The Need for TouchBy Dr. Margaret Paul
February 28, 2011
Learn how important it is to be touched with love rather than with neediness.
But not all touch meets that need.
There are two kinds of touch:
- The kind of touch that has the energy of love
- The kind of touch that has the energy of neediness
The Needy Touch
When I was growing up, I didn't like being touched by my mother. Her touch was not loving and comforting. Instead, it was a pull from her to fill her emptiness. When she touched me, it felt like she was sucking the life out of me, and in a sense she was. Not having her own loving energy due to her inability to connect with her Self and with her spiritual Source of love, she was always pulling on others for the love she needed. Her touch was smothering rather than nurturing.
My father's touch was more nurturing when I was little, but when I reached adolescence, his touch always had a sexual energy. Rather than nurturing, it was needy - and scary. There is nothing nurturing about sexual energy from a father.
Many of my clients, especially women, end up sexualizing their need for touch, thinking that having sex will meet their need to be held and touched. Or, they end up giving themselves up and going along with sex in the hope that the holding and touching will meet their need. But it never does. Sex, and the need to be lovingly held and touched, are two different experiences, and one does not replace the other.
It is unfortunate that it so hard to find the unconditionally loving touch that we all need.
The Loving Touch
The loving touch is the touch that comes from a place within that is full of love - a place that doesn't need anything back. It is a touch that is a conduit for the unconditional energy of love that is God.
This is the touch we need. It is a healing touch, a touch that says, "You matter. You have value. You are a beautiful child of God, and I am blessed to be able to be a conduit of love to you."
This is what loving parents who are connected with themselves and their Source give to their children. Their children are truly blessed to receive this love, for it is a part of the foundation of their sense of worth.
It's Never Too Late
Many of us never received this love through touch, but it is never too late. However, before you can benefit from this touch, and bring into your life people who touch with love rather than with neediness, you need to learn three things:
- You need to be aware that you need this kind of touch
- You need to learn the difference between loving touch and needy touch
- You need to learn how to love yourself enough to begin to take responsibility for your own feelings, so that you are not a bottomless pit of neediness
This is where the Inner Bonding® process comes in, which teaches you how love yourself and take responsibility for your feelings. As you learn this, you will begin to draw people into your life who can share love with you, rather than just trying to get love.
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It's a challenge to take responsibility for our own feelings when we are alone, and even more of a challenge when we are with others. Today, notice the various ways you make others responsible for your feelings - not speaking up, saying yes when you mean no, blaming, feeling hurt, waiting, people-pleasing, getting angry, withdrawing, numbing out, punishing, and so on. Just notice without judgment.
By Dr. Margaret Paul