Here Comes Da Judge!

" When one experiences the truth, the madness of finding fault with others disappears." S.N. Goenka

            "Oh my god is that________? I almost didn't recognize her .....she's soooooo fat. Shoot me if I ever get that fat...please." In fact, try substituting any other judgment, and it will remain the same feeling...and followed by the same advice...if only....they would/wouldn't....our version of a better life for someone else.

            Man, as I sit here long enough...I really feel even deeper heartbreak at the many ways I've judged and been judged....and not to fool myself...the judging continues...however in the light of awareness the truth is discovered. Judgments often sound like this ....."if they only would (eat right, exercise, put forth effort...looked in the mirror, etc.) they wouldn't be so (fat, out of shape, disorganized, out of work, etc)." You get the picture? I hope you do, as behind these images are each individuals very good reasons for their current state of being and no judgment is ever going to create the environment in which loving and lasting change can exist.

            I can attest to 9 years of judgment of the tremendous amount of weight I gained as I watched my father commit a long slow suicide, moved my kids to their father's. I felt so lost while trying to control what wasn't in my control. I used food and alcohol to numb the pain and fear. I was determined to find a loving solution that would create permanent change. In my search, I stumbled upon Inner Bonding 3 years  and five months ago. I learned the truth of the judgment, that you can learn for yourself....if you're judging others....you can be certain you are judging yourself even more harshly. Judgment is a deeper heartbreak than I ever imagined cutting me deeper than any knife. "Judge not lest you be judged "from the bible has new meaning for me as I practice these six-steps...and I rephrase it saying...if I judge others, I can be sure I'm doing the same to myself.

            What is the benefit of judging? I realize I wouldn't do it, we wouldn't do it if on some level it didn't give us some form of pleasure...stretching that word a bit. I call it the "Jerry Springer Effect". If I compare myself, my actions and lifestyle to another with a manufactured (they do have writers for that show) unconscious, disconnected and over the top dysfunctional person...in that moment I'm going to feel good about myself. I can do the same by comparing myself to others in less extreme situations. This my friend is a backlash of seeking self-esteem rather than seeking the truth. If my goal is to feel better about myself, I will seek to feel better than others....and judgment is my perfect tool to this end. However, there is no rest, for as the wicked queen kept looking in the mirror and asking "who is the fairest in the land" she was in a restless search to be the "best".

            Discovering the benefit of judgment, as I am seeking the truth about all of my beliefs. I then move into compassion for the part of me that believes this is the answer to my fears. I can open to learning about what the truth is about my beliefs about judgment. I can move into the feelings and other beliefs that judgment has in my life. One of my tools when I feel particularly challenged happens to me in Step 4 dialogue with guidance...especially when I can feel fear return. I slip back to Step 2 and check in with my intention and invite in compassion, and ask for a sense of humor to not take my wounded self so seriously.

            My guidance can be downright funny....in Step 4:Dialogue with guidance, humor can be used to diffuse the fear. As I began my work this morning, in preparation to write this article, my guidance reminded me of Flip Wilson, a comedian that had a variety show when I was growing up. One of his statements was "here come the judge" that has a snappy tune from 1968 by the same name....he also had a routine about a reverend and his wife...whose phrase was "the devil made me do it!" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0SLifea3NHQ)  My guidance has taught me ways I can switch station in my head and see Flip Wilson in the place of my wounded and fearful self...doing the wounded self excuses and justifications for my behavior and has a dance to go with it...and giggle just long enough to create that space...just as compassion raises our frequency...so does laughter. If you can include a moment of laughter in your process...you've found another way into an open heart.

            So today, see if you can find other ways to create space between the thought and the judgment to learn about your beliefs. Compassion, laughter and breathing are my favorite tools for seeking the truth. Blessed Mother Teresa once said "if you judge people, you have no time to love them" and I remind myself of that when I set my intentions during the day....and I would rather love.