"I Lose Myself Around Others"By Dr. Margaret Paul
July 01, 2013
Have you wondered why you are often able to take loving care of yourself when you are alone but you lose yourself in relationships? Discover the answer now!
Do you find that you take loving care of yourself when you are alone, but that you lose yourself with someone you are attracted to, or around someone you want to connect with? This is a common issue.
"I am perfectly able to care, love and connect to myself when I am alone. It's in the face of attraction to someone that I get lost and spiral into self-criticism and self-neglect patterns that feel impossible to get out of. Why does this happen?"
Lynne asks a very similar question:
"I find that I am able to love and care for myself when I am alone. However, it's in the face of trying to connect with others that I lose myself. Do you have any concrete tips/tricks on how to remain with the self and not self-abandon when getting to know others?"
Val and Lynne, this is all about intent. When you are alone, it is likely that your intent is to take loving care of yourself. But when you are with others, whom you are attracted to or want to get to know, you unconsciously shift your intent to controlling the other person.
Giving yourself up is a form of control. Self-criticism, self-neglect, self-abandonment are all forms of control. You may be operating from a couple of false beliefs:
My core Self is not good enough, not lovable enough. Therefore, if I am myself, no one will like me. I have to give myself up to be liked. If I am my authentic self, I will end up alone.
- I can control how others feel about me. If I look right and act right, then I can control whether or not someone is attracted to me.
These are two major false beliefs that many people believe to be true.
The 'concrete tips/tricks' that Lynne asked for are:
- Do an in-depth exploration of these beliefs: Why do you believe this? Where did you get these beliefs? How is it serving you to believe this?
Learn to connect with a spiritual source of truth so that you can begin to heal these beliefs.
Through your spiritual connection, begin to see and lovingly define your essence – your true self. When you truly see the beauty of your essence, you will know that you do not have to give yourself up to be loved.
- Come into truth about what you can and cannot control. What if you 100% accepted that you cannot control others' feelings about you – no matter how much you give yourself up?
In order to heal and no longer give yourself up in relationships, you need to be prepared to fully accept your lack of control over others' feelings about you. While you can influence others' feelings, you cannot control them, and all the things you do to try to control them – such as giving yourself up – eventually backfire. Others can feel the energy and the pull of inauthenticity, and will often do the opposite of what you want – which is to resist your control. No one likes to be controlled, and often, when someone feels that the other person is giving themselves up, they feel controlled by it and will resist.
Would you really want to end up in a relationship where you can't be yourself? Do you really want to have to work that hard, and end up losing yourself, to try to attract another person?
You will stop doing this when you get to know and value your essence, and you can do this only through seeing yourself through the eyes of your spiritual Guidance. Your programmed mind decided a long time ago that you are not good enough, and as long as you believe this lie, you will continue to lose yourself to try to control.
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Perfectionism is a form of control. "If I am perfect, then I can have control over how others feel about me and treat me." Life becomes much easier and more fun when we let go of having to be perfect and allow ourselves to be human.
By Dr. Margaret Paul