In my work with my clients and with people on the member site, I often hear things like, "It's not fair. They should not be able to get away with this." When I hear this, I know they are stuck in their wounded self, trying to control something over which they have no control – rather than accept the reality of their helplessness over others and then take loving care of themselves.

For example, Aubrey, married to Sam, gets angry when Sam is in his wounded self – pulling on her, sulking, being selfish and so on. But the more she gets angry, the more Sam acts out from his wounded self. They are stuck in a dysfunctional relationship system.

"Aubrey, why do you keep getting angry? What not take loving care of yourself when Sam is like that?"

"But then he will think he can get away with acting like a child."

"So you think if you punish him, he will change?"

"Yes."

"Is this working? Is he changing?"

"No! He keeps acting like this and it's making me crazy."

"What if your anger is actually fueling his sulking and pulling on you? What if he is reacting to you, just like you are reacting to him?"

"Then what should I do?"

"The first thing you need to do is let go of believing that you have to get him to see that he can't get away with this. The truth is he can get away with it and there is nothing you can do other than leave the marriage, which I know you don't want to do. What if you fully accepted this?"

"I don't want to accept it. It's not right for him to act that way!"

"And it's right for you to go into your wounded self and dump your anger on him?"

"Oh. I guess that's not right either."

"Aubrey, what do you feel inside when he is pulling and sulking?"

"I feel dismayed. Really sad and lonely with him."

"What if you attended to these feelings with compassion rather than try to punish and control him?

How would your inner child feel if you cared deeply about your feelings?"

"I think I would feel much better."

Much to her surprise, as Aubrey backed off from punishing Sam and trying to get him to see that he was behaving badly, Sam's behavior gradually shifted toward being more present and caring with Aubrey.

Lisa, another client, actually lost her job due to trying to prove one of her bosses wrong.

"It's not right for him to get away with putting too much pressure on everyone."

"Lisa, he is the boss and you are the employee. You can accept this or you can leave, but what you can't do is have control over him."

"Well, at least I have to try to get him to see that he is wrong."

The Wounded Self Would Rather Try to Control Than Accept Our Helplessness Over Others

Lisa was devastated when she was fired. Looking back, she can see that it was far more important to her to try to control her boss than to accept her helplessness and take loving care of herself.

Devon suffers from road rage and writes: "I find myself on the road yelling at other drivers because they aren't going as fast as I want to go or they aren't getting out of my way fast enough for my liking. I try to be loving but when I do, part of me (I suppose my wounded self) feels like I am letting them walk all over me. How dare I forgive them for their crappy driving! They are in my way! I have been wronged. What is the error in my thinking here? Should I be ok with people getting in my way on the road?"

Devon’s anger is covering over deeper issues of helplessness. It is likely that people wronging him goes back to events in childhood when he felt helpless. To feel peace inside, he needs to accept that which he cannot change. As much as he yells, he has no control over other drivers, so all he actually does is create agitation within. The fact that he takes it personally: "I have been wronged" is the narcissistic aspect of his wounded self. His loving adult needs to help him to not take it personally, as it has nothing to do with him. His wounded self wants to believe that he can make them change their bad driving, but this is obviously a false belief.

The Scriptures state that vengeance belongs to God. Personally, I'm happy to leave it to God, which opens the way for me to just focus on taking loving care of myself – the only thing I actually have control over.

Join Dr. Margaret Paul for her 30-Day at-home Course: "Love Yourself: An Inner Bonding Experience to Heal Anxiety, Depression, Shame, Addictions and Relationships."

Image by Miriam Verheyden from Pixabay