Adele wrote this question to me on one of my webinars:

"If I don't want sex with my partner, is that a form of control from me? Therefore, should I have sex even though it brings up painful feelings? Should I just feel the feelings? They only come up at that time."

In this situation, it is important to identify the intent in not wanting sex, or in going ahead and having sex. It doesn't sound like Adele is trying to control her partner by not having sex, but it does sound like she is trying to control her own feelings. If Adele's intent were to learn, she would be willing to allow the feelings to come up, and then be willing to stop and explore the feelings at the time. Since they only come up during sex, this might involve communication with her partner, letting her partner know that she is having painful feelings and needs to stop and explore them.

If Adele has sex with her partner and just feels the painful feelings without learning, then she is giving herself up to her partner, which is a form of control. If she is too afraid of her partner's reaction that she does not stop to explore and learn from her painful feelings, then she is trying to control how her partner feels about her. This is controlling through compliance.

There is much to learn here.

If the painful feelings are physical, then she needs to see a doctor and get checked out.

If the painful feelings are caused by vaginismus (a spasm of the vaginal muscles making penetration very painful or impossible), she may need therapeutic help. Perhaps there is sexual abuse in her background that she needs to heal. Perhaps there are current problems in the relationship that need attending to. If her partner is coming from neediness regarding sex, she might feel responsible for her partner, and feel that she needs to give herself up to please her partner. If her partner is not empathetic toward her pain, then her partner likely has some narcissism and Adele needs to come to terms with this. Most important, she needs to move into compassion for her own painful feelings and learn from them. Avoiding them – either by not having sex or by giving herself up and having sex without dealing with the feelings - is self-abandonment.

The very fact that Adele is asking this question indicates self-abandonment.

If she wanted responsibility for her feelings, she would never just have sex and endure the pain. Nor would she deprive herself and her partner of a loving sexual relationship by avoiding the problem. It sounds like she is judging herself for not wanting sex and for possibly trying to control, rather than opening to learning about the problem.

If it turns out that there are problems in the relationship that are leading to the painful feelings, then Adele would need to have the courage to address the problems with her partner. Her question indicates that she and her partner do not have an open arena in which to explore this issue – or perhaps any issue. If that is the case, this itself might be the problem. Adele likely needs to feel safe in the sexual situation; a lack of an open arena in which to explore, learn and grow with each other creates an unsafe environment.

Obviously, the answer to the question is not an easy one.

In order to move forward with this issue, Adele needs to open to learning from her feelings rather than continue to avoid them. It is likely that her intent to avoid responsibility for her feelings led to the question in the first place. Sometimes intent can be subtle!

Is it okay to say no to sex? I don't look at it as okay or not okay. I look at it in terms of intent – either to avoid pain with some form of controlling or avoidant behavior; or to learn about what is loving to oneself and take loving action in one's own behalf.

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Image by mohamed Hassan from Pixabay