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Self-Judgment Versus Self-Compassion

By Dr. Margaret Paul
December 31, 2006



The most common underlying cause of anxiety, depression, addictive behavior and relationship problems is self-judgment. The antidote is self-compassion. In this article, learn how Inner Bonding helps you move beyond self-judgment and into self-compassion.

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We hear a lot about how important it is to be compassionate toward others, and it is very important. The problem is that you may not be able to really feel compassion toward others until you are able to feel compassionate toward yourself.

In the many years that I've been doing counseling, I've discovered that the most common underlying cause of anxiety, depression, addictive behavior and relationship problems is self-judgment. The most prevalent self-judgment is:

"I'm not good enough."

There are many variations to this core shame belief:

"I'm not lovable."
"I'm unworthy."
"I'm flawed."
"I'm not important."
"I'm bad."
"I'm a failure."
"I'm stupid."
"I'm not okay."
"I'm not enough."

However you phrase it, it is saying the same thing. It is a profound judgment against who you really are. And it is the opposite of self-compassion.

The moment we judge ourselves, we are telling ourselves that we have no good reasons for our feelings and behavior - that we are just not good enough. Yet our feelings and behavior always come from our belief system. When we are feeling badly and behaving in unloving ways toward ourselves and others, it is always because we are operating from false beliefs about ourselves and others.

If, instead of judging ourselves for our feelings and behavior, we were to move into compassion for ourselves, we would open the door to learning about the beliefs that are causing our pain.

What is your first response when someone blames you for something? Do you judge yourself or judge the other person, or both? What happens when you judge yourself or the other person? The chances are that the interaction is not a healthy one.

What would happen if, when someone blames you for something, you opened to compassion for your feelings of being blamed?

Let's take an example of how different an interaction would be with self-compassion rather than self-judgment. In the following interaction, John attacks Mary for being over-drawn in their checking account. In the first example, Mary goes into self-judgment. In the second example, Mary goes into self-compassion.

John: Mary, we are overdrawn in our account again because you forgot to enter some of the checks. What is the matter with you? Are you stupid?

Mary: (thinks to herself, "I'm stupid. I can never do anything right." Then she defends herself and attacks John). I just forgot. What's the big deal? I've been too busy taking care of your stuff. If you would do more around the house, I wouldn't forget things like that.

John and Mary end up in a fight.

John: Mary, we are overdrawn in our account again because you forgot to enter some of the checks. What is the matter with you? Are you stupid?

Mary: (Mary tunes into how badly it feels to be attacked by John. She has compassion for her own feelings of sadness and loneliness at being attacked by someone whose love is important to her). John, this feels awful inside. My stomach hurts when you attack me like this. I'm willing to talk with you about the checkbook, but not when you are attacking me. Please let me know when you are ready to talk with me about this without blaming me.

Because Mary moved into compassion for her own feelings, she was able to respond to John in a way that was loving to herself and to him.

Moving out of self-judgment and into self-compassion takes much Inner Bonding practice. Most of us have been practicing self-judgment for so long that it has become our automatic way of being. It takes much consciousness to move into self-compassion - much practice with Step 1 of Inner Bonding -,but with practice you can move out of your automatic judgmental thought and into a conscious compassionate thought.

This one change in your thinking will create huge positive changes in your life! One way of helping yourself to make this change is to join the Inner Bonding membership community and receive compassionate support from others.

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Comments

Author Comment Date

compassion2007
Fishers Indiana
I know I am judging myself, but cant seem to get out of this hole.
My friend attracts all kinds of men- young, married, emotionally unavailable but all nice, and shes not looking to date them but shes at least going out.
I on the other hand, dont seem to attract any men and Im wondering why that is. I want to date and have a relationship, Ive been working very hard on healing and visualizing my future mate. I find myself comparing myself to her thinking Im inadequate in the men dept. I want to gain perspective on this. Any thoughts?
10/17/2007 09:45 AM

EmilyAgnew
Rochester New York United States
Hi Compassion,
It sounds like your wounded self is trying to control the situation around your meeting men, using comparisons, and implied or direct criticism of yourself. Does this feel accurate? If it does, can you talk to this part of you and ask her what she is hoping to gain by criticizing you and comparing you to your friend, then check with your guidance on the truth of any beliefs you uncover?

It is of paramount importance that you maintain clarity on the motivation for your healing work. If you are doing it so you can attract a man, then you are in the intent to control, and it won't work--you can't heal that way. It is important to focus, instead, on evolving into being more loving --starting with yourself. When you are really loving to yourself, your energy will be very attractive. You won't require other's love to feel good, because you'l be bringing it in from your spiritual guidance. But love will flow to and from you freely.

I'd enjoy hearing your reaction to what I've written if you'd care to share it.

Warmly

Emily
10/18/2007 05:54 AM

compassion2007
Fishers Indiana
Hi Emily,
Thanks for your reply. Here is an example of what happens. Ill feel connected with my guidance and then my friend will tell me about men she talks to, has dinner with, or meeting new ones (usually unavailable, but not always). During those times, I ask myself if her relationships are the same that I would want and the answer is not necessarily. I want deep connection with women AND men. But she seems to have an easy time integrating with all kinds of men, whereas I dont seem to have any exposure right now. That is where my judging self comes in..
I really have been on a good journey towards healing; thats why it feels like Im backsliding in my process. I dont know why these insecure feelings are coming up. Yes, I want to meet men and new people for that matter, but seem to be exposed to my friends new friends and I dont feel a particular connection with them, but start feeling bad because Im not free flowing in love with them. My friend also likes to coordinate these people (her group) to get together (including me). Again, I dont feel the connection with these folks, but should I?


10/18/2007 10:11 AM

Phyllis
St. Louis Missouri
Dear Compassion 2007

I will jump in here. I am wondering what you are expecting of yourself here. Is it possible that you are trying to "get" a feeling of connection from these people and then judging yourself when you don't? If that is what is happening, then it could be that you are trying to hand your little girl to them instead of giving her the feeling of connection yourself. It has been my experience that when I am connected to my little girl, I can enjoy people for who they are and that opens things up for a flow of energy between me and them. At the same time, it may well be true that these are not people who are capable of deep connection and that will always be a little lonely around them. You don't have control over that.

I jumped a little bit at the expectation of "free flowing love." Your little girl is completely entitled to live in a "vat" of free flowing love, so to speak. That is what well all are learning to bring to ourselves and others, but I wonder exactly what you meant or expected of yourself in this situation.

Hugs

Phyllis
10/18/2007 10:33 AM

compassion2007
Fishers Indiana
Phyllis, No, I'm definitely not trying to "get" a connection, it's just not there and I"m judging myself for that and THEN I think wow, you've done all this healing and not feeling free flowing love around people and I"m questioning what's up with that? WHY am I not feeling the love? Yes, that is what I want for her- to be in a "vat" of love. I sort of feel that Im protecting her from feeling forced into group interactions with people that are not my friends, or am I withdrawing as a form of resistance? AS far as men go, I was open to be with my own process, when I meet one, I'll meet others as I go along in my journey, but then I got stuck with this comparison thing. Why does my friend meet all these men all the time, and I'm not meeting any? (that's the question that is going thru my head) Thanks. 10/18/2007 10:54 AM

Phyllis
St. Louis Missouri
Hello again

I would ask your little girl if she felt connected to you in that situation. Then I might ask her if she felt like you were expecting her to perform somehow. If she said yes, then you could check in with the part of you that wanted her to perform and find the good reasons. This is somehow tapping into a part of you that does not feel good enough, as you know, but that usually means that there is some false belief about a standard you are supposed to meet.

It also sounds like you are actually meeting new men thru your friend. Do I have that right? And it sounds like maybe your friend is more willing to give her little girl away and "seems" to be more successful at finding men who will take her little girl than you are. That may be a competition that your wounded self wants to win, but I am guessing your loving self does not.

Beyond that, if you seriously are wanting and ready for a relationship with a man, what actions are you taking in that direction?

Hugs

Phyllis
10/18/2007 01:41 PM

compassion2007
Fishers Indiana
Maybe there is some competition going on between my wounded self and loving self. I am protective of my little girl with anyone, not just men. I have been out with people I've met over the internet, so I am taking action but no friendships or dating prospects have developed. Maybe we both just attract different individuals into our lives. She is very attentive and giving towards men and seems almost more interested in their lives then she is in her own. I have grown too much to do that anymore. Maybe I am confusing discernment with unloving behavior? Thoughts? 10/18/2007 02:52 PM

Phyllis
St. Louis Missouri
Dear Compassion

Only you can explore the question of who is in charge here, but I would suggest that you go to one of those times when you were with a group of her friends and felt no connection and just explore what was going on for you. Again, how was your little girl feeling? If she was feeling anything but safe and loved at that moment, then there is something to explore. Was it just loneliness because there was no one to share love with? Or were you telling her something that was making her feel bad? Or maybe it would be better to find a time when you saw your friend with the latest new man. Again, what was your little girl feeling? What were you telling yourself about what was going on? How does your little girl feel about your being "protective" of her? Does she feel safe and loved or controlled by you? Lots and lots of things you can explore, but only you know what is really going on.

Hugs

Phyllis
10/18/2007 06:01 PM

EmilyAgnew
Rochester New York United States
Dear Compassion,
I'm responding to the last post you addressed to me, to keep things simpler. It seems to me I am hearing two distinct parts of you as you write--it might be interesting for you to read over your posts and see if you sense the same thing. There is one part that sounds quite clear that the men your friend is attracting are not people you have enjoyed hanging out with, for whatever reason, and that it wouldn't work for you in any case to be attracting unavailable men, because you want an intimate relationship. In fact I wonder if, to this part of you, hanging out with this particular friend is loving for you. Maybe it isn't. In any case this voice sounds to me like a tentative, but developing, loving adult--not quite trusting yourself yet.

Then there is another part, which goes in your head and doubts and gets confused. That part is trying to control things by figuring them out.

To keep developing that tentative loving adult, dialogue with your child and your guidance will be necessary, and Phyllis has given you several different possibilities to start with. It is very important to take loving action. What is your history with this?--do you have a history of hanging out with people you feel uncomfortable around, because the alternative seemed worse?

Warmly

Emily
10/19/2007 08:13 AM

compassion2007
Fishers Indiana
Thanks again Emily. There are definitely two parts, my growing part of me that is transitioning and wants to meet new people and old part of me who is unsure of herself and her capabilities. Both my friend and I have said we want to enlarge our network of friends. She seems to be doing that, but I haven't gotten that far yet. Who she is networking with are not people that I find connection with, yet I feel like I "should" go out to be social.. Maybe there is a part of my wounded self that feels need to go out with those people so I'm not alone. If I had my own network of new freinds, I'm certain I wouldn't feel this comparison with my friend. Also when my friend and I are 1:1 I'm ok with that, but when there are more people in the group, she attends to others (plays favorites so to speak) rand I'm kind of left hanging. I know that doesn't feel good, my child has told me that. 10/19/2007 09:55 AM

compassion2007
Fishers Indiana
Thanks again Emily. There are definitely two parts, my growing part of me that is transitioning and wants to meet new people and old part of me who is unsure of herself and her capabilities. Both my friend and I have said we want to enlarge our network of friends. She seems to be doing that, but I haven't gotten that far yet. Who she is networking with are not people that I find connection with, yet I feel like I "should" go out to be social.. Maybe there is a part of my wounded self that feels need to go out with those people so I'm not alone. If I had my own network of new freinds, I'm certain I wouldn't feel this comparison with my friend. Also when my friend and I are 1:1 I'm ok with that, but when there are more people in the group, she attends to others (plays favorites so to speak) rand I'm kind of left hanging. I know that doesn't feel good, my child has told me that. 10/19/2007 09:55 AM

Phyllis
St. Louis Missouri
Dear Compassion 2007

I keep asking you the same question and I will again. How does your little girl feel about how you are treating her in these situations? I know you are really aware of the situations, per se, but they are probably not causing how you are feeling. The fact that it does not feel good that your friend pays more attention to others when there are more people in the group is a major clue that you are focused more on the outside than the inside causes of your feelings. You can't feel abandoned by her unless you are abandoning yourself, and if you are abandoning yourself in these big group situations, your little girl will not enjoy them at all.

I know I am sort of pushing you, but I just keep "getting" that your focus in on how your feelings are caused by the situation and you are wanting to change the situation.

Hugs

Phyllis
10/19/2007 11:00 AM

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