Many of us go through at least one, if not more, of what is often called the dark night of the soul. It may help you to understand why you might be going through this.

A major challenge on the spiritual path is to let go of mind/wounded self dominion, and to allow our higher self/spiritual guidance to guide our thoughts, choices, and behavior. This is a process, not an event, and it takes a lot of practice. My experience is that when we come up against a really entrenched aspect of the wounded self, we may go into the dark night of the soul.

In the dark night, you are in a struggle between your wounded self and your higher self.

In this state, which may last days, weeks or months, you feel profoundly alone and without hope. You feel totally cut off from yourself, others and your spiritual guidance, because your wounded self has eclipsed all connection. While this is very hard to go through, it is helpful to understand that it may be necessary in order for the wounded self to let go of another layer of lies and protection.

A strange thing may be happening during the dark night. While you might have believed it was your loving adult seeking spiritual connection, it might be that it was your wounded self seeking spiritual connection as a way to have more power and control over others and circumstances. Our wounded self often becomes motivated to seek spiritual connection as another way to control. But as long as the seeking is ego-driven/fear-driven, you are on a collision course, since true spiritual connection is about surrender—the opposite of control.

So, the dark night can be seen as your wounded self rising up and blocking you from connection with self, others, and spirit, becoming a formidable obstacle to connection and joy.

Moving Out of the Dark Night

I have had numerous dark nights in my life. It's a scary, life-sucking place to be. I've also learned that it is a time of transformation - of transcending my wounded self on an ever deeper level. I've learned to hang in with it when it happens, rather than trying to get out of it or get rid of it. Instead, I do Inner Bonding and open to whatever I need to learn. I've learned to embrace the dark night as an important learning time for my spiritual development.

I've discovered that, since the wounded self is all about control, the dark night is often triggered by coming face-to-face with a new level of helplessness. Helplessness over others, outcomes, and events is perhaps the most difficult of the core painful feelings. Helplessness over a loved one dying or getting killed, especially a partner or child, is EXTREMELY challenging. We want to shut down, get angry, blame someone or something, tell ourselves, "If only I had…." - anything to not feel the complete helplessness over the situation.

On a less extreme level, when a person important to us is harming themselves, or is cruel, attacking and raging at us, we might suddenly be hit with the realization of our helplessness over them. This might be a shock, as our wounded self might have believed that we were succeeding in getting them to change. It's very hard to come face-to-face with our helplessness over others and outcomes.

This Understanding is the Way Out of the Dark Night

For me, once I get that this is what's happening—that my wounded self is having to let go of yet another level in her beliefs about control—I can more quickly move through the dark night. While my wounded self hates having to accept her helplessness, her lack of control over others - once I accept it and surrender, I move into a new level of connection, peace, and joy.

Join Dr. Margaret Paul for her 30-Day at-home Course: "Love Yourself: An Inner Bonding Experience to Heal Anxiety, Depression, Shame, Addictions and Relationships."

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