Transforming Resistance: Getting Unstuck with Inner Bonding

Are you feeling stuck in your Inner Bonding process? Each of the first five steps have their own challenges regarding getting stuck.

Stuck at Step One, the willingness to be mindful of and take responsibility for your feelings.

• Sometimes you may be out of touch with your feelings or cannot feel them. When this is the case, focusing on developing your loving adult will give your inner child the safety to feel your feelings.
   
• Sometimes you are stuck at Step One because of one or more false beliefs about pain and about taking responsibility for it. When this is the case, it might be helpful to review false beliefs about feeling pain.
   
• A other way you might be stuck at Step One is that, while you may be feeling your feelings, you have not decided that you are willing to stay with the feelings long enough to learn the lessons they are here to teach you. If you are in pain and you just want to make the pain go away, you will go into addictive behavior instead of opening to learning what you may be doing or thinking that is causing your pain. When you are feeling your pain but are unwilling to take responsibility for your feelings, you can be stuck feeling like a victim.
   
• You may be stuck at Step One because, while you are willing to feel many of your feelings and learn from them, you are unwilling to feel the very difficult feelings of helplessness over others, and the loneliness that might be the result. When this is the case, you will go into trying to control in whatever ways you have learned, rather than open to learning.
   
• You may be stuck at Step One because being in control is more important to you than learning, and you might not be aware of this. Becoming aware of your intention will get you unstuck. 
   
• You may be stuck because you feel too overwhelmed by your feelings. When this is the case, it’s helpful to learn EFT – The Emotional Freedom Technique – to help you de-escalate your feelings.

Stuck at Step Two, moving into the intent to learn and opening to your guidance.

• You might be having difficulty opening your heart to your guidance. Surrender is a very challenging choice because the wounded self is devoted to controlling everything. If this is where you are stuck, you might want to examine your beliefs about your spiritual guidance.
   
• Sometimes you think you are open to learning, but what you really want is for someone else to learn. In our wounded state, we can be very tricky in fooling ourselves regarding our intent. Over and over I experience clients saying they are open to learning when what they really want is to be seen, heard, listened to, acknowledged, attended to, understood, approved of and loved by another, rather than doing this for themselves.

The energy of love that is spirit comes into your heart instantly the moment your deepest desire is to learn about loving yourself and others. If that love is not in your heart, it is because you are not open. Spirit is like the air - it is always present, just waiting for you to open your heart and let it in. You don't have to connect to spirit; spirit will connect with you when your intent is to learn about loving your inner child, and you are eating cleanly enough to keep your frequency high enough for spirit to come into your heart.

• You may be stuck at Step Two because your reason for opening to learning is to change yourself so that you can get what you want - a partner, acceptance, a new job - rather than to be a loving human being. When your reason for learning is anything other than wanting to be a loving human being with no agenda attached, you will get stuck. You will not really be open, and you will not be able to connect with your guidance.

Again, the wounded self can be very tricky - acting open, looking open, yet using the intent to learn in order to get love, rather than to become love. Even the practice of Inner Bonding can be used as a manipulation to attempt to get love and avoid pain, when that is the intent! Unless your deepest desire is only to learn to be a loving person with yourself and others, you are not in a true intent to learn.

• You may be stuck at Step Two because you need to be held and nurtured by someone who knows how to connect with spirit and bring through unconditional love to you. Sometimes, until you have the experience of unconditional love, you may be too afraid to open, fearing that there will be nothing there to nurture and sustain you.
   
• You may be stuck at Step Two because you are afraid to open to learning about your feelings for fear of being overwhelmed by them. When this is the case, learning EFT will be very helpful.

Stuck at Step Three, dialoguing with your inner child and wounded self.

The most common complaint we hear is "My inner child won't talk to me. I don't hear anything inside." Your inner child will not talk to you unless he or she trusts that you will be there on a consistent basis and trusts that you really want to know about and take responsibility for whatever he or she is feeling. 

Once your Child trusts that you are listening and will follow through with loving action, he or she will communicate with you. For now, accept the silence with love. Keep imagining that you are embracing this silent child until he or she feels safe enough to let you in.

• Sometimes your Child has been talking to you and suddenly stops. When this is the case, there is usually one of two reasons:

1) Some very difficult memories are coming up and your inner child wants you to seek professional help before telling you about abuse. The inner child is wise and will often not tell you about abuse memories until he or she knows you have created a safe situation in which to deal with them.

2) You have failed to follow through with loving action, so your inner child feels there is no point in telling you anything. If you follow through on taking action regarding what your inner child is needing from you, your inner child will speak with you again.

• Sometimes your inner child communicates with you only through feelings - through physical sensations in your body - rather than through words. You may be listening for words while ignoring the true voice of your inner child. When you notice your feelings, ask yourself, "What are these feelings trying to say to me?"

Stuck at Step Four, dialoguing with your guidance. 

• For many people, this is a very challenging step. Most of us have been taught to ignore our own inner guidance. We may have learned to distrust the images, feelings, and words that come from our guidance.

It takes time and practice to hear and trust your guidance. Be assured that your guidance is communicating with you. Pay attention to the very soft voice within, as well as to subtle images and feelings. As you start noticing, listening, and following its direction, you will learn to trust it.

People often ask, "How do I know it is the voice of my guidance? How do I know it is not my own self just making this up? How do I know it is not some evil spirit talking to me?" The voice of guidance always comes from love, while the voice of your wounded self comes from fear. When the voice you hear causes anxiety and fear, it is not the voice of guidance. The voice of guidance does not cause fear, nor does it speak in a panicked voice. The voice of guidance speaks in a neutral and loving voice, offering the guidance you need to take loving care of yourself.

However, because the wounded self can be very tricky, it is important to accept that reliable discerning of the voice of guidance takes practice. This means you must be willing to take action and make some mistakes along the way. As you continue through to Step Six, you will begin to differentiate the calm voice of your guidance as opposed to the fearful voice of your wounded self.

• "What if I really want to know the loving action and I don't hear anything?" Keep asking! Sometimes it takes days, weeks, or even months to receive the answer to complicated situations. If you keep asking and stay open to receiving the answer, you will eventually receive it. If you do not receive any answers, then it’s likely because you are not really in the intent to learn. Be honest with yourself about what your intent really is.

Stuck at Step Five, taking the loving action. 

• Many people get stuck here because sometimes taking the loving action is very challenging. Yet, if you do not take loving action, your inner child may stop trusting you and talking to you. If you know what action you need to take and you are not taking it, you need to go back to Steps Three and Four, exploring the fears and false beliefs that are in the way of taking the loving action, and opening to guidance to bring through the truth about these fears and beliefs.
   
• Sometimes people get stuck because they have performance anxiety regarding taking action. If you have attached your worth to your performance, your intense anxiety about failure may lead to procrastination or even paralysis. Basing your worth on your performance may lead to anxiety, procrastination, and even paralysis regarding any action at all. When this is the case, you need to work on defining your intrinsic worth. You need to work with your spiritual guidance on seeing and defining your essence, your true soul self.
   
• Sometimes people get stuck at this step because they are caught in resistance, and the resulting procrastination. When this is the case, you need to move into The Six Steps and explore each of the beliefs behind your resistance. Welcome the resistance as an important part of you that has good reasons for not wanting to proceed. It is helpful to see your resistance, not as a problem, but as a person. You are actually not struggling with something called resistance; you are dealing with a part of yourself that does not want to do something - for good reasons! The good reasons are your false beliefs that need exploring.

Getting unstuck really means exploring the false beliefs you are telling yourself that are keeping you stuck. When we operate from truth rather than the lies we tell ourselves, we find ourselves flowing through the steps to the loving action toward ourselves and others. 

Join Dr. Margaret Paul for her 30-Day at-home Course: "Love Yourself: An Inner Bonding Experience to Heal Anxiety, Depression, Shame, Addictions and Relationships."