How Are You and Your Partner Doing Together?By Dr. Margaret Paul
March 23, 2015
How is your relationship with your partner? What are the positive and negative aspects of your relationship?
What are the positive and negative aspects of your relationship?
When you and your partner are both operating as loving adults, you will experience many positive results. When one or both of you are operating from your wounded self, you will experience many negative results. Since no one is able to be a loving adult all the time, it is likely that you experience a combination of positives and negatives.
Positive: Sometimes or Always:
- We love each other.
- I feel loved by my partner.
- I feel valued and cherished by my partner.
- We feel emotionally connected with each other.
- We feel spiritually connected with each other.
- We love to spend time together.
- We are soul mates.
- We have fun together. We make each other laugh.
- We play well together.
- We are very turned on to each other.
- We have passionate sex.
- We are very affectionate with each other.
- We love to cuddle.
- We sleep well together.
- We share many of the same interests.
- We stimulate each other intellectually.
- We can talk to each other about anything.
- We tell each other everything.
- We really trust each other.
- We feel safe with each other.
- We are very supportive of each other.
- We are able to learn together through our conflicts.
- We are able to resolve our conflicts without losing ourselves.
- We respect each other.
- We can fight fairly and without fearing the loss of the relationship.
- We can rely on each other.
- We stimulate each other's creativity.
- We empower each other.
- We enjoy friends together.
- We travel well together.
- We are interdependent rather than dependent or independent.
- We are each good at taking care of ourselves and making ourselves happy.
- We are together because we want to be, not because we need to be.
- We both enjoy doing caring things for the other.
- We are able to give and receive love with each other.
- We are each healing emotionally and growing spiritually as a result of our relationship.
- We are kind and gentle with each other.
- We have each other's back.
- I am relaxed around my partner.
- We are completely honest with each other. We tell each other the total truth without blaming or judging.
- My partner is my best friend.
- My partner knows me better than anyone.
- We can go through hard and messy times without it harming our love.
- We are both committed to the process of learning about ourselves and healing our wounds.
- We are both committed to the process of learning about loving.
- We enjoy each other's company.
- We are not bored by each other. We find each other interesting.
- We enjoy doing things together, even routine things like going to the market.
- We both trust that we each have our own and the other's highest good at heart.
- We each give the other the space they need.
- We enjoy silence with each other. We enjoy being together even when we are not talking.
Negative: Sometimes or Always:
- I feel unloved by my partner.
- I feel unloving toward my partner.
- I feel insecure about my partner's love for me.
- My partner feels insecure about my love.
- We don't communicate well.
- We don't have fun together.
- We fight a lot.
- We fight about the same issues over and over.
- We can't seem to talk about anything without arguing.
- We are often in power struggles with each other, trying to get the other to do what we want, each of us trying to win.
- I feel controlled by my partner.
- My partner feels controlled by me.
- I feel afraid of my partner.
- My partner is afraid of me.
- I don't trust my partner.
- My partner doesn't trust me.
- I feel freer when my partner is not around.
- My partner feels freer when I am not around.
- I like myself better when I am not around my partner.
- My partner likes him/herself better when s/he is not around me.
- I don't feel turned on to or by my partner.
- My partner is not turned on to or by me.
- Our sex is boring.
- We have sex infrequently.
- We have no sex.
- My partner and I are more like siblings than lovers.
- Our relationship is boring and routine, with little excitement or intensity.
- I feel trapped in my relationship.
- My partner feels trapped in the relationship.
- I am having an affair.
- My partner is having an affair.
- I think my partner is having an affair.
- We are not friends. We don't seem to like each other.
- I don't feel emotionally supported by my partner.
- I have trouble emotionally supporting my partner.
- I feel like I am the parent and my partner is a child.
- I feel like my partner is the parent and I am the child.
- We are competitive with each other.
- We are emotionally distant.
- I am lonely around my partner.
- My partner is lonely with me.
- I would rather be alone than spend time with my partner.
- My partner would rather be alone then spend time with me.
- I would rather be with friends than be with my partner.
- My partner would rather be with friends than be with me.
- I don't feel affectionate toward my partner.
- My partner is unaffectionate with me.
- I feel resistant and resentful toward my partner.
- My partner is resistant and resentful toward me.
- I can't want anything from my partner without encountering resistance.
- I feel angry at my partner a lot.
- My partner is angry at me a lot.
- One or both of us nags a lot.
- I am mean, critical and shaming with my partner.
- My partner is mean, critical and shaming with me.
- I lie to my partner.
- I withhold information from my partner.
- My partner lies to me.
- My partner withholds information from me.
- I feel tense and on guard around my partner.
- My partner feels tense and on guard around me.
- I feel guilty with and obligated toward my partner. I often feel like I owe my partner something.
- I often feel that I give more than my partner and that my partner owes me.
- My partner feels guilty with and obligated toward me.
- I feel manipulated by my partner.
- I don't feel valued and respected by my partner.
- I don't value and respect my partner.
- If I don't give in to my partner, I get punished.
- I am not open to learning with my partner.
- My partner is not open to learning with me.
It is important to remember that creating a loving relationship is a process, not an event. The more you heal your fears of rejection and engulfment, the less triggered you will be by your partner's self-protective behavior. When you are each able to stay open in the face of the other's protective behavior, you will find yourselves experiencing more and more of the positive results of being a loving adult in your relationship.
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Today, think about what you do that makes you feel invisible to others. Do you give in to others rather than stand in your truth? Do you avoid asking for what you want to avoid rejection? Do you act like everything is okay when it isn't? Do you agree with others to avoid conflict? Do you ignore your own feelings but attend to others' feelings? If you sometimes feel invisible, notice what you may be doing to create this.
By Dr. Margaret Paul