that he would listen to her only when she spoke to him with respect and only when she was open to learning with him. But as long as she has to approve of him for him to feel secure or worthy, he will not set this boundary. Until Don opens to his higher self for his security and worth, instead of handing this job to Joyce, he will continue to be victimized by her unloving behavior.
Practicing Inner Bonding and learning to take responsibility for our own feelings of worth and lovability, instead of giving that job to others, moves us out of victimization and into personal power. Joining the Inner Bonding Membership Community is a huge support in learning how to do this.
Join Dr. Margaret Paul for her 30-Day at-home Relationships Course: "Loving Relationships: A 30-Day Home-Study Experience with Dr. Margaret Paul -
For people who are partnered and people who want to be partnered."
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