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Authentic Love vs. Love to Control

By Dr. Margaret Paul
November 18, 2024



The wounded self is quite sneaky when it comes to love!



authentic love"It makes no difference how deeply seated may be the trouble, how hopeless the outlook, how muddled the tangle, how great the mistake. A sufficient realization of love will dissolve it all... If you could only love enough, you could be the happiest and most powerful person in the world..."
--Emmet Fox

This quote by Emmet Fox is hanging on the wall in my office, and it always moves me. However, there is a twist here that is vitally important: If you love in order to be powerful, then what you are doing isn't loving. 

Here is where the trickiness of the wounded self comes into play…

The wounded self is about a particular kind of power - the power to control others and outcomes. When the wounded self sees "If you could only love enough, you could be the most powerful person in the world," it wants to act loving in order to be powerful. But once love gets attached to an outcome, then it is no longer love – it’s control.

The huge challenge in life is to love for the sake of love and not get attached to outcomes. The wounded self says that:

  • If I love enough then I will get love.
  • If I love enough then I will find the relationship of my dreams.
  • If I love enough then I will be powerful enough to get rich.
  • If I love enough then I will feel full and happy inside.

Here is the trickiness of this: These statements are generally true, but if you try to love enough in order to get these outcomes, then whatever you are doing that you think is love isn't love.

Our behavior is loving only when we are loving for the sake of loving, not for any expected outcome. If we are behaving in what we think is a loving way, but we have an outcome attached, then even though our behavior may look loving, it isn't, because that which is love has no agenda. It is unconditional - meaning there are no expectations attached to it and no conditions under which it goes away.

We are truly loving when we are living in this present moment, allowing the love that is God to be expressed through us without any agenda other than for the sake of our soul's journey on the planet - which is to evolve in our ability to love and express our gifts on the planet. 

In the light of this, there are a couple of other quotes from Emmet Fox that are relevant:

"You must not allow yourself to dwell for a single moment on any kind of negative thought."

"You must not under any pretense allow your mind to dwell on any thought that is not positive, constructive, optimistic, kind."

Is it kind to yourself to allow your wounded self to dwell for a single moment on thoughts that scare you, that make you feel anxious, depressed, angry, jealous, shamed, or guilty?

You will not be able to be an instrument of God's love on the planet and fulfill your soul's journey until you start loving yourself. If you practice staying in Step One of Inner Bonding, being present in your body, willing to feel your feelings and take responsibility for them, then the moment you feel anything other than peace inside, you can immediately notice your unloving thought and change it to a true, kind thought - not in an attempt to manifest anything, but only for the sake of evolving in love.

Sometimes, having an arsenal of positive thoughts at your disposal is helpful - thoughts such as "I let go and let God," "God, bless me with your Grace," “Love is who I am,” or “I am within love, and love is within me.” When I say these over and over, they work well for me. I encourage you to find those thoughts and prayers that move you instantly out of your wounded self and into love.

When you detach "love" from outcomes, then the outcome is joy!

Learn to connect with your spiritual guidance with Unlocking Your Inner Wisdom, A 30-Day at-home Experience with Dr. Margaret Paul.



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What are you grateful for today? Notice the everyday things - food, water, air, sun, clouds. Notice the flowers, the trees, the birds, the animals. Notice your ability to be kind, to help others. Today, express your gratitude for the everyday things in your life, and for your life itself - this miraculous journey of the soul.

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