When my ex-husband and I met 58 years ago, neither of us were on a spiritual path.

About eight years into the marriage, after our third child was born, I started searching. I knew something was missing from my life – some kind of inner peace and connection that I was yearning for – and I started my spiritual search. This caused problems in my marriage.

My husband was threatened by my searching, and judged me harshly for what I was beginning to believe and experience. He would say things that implied I was weird and crazy for even entertaining the thought that there was something beyond my limited mind.

I tried hard to have control over his accepting me and my new path, and he tried hard to have control over my beliefs. This, of course, created many power struggles.

Acceptance and Openness to Learning Create Connection

Was it the fact of his not being on the same path as me, or was it his judging my path that created the problems, and ultimately ended our 30-year marriage? I can say definitively that, for me, it was his judgment. Two people do NOT need to have the same beliefs and be on the same path to have a loving, healthy relationship, but they do need to be accepting of each other's beliefs.  

This is the question that is being asked by Lola:

"What do you say if you have a partner that just can't connect with you spiritually? Like he is very worldly and likes to engage in worldly talk, whereas you only feel deeply fulfilled sharing deep spiritual aspects of growth and life."

Lola’s challenge is to fully accept that her partner is on a different path of life than she is. This doesn't mean they cannot connect with each other. Hopefully, over time, she can learn to enjoy his worldly talk, and he might become open to some of her spiritual experiences. She may need to seek friends with whom to share her spiritual learning and growth, so that she can have that deep fulfillment. It is accepting and valuing their differences that will enable their relationship to grow.

It might not be an easy path. The key here is whether the two of them are open to learning with each other. She will feel connected with her partner when both of them are open to learning about each other's points of view and experiences. Both of them will evolve and grow when they are both open to learning. They might never come together regarding their beliefs, but this is not what is important. What's important is to continue to learn from each other and to respect the differences.

Sometimes people confuse being on a spiritual path and having spiritual discussions with what spirituality really is.

Spirituality is about love – about being loving with yourself and others. Your partner does not have to have a declared spiritual belief system, or be interested in discussing spirituality, to be a loving person. I know numerous loving people who never give a thought to spiritual concepts. They are just naturally good, kind people, and are open to learning. This is way more vital to creating a loving relationship than having a particular spiritual belief system. In fact, some people who think they are on a spiritual path are NOT open to learning!

Had my husband been open to learning with me, things would have been very different. I didn’t need him to share my beliefs, but I did need him to be accepting. It's being open to learning with each other that creates connection and intimacy - not necessarily sharing the particular path you are each on. It's being closed and judgmental that creates problems.

I suggest that Lola shift her focus from whether or not her partner is interested in spirituality, to whether or not she and he are both open to learning. THAT'S what's important.

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