What Makes You Feel Most Connected With Others?By Dr. Margaret Paul
September 23, 2019
What makes you feel connected with or disconnected from the important people in your life?
Connection with the people who are important to us is a vital need for everyone. Our brains are hard-wired to share love and connection with others. Many of us know that infants and children need a loving connection with their parents to thrive, and that many emotional problems result when this connection is not available.
Through practicing Inner Bonding, we learn how important it is to connect with ourselves and with our spiritual guidance. We learn that it is difficult to connect with another on an emotional level when we are not connected with our own feelings, and it is difficult to be open and vulnerable when we are not connected with the strength and love of our guidance.
Each of us experience connection differently, and for a relationship to thrive, we need to understand what connection means to each of us.
What Feels Like Connection for You?
(You might want to print this out and mark the ones that are important to you.)
I feel connected with my partner (or, deleting physical and sexual elements, with a friend, parent, or adult child) when he or she:
__Shows me in many ways that he or she cares about my feelings.
__Is open to learning with me when we have conflict.
__Shares his or her thoughts and feelings with me.
__Listens and gives me his or her full attention when we talk.
__Is physically affectionate with me without a sexual expectation.
__Desires to make love with me.
__Initiates sex with me.
__Is responsive to my sexual advances.
__Makes plans for us to have fun together.
__Lets me know that time with me is very important to him or her.
__Is interested in hearing about my day.
__Notices when I get my hair cut or get something new.
__Tries to understand what is going on with me when I'm upset, rather than get angry, problem solve, judge me or withdraw.
__Is there for me with kindness and compassion when I'm hurting, even if what I'm hurting about concerns something he or she did.
__Keeps his or her word.
__Never threatens the relationship, even when we are having a hard time with each other.
__Laughs and plays with me.
__Does fun things together with me - dinner, movies, social events, vacations.
__Stands up for me when others are mean to me.
__Supports me when I need support.
__Supports me in doing what brings me joy, even if it is not what he or she wants to do.
__Buys me gifts that are meaningful to me.
__Cares about how his or her spending affects me.
__Supports me in doing work I love, even if I don't make a lot of money.
__Enjoys cuddling with me.
__Lets me know in many ways how much he or she appreciates me.
__Converses with me in two-way conversations, not monologues..
__Never deliberately says things that he or she knows are hurtful to me.
__Takes responsibility for his or her feelings, rather than blame me.
__Takes responsibility for his or her health and wellbeing.
__Is interested in what interests me.
__Enjoys small-talk with me.
What Creates Disconnection for You?
__Anger, blame, ridicule, sarcasm, threats - any kind of attack and verbal abuse.
__Withdrawal, resistance, indifference, shutting down, shutting me out.
__Being silent, closed, refusing to talk about the issues between us.
__Physical violence or the threat of physical violence.
__Being a victim, sulking, pulling, poor-me tears.
__Harping, nagging, explaining, defending.
__Being parental, judgmental, critical, having to be right.
__Shutting me out with various addictions - alcohol, drugs, pot, TV, computer, cell phone, video games, porn, and so on.
__Spending money when we can't afford it.
__Being so frugal that we can't enjoy life.
__Not taking care of himself or herself by eating badly, lack of exercise, being overweight.
__Talking on and on about himself or herself.
__Lack of interest in me, my interests, my feelings, what is important to me.
__Expecting me to give myself up for him or her.
__Not being concerned with how his or her behavior affects me.
__Giving others a lot of attention but ignoring me.
Once you finish with these lists, you might want to share them with your partner, friend, parent, or adult child, with an intent to learn about how you can feel more connected with each other.
Heal your relationship with Dr. Margaret’s 30-Day online relationship course: Wildly, Deeply, Joyously in Love.
Join IBVillage to connect with others and receive compassionate help and support for learning to love yourself.
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Notice throughout this day what gives you energy and what drains your energy. Which people are givers and which are takers? Which experiences energize and which are depleting? What thoughts fill you and what thoughts create emptiness? Become conscious of what gives to you and what takes from you.
By Dr. Margaret Paul