Single? What Are Your False Beliefs About Relationships?By Dr. Margaret Paul
November 11, 2013
If you are single, do you relate to any of these false beliefs about being in a relationship?
I have discovered that many of the single people I work with have a number of false beliefs about relationships. If you are single, do you identify with any of these beliefs?
People In Relationships Are Not Lonely
In my work with individuals and couples, I've found that people who are in relationships - including people who are married – are just as likely to be lonely as single people. Just because you have a partner doesn’t guarantee that you will not be lonely. In fact, some people who are in relationships are even more lonely than many single people. It can feel lonelier to be around someone who is unavailable for connection than to be alone. Being with an angry, withdrawn or needy person can feel extremely lonely.
Certainly, partners in relationship, who are available for connection, are less lonely than single people. It's wonderful to be in a relationship with someone who is open and available to emotionally connect, when you are also open and available to connect. But way too often, this is not the case.
Being In A Relationship Will Make Me Feel Happy, Safe And Secure
Again, being in a relationship with someone who is loving and caring can lead to you feeling more safe and secure, as well as happy. But what if you are with a partner who is angry, distant, disconnected, and/or verbally or physically abusive? When this is the case, you may end up feeling less secure and more unhappy.
My suggestion is to learn to create inner happiness by practicing Inner Bonding – developing your loving adult self who is connected with a spiritual source of wisdom and comfort. This is what creates an inner sense of happiness, safety and security, and can lead to finding a loving and caring partner. Instead of waiting for someone to do this for you, why not learn to do it for yourself?
Being In A Relationship Will Give Me A Sense Of Self-Worth
If you are looking for a partner to make you feel worthy, you will likely end up with someone who is looking for the same thing. Relationships are healthy when each person already feels inherently valuable – not when they expect the other person to give them their sense of inner worth.
Believing that you can give another person their sense of worth is a huge false belief, just as believing that another can do this for you. If you are judging yourself as unworthy and unlovable, you will continue to feel that way, no matter how loving another is to you. You may find that you have a very hard time taking in another's love if you believe you don't deserve it.
Being in a Relationship Will Fill me and Complete Me
If you are abandoning yourself by judging yourself, staying in your head rather than being present in your body for your feelings, turning to various addictions to numb your feelings, and/or making someone else responsible for your feelings, you will feel empty and incomplete inside. We feel full inside when we learn to love ourselves and share our love with others. It's not the getting of love from another than fills and completes, but rather learning to connect with your Source of love – filling yourself with love to share with another or others.
We feel full inside when we give to others from a loving heart, not when we give in order to get love. If you want to be in a relationship to get love rather than to share your love, you will likely end up either alone or in an unloving relationship.
Learning how to love yourself is the key to finding a loving relationship. Why not start today to learn and practice Inner Bonding?
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The paradox of our wounded self is that it wants to feel safe so it tries in so many ways to control that which it cannot control, which leads to feeling anxious and unsafe. Surrendering to what is and opening to spiritual guidance creates the peace that will never come from trying to control.
By Dr. Margaret Paul