Are You on Your Mobile Phone? Click here for 2800+ mobile optimized, self help and self growth articles.

Loving Yourself Rather Than Giving Yourself Up

By Dr. Margaret Paul
January 09, 2018



Loving yourself does NOT mean sacrificing yourself! Giving yourself up is NOT the way to create a loving relationship.



A woman in a field of flowers hugging herself and smiling. Marina asked:

“I often go out of my way and do different things for my fiancé. For example if he wants me to stay and do something with him, I cancel what I have to do and stay with him. But he never does the same. He takes care of whatever he feels he needs to. Then I’m filled with resentment towards him. Can you explain what is a loving way to be in relationships? Do we just do what’s best for us or do we have to sacrifice at some point to make the other person happy?”

Marina is operating under the false belief that sacrificing herself is a way to get love. But giving herself up is a major form of control as well as of self-abandonment, and will always eventually lead to resentment rather than to a loving relationship.

By giving herself up, she is training her fiancé in how to treat her. Sacrificing ourselves says to the other person, “My needs don’t count. My feelings don’t count. You don’t need to consider me because I’m not considering myself. You don’t need to respect me because I’m not respecting myself.”

Marina is also operating under the false belief that it is her job to make the other person happy, rather than her job to make herself happy and his job to make himself happy, so they can come together to share their love and happiness. In a loving relationship, we don’t give ourselves up and take responsibility for the other person’s feelings, and then expect the other person to do the same. By not doing these things, we prevent unnecessary resentment from creeping into our relationship.

 

If Marina Were Loving Herself…

If Marina were loving herself when her fiancé wanted her to stay and do something with him, she would first tune in to what she wants. If she wants to cancel her plans and spend the time with her fiancé, then she would not be giving herself up if she did so, and she would not feel resentful.

If she tunes in and discovers that she doesn’t want to cancel whatever she has to do, then she would kindly say to him something like, “Thanks! I’d love to spend the time with you but I have things I need to do. Love you. See you later.” By honoring herself and what she wants to do, she is letting him know that what she wants and needs matters.

If he routinely doesn’t support her in what’s important to her, then she would need to re-evaluate the relationship. In a loving relationship, we support our own highest good and the highest good of our partner – which means that we support each other in doing what brings us joy and in what is important to us. It means we can tolerate disappointment without taking it personally.

Marina asked, “Do we just do what’s best for us or do we have to sacrifice at some point to make the other person happy?” It sounds to me like she is saying that if we do what is best for us, we are being selfish, so she might want to redefine ‘selfish.’ Doing what is best for us is self-responsible. Selfishness is expecting the other person to give themselves up for us, and not caring about the effect our behavior has on the other person.

Marina, I hope you start doing what’s best for you, while also caring about the effect your behavior has on your fiancé. If he is sad that you don’t stay and do something with him, you can be compassionate about his feelings without feeling guilty and taking responsibility for them - which is not loving to either of you.

Join Dr. Margaret Paul for her 30-Day at-home Course: "Love Yourself: An Inner Bonding Experience to Heal Anxiety, Depression, Shame, Addictions and Relationships."

Join IBVillage to connect with others and receive compassionate help and support for learning to love yourself.



Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs
CC BY-NC-ND


Send this article to a friend    Print this article    Bookmarked 3 time(s)
Bookmark and Share    Share with Del.icio.us    submit 'Loving Yourself Rather Than Giving Yourself Up ' to digg Share with Digg    Share with StumbleUpon
There are no videos, Click to add one to the gallery!
There is no audio, Click to add audio to the gallery!
There are no pictures, Click to add one to the gallery!

Comments


More Help

Looking for help with Loving Yourself Rather Than Giving Yourself Up ?

Search for solutions on Loving Yourself Rather Than Giving Yourself Up within the InnerBonding.com website using Google's Site Search.




 
 



Daily Inspiration

Today, notice what you do when pain comes up - especially the pain of loneliness and heartache when someone is being unloving with you. Do you get irritated, angry or judgmental? Do you resist or withdraw? Do you people-please and give yourself up? Do you numb out with food or other substances, or with activities such as TV? Notice the ways you might be avoiding your feelings rather than compassionately attending to them.

By






Explore More Inner Bonding

 

DAILY INSPIRATION

Today, notice what you do when pain comes up - especially the pain of loneliness and heartache when someone is being unloving with you. Do you get irritated, angry or judgmental? Do you resist or withdraw? Do you people-please and give yourself up? Do you numb out with food or other substances, or with activities such as TV? Notice the ways you might be avoiding your feelings rather than compassionately attending to them.

By

INNER BONDING EVENTS

Inner Bonding Events

10/03/2020 07:30 AM
Virtual Inner Bonding Weekend Workshop
Dr. Margaret Paul

10/07/2020 07:30 AM
5-Day Virtual Intensive
Dr. Margaret Paul

05/14/2021 07:30 PM
Southeast Inner Bonding Weekend Workshop
Dr. Margaret Paul

All Inner Bonding Events