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Children roll with belly-laughter at everyday things. I was never like that. (but sure am now!)


Where Was Guidance?

By Ivanka Jankovic
September 26, 2009

Have you ever pondered where was guidance before? Did we communicate? And how?

Those are the questions that always puzzled me. And I decided to look at my life and see if, when and how I communicated with my guidance before I was introduced to inner bonding.


As long as I remember the only time I felt unity with nature was on sand beaches of the Adriatic Sea. On not too hot days with blue sky, dazzling sea and light breeze I felt deep connection with everything around me. I felt that everything around me was breathing, radiant and alive. I tried to share this with people, just to quickly find out they thought I was weird.


I also had another weird habit. Whenever I would really need something and hit a wall with humans I asked that from the universe. I grew up in non-religious family so I never considered asking God or Angels for anything. Again I felt that out there is not empty space but it is very alive. This I did not share with anyone. I asked only when I was in crisis. I put my request out there, fully surrendered, and before or later the solution was delivered. I was always amazed how perfect it was.


I had flashes of insights, and just pure knowing. That could not be proved by anything rational, and if I wanted to belong, to be as anybody else I had to push those things away. But I kept reading anything that came my way that was about paranormal.


Then in year 1999 I was hit by huge crisis that brought me down to my knees. It was the D-year of my life. My coping mechanism was called caretaking. There was nothing I would not do to restore peace. But sometime in the year 2000 I was totally aware it was not working. I was shattered, and acutely aware that this time I would not be able to pick up pieces, glue them together, and go on with my life.


This is when I started to pray. This was brand new thing for me, as I never prayed. Before I went to bed I would ask for guidance. I would repeat my request 3 times. The first thing that entered my life was meditation. I learned primordial sound meditation. The moment I closed my eyes and started to repeat my mantra I would touch deep pain in my solar plexus (my inner child). I would get angry and say out loud all those words that I pushed back and never said. So instead of peace and joy, I had a lot of tears and anger. I also stared to read a lot. Mostly books on oriental teachings of Buddhism, Zen and Taoism. They all confirmed what I already knew - that there was more to life than what meets eye. I went to a library very often. Somehow I got self-help books and for the first time heard term: inner child. What irritated me the most was that author said it is possible to heal, but did not provide the steps. I got angry and while holding book in front of me I told him: I know!! HOW???


All that time I kept praying. I even admitted that I did not know the solution.


Although I was regularly practicing tai chi, meditated, volunteered, read tons of books got more insights, still something was missing.


I always had a lot of dreams. I could remember every detail when I woke up, and most of the time I knew the meaning. At that particular time in my life it was like movie theatre. I had dreams that would continue the next day, lucid dreams and so many insights. I had a lot of questions but few answers.


During my weekly trips to the library I found myself in the psychology section. I was really puzzled. It felt like some force took my hand and walked me there. So every time I went to the library I did a little tour in that section. I had a big fat zero knowledge in psychology. Well, while I was there I glanced over the books and besides Jung and Adler could not recognize anyone else, so I started reading the titles. A book named Man’s Search for Himself by Rollo May caught my attention so I took it. It was the beginning of my journey into something new. This book lead to another, and then another, and another. I got some answers and it seemed like somebody was just putting those books on my path. 


Then one day while walking among library shelves another book caught my attention: Healing Your Aloneness by Dr. Paul and Dr. Chopich. I did not take it but the last name Chopich stayed with me and I decided to google Erika Chopich. An article about entitlement showed up. I loved it. Something deeply resonated with me. At the bottom of it was written:


Needless to say I got the book and started to read articles on the web site. It was for the first time that I felt someone understands me. This pain, hurt and sadness were not my imagination. I had many aha moments, many tears were shed while reading. Everything was ok until the moment I started to consider having a couple of sessions. Part of me could not believe that I was going to see a SHRINK. She tried very hard to prevent me naming all the reasons why not: spending money, losing my mind, who got help from therapy, cult etc. Even though at that time I did not have a firm knowledge who is who in inner bonding the other part of me stood up and said I am going with 10 sessions. Period.


So in my first session with Margaret I connected with my guidance. I chose a male guidance as most love that I had in my life came from men. If somebody said my guidance was female (and she was) I would just shut down and resist that idea.


With regular practice of inner boding my connection with guidance grew stronger. There were moments when I felt a wall and could not hear her but quickly learned that my wounded self was in charge, and just a quick realignment of my intent would restore my connection. I kept getting answers to all my unanswered questions. What struck me the most was simplicity. Each answer was not to short, not to long, just perfect, no blame and no shame to anyone. The words "should", "must" and "have to" were never used.  My wounded self tried to take over and pretend to be my guidance but just made one mistake. She used word the "should."  


So I decided to ask her a couple of questions about what was happening before we met.


Were you taking me to the psychology section? Yes.


Were you bringing all those books to me? Yes. When you prayed for guidance there was a very small opening but enough to reach you. The best way to reach you was through books as you have a great love towards them.


Did you make me google Chopich? I just reminded you. After all that is the same last name of your favourite child’s writer.


I had so many dreams. Did you talk to me through my dreams? Always. I knew I reached you when you woke up and knew the meaning. (I still have dreams but not as much as before.)


Where you on the beach when I felt harmony with everything around me? Yes.


Do you think I am weird? NO!


Where you with me when I decided not to call my mother, and realized that being right was more important to her than my well-being? I could’ve died and she refused to reach out. Yes. It was heart breaking to see you hurting. You believed that you were all alone, nobody to hear and understand you. You were not alone but just did not know that.


Were you offended that I chose a male as my guidance? No. The gender, name and form are irrelevant. I can be anything you want. The only important thing is that you want to connect with me. It’s free will and I cannot make you connect with me.


 My continual lesson is to remember that I am not alone. I do not need to figure things out. I can ask for guidance and will get it in every single moment whether it is a big or small thing like: Should I buy this bread? I cannot burden or annoy her. She is available all the time. And her name is Ana – the name that I always loved.


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