Does Your Inner Child Want to Control You?

Greg was having a problem connecting with his inner child. When someone is having difficulty connecting with the feelings and desires of their inner child, it is often because they are not really open to learning. In a session, Greg and I explored this. 

"Greg, there must be a good reason that you don't really want to know what your inner child is feeling and wanting. Is there something you are afraid of?" 

"Yes," he replied. I'm afraid that he is going to want me to do things that I don't want to do. I'm afraid he is going to be demanding of me." 

"So, you believe that your inner child wants control over you?" 

"Yes, I'm sure he wants control over me. And you know that I hate to be controlled." 

"So, when your son was born and cried to be fed or changed or held, did you see that as his wanting control over you?' 

"Oh no, not at all. He was just letting me know what he needed." 

"So what is the difference between your son and your inner child?" 

"I think that my inner child is more like my son is now. Now at 10 he is often very demanding, and I sometimes end up feeling controlled by him." 

"Okay, so let's take the analogy of your son and bring it inside. When your son was a baby, he was just being his natural soul self and expressing his real needs. Now, at times he is being his wounded self and making demands on you. Inside, you also have these parts - your soul self, which is your inner child, and your wounded self. But because you are afraid of being demanded of by your wounded self, you are not tuning into your inner child and are therefore ignoring your very real needs. Just as you need to set limits with your son when he being a brat, so you need to set limits with your own wounded self when he is being a brat. But this does not mean that you ignore your son's real needs for caring, attention, compassion, acceptance, and understanding. And it doesn't mean that you ignore his needs for help in various areas or ignore his needs for good food and so on. Yet you continue to ignore your own inner child’s needs for nurturing, acceptance, compassion, caring, as well as for good food and exercise and rest and playtime. You work him to exhaustion and then wonder why you end up feeling alone and empty." 

"So, you are saying that while my wounded self may be demanding, my inner child is not. And I don't need to be controlled by the demands of my wounded self. But what if my inner child wants me to just quit my job and go play? Then what?" 

"Greg, you are confusing your wounded self with your inner child. Your inner child would never demand that you become irresponsible to yourself and your family. Your inner child wants an opportunity to express himself, but not at the cost of becoming irresponsible." 

"But what if my inner child doesn't want to be married and work? What if I really want to just travel around and not be tied down?" 

"Your inner child is not a part of you that would ever demand that you act in a way that is not in your highest good. You would never feel good abandoning your family to just go play, so your inner child would never demand this. But you are not going to know this just by my saying it to you. Would you be willing to really open to learning about your feelings and needs and see what happens?" 

Greg was willing and soon discovered that his fears of being controlled by his inner child were totally unfounded. Instead, he was able to start taking loving action on his own behalf and bring much more joy into his life.

Join Dr. Margaret Paul for her 30-Day at-home Course: "Love Yourself: An Inner Bonding Experience to Heal Anxiety, Depression, Shame, Addictions and Relationships."