Why Am I So Stuck?By Penny Boyle
August 10, 2011
This article offers one of the major reasons why so many of us get stuck when inner bonding. Read on to discover what this common pitfall is and how to break free.
When first introduced to inner bonding, I couldn’t get enough! I learned everything that I could. It was exciting to find a healing process that seemed so promising. But soon after I began practicing the six steps, I quickly became discouraged. I couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t making any progress.
As I continued to practice inner bonding, I began to notice a grab inside when asked: “Do you want complete responsibility for causing your feelings?” I would say yes, but was still holding on to the injustice I believed was causing my pain. What I couldn’t see, or understand at the time, was the fact that I was still stuck in victim pain. In addition, I was trying to be nice enough, angry enough, caring enough, or just plain "enough" to have control over those who were hurting me. In reality, I was avoiding my helplessness and heartbreak over these people, as well as refusing responsibility for my own well being.
By staying in this state of mind, I never got past Step 1 of the inner bonding process. I would proceed through all six steps and get absolutely nowhere. In fact, I wasn’t inner bonding at all. I was trying to inner bond from a very wounded place, spinning in my tracks and going absolutely nowhere.
So, how do you get from point A to point B? How do you go from being a victim, who does not want the responsibility of taking care of her inner child, to being a strong adult who really wants the job? It felt like I needed to take a prerequisite course before going through all six steps of the inner bonding process. In elementary terms, it felt like: You can’t learn to read until you have mastered learning your letters!
Determined to heal, I finally discovered what had been eluding me for so long. The issue suddenly popped to the surface. Years back, I was working with a gifted facilitator, who immediately detected my resistance to wanting responsibility. I remember her telling me, “You don’t want to pick up your little girl.” Her comment really struck me at the time, because it resonated so strongly as the truth. (Thank you Nancy Swisher!) I was unaware of how deeply I loathed my inner child, until that moment in time. But the truth was, I couldn’t go there. I couldn’t get past the feelings of guilt, shame and unworthiness, that were plaguing me. I just told myself that I wanted responsibility and avoided the truth. I wasn't ready to face it.
It was going to take some time for the wounded part of me to accept my little girl. I needed to give myself permission, without judgment, to stay in the place of not wanting to accept responsibility. I needed to make this okay, and explore why this was so. Otherwise, all my efforts to inner bond would remain fruitless.
Last fall, while faced with a very difficult trial, I decided to rest in this newly discovered place of non judgement and acceptance. I stayed there for quite a long time. I wasn't going to fix anything. It was time to rest. As I did this, a faint voice began coaxing me. She said that it was safe to open to what I feared, and no matter what we discovered about my little girl, we would love her anyway, defects and all. We would let go of needing acceptance from others and shift the focus to my little girl. I began by simply sitting with her. We sat in a big comfy chair, next to a cozy fire, surrounded with lots of books. I held her in the comfort of a warm quilt while soothing her. I let her cry and it felt really good.
With patience, I began exploring the part of me that was in resistance. I wanted to hear the reasons why my little girl was such an outcast. I was curious to know why she would always be depressed and remain alone. Eventually, I recognized this newly emerging personality, the one who was on a mission to connect with my child, to be the voice of my loving adult. With the birth of my loving adult, my feelings of aloneness began to diminish as I grew ever closer to my little girl.
Accepting my little girl, unconditionally, was the key to opening my tightly closed heart. Being rooted in Step 1, requires the presence of a loving adult, who deeply desires taking full responsibility for her inner child. Although getting to this place may take time for some, it sets the stage for success, when opening and uncovering the false beliefs that are explored later, in Steps 2 and 3. Do you have your feet firmly planted in Step 1? Are you inner bonding from your wounded self or loving adult? Check in with your inner child and see! It makes a world of difference and may be the very thing that is keeping you stuck!
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Today, notice if your intent is to get love or approval from others or to give love to yourself and others. Trying to get love or approval will always end up causing suffering. Giving love to yourself and others brings joy.
By Dr. Margaret Paul