Control, Helplessness, and LoveBy Dr. Margaret Paul
November 14, 2007
We create conflict and unhealthy communication through anger, blame, shame because we won't accept our helplessness over other's feelings and emotions in our relationships.
One of the hardest feelings to feel is helplessness. Most of us are unwilling to even know what we are and are not helpless over. All of our controlling behavior toward others comes from our unwillingness to accept our helplessness over other's intent to learn or to control. We do not want to know that we are helpless over whether another chooses to be loving to us or judgmental toward u
Sometimes - because we often manage to have control over getting approval or avoiding disapproval - we may confuse approval with love and think we can have control over getting lo
If we truly accepted our helplessness over others, would we continue to get angry at others? Would we continue to blame, to judge, shame, criticize? Would we continue to comply, or to be nice instead of honest? If we truly accepted our helplessness over whether others loved us and accepted us, would we work so hard to prove our worth to others?
Moving beyond our controlling behavior, as well as our core shame, happens easily and naturally once we fully accept our helplessness over other's intent. Our core shame is our deepest, oldest addiction, our oldest protection against our feelings of helplessness. Our shame gives us the illusion of power over others - if we are not being loved because we are not good enough, we can continue to strive to be good enough and then we will have control over getting the love we want.
Paradoxically, accepting our helplessness over others leads us to our personal power.
Once we fully accept that we cannot have control over others loving us and taking care of us, we may then finally turn to our spiritual guidance for help in loving and taking care of ourselves. This major step moves us out of being victims of others' choices and into control over our own lives, which is what we do have control over. We do have control over our own intent to love or protect, to try to control others or to surrender to higher will. You will feel incredibly empowered once you fully accept your helplessness over others. Try it! For one week, try throughout the day reminding yourself that you are helpless over others. You will be astounded at the results!
Heal your relationships with Dr. Margaret’s 30-Day online video relationship course: Wildly, Deeply, Joyously in Love.
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Is the fear of failure stopping you from being all you can be? Is the fear that you can't do it stopping you from being a loving adult and taking 100% responsibility for yourself? Today, make it okay to fail and see what happens to your resistance.
By Dr. Margaret Paul