Take a moment to think back to what you learned from your parents. Did you learn more from what they said or from how they acted? When I think back, I can remember some very negative things my parents said to me that impacted me, but very few positive things. But I can remember many more of their actions than their words. I clearly remember how they acted when something upset them, and earlier in my life, before Inner Bonding, I acted just like they did when they were upset – getting angry, withdrawing, giving myself up.

When I had kids, I continued to act in the ways I had seen my parents act – not knowing of any other ways to manage my painful feelings. It wasn't until spirit brought us Inner Bonding that I began to find other ways of dealing with my feelings. I wish I had known how to be a truly loving role model earlier in my children's lives.

Become The Role Model Your Children Need

In a phone session with Lauren, she told me about a painful situation with her 16-year-old daughter, Heather. Heather had yelled at Lauren to leave her alone, and Lauren had yelled back at Heather, letting her know that it was not okay for her to be disrespectful.

What was Lauren role-modeling for Heather? Obviously, she was role- modeling the very behavior that she was judging in her daughter. While letting Heather know with anger that it was not okay to disrespect her with anger, Lauren was disrespecting Heather with her anger. She lost an opportunity to role- model a healthier way of managing her feelings.

"I had been feeling pretty good until Heather yelled at me. Then I lost it."

"So, you allowed Heather to derail you – to get you off center. What were you feeling underneath your anger when Heather yelled at you?"

"I felt hurt that she would treat me that way."

"So rather than go inside and tend to your hurt, you went outside to try to control Heather. And then what happened?"

"I ended up feeling worse because then she left the house without even telling me where she was going. So then I called her on her cell and let her know that leaving without telling me was also not okay. But she hung up on me. I ended up feeling awful and helpless."

Let's Look At Another Way Of Managing This Same Situation

How do you think you would have felt if, instead of getting angry at Heather, you had gone inside with compassion for your own pain? What if Heather had seen you put your hand on your heart and comfort yourself, letting your inner child know that Heather's behavior was not about you? Would Heather have learned more from you yelling at her, or from you staying centered within yourself and taking loving care of your feelings?"

"But doesn't she need to know that it's not okay to yell at me and then leave the house?"

"Yes, but not at that moment. She was not open at that moment and neither were you. The time to let her know this is later, when both of you are calm and open. Then you can approach her with an intention to learn about what was going on for her and how her behavior impacted you. She would have learned much from you – first by seeing you take responsibility for your own feelings, and then by witnessing your intention to learn with her. Would you be willing to practice this and see what happens?"

"Yes!"

This is the power of role-modeling loving behavior – one of the best things you can do for your children.

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