"Adolescence can be a time of turmoil and turbulence, of stress and storm. Rebellion against authority and against convention is to be expected and tolerated for the sake of learning and growth."- Haim G. Ginott, psychologist and parent educator.

Child development theory states that there are two major periods in the growing up years when children move into great resistance to authority - the ‘terrible twos’ and adolescence. These are times when most children become extremely resistant to any effort to control them. While most children always resist being controlled, they hate it even more during these two periods in their lives.

When parents are controlling during the terrible twos, saying "No" way more than is necessary for health and safety, some children seem to comply. However, their resistance may have gone underground, only to resurface in adolescence. I have often heard parents that I work with state about their adolescent child, "He (or she) was such a good child. I just don't understand what happened."

Instead of seeing the rebellion of adolescents as a bad thing, it might be helpful to see it as a time of growth and learning, as Haim Ginott states above. 

Adolescents are trying to find their own way. How can parents help this process?

The very best thing that you can do for your children is to practice Inner Bonding and become role models of personal responsibility for your own feelings, thoughts, and actions. While it certainly makes things easier if you start when your children are younger, it is not at all too late to start when they are adolescents. The fact is that you will always be a role model for your children, so the more you practice Inner Bonding and learn to be responsible for yourself, the better chance you have of your children learning to do this as well.

Adolescents don't want to be controlled by others, but unless they learned good judgment before reaching adolescence, it is unlikely that they will be using good judgment during this time. If they have not become their own person before adolescence, they will likely be vulnerable to peer pressure and struggle, with resistance to authority. 

This is the time when they most need you to be loving rather than controlling.

Being loving does not mean backing off and being indulgent of their irresponsible behavior. Nor does it mean yelling and punishing to attempt to control them. Neither control nor indifference create a safe space for them in which to find their own way.

As parents, it is vital to stay open to learning with your guidance and with them. They need to be able to come to you and know that you will not be reactive - that you will maintain your own loving adult in the face of their troubles. They need to feel that it is more important to you to support their highest good than it is to impose your will upon them. The way you can do this is by doing your own Inner Bonding work so that you can stay present as a loving adult. 

Learning to connect with and trust your own guidance, as well as reaching out and receiving help and support from others, is vital to being a loving parent to adolescents. The more you learn to stay focused on what is loving to you, the more you will also be loving to your teenager. Remember, what is loving to you is loving to others, even if they don't know it at the time.

Being the parent of an adolescent CAN be a truly enriching experience when you accept the challenge of letting go of control and learning to actively love yourself and them!

Join Dr. Margaret Paul for her 30-Day at-home Course: "Love Yourself: An Inner Bonding Experience to Heal Anxiety, Depression, Shame, Addictions and Relationships."